Exhusband being shady?


  • Bluecat, I read your post and really felt compelled to write. You see, I could have written your post. My ex husband is very passive/aggressive in the same way, and I also have a son with him who is stuck in the middle. Like yours, my son is Special Needs. He is high-functioning autism, originally diagnosed as PDD, but has improved over the years to where he is now borderline Asperger's.

    First of all, I believe that your ex (like mine) may be a sociopath, based on what you've described, and I would urge you to google the signs and symptoms of a sociopath. I did that during my divorce, and was floored at how much of the description fit my ex. Like yours, mine runs hot/cold, makes threats to take our son, is emotionally unstable, presents himself one way in front of people another way to me, etc. My ex loves to push buttons, get people riled up, and then turns the whole situation around so that he comes off as innocent and blames others for the things he does. I have told people for years that if my ex were driving like a lunatic and hit a tree, he would blame the tree for daring to grow in the exact spot that he would be driving through 20 years later.

    I usually ignore my ex when I can, and try not to dwell on his threats or small impositions in my life. Like yours, mine has threatened time and again to take our son from me. Please understand that neither yours nor mine really WANTS our kids, what they really want is power and control. They want us to think that they can hold these threats over our heads in order to try to make us do what they want...to control our lives. But since you and I, the prime target victims, have managed to get away from them, then the next step for them is to try to gain control over the next potential victims...the kids. They need to have victims in order to feel like they are "somebody", or "big shots". They see us, and the kids, as "possessions" that "belong" to them, not as people. Oh, also like yours, mine has also had a string of failed relationships ever since our split.

    The thing is that they have no control over themselves or their own lives, so they have this sick deep rooted need to control others...they are losers, and in order to feel like bigshots, they have to feel like big bosses. A sociopath sees his victims as "prizes" that need to be taken down in order for them to feel good about themselves. Normal people try to improve their own lives...for example, I graduated from Stanford University with a Bachelor's degree, with a lot of hard work. My ex never got past more than a class or two in a Junior college, so in his twisted way of thinking, I was "better" than him, and that was a personal blow to his overinflated ego. So, instead of working to better himself educationally, a sociopath will set out to bring down the person that they see as better than themselves, in order for themselves to feel like they are better than their victim. I hope that made sense. It's an "overcome and conquer" mentality.

    In my case, my ex doesn't get involved in our son's schooling...it's beneath him. Mine, fortunately, has too big of an ego and is a male chauvanist who thinks it's "women's work" to raise a child...but he uses the threats of taking our son in order to try to control me into doing things his way. The funniest part is that mine is totally clueless about what's going on with my son's IEP and schooling, but thinks he can run the show from 40 miles away, lol! I go to IEPs and do what's best for my son, and my ex is totally out of the loop. I would advise you to do the same. Just do what you need to for your kids, and basically take your ex's threats with a grain of salt.

    I don't know what state you're in, or how old your kids are, but talk to an attorney about your kids' choices. If your kids are old enough, then the courts will listen to them about what they want...and if they don't want to be with their dad, then the court may be able to order that. A lot of attorneys will do initial consultations for free, or you can check with the court system for a county attorney that can represent you in court for free if you can't afford an attorney.

    I'm sorry for the long post, and I didn't really read through all the posts here, but after reading yours, I felt compelled to reply. I hope that I've been able to help you out a little. Please do google the signs and symptoms of a sociopath, because it may help you to understand your ex a bit better and give you some insight in how to deal with him. For yourself, my advice would be to become more aware of not falling into the trap of a "victim mentality"...this doesn't necessarily mean arguing with your ex, but learning how to disarm him. I've learned this over the years, and now my ex treats me a little better (that is, leaves me alone), but I always have to keep my guard up...after all, he is emotionally unstable.

    I wish you the best...keep being strong! Many hugs! 🙂


    Sandran712>>Oh Really!...Guys hate when they can't control you.It's no fun..I don't have anyone to fight with...LOL..My son's dad and I used to fight like cats and dogs.Before he died.We had a role reversal relationship.I acted like a guy in the relationship and he acted like a girl.It worked well.As I am the bossy one.The only thing that made the relationship interesting is he had paranoid schitzophrenia.I must have been a very strong person to put up with that drama.Do not try this illness at home..LOL

  • Sandran - worked with a woman whose brother had it and the stories were pretty incredible. We all think she suffered from a touch of it also....very hard to work with. I couldn't imagine living with it.

  • Darkness angel, I am so touched that you felt compelled too respond, and how open you are! My son is auspergers, he doesn't have the iep yet, but I'm familiar with iep because my daughter does have one for her adhd, and constant meltdowns. The information you chared is so valuable too me, as it sounds like we could have been married too the same guy! We married young, had our son young, and moved too the other side of the world, I was still trying too continue my education at that point, and he would go so far as too tear up my papers, tell me it was stupid when I use too study, or what a waste of time. I was always so caught off gaurd when he would do that, I always got a lot more accomplished when he wasn't home. I have too say congrats on that degree too you! As a single mom with a special needs child, you rock for not letting anyone get in the way of that for you and your son! I am going too look into the sociapath like you suggested, proving such might be another story. I have an attorney that is aware of the situation, like your ex, mine is always talking about things he knows nothing about when it comes too the kids, our problem is that he lives in a small area where his family is the law, from police too the court room, and I think they do know what he is really like, they have had too put up with it too, I think they would try too tell him too leave us alone if they only realized how bad it is, but have it in thier mind that we are just two people who will never see eye too eye, and that causes our problems. I've been telling them for years, because they don't like it when he goes out and hires lawyers because then they have too pay his bills for him when he fails yet agian.

  • AuntBuck, Sandran12, doesn't it suck too have too work/live with people that everyone is too afraid of too fire, or kick out? I'm sorry for your loss though Sandran12!

  • I am just so caught up in a moment of gratitude right now, for all the wonderful, insightful, intelligent souls I've met here! Thanks guys!

  • bluecat>>and constant meltdowns

    Sandran712>>My son has had his share of meltdowns.It would surely help if my son could talk to spite his Autism.He is not the high function kind.And his dad had the paranoid schitzophrenia I am paranoid that he may have the gene from his dad.I've had a liscensed psychologist tell me I have nothing to worry.But, you develop this about the age of 25.And my son is 24.Oh my nerves...LOL

  • Bluecat, my ex did the same things. I was fortunate enough that I didn't meet him until I was in my late 20's, after I graduated from Stanford, and after I had worked in my 20's through my education to become a firefighter and a paramedic. I have several certificates...I am certified through the state of California as a Firefighter, I am also certified as a Hazardous Materials Specialist, certified as a Muliti-Casualty Incident Specialist (when you have lots of victims, like in a bus accident or a plane crash), and am certified as an Oil and Gas Fire Specialist, along with my Paramedic certification. All this was accomplished between the ages of 24 through 28. My goal was to be an Air Paramedic working on a helicopter, and I wanted to do International Search and Rescue. I was really good at my work, too, and my paramedic friends would tell me that if they were ever in a wreck, that they hoped I'd be the medic to respond, because they knew that I'd keep them alive. That's a pretty high compliment. 🙂

    But after marrying him and having our son, then that's when his abuse came out. He would scream at me about how stupid I was, how my dreams and wants were stupid, my hobbies and interests were stupid, etc, and he did it in surprise attacks that I never saw coming, just like your ex did. He would explode at the drop of a hat, like he was looking for an excuse to blow up...I am convinced that he is a rage-aholic as well as a sociopath. My life changed drastically after marrying him, and our marriage was over after only three years, but it took me about another 6 or 7 years to actually get away from him. He had control over our money, ran off my friends, alienated me from my family, etc., and I ended up feeling like a trapped bird in a cage.

    After our son came along, I was unable to pursue my career anymore, because my ex would not help with our son...he basically spent our four dating years talking me into having a baby, begging me to have a family with him, and telling me what a great dad he would be.

    Then after our son came along, he denied ever wanting a family, and would tell me things like "Dads don't get involved until the kid turns age 5" or "our son came out of YOUR body, so that makes YOU the parent, not me!" I realized too late that I had been set up by him...and that's what sociopaths do...they pick a victim and then do whatever it takes to bring that victim down.

    It didn't help that our son ended up being special needs, either...I gave up everything for my son to help him overcome his challenges, and do not hold anything against him at all. He can't help how he was born. But my ex, I just feel sorry for him, because he burns bridges with everyone who cares about him once they figure him out, including our son, who wants nothing to do with him and only visits because there is a court order.

    My ex's family also knows what he's like, but they're all alike and support his irrational behavior. My ex has no control over his spending, and I have bank statements of his that show how he can blow $12,000 in one month (while unemployed), yet at the same time tell the judge in divorce court that he can't pay support (because he's unemployed).

    My life after him isn't the best...we only finalized the divorce two years ago, and I am rebuilding my life from the ground up with nothing at all...basically starting over. My son is still my primary focal point, due to his autism, but things are getting better for him. He has a chance to someday have a functioning adult life, but it may not be until he's 35, who knows? At least we're pretty much away from my ex, and that's the biggest bonus of all. Life might be hard now, but it's not as hard as it could be if I were still with my ex, so I count my blessings. 🙂

    Sandran, I really feel for you with your son, too. I know how hard I've worked to help my son, and he's high functioning. And over the years of helping out in my son's schools, I've seen autistic students all along the spectrum, including low-functioning. It's not an easy job, being the parent of an autistic child, but keep doing what you're doing to support your son...it will pay off in the long run. Like you, I truly believe that my son's autism is inherited from his dad. I have seen his dad have meltdowns, too, and a looong time ago, when he attended an IEP (probably his last one), I remember the principal of the school asking my ex afterwards if he also had autism. The principal said that they noticed that my ex exhibited alot of the same behaviors during the IEP that our son had exhibited. My ex exploded right then and there, had a meltdown in front of everyone, and started screaming at the top of his lungs at the poor principal that he was not autistic. Well, he may have been denying it, but his actions proved otherwise, lol!

    Blessings and hugs to both of you...hang in there, you're doing your best and you're doing the right things! 🙂

  • Sandran712 maybe you use the name NUTCRACKER!(LOL)

  • You know, as I read on, I realized if my ex wasn't such a pain in my ass, I might not have started this thread and connected too many good people who have gone through it, are surviving it too. I guess thats a silver lining. Dark Angel, AuntBuck, Sandran12, your all parents as well, and those of us raising atustic children, whether they be high or low on the spectrum, like Sandran12 said, Oh our nerves. It never fails too amaze me how when we send our message out there we get back so much more then we ever expected. I figure a lot of people have shady ex's, but too connect with those that also know what its like too raise an auspergers child, too deal with the challanges of kids in general,then being single parents ,the rest is enough too do us in, but we keep going. Then when we get a little lost, here we are, helping each other out. Thunder07, I know you may not have these issues yet, but your always welcome in any mommy group I'm in, your a good soul too! Sorry not too get all sappy, I usually don't even bring up auspergers, because people aren't usually familair, I don't feel like I live in that world alone anymore! Dark Angel sounds like your ex is still bothering you like mine does, if you haven't dated, or became seriously happy yet whether it be in love or work, life, then I hope and pray he doesn't try too get all in that too, the way mine does. Mabe if they knew how sad it makes them seem, but I don't know if they care. It sounds like your ex is jealous of your accomplishments as well, and projecting his own self images of limitations onto you, they just seem too feed off of it. I use too watch all my friends living their exciting lives in my twenties, while I was already raising little ones, secretly wondering too myself if I messed up, did it all backwards, thinking I might have wasted my hell rasing years, but now I'm realizing that part of my life, although it will probably be less hell raising, will start in my forties instead, no more worrying about the crazy exes at least by then hopefully, the little auspies, who knows, they are so smart, so much too offer the world, if only the world were ready for them. Mine has serious trouble with being honest, saying what he thinkd, in his mind your honest, or you lie, no gray area, this can make some people very unhappy!

  • bluecat>>I usually don't even bring up auspergers, because people aren't usually familair,

    Sandran712>>I am familiar with ausperger's.My son doesn't have that.That is high functioning.My son has Autistic tendencies.Meaning...Shows signs of Autism.And since he can't talk.We don't know his abilities.We think he can read.If you ask him a word without a picture he can point to it.The talking part /no talking part drives me crazy.It feels like you are talking just to hear yourself talk.You just have to step back pretend you can't talk then....figure a way to communicate without talking.Almost like playing charades.Only difference I can communicate with him without hearing him talk.Very difficult to do.Like a baby cries and knowing why they are crying.

  • I understand a bit Sandran12, my son is ausperger, yet my youngest, no autism at all, but was a very anxious child, anxiety runs in the family, well he had a rare form of anxiety called selective mutism, and it was unreal, he could talk, but was too afraid too, it was how his mind controlled his anxiety, he could talk too some people, kids, but not really teachers, adults. Well, it was rough, I tended too blame myself, like why are my kids like this? One Christmas day, after a couple years of this strange anxiety plauging him, he became very excited over a gift, and just like that our prayers were answered, it was a freakn miracle, the kid talked, talked, talked, and hasn't shutup since! Sometimes he has stutters a bit, I do this too), and has to start over like ten times, I always remind myself what a gift it is too hear him do that though, as there was that time I wasn't sure if I would hear him again. Miracle.

  • Bluecat...I started in my late 20's and I am very jealous of my best friend who has two out the door and one that's going to be 17 this year and she's only 41. Everyone one of us do it differently. Its all good. You needed to do it younger so you could keep up. LOL. My son has been diagnosed with ADHD and depression. The ADHD medications provoked mini-rages. We now have him off those meds and on depression meds and the difference is so significant I can even explain it. It seemed like when I started working at the place I am working, I found only single mothers with kids the same age as my son. All of them had ADHD. It was a blessing that I was meant to have. You posting your thread...attracted all of us that were supposed to be here to support you and you are doing a great job supporting us. I am so grateful that I posted my first thread too. It has brought many, many blessings to my life.

  • I do seem too be finding the right people, its amazing. It seems like we meet someone here, someone there that says, yep I know, my kids wired that way too". I can barly keep up, they might be aging me early, infact I know it everytime I look in the mirror, theres a new line, a gray hair, a few extra pounds, but I woudn't trade them for anything. With your son having depression, that comes with adhd, and the meds came exasporate it, my son had that going on too, its just awful too watch them, want too take it off their hands. Their can be so many different opinions in one family, amoung friends, professionals, some people call it kiddi coke, and are against kids on meds, some are all for it, I love seeing my kids be successful, I have too get use too the side effects though, but my parents learned that my youngest brother who's 7 (I'm the oldest of 4, is adhd as well, and very anxious, their switching him from private too public school next year for what they felt was a better understanding of kids with extra needs. She gave me a lot of info as far as diet, alternatives for stuff they will eat that won't mess with them so much, protein shakes is their big thing for nutrition too counteract some of the side effects of the meds. I found out today my ex had meeting with socialworker and told her he was going after custody, I can't figure out childrens services, they gave me what they called a safty plan paper I signed, like I can weild this thing out like weapon anytime my ex is lurking, but they said it doesn't over ride court ordered visiitation unless he was in agreement with complying with it. I'm like, why in the hell would want too comply? I thought that was what they were there for, too decide if he needs too be made too comply or not, then get this thing sorted out for my kids sake. Its just so vague. I was told I could file for a protective order, so I'm seriously considering that one, even though I have no idea what that entails. I was reading an article, tips on custody, a lot of what AuntBuck said about how too be flexible was there. Also that one shouldn't move too many times or move too many partners into their home too quickly, but he did all of that, my kids were having too get too know new people all the time, share the weekend visits with their dad with these people all the time, and would get corrected if thy happend too ask a kid question, like what happend too so so? I felt really weird but I contacted his ex through email, too see if she had anything too add too our compliants, if she had any of her own regarding her kid, since she was so nice, and he hadn't liked her kid. Hopefully she understands, as he always tried too keep everyone seperated, not too friendly.

  • Filing a protective order is paperwork intensive but not that hard of a process. You have advocates that can help you thru the process. I think that if he is being this controlling and harassing you, you need to do this. It will allow you to set some boundaries with him that he is ordered by the court to abide. We all know they are not fool-proof but they do give you a leg up and a legal stand if things get worse. Different places have different processes to initiate these proceedings. Check into it. Hope it goes well.

  • Thanks, I am seriously considering it, we had an appoint. last week, for my son and he decided too show up, but I let it go. He knows next too nothing about auspergers, or anything else our kids deal with, and he was just standing there asking the doctor dumb questions, atleast they were dumb too me bc I had already surpassed all of that with the kids. My ex was always skeptical , didn't want too accept any diagnoses, unless of course I agreed with him, then he would change his answers, and we could get on with life, him none the wiser. It was the greatest thing, the doctor said he an auspie too! and here my ex knows nothing about it, and we do, so I hopefully that will help us in the long run.

  • I heard back from his ex, I have never done anything like that before, boy did I feel nervy! Well, she is just what I thought she would be, an incredibly warm, kind, intellgient person! She was so open and honest, and what she told me, was exactly what I suspected. She said she felt he may mean well, but he treats everyone like a little solider, or inmate or something, infact he had lost his temper with her kid and she had too jump in too protect him. I know hers is a hand full, my kids had plenty of stories, but from what she said my ex was very mean too all the kids, and it was what led too their break up, I had thought so, but of course never knew for sure. She gave me her #, and said if we needed help with this just call, that she didn't think he would get custody, and if that wasn't enough, I found that she moved after their break up closer too where I live, and is a nurse, works at same hosp. that my boyfriend does! What a big sigh of relief, a witness! God is good! and I got the truimph card for today! Mabe things are looking better afterall!

  • I still have no idea what the investigation is going too result in, as they say they can't tell me anything, other then its a waiting game, and they will probably have some things they "ask my ex too do", I ask them should do I have too send them if he threatens me with contempt of court? even though theres an investigation going on, and the lawyer I talked too said I would have too file for protective custody and it would be set for hearing, and that would be in the county my ex lives in, not mine. I was told I would just have too use my best judgement when it came too violating custody visitation, then asked what I would do? I said I would keep them with me! I don't want too be in contempt of anything, but I I don't want too force my kid too go until I know that safety isn't an issue, I feel like they are saying if I let him go, then I didn't make the right decision, and then I could end up in trouble with a court! I can't bieleve this is what it means too protect a child.

  • What a mess BlueCat123, you know you have my total support and wish you your kids the very best wishes nowand always stay the course we are all here to support you!but you already know that don't you?

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