My Mother in law

  • Right now my mother in law is having issues with dementia. My husband has 6 other sibblings and all have different opinions. It is affecting my husband something awful. I am tring hard to understand . Will this cause rif between me and him? My mother in law lives far from us all. I did offer my home. Thanks Mare

  • I have found the best solution to help others who are experiencing an intense life situation, such as a parent's dementia, is just to listen. As simple as that. There's a reason why we have two ears and only one mouth. Also, based upon her level of dementia, it may be in her best interest to live in a home when skilled professional interact with her so she gets the help she needs. Has she had a professional assessment to diagnose her condition as dementia?

  • yes. We are looking into home attendent ,but the sibblings are in an uproar with different opinions. What a mess!

  • One thing that you might want to do, is have someone check to make certain that it's not a medication, or combination of meds, that she is taking causing the symptoms of dementia. The reason I mention this is because I knew a woman that was almost put into a nursing home, because her dementia was so severe, and it turned out to just be a side effect from medication that she was taking. Thankfully, her daughter was a nurse and thought to look into that possibility. The doctor's didn't catch it. In fact, they wouldn't even consider the possibility when they were asked about it. Your mother-in-law should have a complete evaluation, if she hasn't already. Another woman I know was having memory problems, they thought it was early Alzheimer's, and it turned out to be a brain aneurysm. Good Luck with everything.

  • Those were some very good points that Manifestdreams (nice name) brought up. Diagnosis is of upmost important in these cases. Come to think of it, my own dad was hospalized and given meds that were much too strong for him; he was showing signs of dementia - talking to people who weren't there, slipping in and out of reality - the doctors and nurses told me he might just be getting closer to departing (death). I clearly communicated to them the fact that since being admitted to the hospital he had been given 2 very strong drugs (for depression and sleep) and that it seemed to me like he was intensely hallucinating from the combo of drugs. Finally, they took him off what had been prescribed by the MDs and a day later he was lucid, but seemed 'hungover'. That was a year ago. After that episode he returned to assisted living and is doing fine. Manifestdreams is right on target. Thinking out of the box and clearly communicating using logic (rather than emotions) is important at times like these.

    When I mentioned listening in the last post, I was referring to your concerns about your marital relationship. Always remember that you two are a team and need to help eachother mentally. You both need to work together and be very kind and understanding of each other at intense times like this. Love and Blessings to you and your family.

  • I agree with the other posters about knowing for sure her diagnosis. Operating under the assumption that this is her diagnosis, then your question is about helping your husband through this time period and getting agreement from siblings on what needs to happen with Mom.

    This decision affects the family and will bring into play all those unresolved issues like sibling rivalry. Research alternative placements in the area and contact agencys. Talk to your husband about what you find out. Be gentle and don't try to push what You think is the best idea. Men don't deal with these aspects ( if he is dealing at all, lol! ) of life as well as woman --- Let him feel that he is problem solving -- make sense? After you have a sit down with him ask about sending out an e-mail to the siblings with a list of ideas. For instance, saying something like, we talked about this and looked into this, here's our thoughts. And list A, B, C. What do you think?Maybe a decision can be made in the majority. This may take some back & forth mail.

    If there is some awareness and verbal ability --- Has anyone asked her what she wants? Usually, one of the children has the doctor's name and number ( no surviving spouse, right?) and the doctor could ask her. Many older people want to stay in the familiar place ... this ends up being a mistake with dementia as the disease progresses. Given that no one lives near her this will end up causing everyone grief very quickly.

    Anyway, theres a lot to think about. Your concern is about this causing problems in your marriage --- recognize that it is about your husband and his family. This is an emotional issue for them and will send them all into a tizzy. You're getting a small taste of it thru your honey --Multiply that by the rest of the family, : ) Bethia8 gave you good advice. Try to stay impartial ... tough to do ... I think it would be a mistake to bring Mom home to your place for many reasons.

    Best thoughts and wishes for you!

  • Thanks everyone. I will do my best in keeping my husband sane during this time in his life. And yes my father in law has past away two years ago. Medication is an issue because she uis not taking it. So We are all looking into someone being with her for a couple of hours evey day. Some sibbling are not likeing it because she has a lot of money and it seems like some of them are worring if any will be left for them. How sad is that. But My husband , and some of his other siibling including me will make sure she has the care she needs and deserves. Love to all Mare

  • All great comments and suggestions on what to do, how to help your hubby with this. However, there is ALOT more to all of this as well--I know because my mother-in-law has lived with us since 2006 and she has dementia as well as other issues. We moved her to TX from NY, my partner is the oldest and the only daughter. Her two brothers still live in NY and at first helped very little. I suggested we move her here as she was NOT getting the care she needed in NY. I have no regrets about that, but if we had to do it over again, we would do ALL the research and ask all the questions and then make a decision. Alot of truth to 'hindsight is 20-20." Not sure what state you live in, your MIL's age, etc. but there are several state and federal programs to offer assistance in her home. I have to assume she is Medicare eligible, so I would start there and see what her benefits are. Then see if she has long term care insurance. If not, there are many agencies that welcome 'private pay.' But the bottom line is this: if you bring her to your house that is where she will be until she is called home. This is very stressful on a relationship, take it from someone who knows first hand. We have no time for ourselves, even though we have a nurse come in during the week while we are working; and we get some respite hours. LIfe is not the same. Would I do it again? Yes, but we would be more prepared and would have asked more questions and gotten more information. My MIL is not well off financially therefore any addtional expenses have falled to the two of us. Only recently has one of the brothers started helping out. So you need to consider that too. In addition, if your MIL is NOT able to make her own decisions, then the 6 siblings NEED to determine who is going to be the one who makes those decisions for her and then get a Medical Directive (what does she want done if she has a medical emergency, i.e. Do Not Resusitate (DNR), a Medical POA (Power of Attorney). and a General POA. Generally this falls to the oldest or the one living closest to her. I would also ensure they all have some sort of written (legal) agreement that any additional expenses that arise during her care will be shared EQUALLY. And as stated BEFORE, all 6 need to understand that this is about their MOTHER, not them or the $$$ she has. I lost my mother unexpectedly this year, she was 69- I would do anything to have her back, but that is not how it works. They need to love her and help her while they have her and take their selfishness out of it. Good luck and if you have any more questions, post them here and I'll try to help you. In the meantime, understand that your marriage will be tried, tested no matter what happens. I have many heated discussions about the actions or inactions of my partner's brothers, but at the end of the day, only she can talk ill of them, not me. I get that now, but it took me awhile. Blessings to you and your hubby in this decision and time in your life.

  • Thanks for sharing ur troubles with me. I really have respect for all thoses going through this. God bless us all and help us in our times of strress

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