I keep being told 2 give up on Chris.
I love him so giving up would hurt me a lot.
Also if I give up on him,his friends win cause they want me out of the way.
1 of them has hacked my home computer 4 times to try and stop me.
I just think if they were proper friends they'd let him make his own decision.
I'm not a person who lets ppl like that walk all over me.
Giving up sounds easy but isn't but I'm not a quitter and never have been.
I am not a psychic, just a woman (almost 40) with a magnitude of life's experience. I have been following your quest for answers and feel a lot of compassion for you in your situation. I know how it feels to love someone that much and to care like you do. I'd like to share my thoughts, if you don't mind, but realize they come from my experience, not any abilities, per se.
Having followed your story and having read your post above, I gather that you are being told to "give up" but since you are not a quitter, you feel that you aren't able to do this. Besides the fact that it would be so incredibly painful for you to "give up", you are also worried that his friends will "win". Therefore, I surmise that you will continue forward in pursuit of Chris.
I know you have been given all kinds of advice by so many different people, many with special gifts and perhaps some by ordinary folk, more like myself, so i apologize if any of what I say seems to be redundant. Here are my thoughts...
First, please consider the following question, Is this really about "winning" (and as a result "losing")... especially in terms of his friends? OR RATHER, Should it EVEN BE about who "wins"? When I hear you say, "Also if I give up on him,his friends win cause they want me out of the way." it causes me to wonder if your ego isn't beginning to overshadow your love and concern for your friend. More specifically, if you are at the point where you feel you can't quit because his friends might win, then I have to wonder if NOT quitting has more to do with NOT letting them win than it HAS TO DO with your relationship and love for Chris. Does this make sense to you at all? I don't want to come off sounding harsh at all, and I don't doubt that you love and care for this person a great deal, but I caution you not to let your ego stand in the way of doing something that might actually benefit you to the greatest degree in the long run. Which leads me to my next point...
Perhaps instead of thinking of it as "quitting", because I sense that you certainly aren't a quitter, you could think of it as "letting go"... at least for now. In "letting go", you are not giving up, as in the context of "quitting", rather you are taking a break, taking pause, letting things just "be", while you patiently go on about your life until something changes. I have to believe that you've heard this expression before, "When you let go of something that you love and it comes back to you, then you know it was meant to be". It is my belief that sometimes we have to let go of things or people we love, because it is the best way to find out if they were meant for us, as is shown when they do or do not return. Like a bird, let him go free.... and if it is meant to be, he WILL fly back to you!
Another thing...you said that you are aware of how painful it would be if you do not continue on your quest to find out what is going on with Chris. Something I have learned about love, is that it is not always joyful and cheery. It CAN BE painful and I think sometimes we have to experience that pain that love brings, or else we will never realize the EUPHORIA that can come with it on the other end of the spectrum! In addition to this, I try to remember that love is not selfish, it is selfless. There is a selfishness (and I say this very gently), in not wanting to let go of Chris because of how painful it will be, because you can not be certain that Chris isn't being caused to feel pain as a direct result of your actions. A question for you then, ... Is your love for Chris strong enough that you would choose to spare him all pain at all cost, even if it meant absorbing all the pain yourself? I know that is probably something that is painful to even think about, but sometimes to spare the ones we love, we have to do the suffering. We have to do the letting go. We have to have move forward without forgetting, but without pressing too hard and without letting our own ego stand in the way of doing the right thing, especially when it concerns the one we love!
I wish you the best, no matter what you decide. In the end, it is your conscience that you must answer to at the end of the day, and therefore, you know what is the best course of action to take. I hope that in the end, you will find exactly what it is that you are looking for!
Thanks but I don't have an ego.
Thanks 4 the advice but I'm the one feeling these things.
I'm trying not to get angry so I'll just leave it at thanks 4 your thoughts.
I think what Sacogirl has told you is very sound advice. I would like to add something to that, again from my own advice and experience, not a psychic viewpoint as such.
Firstly, I would like to say I understand how you are feeling as I have a similar situation going on with a man in my life, but different in the sense that we have been having a relationship of sorts for the past almost 12 months. I seem to remember that you said you were good friends with Chris in high school, then you met up again after many years and you spoke explicity for a while then he disappeared.
I want to point out a couple of things, and they are for your sake and benefit, so please don't take it the wrong way. Firstly, speaking explicitly with somone is not and does not make a relationship, usually it's just a bit of fun for guys. I know you have deep feelings for this guy, but from what you've explained, there has never been a relationship, so I imagine he has seen this as just a bit of harmless fun between friends. (He IS a guy after all!!!!)
Secondly, if this guy truly had feelings for you or saw you as more than a friend, it honestly wouldn't matter what his friends tell him about you. I have had MOST people I know tell me to get rid of this guy in my life and forget about him. I won't do that, I too love my man and it is MY choice to follow through and see where things lead to. BUT, I must point out again, I have been seeing this man for almost 12 months, have spent time together and been to each other's homes etc etc.
I agree with Sacogirl, about letting something go free.....if it returns, it was meant to be. Let him go, and if he wants to and is meant to be with you, he will come back. I know this is hard, trust me I am following my own advice and have done the same thing with my man. When he doesn't see you or hear from you it gives him space and a chance to see if he thinks about you and misses you or not. Step back and give him that space, some men don't like to be pursued, they like to be the pursuer (you know going back to the caveman days where the man goes out to do the hunting thing). In the meantime, focus on yourself and your own needs. Let Chris go, let the expectations of the outcome go. When we don't expect a particular outcome, we can't be disappointed.
If he comes back.......great, if he doesn't then you know where you stand and you know it's time to move on with your life. Set yourself a time frame and when that time is up, don't look back. I think you said you haven't heard from him in a few months. If a man really is keen and wants to contact you, he will certainly find a way.
I don't know how this will work out for you, but life is too short to waste too much time on someone that perhaps is not right for you. Until you put this behind you one way or the other, you will not be open to meeting someone else that may be better suited and you will be happier with. Remember your needs also need to be met.
There is nothing to say that you can't still be a friend to him, but why settle for a man who doesn't think you are the best thing since sliced bread. Good luck with it all.
See this not as "giving up" on Chris........but choosing YOU.
He's going to Iraq so it's out of my hands about him going away cause he is.
It just pisses me right fucking off that ppl think letting go is so bloody easy.
It's not your heart that's aching, it's not you who fucking cries over this.
Yeah let go.Must be so fucking easy 4 all of you.
I have feelings,a beating heart,blood through my veins.I'm not a cold blooded bitch who can just say fuck off Chris.
Wish I never started this thread.
Damn I'm bloody stupid at times.
Yes, I know you're hurting. I'm in pretty much the same boat and believe me, I do understand how it hurts. But he's not giving you anything at the moment, he is not meeting your needs in any way and don't you think you deserve more than that? Don't you think you deserve a relationship that with a man who thinks the sun shines from you, who can't wait to see you and spend time with you, who goes out of his way to do things that he knows you like because he loves you and wants to make you happy?
No one said letting go is easy, as I told you, I've let my man go too, and yes it hurts. But some short term pain and KNOWING where you stand for your own sake has got to be better than hanging on and hanging on and hanging on and wasting time and feelings for someone who perhaps doesn't feel the same way. We all deserve love and happiness, it's just that sometimes we fall in love with people who are not right for us and are not able to give us what we need to be happy. It's not about being cold blooded or about telling him to eff off, it's about saying I will always love you as a friend Chris, but I deserve to find love and happiness and fulfillment too and now it's about me and what I need. It's about taking your focus off Chris and focusing on yourself instead.
Where to start on this issue? Well as a retired soldier I can guess that one thing that is going through his head is he is afraid you won't be there when he gets back home. Another is he doesn't want anyone to worry about him while his gone serving his country. You are not selfish, obsessed or anything else so don't put yourself down on falling in love with a soldier. What you should do is contact his unit and ask for a mailing address so you can send him letters; then sit down and write one from the heart and let him know that you will be there for him when he returns. If he truly cares then he will either write back or possibly call if he can to let you know how he feels. I wish you well Taurusgirl!!
taurusgirl, I know this has been so hard for you. People are really just trying to be helpful. No on is trying to tell you what to do. They are coming from a caring place, trust that. You are not ready to give up and thats your decision. You will do what you need to when YOU are ready. Not anyone else. I think what people are trying to tell you is that by hanging on you are causing yourself even more pain than its worth. Try to see this from another perspective. If a friend of yours was having the same issue what would you say to her. What advice would you give your best friend if you saw them in serious agony over love?
To let go is not to give up. To let go is a brave thing to do and it causes healing, it brings peace. The result could in fact be that the guy suddenly shows up with a smile on his face saying he has missed you. That is the fruit that might come from letting go. Even if it sounds not logic. It has to do with the focus. Instead of focusing on what you do not have, then focus on what you have and want to have. Instead of feeling the void, feel that he is allready present in your room. Suddenly he might then appear. To focus on how much one is missing something in fact makes it stay status quo much longer. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_b1GKGWJbE8 is a link to the film The Secret. It explains how the way we focus our mind can change our lives.
I dont think that people are saying that he does not want you etc. I dont think that is why people advice you to let go of him. To let go of him is an inner service for yourself. The fruit is that it brings peace within you. And since you no longer then focus on feeling the void, instead of focusing on how it feels to be without him, since you no longer focus in that way, then he might suddenly pop up. It is a universal truth about how this world works.
Why do poor people continue to stay poor? Because they focus on the feeling of being poor. It is called poverty consienceness. And it is very difficult to get out of such a inner approach. But when the inner approach to the world is corrected, then life is corrected too. So that is why people continously advice you to let go of him. When you do that, he might suddenly pop into your life and everything will be as you wanted in the first place - and even better. That is normally the right approach that I have in my life. And I am a lucky girl. Although it does take an enormous great deal of PATIENCE to believe what one does not see yet. But it does work. So the apporach should always be: Everything will be allright. That you must trust.
But I expect you will be angry with me once more for talking to you. At least I tried. I am waiting for your attack.
My advice to you is to buy the e-book, "How to retrieve a lover" It pretty much explains exactly what thehangedwoman is trying to say. So far it's done wonders for me. retrievealover.com.
It not only helps you with relationships, it helps you have a different perspective on everything in life...work/money/..and how to maintain a better, healthy relationship.
It also says that YOU are the only one in control of your feelings, no-one else is responsible for them. No matter what happens, you have the choice on how to re-act and your thoughts effect YOU. Not Chris, not his friends...nor any of the people that you don't agree with that are just trying to help you, here.
"if you can master your thoughts, you can master your own destiny.
The definition of EGO:
1. The self, especially as distinct from the world and other selves.
2. In psychoanalysis, the division of the psyche that is conscious, most immediately controls thought and behavior, and is most in touch with external reality.
a. An exaggerated sense of self-importance; conceit.
b. Appropriate pride in oneself; self-esteem.
Everyone on this planet has an EGO..in some way, shape or form. By reading this and many of your previous posts, you definitely have an EGO. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's your choice on how you use it. Positively or negatively. So far, you think that everyone is attacking you when all they are trying to do is shed a little light on the questions you have...that YOU have asked.
I'm sorry, but I am as blunt as they come. If you're not liking anyone's answers and you constantly go against what-ever advice that people try and give you......and you continuously choose NOT to receive any of it, then stop asking questions. It's absolutely pointless. You're wasting peoples time. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. This isn't a personal attack against you....we are ALL looking for answers. But don't be surprised if they are not always what you want nor expect. Live the way you want to live and believe only what you want to believe, no one is going to miraculously change their perspective by the same question.
I don't know you at all, but by the many MANY posts I've read I think you are waiting for someone to tell you, yes!!...he will love you forever and you should wait your entire life for him. He is your soulmate....so let him do what-ever the f@ck he wants to you and stick by his side till your dead.
If you believe that, then believe it and stop being so rude to those who are only trying to help YOU. To shed a little on what YOU asked about.
Well Blondie I'm going to be blunt GET FUCKED!!
THW I'm not going to bother with you cause that's what u want and I'm not that stupid.
If anyone else has nothing positive to post the GET FUCKED and go elsewhere.
I dont think anything of what I wrote was negative. You are far too angry to understand what people are trying to tell you. A very strange phenomenon wich I dont understand where comes from. Poor you.
Taurus girl1974, Please Please let go of all the anger and negativety. Once you are able to do that, you will be able to focus. The anger is like a brick wall. Take a breath and refocus only then will you be able to know which path to go down.
I want you to know that you are not alone in having a hard time letting go emotionally of someone you love.
I too have a difficult time with it.
It is NOT easy.
I get frustrated at times when told to move on, let go, cheer up, etc.
The people that post on this forum are ones that only want the best for others. I have been told things that my heart does not want to hear, but ones that my mind knows it needed to.
Considering your situation with this man's "friends".... you are correct, they are NOT his friends. They are a bunch of manipulators. To do what they have done makes them so.
I wonder why they act this way.
Maybe they are single and do not want to lose their buddy that way?
Do they use him for financial fun times?
There is some reason they see you as a threat.
They have no doubt done this before.
Have you told your man about what they have done?
I am sure that you have, and I wonder, why does HE consider these people his friends?
That being said.... when you stated that you did not want them to win... that is something that set off a lot of red flags for everyone here I think.
I really do understand your feelings on this, I really do. I had a wonderful boyfriend with a manipulating mother in his life.
She was constantly ruining our dates etc.
It drove me nuts that she was "winning".
I told him about things she had done and all it did was drive a wedge between us and that suited her just fine.
He ended things with me and is happy with someone else now.
If he and I were able to stay together, and she kept on doing what she does, she would be driving me nuts all the time and she "wins" as long as I kept "playing".
Now if he had NOT ended it with me and I only stayed with him because I wanted to "win" then I would be the loser.
Putting myself through all that stress, manipulations, anger, is only ruining my health, physical and emotional.
By not doing that, the manipulations of this woman is turned on the next woman in her son's life, I no longer have to deal with the manipulative mother, and health wise am better off.
HOWEVER, I was NOT head over heels in love with him. I did care for him very much, and I could see a future with him. I was just not ga-ga over him.
staying in a relationship to "win" against those opposing forces is actually "losing".
This gives those horrible "friends" more access to harm you.
Of course it is hard to let go when you love someone dearly and you know that people are working against HIM and his happiness.
I know that he is being sent off now and it means an end to your relationship as it was.
I hope that you will be able to see that people here only wanted what was best for you, and that is to be away from those horrid friends of his.
I wish you the best.
Blondie -- Reading through this thread, I found something I wrote helpful "retrievealover.com". You say this helps in other aspects of your life as well? I'm not trying to retrieve a lover, that's all. I have read "The Secret". I get the jist of it, but cannot somehow APPLY it.
I am that person that breeds failure. I understand, you won't be rich while you're thinking poor. You won't be happy, while you're thinking sad. You won't have a great job, when you're just complaining about the one you have. My question is: How do you turn that off, and apply what you DO want?
I hope you come back on this site after the remarks made earlier. I'm sorry that such ill things were sad to you. I like coming to this site, BECAUSE everyone is so helpful, loving and caring. This is the first that I saw someone be so rude and selfish of their own feelings, when others were trying to help. How sad.
Taurus: I could not let go of my husband. He was treating me and my son terribly (with disrespect and just being awful.) I couldn't let go. It was so hard. I even had a moment where I went a little crazy. I stole his cell phone while he was sleeping (I wasn't living there at the time, I helped myself) and went through his "contacts". I called the numbers of the women that I didn't know. This was at 3 in the morning. Finally, I found out that he had cheated. (That works like a light switch for me. If someone cheats, I'm done.)
So, I finally let go, and stopped bothering him. Cause that's what I was doing. I was just bothering him. He didn't want to be with me. Five months later, he started coming to my work (I was a waitress at the time putting myself through college.) I had been able to detach myself long enough to realize that I really didn't want to be with him anymore, and the sight of him just disgusted me. Anyway, I hope this helps. I feel for you. I have been in your shoes many times. It was just this last time that I snapped out of it. I even dated a soldier. I know I wasn't completely in your shoes, but I was somewhere in the vicinity.
I'm thirty-five years old and don't WANT to be with anyone right now. I'm happy just being me and being a Mom to my awesome son. I'm trying to find out who I am right now. & What I want out of this life. Then I'll add a dash of man. Who knows.
Good luck with whatever you decide, as it has to be YOUR choice. No one can make it for you, and that's ONLY how you're going to learn of what is to come. Peace be with you & may God bless you in your endeavors.
So amazing! Such loveing kindness extended--apreciated or not. Everyone has responded from the heart and everyone has said the same thing. You ask and then you insult.. Thank God there is enough love on this site to counter the energy of your misplaced and haywire emotions. Why are you still asking?--I feel like you are a big ball of anger waiting for anyone to just dare to knock off that chip on your shoulder. To think others have no idea about pain is not rational at all and is just plain paranoid. Two words: Bipolar and Medication. For all those who poured out their hearts and extended there positive advice, I enjoyed reading your posts. They were insightful and real. As a writer I am inspired by truth--it gives me food for thought and adds meat to the bones of my work. I am grateful! Thank you.
Well said Blue Moon, I have been pretty patient with Taurusgirl and its wearing thin after the comment to blondie telling her to get bleeped. That was too far. You ask for opinions and dont like honest answers then you are at the wrong place. I think bipolar might be the correct diagnose for the problem. Do you find it hard to control your emotions? Or have suicidal thoughts? Do you imagane yourself as being "above" other people thats called dillusions of granduer and with rage combination those are signs that you are bipolar and in serious need of at least therapy. I dont think this guy is into you and his friends are making fun of your obsession with their friend. I saw your picture and chris's picture and he is out of your league. You do need some help Taurus girl.
Blmoon -- I LOVE to write (if you couldn't tell hehehe). So I respect your profession. I have always wanted to be a writer even. That being said, I just wanted to give you permission to use any of my comments to your writings if it helps. Cheers!