Blmoon, Could you please help me?
I was just reading another thread where you helped fairejay and spoke about your abilities as a psychic medium. You were so kind and wonderful to her that I am wondering if you might be able to help me also.
I am 39 yrs old now, but when I was 20, in January of 1992 my father committed suicide in my family home where I grew up and where my mother and younger brother and sister still lived. I had gone off to college by that time already and was living with a boyfriend in our own apartment when he died, although I had stopped attending school at that point and was struggling in many aspects of my life, but even just to survive with a roof over my head, food to eat and oil to heat our apartment.
( Before I go further, I want to clarify that the man I call my father was not my biological father. He did however adopt me when I was young... around the age of 4 or 5. My siblings are his biological children. He was the only father I ever knew and he adopted me after he and my mother got married the 2nd time around. YES.. they married twice. 1st, right after high school. This marriage did not work out as he joined the army and was sent away from my mother. While he was gone, so the story goes, my mother became lonely and began a relationship with another man, eventually getting divorced from my father. This other man was to be my biological father. She married my biological father, who left her pregnant upon finding out she had conceived a child with him. He did not want the responsibility of being a parent as he was very rebellious and knew he could not offer her stability. They too divorced, and within several years, she once again married my father the 2nd time around. It always meant something special to me that he was wanting and willing to provide for me and even adopt me, knowing that I was the product of the unfaithful relationship between my mother and another man which caused their first marriage to fail. I felt it took a special man to have that much love in his heart, not only to have my mother back and in marriage again, but to take me as his own child in adoption. On a further side note, I did not meet my biological father until I was 16 yrs old, and after knowing him only six months, he was killed by a drunk driver while pushing his disabled vehicle off the side of the road)
So, to be clear, my biological father "M" died six months after I met him, by car accident, when I was 16 yrs old, but my father, my "daddy", "C" died when I was 21 yrs old, by committing suicide.
When my father died, we were at odds with one another. The boyfriend I was living with and me were fighting a lot, and he got my father involved and my father, much to my sadness and disappointment took the boyfriends side and believed him over me. I remember feeling so angry and heartbroken that in ME he did not trust.
No one knew that my father was depressed, and we are now assuming he was, because he left no note or explanation as to why he took his life. His sudden death was shocking to the whole family. As I mentioned I was very angry with him when he died, but on the day of his death I called him and left a message for him on the answering machine. It was within a half hour that I left the message that he walked the family dogs, and then went to the basement with a gun.
My father was a very complicated man, as he could be the most fun, affectionate, loving, encouraging father one could ask for, but he had a dark side, and could be very emotionally, verbally and physically abusive as well. The abuse was mainly aimed at my mother, but it always seemed to trickle down in my direction out of the blue or because I would interfere and try to protect my mother, I would suffer from the abuse too. This was the same man however, that would wake us up at midnight on a hot summer night and drive us out to the cornfields to watch the Northern Lights. He was a true lover of nature. I have always been conflicted over my deep love and respect for him, in that he chose to be my dad, and my anger and resentment over his actions at times during my life.
After he died, I thought I had begun to grieve, and even years later I thought I had "gotten past it". What I realized several years ago was that I really hadn't, because I never went through the
"anger" part of grieving. I mean how can you be angry at someone you loved so much? On fathers day 2005, I realized how angry I really still was, and I remember sitting in my computer chair for most of the day looking at his picture and sobbing. Asking "WHY?? HOW could you??" "Don't you know how different our lives could be if you were still here"!! "How could you think we would be better off without you??!!" I finally let him know how angry I was. I was also, i realized, still angry because we had not resolved our issue when he passed. I have lived with the fact that I was furious with him for believing that boyfriend, when he chose to leave us, which leaves me feeling like he departed this world not knowing how much I loved him because I was so mad. To be sure, I do not blame myself for his choice, I just hate knowing that that our last words to each other were angry fighting words. I also don't know if he ever listened to the message I left on the answering machine.
I'm sorry for rambling, and I know I should get to the point, but I wanted you to have as much information as you might need, should you be willing and/or able to help me with this. What I am wanting to know is if it's possible for you to have contact with him in hopes to receive answers to some of my questions, so that i might be able to heal my heart and put him peacefully to rest forevermore? What i would like to know is if he ever heard my message on the answering machine? Why did he leave us? Is he still with us (me)? Does he know how much I loved him and appreciated him and what he meant to my life? In addition, are you able to get any kind of message or information from him that he would want me or my family to know? Anything that would help to bring us some closure, even after all these years? Anything at all, really!
I wonder about my biological father too. We had only met in person three times before he passed, but began to become quite close. I had a dream about him the night he died, although I did not know he died until two days later. I have always felt that he came to me in my dream. I wonder too, if he is with me. I am his only child that I know of. I loved him very much and had looked forward to a lifetime of getting to know him, even though he wasn't with me during my childhood. Is there any message that you can bring me from him? Can you tell him that I love him and I forgive him?
Blmoon, I know this is a tall order so to speak, a huge request, and I almost feel awkward asking, but I don't know if I will ever have the opportunity to ask again, or be in a position to ask again, and so I humbly ask. You are blessed with an amazing gift that you have been so generous to share with others and I would be forever grateful if there is anything you can do to help me. There wouldn't be enough ways to thank you, and I couldn't say it enough times.
Blessings to you,
Blmoon, there is something I forgot to mention. My oldest son was conceived about a month or so after my father passed, and was born on 10/13/1992. My dad passed on 1/17/1992. Can there be any sort of a soul connection there, or would that be ruled out due to the fact that my father committed suicide? I have always felt the my son was wise beyond his years. AS an infant my mom and I used to comment on how he looked like a wise, old, soul. Any insight?
Hi Sacogirl! Sorry it isn't Blmoon, yet. I was reading your thread, just picking random threads mind you, and I am amazed still at the greatness of Blmoon's gift. I was letting my Mom that thread and she got to the end and was like That is truly a blessing from God! She is not normally so accepting of the "psychic" related things. I really thought she would say Amy that is just bull or something but there was no denying a blessing so obvious. I will pray that you get the help you asked for and Im sure if at all possible Blmoon will help you too. Good luck and best wishes to you sweetie!
I am taking a few deep breaths with this one--so much tightness in the chest. Painful, with no relief other than some kind of explosion, can't drink enough, no pill will touch it, it's a pulsing wildly like a live wire running non stop through the veins--the mind racing and feeling like the heart is ready to exploed. This is what you didn't know--this is what pulled the trigger---no deep intent nothing really personal just the going out of your mind need of relief now. Your father had a mental illness-he was a manic depressent. Most do not get diagnosed untill they are 50! If they live that long. The thing that disguises are times of normalcy when they are really their true selves--- and then brain wave explosions. Their disease hides behind alchoholism and drug addiction They can not handle any stress--there are triggers that start a manic episode--usually any kind of responsibility or life change sends them manic. When they are manic they don't sleep, don't eat except to binge on sugar and junk. Drink or do drugs but they just don't seem to be able to pass out. They get violent and paranoid. They even look different-- eyes turn wild and dark--they say vile things and it's as if someone else has possessed your loved one. You missed a lot when you left for college--your father was very ill. It wasn't your fault but it did stress him when you left--he had fears and those fears spiriled into a dark place where he thought he was bad and evil and bad things where going to happen to everyone he loved--that's how irrational his illness got. He had no idea he was mentally ill--it's the tragic part of the disease--when they are manic they think they are supreme beings and become tyrants and bullys when the manic phase ends and they are depressed they torment themselves silently full of loathing for all the crazy mean things they did and believing that they really are just plain evil and born to inflict pain on every one they love. You will hardly know this as they never tell their feelings--intimacy causes panic attacks. For them loving others is painfull--they worry and imagine bad things. They do this silently and detached. I am almost exhausted right now feeling the weight of your father's pain. So much pain. When you were fighting with the boyfriend and him he was at the high end of manic and actually he was dilusional and reliving the break up with your mother the first time--he actually spoke to you a few times like you were her. What should have just been a normal family fight that should have ran it's course and forgiveness came and you all made up--that is how it would have happened if he had not been ill. You walked into a storm--he really wasn't angry with you and after the explosion left his brain spent and he finally crashed to the lonely silent dark place in his foggy head he just could not face doing it anymore--he was horrified at his out of control behaviour once again. He did hear your message but he was already gone--nothing left--spent. He says it's a hopelessness with no return. That moment he was not really himself. So detached from reality he was that it fealt like a dream he says--he didn't even feel himself in his body anymore. Also, your other father had an anxiety disorder as well although he was impulsive in other ways and had a compulsion to keep moving--he just couldn't be still too long.! At the time it was the attraction your mother was driven to repeat. It ran in both mens families. Both fathers shared other lifetimes with you. They are close on the other side. And your son came as an old soul to help you recover. Both men are close by but are careful not to get too close for you to notice as you have not healed yet. They are very protective of you and these feelings you've stored away must be managed constructively and slowely. You have not finished grieving.Now you are ready to start the journey of realy healing. What you've done all these years is survived. Your mantra is keep on keepin on. If you didn't start this healing process now you would be facing illness in your fiftys, Your fathers and your son will help you through this process. You will know you are getting better when you start getting closer visits from both men and it will be joyful and peaceful and without regret. You will enjoy their presence without any questions. There will be peace. The moment both of them left this earth they saw only truth and now come from a place of unconditional love--of course they know your feelings--death settles all misunderstandings from where they are looking from. T
Hi Fairyjaye! Sorry, but I didn't see your post until last night, and by then Blmoon had posted as well, and after I read both your posts my vision became non existent, as I couldn't see through all the tears. Your post was so sweet and kind, I was very touched by your caring and your prayers. I was very happy to see that Blmoon had posted right after you and what she had to say was amazing. Thanks again for your encouraging words, it meant a lot, and I hope we have the pleasure of talking again!
With love and light,
Hi Blmoon.. I want to thank you so much for your reply. I am working on a post back to you and will put it up as soon as I'm done...it's an emotionally difficult topic to write on, so it's taking me a little longer than I anticipated.
I understand. I was completely wiped out for twenty four hours after allowing your father's presense to recapture that day. It had to be real to be healing for you.The depression that lingered through my body was overwhelming! But I knew it was just a temporary state and would pass. I had to sleep very late today and all day yesterday had to resist over reacting to other people as I was still not myself. I'm happy to have been of service. I know it was not a waste of energy. I am myself again and it is a good place to be!
AMAZING!!! I have read the posts Blmoon left me countless times and am starting to do the same with the posts left for you, Sacogirl. I just can't find the word for what Blmoon has done for both of us and probably many others too. I feel like the help she so kindly gave us is connected somehow by the way we came upon each others threads. It just adds to the greatness of the blessing I got to see that you were able to recognize that she could help you by reading how she helped me. I was close to tears for both of you as I read your messages!
I just want you to know that even if I hadn't got a blessing from the message for me, which I think would have been near impossible, I would still feel blessed to see that you & she connected by the help she gave me.
This is my inspiration to make today a great day! A glimpse of what God can do for us if we let him! Love and prayers to you both!!
Also Blmoon if you read this, I left another message for you on our thread about the nightmare (which turned out not to be a nightmare after all).
Thank you from the bottom of my very big heart, for using your gifts to help me. It must have taken a lot out of you to do what you did, and I'm sorry that you had to experience that which my father did, and all of his pain. I can't imagine what that must truly feel like, so I hope that you are doing okay.
I read your post the other night but couldn't respond then, as I sat sobbing behind my computer for what seemed like an eternity. It was definitely A catharsis of sorts. I don't even know where to start right now, and just thinking about what I want to say, brings more tears. It is so painful to hear what my dad was experiencing, and it breaks my heart to know what he was going through and to know that we weren't able to help him. When my dad's father was a child he found HIS mother in their barn hanging from the rafters. She had taken her life as well. Naturally, this brings me to think that she too had some sort of mental illness and as we know this can be genetic and run in families. So very sad. I have also read that the suicide of a family member can lead to an increase of the probability that other family members will resort to the same action.
I am devasted to learn that he was SO sick and that we (his family) didn't recognize it but at the same time there is a little relief in knowing that as you put it, "there was no deep intent nothing personal", which I interpret to mean that there was no single reason or reasons for what he did, rather it was his need to find some relief from all of the overwhelming and uncontrollable emotions he was experiencing. As it is for many who commit suicide it was the only answer that would allow him to escape the torture he felt inside his mind. It is a double edged sword ...glad he didn't do it because of something he felt that "we" did, but devastated that we didn't see that he needed help. We had no idea the depths of his despair and illness.
In retrospect, I can recall what would be considered "signs" of manic depression, but perhaps not to the extreme of staying up all night and such. He was a social drinker and would categorize him has having a problem with alcohol, however he did smoke marijuana for as long as I can remember. I suppose that was his way of self medicating. He would also exhibit manic behavior in the sense that he could be very impetuous in making financial expenditures. He was self employed as a machanic and owned and operated his own gas/service station which he purchased in 1980. We lived in a very small rural town and he worked his fingers to the bone trying to make a success out of the business, but times were rough economically, and he often spent more time at the garage than he did at home. Sometimes he would get an idea in his head about how increase the business revenue, but these ideas often required him invest in bigger and better tools or machinery to make more money often however, he ended up not having the success he anticipated by making these expenditures, and often even ended up more in debt and unable to make payments on things that he invested in.
The part that made me cry harder was the part where you said that he did hear my message. Again, a double edged sword. I'm glad that he heard it, but sad that it wasn't able to snap him into some sort of reality so that he could realize what he was about to do, and stop himself. It's a little comforting to know that the reason he he didn't take my side was that he was not himself, but taken over by the illness to the degree that he was no longer being rational. This helps me to realize that I can't take that situation personally any longer and I can let go of that anger and hurt.
You totally pegged my biological father as a person too. He was a 'wanderer" and couldn't sit still for too long. It makes me very happy to know that I've shared lifetimes with both men and it gives me much peace to know that they are close. When I broke down and cried that night I spoke to them and told them that I was so very happy to know that they were there and I invited them to come closer and reveal themselves in some way.The strangest thing happened. I was sitting alone in my livingroom with my laptop on the coffee table and was enjoying the ambiance of a half dozen candles I'd lit, that sit on top of one special shelf. I was crying but I noticed the light in the room changing and looked over at the candles and saw that they were flickering and 'dancing', so to speak. I didn't know what to think at first, but I kept watching and they would dance and then stop, dance and then stop. I could be so very wrong, but i hope that I'm not, because I felt as if they were telling me that they were there with me. Like it was their signal to me to let me know that they were present. It was amazing and I felt such a sense of calm.
You also absolutely described me to a "T", as a "survivor" and how that's what I've been doing all of these years. You are absolutely right. I know that I haven't been "living".. not as I should. But surviving. Putting out fires. Fighting the battle. I feel as though this last year has been the beginning of a journey for me in the sense of reuniting with my true self and engaging in self discovery and spiritual development. I'm not much happier than I was two years ago, but still not as happy as I could be, but I am working on it every day, so that eventually I can say that I truly enjoy life to the fullest, instead of telling myself to "keep on keepin' on"! This site has helped me very much, and not just by the questions I've asked and had answered, but just as much so, by reading other people's questions and the replies they've recieved. I always manage to find a message to me in threads I didn't even start in other peoples questions and the replies from other people. It has been a very soulful and heartfelt experience for me.
Having the reassurance that my dad knew I loved him, even though he was sick, makes me feel so much better. In my heart I've always know that he loved me, no matter what he said, or who he thought he was talking to. I was really worried that he wouldn't truly know my heart, but knowing that he does, lifts a heavy weight off my chest.
Blmoon, I just can't thank you enough for the gift you have given me. It is a life long lasting gift as you have helped me in my healing process and given me such peace about things that concerned me so very much. I'm very sorry if it was an overwhelming undertaking for you, but I am eternally thankful and want you to know how much your gift has blessed me and others on this forum.
I'm sorry it took me so long to reply... I wanted to write in detail but between my emotions and all the distractions I am faced with, it took me much longer than intended. I'm also sorry to read that you were so wiped out after the experience, and I apologize if in your helping me, you over did it in any way in which to cause yourself discomfort or harm.
Again, my endless thanks to you and may you always be blessed,
Hello Blmoon, I was wondering do YOU have a website or do you have a 1800 number where your clients can pay you using PAYPAL??
You have helped me before, and I am so amazed as to how you helped Sacogirl!!
Also do you live in the United States? If so, do you see clients in person as well??
Please let me know.
I got goosebumps after reading your post. I'm so glad you took your time as It was healing for you to write this even though you didn't need to tell me anything more other then thank you. I don't do many readings like yours--only what my energy can handle. Your fathers were ready and very insistant so it was time. The financial part of your father's life was so very right on for his illness. Most manic depressents cannot have access to funds as they will spend themselves into the poor house. Also, there was nothing anyone could have done even if you knew he was mentaly ill. Your father would not have believed it or gone for treatment. There was no talking him out of his feelings--that's why it's a mental illness. He just thought he was bad and a royal screwup when he was depressed and still harbored his fears of what he did wrong not to save his own mother. Do you see the cycle here? He says he is so proud of you for breaking that cycle and this is such a GIFT to him. On the other side of this trajedy comes great wisdom and compassion for you to share. You can't change the past but you can pay it forward. This gives his life purpose--the power of free will--to take a dirty hand dealt and grow roses! Expect more magic as Christmas aproaches he says. You are his Rose.
Thank you again, Blmoon! He is right... I did break the cycle. I never understood how my Dad could believe that we would be better off without him, until I became so unbelievably depressed myself. I"ve struggled with depression throughout my whole life, but it wasn't until I sunk very deep and began to think that MY kids would be better off without ME, that I scared the you know what out of myself, and I immediately got myself some help. Because of the help I received, that thought didn't last long, but for just a small amount of time, I understood what he felt like in terms of the hopelessness, anyway. Thankfully, I've been able to manage my depression appropriately, and as a result, haven't felt that "red flag" way since! Knowing that he is proud of me for that, makes me feel very happy, because unfortunately, other people in my family can't seem to accept that I am doing so much better. They still want to see me as that "other" person, who I am so far away from being. That reminds me... when I was reading my reply, I made a big typo.. I said that "I'm not much happier than I was two years ago...", but what I meant to say is that I AM much happier..lol! Another thing he may be proud of, is the zero tolerance stand I take against domestic violence. I'm very vocal about it and have tried to help many women in different ways, but ultimately letting them know they are not alone, that it's nothing to be ashamed about, and that rather than hide it, it's ok to talk about it. I've shared my own story without a care about what people will think about ME because I beat the cycle in my own relationship and free'd myself from the grips of a man's attempt to control me with his abuse, living to tell about it and help others. I can only assume that these are the things he speaks of in terms of breaking the cycle and paying it forward!
I hope you have a wondrous holiday, Blmoon. You have certainly helped to bring me an enormous amount of peace in regards to these feelings and uncertainty I've experienced all of these years. I couldn't ask for a better gift than that!
Many, many, many blessings!
Spoken like a true rose! And I didn't notice the typo but read it as intended. Thank you for being an advocate for battered woman. It is my dream to win the lotto and build a shelter for women! It will be the kind of place that feeds mind body and spirit. Woman who have been there helping other women. Your fathers are beeming--you have given their lives purpose and tipped the scales in their favour. What does not destroy us makes us compassionate and wise and capable of great service.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Blmoon maybe you can help me after u rest for a while. I need some advice..My life lately has been on big tiedieous struggle (single parent trying to make it/help others on the way) Am worried lately over everything job, finicailly, health, Money... I have started to go back to college to get a advance degeree,,but i don't have the money finicially.. I have broken off one relationship ,and I think i might actually have a decent goodheart friend that would be a great potential partner in my life.? What is your advice THank you for any asst. MErry CHristmas..