Cancer man...I thought I was the lucky one
Duh, finally coming here for advice with this cancer man that I've met around 4 months ago. Saying finally cause since the time I met him I've been reading on here the confusing cancer topic, just out of curiosity. Until now I didn't think he was so confusing, but oh, well, it just started. To add more, it's my first time asking for this kind of help online and I'm not 18 but already in my middle thirties.
Back to the point, he is my first cancer sign in my life. I've had an Aries and an Aquarius, but the only man I sincerely loved was only the Aries, and that was 2 years ago. Yes, I first felt true love in my thirties. Compatibility related, even after going through this now, I can tell the cancer man I have in my life now is my true match, even though as an Aquarius I'm supposed to get along more with the other two, the Aries and the Aquarius. I believe it's because of my Venus in Pisces and his is in Cancer. So, here is the story: we met at his place, had an instant connection, I could tell he was even more attracted to me than I was to him. I never felt such a caring attitude in my whole life, he was so sweet and at the same time smart and entertaining. After couple hours of intense conversation we ended up in bed and that was his initiative as it's not how things work with me. I'm more of a brainiac that lives things in her head first before rushing into something intimate. But we did it. So, since that night, I was talking to him all the time. He was mainly the initiator, he would text and I would reply. Since then we've been texting each other several times a day every day, and spending every night on messenger. Well, now don't get me wrong, it was not the sweet talk all the time. Here is the best part: we have common job interests, and that's why we're spending so much time online. We would stay and communicate up until late at night, would kiss each other goodnight and this happens every night. In the morning I get the morning message and sometimes he texts me during the day to ask me where I am or what I"m doing. I know an Aqua would think of this as a sign of clinginess. I am happy with that. This is my first time to get such attention from a man and I realized that I like that. I also could understand about myself what kind of person I am when in love. I 'm probably the ultimate freedom loving woman but only when not relationship related or when not romantically involved. When in love I can become clingy and needy, BUT I might not show it all the time because I feel I might scare them off. So, this is my big contradiction, trying to behave like an Aquarius when I don' t feel like an Aquarius when in love.
Back to the topic, what I feel we have is amazing! I feel like he's my best friend, my best lover and my best coworker All in one! He was not showy about what he felt if something for me. I'm not that showy either, but I know he understood that I have developed feelings for him. He did too ,but he said he didn't want to show it because his relocation was up in the air. So, the things took a different turn when he decided to move out 100 miles away. He said, that was his plan even before meeting me but he was not sure he would have to move so that's why he didn't tell me before. So, here's the situation, he told me he's moving but didn't break up with me, still didn't clarify what we are supposed to be. Then texted me to ask why I was sad that day and I said I was upset because I was not going to see him anymore. He was kinda surprised by my answer and said he could still come and visit me, and that he wants me to "remain his good friend". I freaked out first saying I couldn't do that while I still feel something for him, but the day after I realized it's better to have him as friend than not have him at all in my life. Although, I decided that mostly because of him not stopping messaging me and saying he's used to talk to me every day. Here is where the mixed signals started. He's never clarified how things would be between us up until tonight. He has already moved for couple days. Yesterday, I say him last time, of course no sex, we spent the time just like friends. We talked on messenger earlier and the discussion about us came up. I said it's hard to behave just as friends only when you don't feel it this way. He asked " could we still be more than friends?" I was hesitating with my answer cause I didn't know if this is what he wanted or he just wanted to know my opinion. But after I told him I could do the long distance relationship to only realize he just wanted to know what I thought about that. Also, said he didn't want to waste my time, and that he's not the guy for me (he's having some immigration problems). Anyway, I signed out from the messenger and he continued to text me on my phone. I said "move on with your life and don't waste my time anymore". He started explaining that he didn't want to hurt my feelings and that he could still have sex with me and lie (about what I don't know/ he didn't explain it to me when I asked). He said he respects me and that's the least thing he wanted was to hurt my feelings. I said he doesn't have to explain that to me if he's doing it from feeling guilty, but he said he's not feeling guilty and he did nothing wrong and he respects me that's why he wants to explain things. He said his last relationship ended because of the distance and he's afraid of losing somebody under same circumstances. Anyway, he say he doesn't want to give up on me and if I want to remain his friend. I said "you'll be still wasting my time and I don't want anymore". He sent a sad smile message and stopped. After that I thought he wouldn't message me anymore as I made clear I can't be friends now while I"m still in love with him. But, I guess I was wrong, after couple hours he messaged me "Goodnight, sweetie!" and I didn't reply.
Oh, sorry this post is so long, but I felt I'd rather explain things so I can get the quickest advise possible. The matter is I don't feel so much attached to him. Yes, I do see in him my very good match, yes, he could be the best friend I never had in my life, but I can't go through this roller coaster. Not that I suffered long enough, my patience is much better than what I could put up with until now. But, I don't want to get more attached to him because I know if things started that way, I can't remain just a friend to him and along the way even pretending I"m just his friend I might develop stronger feelings. And I don't know what his intentions are, whether he's wanting more out of this in the future or this is his last decision.
Please, please, please , somebody give me the best advise possible. My next action would depend on what advise I would get, although I'm more inclined that I should just abandon this and maybe get back to him when the things cool off. Please tell me if this is the right thing to do now and what would be a cancer reaction if I don't contact him for a long period of time. I care for him as a person too much, so I'm just torn apart. I don't want to lose him as a friend, but I'm also afraid of suffering. So, not sure what is best for me to do now.
Please somebody help to figure this out!
Thanks for reading!
Aquarianna. As you can see i'm an aquarian as well . I met my first cancer b/f on line 15 months ago. My husband was a capricorn and we were married for nearly 20 years before he passed away from a heart attack. then i met a taurus that lasted about a year , i then married a librian which are suppuse to be compatable with but that lasted over 2 yrs , he was very possessive and gealous . we divorced . Then I met my Indian cancer fella . It started just off chatting on line , he contacted me , Then we met . I drove 300 miles to meet him and it was love at first sight for both of us . We spent 3 wonderful days together and we both cried when saying goodbye. We continued our conversation on the phone and texting even through the night . We met a further 4 times and each time we parted it got harder and my heart just ached for him.
Anyway in july this year he decided to go back to India on holiday , we still spoke on the phone a few times a week he was there for 6 weeks altogether , but while there his parents arrangeed a marriage for him . when he came home to the UK he told me about it . As you can imagine I was devastated , but he told me not to worry as it was not what he wanted . We continued to chat but it was not like before , text messages bacame less and dident feel the same , before this he was all lovey dovey , . I helped him with his University fees and paid for his Visa to stay in this country which ammonted to over 4,000 pounds , even when he came back from India he asked me for a further 300 pounds as he was skint . Again I sent him the money . When we met he gave me a watch and a bangle , the next time a T-Shirt with my name written across the front of it . I bought him a silver cross which he said he would wear forever.
Anyway I asked him hwen i could see him again and he said he couldent get time off work due to having 6 weeks off in july so i said ok . then out of the blue he calls me and tells me he is going back to India something to do with his studies . You can imagine all hell broke loose . I said ohh you can get time of work to go back home but u cant get 2 days off to see me . I just went balistic . called him all the names under the sun , After all I'd done for him and all the things he promised me , like , he was going to take me to India next time he went there , he would always love me no matter what , he would die for me , he even used to call me his wife bla bla bla . Next I heard from him was from the airport . that was on a thursday . He called me on the Saaturday and said he loved me and would call me in a day or so , that was the last i heard rom him . its now 5 weeks and no word . So he has either got married , but I dont think so as he would not be able to bring her back home with him just having a Visa , . or he has just dumped me and wants to move on with he life . I am so hurt by it all. at least i think i desserve an explaination , but no. If I could get the chance to just be friends with him I would gladly do so .
I definately think you should do this to have you fella in your life , at least you would still have a connection with him . i think that is better then nothing . and you would still have a little hope of ending up together in the future.I have lost all hope of that . I just cant believe he could do that to me . People on here tell me to forget about him and move on , but it's not as easy as that . I loved him and still do and would do anything just to hear for him . People also say cancer's have a hard time of letting go and will come back at some point . In my case i dont think so . i know what you are saying about the friend thing . But would you rather that than have no contact what so ever . can you move on and start again . This is the worst part Do we know there is someone else out there for us ? My advice to you would be to just maby cool it a little , if he loves you he WILL continue to talk to you as before I am also sure he does truly love you .
May I ask you a question . Can you just forget him and move on or do you want him in your life even as a friend ? I know which one I would choose . I feel we are both going through the same thing and I hope we can be friends and get through this with the help of each other , I am always here for you . Please if you have the time maby you could read my forum ' Have i lost my cancer b/f for good " You will see all the lovely people who have advised me on what to do it may just help you . and i would like you to comment either here or on my forum > MY heart gors out to you , but we will get through this together . Your friend llindieloo. ((( HUGS )))
llindieloo, can't thank you enough for taking your time to write so much for me!!! You're my first friend here!!!
I did read your posts long before signing up here, but I did never comment as I thought I'm new to a "cancer relationship", so not much advise with their "crazy subtleties".
I feel sorry for you going through this...I can imagine what it takes to be ignored the way your man is doing. I wonder how you still love him, I would've gotten cold by now. But again I don't know, I might be wrong as I never had men ignoring me for weeks. From, what I 'm reading here, I can relate it to their "disappearing acts" which is common between cancers. So, here it might be good news for you as they usually do this to those they feel close to. If you're strong and willing enough to wait for him, what you have with your man is not over and he will contact you again some time in the future.
In my situation, it really depends what I want it to continue like. I can say though I have less perspective of ever making it work as a relationship. Why? Because he seems pretty honest with me what he wants. I could never insult or call him names, even though his behavior is asking for some "names" out of me so to speak. This is just not my attitude to things, I do act like an Aqua, so when not face to face I can control my emotions and won't let them out if it's not going to bring something productive just for the sake of insulting if you know what I mean.
Well, now the problem is,I do have trusting issues so the question here is he really being honest with me about what he wants or he's just playing mind games or testing me in some way.
You ask if I want him as a friend better than not have him in my life at all. Well, here is the key, I'm not enough long into him and I feel this is just the time when I can leave him and not get as devastated as I would be if I continue for longer. Of course I would prefer to have such a friend in my life than not have him at all, but I'm not sure I'd want to stay as his friend only or i might get more attached in the other way to him. Do you think my sacrifice would be worth enduring what you have now?
To answer your question I can't just forget him as he's like a great phenomena in my life out of the blue, but I'm strong enough to move on. I feel I don't have to answer to him contacting me anymore just to have him moving on and forgetting me too. But, I don't know if this is how it works with cancers, or I might just offend him with no talking anymore.
At this late time, I'm still figuring what I have to do tomorrow when he will contact me again. And I'm sure he will, even though I didn't reply to his goodnight message.
Thanks for caring for my situation!!! I'll be sure reading you posts again and will respond with any advise I feel appropriate. And I'm looking forward to reading your encouraging messages. It really does help reading all people say on here, than working it alone in my head.
Aquarianna; ahhh thank you for your reply and comments . I am going to work now but i will reply to you when i come home C u soon Take care
@Aquarianna --- I haven't met a woman that IS HAPPY with her cancer man so far and I'm not talking about this forum alone!!! So welcome to the gang Well, as far as being logical is concerned you CAN be good friends with him (provided your emotional state allows you to, I tried being friends with my cancer man but just couldn't lie to myself so am now trying to make him run away...u could refer to my thread called 'Why can't my 'Cancer' leave me alone' :):) I understand where you're coming from about this guy being special to you...THAT is the cancer charm and magic :):) Staying silent in ur case will not help at all as it'd give him no specific reply. Cancers rarely have closures with anyone...And believe me...its easier said than done when people tell you to 'remain friends' with someone you've shared yourself with so intimately!!! I'm glad to know you're a strong woman, so am I but we're still women and we DO need time getting over men we once liked/loved. I'd rather you tell him you need some time off him...and figure out what/how you want things to be while you're on ur own. Time spent alone often provides the best answers/solution. And do Check out comments on different topics by a cancer lady called 'Sandran712' and a cancer male called 'keldjoran' Spot on and reliable :):):)
aquarianna, Hi again . Like you I could never hurt my fella even though he deserves it , the way he's treated me . but what good would that do.? I think deep down you do have feeling for your guy , I know you have only known him a short while but its enough to know if you like someone or not , and if not you would of walked away long before now , If you dont feel anything for him plz let go now , and not let the same thing happen to you as it did me .You are stronger than me. ..
i feel i am older than you and my bio clock's ticking . I guess it's really down to the age difference as he is a lot younger than me although he said that diden't matter to him , but then he said if i was younger he'd marry me without hesitation . They say you meet someone for a reason , well mine must of been to help him achieve his goals . They also say if you help someone you will get back 3 fold , not in my case i am always helping people but i never seem to get rewarded then again maby i have by coming on here making new friends and being given good advice and kind words . Again thats the humaniterian side of us aquarians always helping and giving .
When i love someone I give it 100% and will stand by them through thick and thin . I still think you two can remain good friends espically if he does move away , that way you wont be seeing him or have intamite times with him ., ust friends having a chat now and again and catching up on things in general . At the end of the day it's you decision and no one can decide this only you . Please keep us informed as to your outcome , and you know i am here for you anytime . YOU look after YOU. xoxoxoox
@astrodame nice to see you again , how have you been ? I see you are still trying to get rid of your fella . Like aquarianna , You love Your guy just as much as she does hers .. You just don't want to admit it .... lol . You did however give me some good advice , and so far I have not tried to contact him . Its been so hard but each day that goes by it will get easier I suppose. Nothing more I can do. I agree with you Sandran712 gives good advice and she so loves cancer people ,,,,, hee hee Hope to see you again soon . Take care and good luck xoxoxoxox
**astrodame, I understand what you're saying. Seems that's impossible to be happy with a cancer after reading each story here. When you read all of those posts, even if you do well, you're kinda predicting this known cancer behavior, and damn it, sooner or later it happens. They say cancer men are unpredictable, I say cancer men are very predictable when it comes to showing their true character. What I can tell is that I'm happy with him as "all 3 in one". But in this case if he wants to withdraw from the "lover" section the happiness is not gonna be there anymore. The same could've happened if he decided to stop being friends or even stopped sharing his work interests with me. I don't know, but maybe it's the Aquarius in me that saw the potential true happiness that my lover was also my best friend. With the two other men I"ve been we weren't even friends. They were just a "marriage material" and yes that was the way i wanted them to be. I wasn't expecting them sharing things with me like friends do. Well, but when I felt this type of connection with this cancer man, I would expect no less or different from my future relationships. But this is before the issue we're having now. Things changed and emotionally it does allow me to still be involved with him, but to a certain degree. When the time of my emotional patience is over I get this pain of losing and unsatisfaction. The good thing about me is that I can easily move on if I set my mind to do it. I would suffer enormously for some short time that would be just enough to understand that it's silly to want to give so much of yourself to someone that doesn't need it at the moment. He needs it the way he wants, then why do I have to change my needs? I'm not a chameleon. Or is that what we should be sometimes to make it work?
llindieloo dear, I wish I could ease your pain. I know you're feeling it much more intense than I do. When people say love is love and attachment is attachment, my opinion is different there is no love without attachment. How could you get closer to someone if you're not attached to the person? In your situation you already developed stable feelings and attachment. For me it wasn't enough to develop those, but I could say those 3 words to him and truly mean them. Yes, I love him and I see him as my best match, but I"m not ready for the sacrifice of my life yet. Why? Because of this paradox: I can love unconditionally, but can sacrify only what the person is willing to sacrify for me. Like some sort of compromise at the spiritual level. Now, I'm thinking that should be amazing to think like you do...when you do help or sacrify yourself for someone you get back 3 fold. You gave me a great advise, and it all makes perfect sense!
Here is the update:
He did send me his morning message, this time more fancy " Good morning sweetie! I hope your day will bring you many smiles! " Then in couple hours, not receiving my reply I got another one again related to this crazy "smiles " topic, something like If I get enough smiles maybe I could share one with him. Isn't this weird? Why would it be the day when I should get so many smiles? I didn't message him, not that I got none smiles but I feel I should stick to not answering him. See how confusing he is. Yesterday, I thought he was explaining all that out of respect to me. We ended the conversation that I can't be friends only at the moment with him and maybe I'll contact him later when I 'm ready. Why would he still message me? Where is the respect? Doesn't he understand he hurts me? I was also thinking if he wanted to dump me, he should be stopping messaging me and maybe wait if I contact him and be glad that he got rid of me so easy, but nah, I don't see it this way now. Also, my question is why would he want to have so many friends and no lovers. I believe he has more friends than I do. Why would he stick to me? Anyway, I think I'm going off the topic...will post updates soon.
if I can help you with something , please ask !
Take care and good luck to you too!
wow, another cancer thread. These cancer men are very good at driving us women nuts, aren't they? I've read your story, and I can understand your dilemma. Should you stay friends or completely let go. hy does he keep messaging you? Well, from what I've read on these threads, cancer men do not want to close the door competely in any relationship. They don't see that it hurts you because they are selfish and can only think about how they feel. They like to feel comfortable with people so they will keep you as a friend if they felt good with you.
I can relate to what you said about feeling clingy and needy when in love, not feeling like an aquarian when in love. I am a Leo, not aquarian, but I take pride in being a strong independent woman who leads and does not need anyone's help, etc. But when it comes to love I have a tendency to get insecure and needy. I think this has scared men off in the past.
I don't quite agree about what you said about no love without attachment though. It took me a long time to get over an Aries man once..I mean years! I feel that attachment was when I was hurting and wishing he was still with me, love was when I let go and truly deeply wished for his happiness whether or not I was a part of his life. I think you can love someone without being attached to them. To me, attachment felt more like an addiction. I have moon in Scorpio, I have a tendency for addictions which I need to be careful about. In fact, I am now happy for my man's temporary disappearance because it allowed me to let go of my attachment or addiction-like feelings for him.Now I don't feel the yearning feeling of wanting to hear from him or going nuts that I did a month ago. I feel like I can finally have a relationship without feeling so needy.
I have learned a lot by reading these threads. I came here when I thought mine was suddenly giving me a disappearing act after months of being affectionate. Turns out he was just busy and stressed with sudden changes in his work schedule, but I keep coming back to learn more. This is my first time with a cancer as well, I've never had a relationship with a water sign before, it was Gemini, Aquarius, Sag, Cap and Aries before.
Astrodame-Right now i am quite happy with my cancer man, now that all the misunderstandings are resolved, However I haven't seen him for 3 months, it's been a long distance relationship-we live in different countries, and him being an international pilot he's off to different countries all the time. I'll be seeing him on sunday so I'll see how it does...
@llindieloo --- sigh I dont know if its love i feel for this guy...he's just different from others! I feel a 'connection' sorta thing everytime I talk to him...but then thats the cancer speciality...to make you feel 'special' 'wanted' 'connected' and then DISCONNECTED, LoL !!! I take time falling in love...even though my sun and venus both being in pisces tell me to do so, its my taurus moon that warns me and tells me to to check the water level before I take a dip! You hold urself together llindieloo...love urself and indulge in things you always wanted to do while waiting for an answer from ur cancer (I just checked out a salsa class today for myself btw). And keep me posted...xoxoxox
@Luazinha --- Thats great news :):):) I really am glad to know that things are working out in ur favour at last. I was in a long-distance relationship myself years ago and understand what you may be going through at the time...Its tough going on w/o seeing each other for months. But am sure you'll sail through safe :):) Have faith and it will heal And do keep ur friends on here informed about ur progress...feels good to know that some of us are making the grade :):):)
@Aquarianna --- You're really lucky if you can wade through pain easily :):) I myself dont take long if I wanna move on...but I do remember and sometimes miss good times I had with all my exes..LoL. The best part is the lessons I learnt from each one of my relationships. The current one has taught me how to play games more effectively Stimulation is necessary I agree but what good is a relationship if its only based on that!! And yes, being a 'water' sign I'd agree sometimes we have to be a chameleon to make relationships work. I haven't seen/experienced a combo wherein people were just themselves through and through...somewhere down the line one or both of them adapted and brought about the changes required. I do not fear doing so as painful as it may be...but I do get scared of doing it for a wrong person!! I wish you peace and light :):) Keep us posted.
Astrodame-I will continue to read and check the cancer threads. I found them to be very informative, and I have gotten a better understanding of my cancer, although he's not as bad as some of the descriptions here. It's helped me become more understanding, and gotten an idea of what to do, how to behave when I do see him, not to take certain thngs personally, not to jump to conclusions, etc. He does have many of the characterisctics decribed here. I also feel that I have a bond with the women I have met through these posts, so I will be checking in. I'm only going to see him for 2 days on his layover, but starting next year, his schedule should get better.
,Aquarianna>>the things took a different turn when he decided to move out 100 miles away. He said, that was his plan even before meeting me but he was not sure he would have to move so that's why he didn't tell me before
Sandran>>This is his fault.Being stupid to carry on a relationship with you knowing of the possibility of relocating to a different job.I am sorry But, some of you ladies jump in the sack too fast.Develop feelings for these A holes and then get hurt and heartbroken when they leave.I don't know what I am doing wrong but, I could be in a relationship for 4 years or more and still not ready to settle down.Let alone invest a few months.You do not know a guy in a few months.The longest relationship I was in was 23 years.and even then he was an azz too...LOL...And for these men that do this sort of thing .It would be best if you could either learn some self control or just be a dear and just neuter yourself.
Well said Sandran! Ha ha!
I didn't, I made mine wait 13 years, ha ha.
Aquarianna, If you go into it with eyes wide open, with no expectations then you could enjoy the friendship. If however, you begin to expect more than what he is already eluding to, then you could be opening yourself up to hurt and disappointment. It sounds like he is setting his boundaries and because that long distance relationship was a failure, he doesn’t want a repeat of the same scenario (nobody does). As you said, you have already experienced the “whole package” and because of that, you might be disappointed if there’s a piece missing (and want it back). Or, he could be setting the stage for how much absence you are willing to take, because obviously he can’t be there as much for you as he has been in the past (may be what went wrong in that ldr). Whichever reason it is, they both relate back to the same issue.
Like you, I also wonder why he would start something with you when he knew he was considering relocation, especially since he already knows he has a problem with long distance relationships.
Luazinha>>Well said Sandran! Ha ha!
I didn't, I made mine wait 13 years, ha ha
Sandran712>>I did'nt make mine(Aries)wait 13 years.But, it sure made him mad when he didn't get it when he thought he was going to...LOL
AquaBubbles>>I also wonder why he would start something with you when he knew he was considering relocation, especially since he already knows he has a problem with long distance relationships.
Sandran712>>That was my first point I made.And also a Cancer trait.They are very good at eluding a problem when they can't handle the drama.And him relocating was an easy way for him to escape it.Cancer remain so close to home we all hate to run to the store.We leave a short distance but, come right back.And tho a Cancer do run to past relationships.He was running from this one.He may feed all the line of crap he wants.But, actions speak louder than words,He made a mistake of getting involved as a relationship status.Only to pull out and disappear.What a coward he is..
long distance relationship
Sandran712>>I do believe in long distance.Because my dad was born 10 states away.But, someone has to budge.At this time I could not uproot my son to make me happy.He is in a program for special needs and you cannot find help like this in other states.I have to make sacrifices.Men are selfish..They will turn your world upside down for a one night stand..Leave and desert you.I see no love in that..