Letting go or pleading for forgiveness..Please HELP
cant believe I'm writing this...I thought I was smarter than this. Met a guy and there was no attraction. We spent months playing tennis together and after 6/7 months I became attracted to him. The warning signs were always there...menial job, living with family, no car, license, cell or bike and an ex-con. For some reason I had this hunger to be with this "man-child". Long story short, I moved him in and it was like having another child. I wasn't attracted to him sexually, but...and..the sex was TERRIBLE. He would always threaten to move to FL whenever I wasn't doing what he asked. The threat worked until i moved him in. Afterwards, i couldnt believe what i was doing and felt like it had to be another person going thru this and not "me". He couldnt hold an intelligent conversation and he refused to communicate when we had issues. The excuse was always "I dont want to be the person I used to be". Which basically kept him from being anything. Skipping to the end...one night I mentioned to my friends how he takes daily baths, splashes around in the tub and how i thought it was effeminate. He overhead at after my conversation he said he was leaving. He shed a few tears and of course refused to talk, only said I dont like feeling this way. At the time, all i could think was good you will no longer use "leaving" to keep me in line. This was cruel on part, and I just wanted to apologize. The morning came and when I asked when he was leaving he didnt know. I pushed for him to leave that day and give me an exact time. He found a ride and I helped him pack (all of 10 min). Now, why do i miss this man-child so much? I want him back in my life, but I do not wish to be initimate with him. Help me, I am having a hard time letting go of the emotional part of me he filled.
I was with, and stayed with a man for 10 yrs., who was also in prison, for as he said, petty larceny, and told me he was only in for 18 months, later after it ended, I found out it was 4 years. The realationship turned to him being "controlling" all the time, but I had "blinders" on and didn't want to see this as myself I didn't want to be "alone" and had, by that time NO self esteem and no confidence in myself. I had gained 40lbs, was drinking quite a bit and was very unhappy, though the "sex", and I say, sex, was great, there was No intimacy. My advice to you is to first look inside your self, You need to take control of your own life, as I didn't want to be alone, I had 2 small girls, I felt I couldn't make it on my own, and was in a very bad "place" in my own head and heart, but God says, we Have to Love ourselves first! Take care of "YOU" 1st, he is and always will be a "con-man", let him go, get out while you can, if necessary get counceling, there are many free places to go, God has a special plan for you. Be thankful that he has not "taken" you for everything you have, and if he has, YOU still have your self and your self respect and dignity, these are values and morals, roles may change, values and morals are in you and in your heart. As my grandma would say.."Their's other Fish in the Sea!" Look at your past experiences and see maybe what's keeping you from Moving ON! You deserve better! Hope all goes well for you! I'll say a few prayers!!