Friends finds me alive after decades of absence, what now?

  • After decades of absence my friend found me, alive. Our feelings appear to be the same, sweet anxious and in love. I'm divorced. He's not. What now?

  • You can't play the other woman. This situation will be a waiting game for you I feel. A waiting game, while testing your "skill" at moving on from something you are emotionally attached to, yet again.

    Loyalty is always of utmost importance in a marriage, so he needs to decide what he wants without you influencing him to any large degree. I can't pick up anything on his marital situation, ie, whether he's happy or not, but it strikes me funny that he found you rather than the other way around. So due to this, I can only suggest that you step back and let things run their course. If he's meant to be with you, he will be, in time. But not if you step in and start playing the other woman. You are not a homewrecker and displaying that sort of behaviour would leave a bitter taste in your mouth and get you nowhere in the long run.

    I wish you all the luck. I understand how difficult this will be, but the decision needs to be his ultimately, and to repeat myself, not one made with you influencing it by your actions or input as such. I hope you understand what I'm saying here. I feel your pain and frustration, but you need to still be a "silent friend" in this instance, even having regard to the decades of absence you describe above.

    HOpe this helps some, and as said, GOOD LUCK ya poor bugger :))

  • Thanks for your response. I agree that my situation is difficult. He'd asked to communicate back and we've been doing that lately. We are many miles apart. I'm not indicating anything more but we both acknowledge mutual feelings. I've reminded him about his status and that it's probably not a good idea to begin anything with the two of us. He said his situation could be fixed. If I do not respond to him then I would be giving up on him. As teenagers we both knew that we were attracted to each other but were afraid to acknowledge our feelings. Then we were separate by civil unrest. My family sent me away very far. He said he looked for me until friends thought I disappeared and died.

  • That's good to hear. I certainly don't want to encourage anyone to be an instrument in the breakdown of a marriage or long-term relationship as that is morally and spiritually wrong.

    However in this case, I think if you keep on the way you're going, you will see the result you both want. He has never forgotten you, or got over you. I get the sense that he did tell his current wife about you and she has accepted this, and even might have suspected that one day she could lose him.

    You can't and won't give up on him. The way you are dealing with things is honourable and the right way to go about it; I am getting that quite strongly.

    But still, a waiting game needs to be played. Obviously he does want to "fix" the situation so he can be with you, but that as I said, that decision and action needs to come solely from him.

    I wish you good luck again. This story of yours smacks of movies based on civil war romances, but I feel this one will have quite the happy ending 🙂

  • Thanks Cris for your comment. I agree with you. The ball is on his court. I do realize, too that his situation is extremely difficult and will not fault him which ever way he would go. Before he came back to my life I was resolved in going it alone to my last day because I couldn't fall in love with others even when I tried very hard. Throughout the time I had marriage proposals and turned them all down except for one hoping that I could build a life with someone. I realize it is not that easy and fell out of the marriage. On a second try at relationship with someone I felt the same block and broke the relationship. This reconnection is different. It felt natural as if we've been together all this time. It was just so comforting and loving and secure. Wen we saw each other he said that time turned back and his heart beat so hard and fast when he saw me. We locked in an embrace and he whispered " you're not a ghost." He said he dreamt about me three times asking him to help me. I dreamt about him, too, twice that he was coming, closer and closer but we did not meet in the dream. Before he headed back home he said that our love is for all time. You're probably right it would take a long time but I feel a connection I never felt before, whether he comes to be with me or not, the connection will be there.

    Thank you. Could I be in touch with you for updates as things unfold? I hope you had a great thanksgiving.

  • Well, why not?! Y'know, in a way I'm in a similar situation, but without the decades of absence. I, too, have dreamed of someone for close to 7 years and finally his identity came clear to me this year and it was someone I'd met a couple of years ago. However, things are not going anywhere as I'm the one who's married and like your fella, trying to fix things, so to speak. I don't even know if there will be anything for me with this other man, but I know I have to leave anyway, with or without him in my future. Nothing has been really said between us either, but the dreams persist while he remains physically so close, but so far ... 🙂

    So yeah, let's keep in touch with updates. I felt a very strong "connection" to your thread and on reading it, a whole lot of "cautious" empathy, and I can see why now :))

  • Oh, btw, I'm in Australia so we don't do Thanksgiving! But you have a great T-giving holiday yourself :))

  • What interesting parallels in our lives. My fella's your neighbor-Philippines. I'm in the US. (Imagine our distance) Dreams are messengers of news. Keep your eyes open. And thanks, I'll be looking for you here.

  • Thanks again. Be interesting to see how things pan out for us 🙂

  • Hi Cris, just keeping in touch. I read your thread elsewhere on this forum and feel sorry about your dilemma. I hope the tides will change for you. Take care.

  • Thanks 🙂 I feel like nothing good is ever going to come my way. Or maybe it has and I missed it ... :))

  • Maybe I can fill in some blanks. What's your birthday and your man's birthday? (Say the name of the month, instead of just giving a number)

  • Hi Cap'n!!

    Not sure if your question was for me, but on the offchance it was, my birthday 17 July1962 and (soon to be) ex hubby 6 September 1965. There is another fella on the outer of this situation, his b/'day is 10 March 1978.

    Thanks for offering; have a great day!

  • Well, I did mean Tellstar but I'm happy to read for anyone's birthdays.

    Cris, your ex-hubby is a bit of an enigma, though there is an unusual level of understanding in this relationship and you are generally quite comfortable with each other. Friendship is a better choice than a love affair here, however. Your ex may have been surprisingly willing to open up to you and you were perhaps charmed by his easy manner in the beginning. But the real question was whether the acceptance here was wholehearted or only conditional? Your ex was probably flattered by your interest and did not object to your perhaps aggressive approach, since he was confident of his ability to rejct intrusions at any point. Both of you are highly private individuals, despite your dash and style, and neither of you cries out to be understood. You both often want no more than to be left alone. Love affairs can be intense, but are not particularly sharing or revealing in the long run. For your partner, having sex in no way implies emotional openness. Perhaps you found this attitude highly frustrating as you have a great deal to teach about emotional honesty and empathy. If only he was prepared to listen! Your ex-partner has a strong resistence to being analysed. Your marriage will have benefited from your ability to take charge domestically. However, the ex could have felt his space was being invaded, as he has his own set of ideas about how things should be done, and open conflict can easily emerge here. Both of you are quite capable of living alone and a marriage is more likely to be based on choice rather than emotional neediness. Your partner is more likely to open up to special friends than his lover, which is why friendship with him is a better option than a romance. The union will only work if both parties accept and trust each other enough to reveal deep secrets that they have never discussed with anyone else. You need to give up some of that vaunted control and he needs to share himself more with you.

    You and your other fella:

    A lot of what occurs in this relationship is non-verbal so the overall mood is pretty comfortable. While both of you tend to spend a lot of time alone, emotional understanding runs high and you find it easy to be open with each other. There is a tendency for you to become mutually dependent in a rather independent way, if you get my drift. You two can get to such a deep level of involvement that a lot of your interaction is on a subconscious or even psychic plane. Romantically, neither of you holds back emotionally with each other. Sexual or emotional interactions are prolonged and satisfying. Over the long haul, you two can be very faithful to each other, but the dependency factor can have both good and bad results. Each of you needs to have their own space to retreat to, whether you live together or not. You should come together when you choose to, not because you feel you have to. Sometimes people like you bond so strongly that you can't become involved with anyone else, even if you split up. The relationship should aim to be more open. You both should form meaningful friendships with other people so as not to become too obsessed with each other. Stay objective and justify trust. Beware of letting your feelings for each other dominate your lives. A friendship can be outstanding because the tendency to isolate yourselves is not as strong as in a love affair. You can lead your friend out into the world, encouraging him and furthering his career and social development, while he furnishes the empathy and understanding that you crave.

  • Hi Captain,

    I read your reading on Cris. I'm happy for her that there's light ahead. Could you do mine? My b day is January 2; His is June 6.

    Thanks very much.


  • Tellstar, this relationship is good for love affairs, awful for just friendship. Its strengths are its physical compatibility, its sensuality, and its chance for great fulfillment. Its drawbacks are that it can be rejecting, exasperating, and dictatorial.

    It usually focuses on physical beauty. You both may be extremely attracted to each other, or may share a love of or interest in beautiful places, artwork, crafts, design or music. Your earthiness impacts here, but also your partner's discerning eye, and the union of these qualities produces a relationship at once sensuous and filled with desire. The aesthetic qualities of the relationship usually come before personal matters. Love affairs may be thrilling and fulfilling, particularly sexually. Your partner can be a devoted lover and you will appreciate his ardour.

    However, there is an underlying instability here which may well lend excitement but may not bring permanence to the relationship. The set of emotions this affair unlocks may be like Pandora's Box, in that strong emotions once opened up may not be closed off again. You need to come to terms with each other and not be distracted by externals. Dig deeper spiritually. Try harder to understand and accept each other.

    Marriages are more successful than love affairs. You, Tellstar, are pragmatic in your outlook and your partner can learn a lot about being practical from you. You in turn can learn something about social grace and 'joie de vivre' from your partner. The marriage can both allow for fun and deal with the demands of responsibility. There can be some communciation difficulties between you and your partner. Your partner may feel that you only pretend to understand what he tells you and don't actually get him. If this is true and your partner finds out the truth later on, he will be furious. So tell him straight out at the time if you don't understand him. Leaving it will lead to disagreements and worse. You might become frustrated and even write the relationship off if your partner does not reform his tendency to miss important appointments and be late for everything. Watch the Capricorn tendency to tell others what to do - your partner also has to conquer a rebellious streak, and these things might bring you into conflict with each other. You need to accept him as he is and not hope he will change or come around to your way of thinking, and he must accept that you are doing your best by him. Making peace with each other will be essential for both partners' psychological well-being.

    If you want more details, send me the birth years.

  • Cris, it seems this site doesn't like certain words (even if they are not rude) so my sentence got bleeped. To clarify, the sentence should be - " For your partner, having sexual relations in no way implies emotional openness."

  • HI there Cap'n

    Firstly, sorry to butt in like I did!! I thought your suggestion was more for Tellstar, but really appreciated you doing that analysis for me. You do have my ex spot on. As for me, well I'm not aggressive as a rule, but can be emotionally if pushed. I think we made a mistake in ever getting married really, as our relationship has been more friendship based than anything. You're right where you say that s e x was not emotional fulfilment either. It sure hasn't been for me anyway. Just like there was a big hole or something missing. As to the other guy, well, it's nice to know that. It sounds spot on too, but I have to wait for anything to develop with him, if anything is going to. I don't do affairs regardless of the situation in a marriage, so like I said, will have to wait which is killing me.

    So I just wanted to thank you for doing this for me, and for Tellstar. At least she knows there's light at the end of the tunnel too, and it's given her more of a heads up on what to expect from this man when they do eventually come together.

    Bless you Sir, and have a great day!! (My ex is ex Navy ... hence the "Sir"!!??)

  • Hi Captain,

    Thanks for the great reading. Yes, I see those points you mentioned in both me and him. My b yr is 1949; his is 1951 or 1950. He asked me about my b-day recently. Is he into astrology? I am an artist and art historian. He loves art but his career is somthing else, I guess to make sure he lands a job. But I landed and nice career. I do a lot of art exhibitions. He seems thrilled about it, or is he just telling me. We are also activists and his passion is probably more into the intellectual aspect of it. I want to get things done for what is right. I would work and not debate much. We part at young age because of activism. We both married other people. He thought I was dead. Reconnected recently. He's married still. I'm divorced. Is there an chance of us marrying each other?

  • Hi Captain,

    Could you give me a reading my BDay is March 10 1960 Thank You Mark

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