Dangerous crossroads in life and need some direction
There is so much to list of why and how this is where it it is, but i am spiraling down faster and faster to a place of self hatred, and allowing all those who have and continue to have power over me.this is a dangerous position to be in and never thought i would be back to it again, and here i am...
I tried medications,and they give me nightmares, numbs me while awake,the side effects are horrible on my body.Can anyhow just give me alittle hope that some how i will get through this i can't even read my own cards lately ..i am afraid for what i will do to me..and i am married and have an amazing partner who tries so hard to help me..and i just can't pull myself out this time..and have no clue really how i am going to keep holding on to this thread that's barely there.
You want to have attention. You have learnt in your childhood that attention is more important than love. So you want to be the star.
What you need is resolution: Resolution means totality, commitment, involvement, a quantum leap into something, into something which is not yet clearly known. Taking a risk is resolution. But the mind is a coward. It avoids risks; it seeks security, safety. Resolution is one of the ways to go beyond misery, schizophrenia, self hatred. You hate yourself because of missing resolution.
hanswolfgang, thank you for the confirmation.In no way is this to be taken rudely but i realize i have these issues and attempt to work them out daily for years now its like a bad itch that keeps coming back,,and still feel this way i have been self aware for over 5 years but i dont want to be a star i want to be genuinely seen for what i do and who i am, to make up for the years of being overlooked and taken advantage of,but your right about everything else that's for sure, now if i can find what the missing resolution is..
You see, that´s just that: those years of being overlooked create this dynamics to be a star, to be above all others, so that you can be the center of attention. Mind moves from one extreme to the other, that is its nature. Try to remain in the middle.
Never allow any imposition from the outside, because all impositions from the outside convert you into a slave. And my effort is to give you dignity, glory. My effort here is to give you splendor. but that can come only from within.
makes sense to why i have the hardest time seeing the most important person in my life..who really does do all the things in which i seek with in others.I realize i am overly sensitive in general and especially to outer influences your defiantly right i just don't know how to block it all out..my artwork is now subject to the same thing where it used to be the only thing that helped.. this approval its slowly creeping into a place of safety(my art)and i never questioned it before and now i feel its not worth it either, its like i have two different influences one positive one negative and that negative one wins a lot and i hate it..and i don't like that it makes up and control's a lot of who i am or who i am becoming, or at least i feel that way.
I really appreciate your help and efforts with me sincerely, i dislike coming off as a negative person..I don't like being that way but for the past year my confidence of standing on my own with out the past roots has shattered again..can you tell me or do you feel anything with my mother.. should i just continue with cutting her off and the rest of the family completely?
You should just continue with cutting your mother off and the rest of the family completely.
Love the new and if you can balance your yin and your yang you will make your way. Your mother is no help for that. She still sees you as a child trying to block your independence.
Hi JML, would you mind telling a little bit more about your situation? I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. Is it really attention you want or are we misunderstanding you? What is your sign, Gemini? Maybe you are focusing too much on what is happening in your life that you are forgetting to live your own life. You have a great partner, ask them to help you and what they would have you do. What can you do for them?
thanks Hanswolfgang all efforts are much appreciated,thanks many to you!
scarlattina , I feel like i am being a bit misunderstood, but then again am i'?I just dont know anymore, i do like attention but not in a vain manor, its nice to be seen after so many years of not, and most of my relationships are more of me giving then taking(besides my husband he is great,thankful for that)but i seriously come to the question what the point..i say dangerous crossroads because i have been here before in my early 20s and i just dont like to really mention what that was and i can feel myself slipping back into it and its like i see myself from a distance and can't connect back..i was heavily medicated for the past two years and a few months ago took myself off due to bad side effects and am trying therapy..its helpful but i get stubborn and can self sabotage..and i am very aware of it and work really really hard to try and be a happy person..or at least content, but this past year solidly has been one thing after another..and i just feel done.The only thing that keeps me going at all is my husband..and he attempts to help me so much and i feel utterly guilty that his love should be enough..but i guess the old saying goes you can't love yourself no one else can..and i try really hard to be confident and like who i am but i have been dealing with this for some time now and live in my head too much that i suppose, i just feel like i am waiting for the day until i can have some peace..and what a waste that is.
thanks everyone for the help..
Namaste JML, and Happy Thanksgiving to you!
I looked into this a little, and wanted to let you know that there is a cycle in play in your life, but one that you can and will break through, never to return to it again.
Somewhere along the way you began to feel confined and restricted, and have allowed what could have been a passing phase in your life to turn into a kind of personal imprisonment. You're free. You are not imprisoned, it will take work with a therapist to really begin to dismantle the pieces that remain. They are illusion, but the mind is very powerful, and what we allow ourselves to think does indeed become what we perceive as reality. Your husband has also played a part in this, neither good nor bad; you began to rely on him as the only goodness in your life, as a kind of saviour, when in truth you have always had the means to save yourself.
So you have come to rely on him in deeper and deeper ways, abdicating responsibility for yourself. There is no judgment in this; it just is. It matters not what has come before; what matters is what you turn your beautiful face to now.
Phrases like, I can't, Yes BUT, and I don't deserve... only serve to keep this false sense of your victimization in place. Your potential for all things has been interefered with long enough, don't you agree? : )
Yes, there has been a lack of self confidence, but this is based on your tolerance for your conditions as they are. In a way, your tolerance is a great strength, but it has been applied to the "wrong" thing. (bondage) You don't need rescue; you need your self. And the rest of the world needs you in it, because you have something special you came into this life to share.
Self defeating behaviors can be a form of denial, or manipulation of others. Your character is much stronger, much brighter than that. When you take back the responsibility that you have placed on others and the external world, you will begin to see miraculous improvements along the way. Without judgment, simply look at where you are in life, and let yourself understand at last that you are responsible for where you are. Stress, sorrow, and indecision are the little troublemakers here. You didn't do anything wrong; it came about from not taking action on your own behalf.
You have the capability to pick up the reins of your life and continue growing every day into the beautiful soul that you are. There is nothing real restricting you. But you must see that first.
Don't let a fear of the unknown stop you from growing and stretching and evolving.
Begin by learning how your thoughts make you feel. I think you will begin to notice that your thoughts tell you things about your self and your situation that aren't true. Those thoughts create feelings, which directly impact how you feel and what you decide to do. So if your thoughts aren't helping you, then they are making you feel worse.
I have found, at every stage of life, that keeping a gentle, comforting mantra at hand makes a huge difference in people's lives, my own included.
Here are a few you may like to try any time you feel alone or unsure, or when you feel like your thoughts may be running the show. These are very effective. : )
Calm body (as you breathe in slowly), calm mind (breathe out slowly)
Calm mind, calm body (same)
I AM (breathing in)
Light (breathing out)
Christ's Love (breathing in slowly)
Fills me (breathing out slowly)
Surrounds me (same)
Give these a try. Start today, right now. There is no reason not to do. For if not YOU, then who?
If not NOW, when?
Have a blessed day, JML, and a peaceful celebration. Write back to me if you like, and let me know how you're doing.
Love and light,
Thank you that helped alot!, I really really appreciate your words and insight,i really do want to grow as an a person, but your right i get in my own way i am easily distracted from the larger picture, and get caught in (your right )Stress, sorrow, and indecision (man that sums me up lately just those three words) which leads to i call them my whirlwind thoughts which i can't seem to balance myself out at that point between my body and my mind(i suppose my fitness routine needs to be back again), but i get stuck mentally and it always gets worse when i get closer to a positive goal or something i have been working hard for and i see that , i just want to know if i am gonna ever break these mental limbo situations back and forth back and forth, and yes your right on about my husband i was thinking that before i read this that i allow him to enable me and yes he is like my savior.. instead of my partner which i am most definitely working on..i am digging down deep attempting to pull me out of the dark again,i dont like being here and hate even visiting.The picture i posted is what my spiritual connection is in a good place mentally or a place in my mind nothing can touch(if i dont allow it of course)
Ahliyah I Appreciate your gift and your time in this matter, spiritual community means alot to me,and much love and thanks
Hi JML, you're most welcome. Look past the surface of your situation and focus on the love in your heart. See love in yourself and in others. When you do this, you bring peaceful feelings to yourself, and this quickly and easily spreads to others. Whenever you can, get outdoors, even if only for fifteen minutes. Notice all of nature, how perfect it is. See its beauty and abundance, even with the approach of winter. If you have a yard or even just a patch of ground, hang a simple bird feeder and see which sweethearts come to eat. Look gently at your life, decide one or two of your priorities; see what lights you up and make more time for those activities. The simple changes we make often reveal the greatest joys and allow the greatest shifts. Make choices that honor your priorites. Ask the angels to help you make harmony your guide.
So, you could say that for the time being, your task is P.O.P
Let go of the idea that you are pulling yourself out of the dark. Instead, intend to simply draw in and allow the Light in your life, and in ways you never have before. You're doing well. Keep on.
Love and light,
just want to add this suggestion. I'm not sure if medication is what you need, but then again I just need you to try this for 2 months and see how it goes.
first. clean your environment
use sage incense, lit one or two every day. take it to each room in your house, try to go around each room corner to corner. after all rooms are done, leave it by the door (one at front one at back) or you can leave one at any room you feel like it (not necessary but you can).
second, clean your self from lingering negative energy. use the gems It's quartz crystal, clear. Not pink or any color. Clean them every day, with salt under running water. then let them air dry. when they are dry, blow your breath onto each corner of the gems. this way gems will work for you. when you blow your breath, pour your lingering sadness/worry/despair/anger onto the gems. Energize the gem as often as you can. find a place where the sun light can reach it and leave it there for two hours at least. The sun, like fire, is a great transformer.
third protect yourself at all times. visualize white/blue light around you, hold on to this visualization when communicating with people, whether by phone, email or in person. the light will return negative energy back to sender and allow positive in. this way no more negative energy can attack you, and gives you time to work on the gems to neutralize negative energy that has been lingering around you for some time.
Four, understand the concept of energy. we all live under the same universal law. what we send out will be returned to us. we all make mistakes. what you have to do is look back to the past, make assessment about yourself, be honest about the rights or wrongs you have done to anybody including yourself. learn from them and close the door to the past. make amends when necessary or possible. we all have been wrong before and to certain point, have sent out negativities towards someone no matter how small we thought it was. the more negativities we send out the more we get them back. so we suffer from our own negativities and negativities that others send us (which the universe will send back to them, but nonetheless they do hurt us). some energy can linger for years, depends on the intensity and the frequency it is sent. start to live your life in positivity from now on. refrain from dwelling in the past, anger, sadness, jealousy, wishing bad things happen to someone, despair, regret, revenge etc. revenge belongs to the universe. you don't have to pretend or fake a smile when someone wrongs you, lies, pretentious, denials are negativity. you can however, say, 'you don't need to do this to me' or ignore them and move on. let the universe do what it always does.
Do the sage cleansing, gem cleansing and energizing, visualization, and keeping positive thoughts/words/actions - every day. Within 2 months or even lesser, you will see improvement. By then you can decide which routine you want to keep doing and which one to stop. I would suggest don't stop any, but that is your choice. Also, don't forget to live your life in balance. nurture your physical and psyche. with the physical, you know you can go with balanced diet and routine exercise. do the same with the psyche. the psyche is link to the universe guidance, don't ignore it. you can find free yoga./meditation videos online. or go with your beliefs. read spiritual books that interest you, they are chicken soups for the soul.
do your best and don't go overboard with your budget. crystals you can get on ebay, size doesn't matter, what matters is the routine and the type of crystal. incense should be easy to get.
if you do need to calm yourself from despair or nervousness, try get Bach Flower Rescue remedy. any homeopathy store has it. get the spray one, around $17 lasts 2 months. you can also calm yourself down by saying This Too shall pass, repeatedly until you regain comfort. this also works when you start feeling down and negative energy tries to drain you or someone's action makes you want to send negativity towards them. remember, energy is energy, no matter how big or small, it will be returned to you.
bye now and hope for the best. any question, shoot.
forgot to add
lingering negative energy will block you from anything positive comes your way but will let negative energy hit you. curses (goes by generation or not), bad wishes from someone towards you due to envy/jeaousy etc can definitely linger. you will not realize this, but don't dwell in the past. just open the door to learn from the past, then close it. dwelling in the past will invite past hurts into your life. do your best, that's all the universe asks of you. and don't give up, the future is your own making. choose to live and support life, your life, life of your relationship, your life in the future and your family's life. choose to do only positive because it will support life. base your actions, thoughts and words on love and tolerance. ask and look for help when you need. the universe doesn't sleep, doesn't take vacation. bye now, hope for the best.
Thank you for your words of encouragements and help, i have been working really hard at keeping my light around me especially before i fall asleep.I have been using the tools and feel that keeping my mind and body cleared though nature again has definitely helped.It is working all the advice from everyone together especially when it came to the energies of a family member who is a energy vampire which i had the power to say no more and it was easier this time to block it out and turn the other direction to where it has had such a tight grasp on me for over 4 years.I appreciate your help and send much love and light
A year later after taking the advice from this forum and also combining it with therapy acupuncture and meditation i have now reached this place of peace, thank you so much Ahliyah AND leoscorpion:) the most amazing journey i am experiencing..thank you again
with love and light:)
Try to let people go with forgiveness, Love them from a distance, take care of yourself, Abusers are not allowed to have power over you unless you allow their spirit of control to control you. Forgive walk in the light and love of your husband. Allow yourself to walk in nature looking at the beauty of nature. Best advice for good night sleep is melatonin tabs all natural and a nice hot cup of steaming chamomile. Think of things that are good and thankful read or have someone read to you comforting scriptures like your husband have him anoint your head with oil and your bed post. Those medications that you choose to take I pray that they do their job with no side effects. I ask the roller coaster of emotions to stop and i also ask that damaging images from the past be free from your mind. Only good images and thoughts inter there focusing on the hope of the future and good things only and burying what is in the past for good.
I just saw this today and am glad to hear you're doing well. If you see this and find a moment, why not leave a little update on your progress.
Love and blessings,
thank you sincerely honeykat, i sincerely value your opinion and love and give thanks to you and all of those who are here to help those in need.You are amazing! As for medications i do not take them anymore i have been off of the meds for almost two years this summer due to what you mentioned on your post of the horrible side affects, and plus i never should of been on them in the first place..i just needed good old fashioned talking it out support and love of myself, and then life just seemed to click into place after i realized i am in control of my life completely:)
thank you for your advice, support and most importantly love..this world needs the light and love to continue to shift.
thank you again!
Since i last posted..life has been very surreal, and i am loving it.Its been a time of healing, learning, and loving myself, and therefore i can continue to help others through my work,and life..with the tools of the higher self which prompts me on a daily basis once i realized that is what it was, and that i am not crazy:) I had a feeling my whole life since i was a child that i was waiting for something grand,but nothing that pertained to a job, or material things..and last June i turned 30 and it was like someone touched me and i awoke from a fog of sadness,selfishness and things started to come to me that i started to recall and though how did i ever forget that? and i realized this is what i was waiting for because since then it has become so much more then not feeling sad, i finally realized all of the things i seen growing up, felt and never talked about were real...and are only getting more and more evident as i continue this journey of love and light through self and service to humanity.I have work to do here as all of us do, and this life and incarnation is very important to the overall picture,and the shift that is occurring..i am amazed daily with the changes in myself and especially my environment and interaction with others, life is truly amazing and i am ever so thankful to be apart of it at every moment, especially in the now!
thank you for your love and support i am truly thankful for it and send you love
thank you again
Love and light