G/f vs wife need advice please
I met my boyfriend almost a year ago. We practicly moved in together when we met even though he was married. They filed for seperation soon after we met but there was always the possability of them getting back together for their kids sake. Two young girls (four and six). I tried not to get in the way of that but he never went back no matter how much he talked about it. He stayed and i stayed even though for the first six months he would tell me how he missed his family, how he regretted not being with them. He was so flakey. Sometimes he would lay in bed and cry about it. Then he would go to the movies with the wife and kids, take their dogs to a dog park, and then he started meeting them at the park every week. I have never been married but i just dont think thats the kind of stuff you do with your wife when you are trying to get a divorce and you have a serious girlfriend. He has his kids this weekend for Halloween but instead of us taking the girls out he wants to go with his wife. This makes me uneasy, a little upset. Their relationship is always so flakey, just last weekend she was sending him text messages in the middle of the night telling him that he should have never left her. We will have been together for a year next month. Do i have a right to be upset that he wants to go trick or treating with his wife? Is it normal to do that? I am so confused, please help!
Karen0497 last edited by
I am a wife of 21 yrs who found out recently that my husband was having affairs with other women all these time........it broke my heart. Asked for divorce but he refused and has promised to change and be a good husband and father.
So think of wifes like me who go through so much pain because of other women who come into their lives knowing the man is married with Kids....
I have learnt that men cannot be trusted when they say they love you......they will say the same thing to another woman and may or may not mean it.............I am not saying women don't do it.
If this man can't let his wife and family go, then you let go. If he really loves you he should make up his mind what he wants..........and also do think of the poor wife's feelings. Thank you.
cap1962 last edited by
I HATE TO BE THE ONE TO SAY THIS TO YOU BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO HURT YOU BUT I THINK THAT HIS WIFE AND HIM WILL GET BACK TOGETHER EVENTUALLY. THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF WHY PEOPLE STAY TOGETHER BECAUSE OF THEIR KIDS.
Ya it is scary. We never had an affair by the way. His wife wasn't living with him when we met. She knew about me since the beginning just to make that clear. You are right though he does need to make up his mind. They have been going through this divorce this whole year and it is taking forever! He tries to talk about marriage and children with me but hello, he is still married!
People say love is blind. Well i am not blind, i think i am just retarded. I know what is going on and i won't let myself out of the situation. I have tried leaving many times because i know that things aren't done yet with his wife because they are still married. The whole situation is so aggravating. Thanks for the advice
taurusmom last edited by
I hesitated to post here about this. But my husband of 21 years has had a few "emotional" affairs, the latest just a few months ago. I have little or no respect for women who knowingly get into a relationship with a married man. Why on earth would you commit yourself to someone who is already in a committed relationship? And why would you think he will be faithful to you once he does leave his family (If he ever decides to leave?)
Get some backbone and kick him out. He'll never commit to you or his wife while he is able to "have his cake and eat it too."
The thing is they are getting a divorce. The divorce supposedly will be finalized on november 7. This isn't some minor "emotional" relationship i believe. Maybe you are all right though and i am in denial. Thanks for all the uplifting advice.
Dalia last edited by
Hi, I would get ahold of the wife in a non-threatening way. You all probably know each other. I would tell her that he has shown signs (examples) of wanting the family back. Then I would let the chips fall where they may. I think she needs to know. I think it's good that he still shows interest in the family. It shows he wants to do the right thing by them. He is going to miss out on a lot of his kids growing up. Don't know what the issues are w/the wife. Are you in love w/him or caught in a drama.
MoonTarot last edited by
Why do people think that just b/c parents are divorced, that one parent won't be involved in the kids' lives? I was 7 when my parents divorced. My dad, although I hate him for cheating on my mom, has been the biggest influence on my life. He motivated me to go to college and graduate school and has always helped out - at least in my adult life - when I've needed him.
My ex BF still has guilt about his divorce over 10 years ago. He has 2 kids that adore him to death. Yes, he only sees them about once a month b/c they live a few hours away but they call him all of the time. He calls them. They come to visit. He goes there to visit. He and his ex-wife are friendly. He's friendly with her new husband.
The whole staying in a bad relationship b/c of the kids is BOGUS. It's an excuse. If you are in a bad relationship, get out. It doesn't help anyone.
miche53083 last edited by
Girl, get rid of this crybaby and go find yourself a real man who only wants to date you. Preferably one who is completely single and not hung-up on his ex-wife. It amazes me why people put themselves through this kind of emotional turmoil. Trust me honey, there are plenty of men out there who are more than willing and ready to have a relationship with you and only you!! Why would you allow yourself to play second fiddle to anyone, much less his ex-wife? You deserve better than that and you know it! He's probably feeding her the same BS he's feeding you, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but she has the advantange of already having a family with him and will use that against you whenever she can. You need to just ignore her, don't respond if she text messages you, take the high road. I promise, the more you become involved in their drama, the more complicated and tangled your situation will become (plus, most men love the idea of two women fighting over him).
My advice... get out while you can and go find yourself an available man (they're out there I promise!)
LovinLibra last edited by
You have to understand that he will be connected with her for life. They have 2 kids together and no matter what the kids come first in his life. You should sit him down and let him know how you feel. If he thinks that there might be a chance that he might get back with his wife he has to tell you now. That way you can decide if you want to stay or leave that choice is yours and yours alone to make. It's hard to sit on the back burner while the ex wife and kids come first. I know I did that for 16 years out of our 18 years together. I've waited patiently for it to be my turn.
SweetRavenNCincy last edited by
If she is sending him text messages in the middle of the night with content like that...well, he's doing more than visiting his kids when he goes over there. He's probably being intimate with her while he's there. That's why the current trend in his actions. I think you should prepare yourself for him to reconcile with her. I MAY be wrong, but I don't think so. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. So don't be caught unaware, or without a place to live.
This type of a situation is why NO ONE should get involved with someone who has unresolved relationship issues. Let them finish their business at home first. A third person in the mix only confuses the issues, and makes any resolution drag out even longer.
joy43 last edited by
This reminds me of something similar that happened with one of my friends. What happened with her was that, she met this guy (who was married) but he wasn't with that woman, like supposedly he couldn't stand his wife, and was doing the whole separation thing, but in the middle he has two girls also. The wife manipulated him a bit with the two little girls and eventually he kept going back to her. He eventually went back to his wife with his two daughters, and now got his wife pregnant again with another child. My advice to you is, do not waste your time with this one, he obviously does not know what he wants, and he will keep giving you false hopes and eventually he will get back with his wife, because of the emotional attachment of the "family" Find someone else. You will find your whole life debating and stretching back and forth with him and his wife, because no matter what his kids will alway be a problem since it will always have a connection with the wife. Don't wait for him to start sleeping with his wife behind your back and eventually him getting back with her. Find someone else, don't waste your time.
Thank you everyone. Your advice is much appreciated and good honestly. I love him but we have a lot of trust issues on both of our parts. I have become so involved in this relationship i have given up everything that is important to me. It is scary. My family is reluctant to speak with me, "as soon as your ready to give him up we will be here." It makes me so sad how everything is going. since the day i met him i have had this strong connection to him and i can usually feel what he is feeling and it usually isn't good. It is a hell of a roller coaster. When everything is good, its perfect but when things are bad it is like hell. Things have gotten so out of hand that i have quit my job and moved 70 miles from home which isn't that far but i don't drive so it is really far. Plus i am living in the country about ten miles from "town" which consists primarily of a wal-mart. At times i feel trapped with my feelings because no matter what drama goes on i stay. My jealousy is becoming out of control.
I have found myself looking through his phone and emails the last two months. It has become close to an addiction. I hate it! I hate it the most because i always find something i didn't want to find. For example, very explicit and graphic text messages to other women (supposedly not by him), sexual emails, and more. About a month ago we got into a fight because he was still talking and texting this girl who he had had sex with right before we met. She use to call him at all hours of the night and even dare him to come see her when i was there and he considered it. I left and went home for a while. I told him that it was over but we knew that there were still unresolved issues and we ended the phone conversation with i love you. This meant that we were really just trying to resolve issues....anyways long story short he posted a personal add on craigslist during this fight. I was only gone 6 days.
I did say it was over to him but we were still talking about how we were going to work things out. This really hurt me to find out that he was so desperate to be with another woman that he would post adds on craigslist. He is constantly looking at porn and reading these group sex stories online. It is very upsetting and i don't know if i am just being insecure or if he is taking complete advantage of me.
I sit alone all day from 2 pm to 1 am while he is at work. My cell phone has been off for a month now and even though i have a home phone i cant call long distance. This town is so small that pretty much anyone is long distance! I feel like i am in a prison sometimes. I have lost most of my friends because they all think i am being stupid and ruining my life *they are tired of hearing about all the drama and heartache from me. I don't blame them but life seems so lonely now.
I forgot to mention that his wife refuses to talk to me. She doesn't want to be adults about everything that is going on. It is crucial for us to get along but she doesn't understand that. The girls often ask me if i could go with them to their house to play with them or whatever but it is definitely impossible. It is difficult with the girls too because when they come to visit their dad sleeps a lot. If he isn't sleeping he is sitting in his chair watching football all day and rarely interacts with them. That leaves me spending all the time with them. It is hard because i am trying to be their friend and not their mother. I don't want them to be confused but since i have to take care of them it is confusing for them.
They see how i cater to their dad and expect me to obey their every command. And i do mean COMMAND. I have my hands full when they are here because we also have two dogs and a cat. Messes everywhere and no help from their dad. Then they want me to do all these activities with them. I will arrange a time for us to when i am not cooking or trying to pick up a disaster of a mess so they go to him. They pout and tell him that they would be so happy if they could
. Usually they want to do things that require adult supervision so he says "i bet michelle would do it with you." then right infront of them says "wont you do it." When i tell him that we have already planned when we are going to do it he throws a fit and the girls can tell. Sometimes the girls will ask "do you really want to paint or did my dad make you paint with us?" I have talked to him about these issues but he ignores me. The girls like to say that because they are with their daddy that they can do whatever they want. They are disrespectful to all adults except their father and he thinks that it is funny and cute.
It is just hard for me because i am put in this nanny role that is confusing. It is hard to not cross the boundaries of acting like a parent and just helping out with the kids. I don't even really know where the boundary begins and ends either.
Then last visit the younger of the two was sitting with me and said that she wished that i would trade places with her mom...meaning that i would not be with her dad anymore. Then she called L over and said that she didn't want me to be his girlfriend. "i want you to be with mommy." "ok well i will talk to mommy then" That's what he said. WTF is that? Then she said, "I don't want you to get married to Michelle because she is a little girl." She calls me a little girl because he tells them that sometimes because i am short, and also because the wife says that because i am younger than her. I have explained to them that i am an adult but he never backs me up on that. He didn't say anything except that he was going to talk to mommy about it. I feel so bad for these girls. The situation is so messed up. They are confused and hurt and i hate to see it. This is the same girl that told me that she wanted two mommy's and that she wanted me to be one. I have told them always that i am not trying to be their mommy because they already have one. I say that i just want to be their friend.
Isn't the whole situation screwed!!!!
SweetRavenNCincy last edited by
Michelle, sweetie, this guy has never grown up! Dump him fast! If everyone who is important to you in your life is telling you to get out...LISTEN!!!. They can't all be wrong. This guy is a male sociopath that has NO RESPECT for YOU, his WIFE, or any other woman he becomes involved with. He definitely doesn' t love you, or he wouldn't show such disregard for you or your feelings.
He is using you as an ego crutch until he decides what he wants to be when he grows up...devoted father? devoted husband? lover? boyyfriend? And he's keeping you out in the "boonies" without transportation so you can't physcially check up on him and bust him.
The fact that you have already caught him engaging in inappropriate behavior should be enough to convince you. And I guarantee you that this guy has unresolved relationship issues with his mother. Guys that repeatedly disrespect and emotionally abuse the women in their lives always do. Whatever is going on with him, you can't fix. He needs professional help, and he'll never see the need to seek it if women like you and his wife enable his behavior by making excuses for him. I can see why his wife does, as he is her children's father, But WHY are you putting up with this abuse?
Go get your life back! And for the sake of those other unsuspecting women out there on Craig's List; post his names, phone numbers, and email addresses that he's using to contact women there....warn them that he is a chronic cheater and liar, that he's married, and to run for the hills if he contacts them. Don't do it for you...do it for them. As he most assuredly will try to find someone else to use as a crutch after you leave him. Better yet, call the "Cheaters" tv show, and have them help you expose him for what he is. Then you'll have the proof you need, and he can't claim it's just sour grapes on your part.
Personally, I think his wife is crazy for wanting him back. She should dump him and go find herself an honorable man to be a good example for her children.
The only reason that I can see why you stay with this guy, is that you don't think you deserve better...and you seem like a nice caring person who does deserve better.
I've had a couple of these sociopathic guys in my life in the past. My motto used to be, "When in doubt, check it out.". And I always caught them....much to their dismay.
Now, experience has taught me that, if you feel you need to check, your relationship is already in trouble. You should be able to trust your significant other implicitly...without doubts or reservations. If you don't trust them implicitly, then you shouldn't be there. Without TRUST a relationship is doomed, and will make you crazy. The bad feelings and misery you are feelig right now tell you that this is true.
Run, girl, run! And don't ever speak to him again or look back. A wonderful guy that will love and respect you is out there somewhere, and you can't find him while you're with this cheating jackass! Believe me, life is way too short to be dealing with this mess.
Wisdom, Blessings, and Happiness to you...
miche53083 last edited by
Wow! Congratulations, It sounds like you have found yourself a real winner there! This man is a real selfish a**hole and reading your story really pissed me off and made me want to march over there and punch him in the face!!
But then again, why would he change his ways or act any differently when clearly he knows that you will put up with it?? It's simple human nature to test and see how much they can get away with, and the only reason he treats you like that is because you have allowed it. There have been no consequences for his behavior so he knows he can do whatever he wants and you won't leave him.
So what's his incentive to change? It's abundantly clear that he does not give a damn about your feelings (or anyone else's for that matter), so obviously this is not a moral dilemma for him and will not magically disappear one day because he realizes the error of his ways! The only way this situation is EVER going to change is if you put your foot down and demand that it change or else you will leave him... AND ACTUALLY MEAN IT! (If I were you, I wouldn't even waste my time with the ultimatum, I would get the hell out of there ASAP before you invest any more of yourself into this hot mess!)
How would you feel if you had a daughter and her boyfriend/husband treated her like what's his name treats you? Look at your situation from the perspective of an outsider looking in. I can give you advice until I'm blue in the face, but the fact of the matter is that it's not up to anyone else to make you happy, and if you don't like you're situation then CHANGE IT!!!
Here's some tough love: He's just not that into you! Either that or he's into himself way more. If he was he wouldn't treat you like that because he wouldn't even be able to think about being with anyone else but you. You have made all the sacrifices in the relationship and he hasn't had to give up anything for it, so basically he doesn't value it because you have made it too easy for him. I mean you moved almost 100 miles away from home to be with him, you've estranged your family and friends and you've basically given up your entire life outside of the relationship. What has he done? Not a damn thing except for make you miserable by putting you through this emotional roller coaster ride.
Think about this: You only live once. Time is limited and you can't have it back once it's gone. How much of this precious time do you want to spend being miserable in a dead-end relationship with a selfish jerk who will never put your needs over his own? Why put yourself through heartache when you could be out looking for your soulmate?