I have been struggling terribly today and feel incredibly overwhelmed and grieved. I have tried since I awoke just before 5am to either figure it out or get past it but I can't. In fact, its getting worse. I meditated, took a walk, prayed, everything...now I'm in tears and almost panicked to hysteria.
All I know is that it is almost surely the turmoil in my relationship that has now pushed me beyond the breaking point. I'm half out of my head over him:( but, as usual, I can't decipher if its him or me that's hysterical. In case anyone needs to know, he's a Taurus, I'm a Virgo.
I'm posting this for two reasons. First and foremost, I do not want any of the wonderful people I care so much for here to think I've just turned tail and run since I'm barely participating today and I'm so sorry for that. Second, if any or ALL of you can see anything for me, I would like to know. I'm really exhausted from this and feel like I'm either losing my mind or going to collapse.
You are ALL in my thoughts and prayers every moment, even if I can barely think. I send you my love, light, gratitude and blessings always
Oh bab I am so sorry for your pain. Let me try to see if I can sense anything for you. Is there anyway you can get away from him for a couple days to see if that helps you?
Thank you sweetheart...I you are SO kind and sweet I can't express my gratitude to have met you.
I have been away from him...for 3 weeks. We had an argument over something incredibly stupid and I haven't seen him since. he texted me about a week ago and things got even worse. He's been putting things in his status message that are clearly meant for me, but I haven't responded. I am beyond getting in control of this now...it has just overwhelmed me.
You have my love and thanks, you wonderful woman.
Then you are definetly picking up his discomfort. Being an empath isn't always easy hon. Blessings to you too my friend and you are wonderful and sweet!
hisbablove I don't want you to think I am dense but is there a reason that you can't call him and tell him that you feel that there is something going on with him? Maybe more than the arguement you two had. Does he know you are a sensitive? If he does then he should know he can't keep anything from you cause if he is in pain then so are you. May be this could be an opening to turn this around. And I am sorry you hurt this bad. Taurus don't all ways tell you everything I am still married to one for financial reasons. But the can be very secretive. Wish I had more for you. Hang with us cause it may help you to keep your mind busy. Much love and peace
I am still searching for clarity in seeing if it is him or my own grief in loving and missing him...and being so afraid that he'll never come back.
Thank you again for your love and support. It is invaluable to me. You're caring has giving me a lifeline as I drown in this abyss.
Love and Light my dear soapmaker.
This post is deleted!
Libraslair, bless you for caring...you are as far from dense as can be. You are a smart, practical, caring woman for whom I have a lot of respect.
If it helps, the following is a LONG(SORRY) excerpt from a previous post explaining the situation.
First, I have to say that in every other aspect, he treats me like a queen. He was the only person who stood by me when a stalker was literally trying to kill me, and we had just barely met when it started. He risked his own family and safety to do that when he had only known me for two months.
Also, had a cavalier attitude towards relationships and never even been in love before we met yet, telling me how he had recognized me from dreaming of me his entire life, he quickly and openly shared his heart and soul with me. I have never had a single moment's doubt as to his fidelity to me and he always let m know where he was and what he was doing without my ever asking.
But, he lost people very close to him as a small child and has always struggled with abandonment fears. The combination of his abandonment issues and his never having experienced love, let alone anything as intense as the soul mate thing, has made him proactive in destroying our relationship. So many people have let him down, or just died(as was the case with those losses when he was a small boy) that he expects me to,as well. Being that he expects me to, any little argument turns into"I knew you would do this, another lesson in my life, etc..."
We fought because I had a work appointment near his house in which others were running late and he sent me a few texts being sarcastic and/or negative about why they were lat, to which I repeatedly replied that I had no choice but to wait for them and if he had any other productive ideas or comments, I was receptive to hearing them.
After a 2 hour delay, they arrived and the meeting was over in 10 minutes,which astounded him and triggered his "aha, you want to hurt/upset me" mechanism, causing him to come to the brilliant conclusion that I had somehow done something with how I was relaying the information about how this appointment was progressing to upset him so he could get mad, say or do something wrong, and I would have an excuse to leave him. Needless to say, I was cross eyed with frustration by then.
Still, we had planned to spend the rest of the day together and I was willing to talk about it calmly and move on.
Remember, I was 2 blocks from his house(which is a 20 minute drive from mine)
Instead of meeting me as we planned earlier, or even calling me to talk, he sent me a text. It said "drive safe." I was shocked. Then hurt, then offended, then infuriated.....you get the picture.
He texted me the rest of the afternoon and into the evening, A lot more of the"how could you do" stuff he pulls out of thin air when he acts like an irrational, scared child. I continuously responded with reason and logic, which tends to make him grasp at more straws because he just hasn't gotten to the point where he can look at what and why he's sabotaging himself, his relationships,and US.
Its not him, its everyone else. Especially me. Because he loves and needs me most and like his parent, his beloved aunt, etc who died when he was a boy, something is going to take me away too. Subconsciously, he IS that something.
In the past, knowing this,and loving him too much to ever be able to describe, I have always been the one to put pride and hurt aside. I have always gone to him and made things right. In talking to him, he sees his mistakes, apologizes with his whole heart, and sincerely, deeply regrets what has passed.
And he is so grateful that I love him this much, never to abandon him, never to give up on him. This is the vicious cycle we are now in. The more he loves me, the more scared he gets, the more he feels inadequate. Its "too good to be true" so he seeks some reassurance.
The first 2 years we didn't have this problem. It was only after our first big fight, when he KNEW in the first instant he was very wrong and I forgave him despite his being sure I wouldn't. It stunned him and he felt, for the first time that I was completely committed.
And that has become the heartbreaking. If I show any displeasure.... Or if we have any disagreement "aha, you don't WANT to love me so you're picking a fight so you can feel justified leaving me. Then, when I go running back to fix things, "aha, you DO love me. You ARE committed, everything is going to be ok...."
Really, I feel like I should BE committed....in an institution.
The problem is in his scared, broken soul, if he admits his wrongs, then he isn't deserving of love,or at least I won't want him.
He is the love of my life and I KNOW he is my soul mate. I also know that soul mate doesn't automatically mean forever.
Still, I suffer more with every second we are apart. There is no describing aching, hollow, agony that I live with everyday. I NEED a resolution,or just to know one way or the other if he IS coming back or I should just give up.
I'm sorry for dragging you along, my friends...don't feel like you have to bother with me.
Thank you both so much. I was feeling so cut off and alone.
Light and love and many many hugs from my heart.
libraslair, oh my goodness...thank you for your generosity! I will try to get my hands on my birth certificate so I can the time I landed here this time around.
You unspeakable kindness has left me speechless(to the collective relief of all here:))
Boy you talk about sabotaging your own relationship because your insecure! He really could use some counseling if he would try it. Boy it's really all about him isn't it. I am sorry but you have choices too. You can choose to let this drain you or do something to block it. I personally couldn't take all of that and function. And you realize this is poison to your system? Oh please don't let this continue. You will get sick. The stress breaks down your immune system. Try to put the light between the two of you before it does more to you.
it sounds like there are lot of negative energies going around back and forth between you and him. you need to protect yourself and cleanse it off you regularly. meditation and yoga is good, but it won't protect you from negative energy. energy is an air form. you breathe in and out, and so does he. even if you are communicating by phone or email, it can still hit and drain you.
I wrote ona thread about protecting yourself and cleanse yourself
try to read it through, for the info is sporadic
very very important to refrain from sending negative energy. revenge, anger, sadness, worry, jealousy, disbelief etc the universe returns what we send out. even if you send it out by revenge, the universe will return it to you. so you will suffer twice, from his negativity and your own. we all make mistakes. it's time to change and let's start from yourself. let him send what he sends, the universe will deal with him. you can start ptotecting yourself and cleanse the lingering energy off you. I can tell it lingers because you are exhausted and panicking, you have done spiritual exrcises and yet you are still stuck. something blocks you from benefiting from these exercises and that's what lingering negative energy does, for you haven't protected and cleanse yourself off them. there is a step by step action you can take in the thread page 2 I think.
like I said, spiritual exercise is good to nurture your psyche, but you also have to learn how to protect yourself from people and things that drain your life force. much like you nurture the physical, you may have been on balanced diet and routine exercise, but you also have to take precautions against certain viruses and maintain cleanliness and hygiene.
if you are an empath, protecting and cleansing is even more important. for you are more sensitive to emotions, which can be negative or positive. learn to ground yourself, there is a thread about empath here, they will tell you how to do that. I am not empath and all I am sharing is what the universe has shared me through mentors, guide and power animals all my life. life is about learning and moving forward. it's not about changing what others do and say to you, but it's about dealing with them. for the universe deals with us individually and will not miss a single thing that we have sent out. after you read the thread, ask if you have questions. then tune in to your psyche, it will tell you what to do.
Bab he needs counseling not you. He needs to put the piecses of his heart back together. You are picking up by air waves and spirituality his discomfort not yours hon. Is there anyway he could talk to a psychotherapist that deals with loss and abandonment? It could help he see where and how to heal.
Brightest Blessings sweetheart. Light and love to you
hisbablove you're in my thoughts, I hope you find the clarity and comfort you're looking for.
Soap, I know he does and I know he wont get to it if I just "fix" things. That's why I haven't responded to all the veiled pleading in his status messages. I know I have to let him face his own demons. I just wish I knew if he would or not. He is open to talking to someone and readily agreed with me when I shared these things with him before that dumb fight. He just doesn't have anyone to guide him through it. And I'm too mired in my feelings to wade through it. I hate to ask, but can you see anything on your end?
Libraslair, thank you for being such a good friend and coming to my defense. I am constantly doing everything I can to settle down. I have to be fair though...it is only when I show displeasure and he gets scared that we have issues. In all other aspects of his life, he always put me first...to the point that I have to stop him from dropping everything and running amok trying to take care of me. I often don't mention needing to run out and get or do something so he doesn't try and do it for me. He never even went to the store without calling me and asking what I needed,even though I never said I needed anything.
ineedtomeditate- thank you for the kind thoughts. You will be in mine also, I am not so selfish that I would concentrate on myself and forget others.
leoscopio-Thank you for the information. I will continue to work on my energies and try the things you mentioned.
Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond. You know what it means to me and how incredibly grateful I am.
Love and Light to each of you kind and precious souls.
if you feel what I wrote makes sense, try to make him do the same
there are two in a relationship, if one is lost, the relationship won't survive
positivity supports life. your life, life of your relationship, healing of any kind including relationship.
I can feel that he loves you, but he seems to also be blocked somehow that he doesn't know what to do sometimes
this is another possibility of negative energy lingering
we all make mistakes, maybe in the past, we send out negative energy to others
there is no way of telling that you or he never harbours anger/sadness/jealousy to anyone even if they are just strangers happen to step on your toes
but what's in the past has to stay in the past
dwelling in the past is negative action. learn, close the door and move forward. make ammends when necessary. and then live your life in the truth, in balance and positivity
the future is our own making. how we deal with things, is what determines the outcome.
the universe sends us knowledge and wisdom through helpful people and spirits
I hope you will make the right decision for your own sake and his.
take care now I'm going off for my ritual.
Bab I agree with Leo. She has a good point. If this is causing you to be ill, That is not good hon. Relationships can be hard, but should not be to the point of illness. At the risk of sounding harsh, I would shut that door until he gets himself taken care of. I have the best intentions saying this. I want for you to feel good again, but it will not happen until he gets help.
Hang in there hon. I'm thinking of you, feeling really out of sorts myself today. It will pass.
My dear bablove
I'm getting this: "boo hoo". Like he's crying to his mummy about those bad fings you thed to him. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to disparage him, but honestly, it sounds like he's behaving a bit immaturely here and wanting to hurt you back which is what you're picking up on I think. But the argument you had revealed something to him that he thought no-one knew about; some trait in him that he works hard at keeping under wraps. And your words exposed it. Now he's got to deal with it and he is blaming you for "making" him do this. I did see somewhere a comment from LibrasLair about contacting him. Please do this. Talk to this fellow. He really is hurting, but he needs to see that the hurt is because of his own reaction, not what you said to him as such.
Ask the angels to put a cocoon of protective light around you and carry a clear quartz crystal with you to keep away negative energy. I'm not saying he's engaging in an all out psychic attack on you, but rather he's feeling very hurt and exposed and wanting to lash out.
You're hurt too, so he needs to know this. So please, take Libra's advice and talk to him as soon as you can. One of you needs to be big enough to make the first move, so why not let it be you? You both need to talk it out, cry it out and say very sincere sorry's to each other, then move on from this. And learn from it. He needs to see that he's not inadequate or a bad person because of being exposed like this, and also that he can't lash out at you without some consequences. You're not a whipping post.
So please, sit down and talk to him. Hash it out. Get it out and move on, like I said. Neither of you deserve to sit and fester like this; there's too much love between you for something petty to overtake.
G'orn ... off ya go ... pick up the phone ...
And take care of yourself. Being so sensitive to others can be a real curse, can't it? But it's that sensitivity that'll sort out this rift between you. And he'll thank you for it.
GOOD LUCK and blessings to both of you. xoxoxoxoxoox HOPE THIS HELPS TOO BY THE WAY!
Thank you thank you thank you...with all my heart THANK YOU! You all took time out to help me, you so generously gave of your time and gifts. I can never express my gratitude or adequately repay you.
wenchie, I'm sorry,sweets...what's going on? Let me try to help you if I can. You KNOW I care very deeply and will always be here for you. In the meantime, I'm sending you light, peace, and much love.
Leoscorpion, I am working on the things you directed me to and will reread all of your insights. Thank you for always being there for everyone. Bless you!
Cris, my dear...I have been praying for you and thinking of you constantly. I didn't want to bother you, but have thought of you often. Your reading has thrown me for a loop:) All this time I thought that being the one to reach out would be the wrong thing to do if I wanted to get him to face things himself. But maybe I'm wrong...well now. Am I subconsciously holding his feet to the fire hoping the burn will cause him to run for help? If I stop and save him (again)and us,will he ever get it?
Soapmaker, I passed your link around far and wide. I know something will turn up. Thank you for your constant support and encouragement. You ARE right that it making me ill is very bad. I've been trying to discern if its him or me. I know I can very clearly feel his agony and desperation....almost as if he is pleading and begging with me and it hurts terribly. The rest is probably mine. I can't bear to see ANYONE or anything suffer and the guilt i feel for leaving him to his own devices while I pray for wisdom and for him to care enough to finally accept that he needs to overcome these fears is torture. I feel responsible for his pain,though I know HE is, but its because I feel his terror and need so strongly.
I will reread all your messages and try to get steady so I can work with what is before me.
I send you all my love, light, and gratitude.
bab we can lead you to water but we can't make you drink.Peace and harmony