Lost in love and so very confused? Needing advice.
THANK YOU CAP1962!!! IT'S SO DIFFICULT TO BE IN THIS TYPE OF SITUATION..AND I HAVE BEEN ON BOTH SIDES OF THE FENCE ON THIS....MY HUSBAND CHEATED ON ME ONLY AFTER ONE YEAR OF MARRIAGE..SO I DO KNOW HOW THAT OTHER SIDE FEELS, BUT THIS IS ENTIRELY DIFFERENT....IT WASN'T A ONE NIGHT STAND OR A FLING...THERE IS A REAL RELATIONSHIP GOING ON BETWEEN ME AND THIS GUY...I NEVER EVEN GAVE IT ANOTHER THOUGHT THAT IT WOULD LEAD INTO WHAT IT HAS, I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM BECAUSE I NEVER SET OUT TO DO SO....I HAD A GUARD UP AROUND MY HEART FOR A LONG TIME BECAUSE I WAS TIRED OF BEING HURT SO HORRIBLY...AND HE MANAGED TO KNOCK IT DOWN AND I LET HIM INTO MY SOUL....NOW THINGS ARE JUST COMPLICATED. I AM LOOKING FOR ANSWERS FROM HIM THAT I KNOW I MAY NEVER GET...I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO GO ABOUT TALKING TO HIM ABOUT HOW I AM FEELING ABOUT THE WAY THINGS ARE RIGHT NOW AT THE MOMENT. THINGS ARE PRETTY QUIET WITH US RIGHT NOW AND HE APPOLOGIZED FOR THINGS HAVING TO BE LIKE THEY ARE RIGHT NOW...I KNOW I PROBABLY DRIVE HIM CRAZY....LOL...
MOST OF THE TIME IM PRETTY DEPRESSED BECAUSE I LOVE HIM SO AND I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN...CAN I ASK YOU? HOW HAVE YOU MANAGED FOR 4 YEARS??? WE ARE GOING ON A YEAR AND 7 MONTHS AND I AM ALREADY GOING CRAZY...AND FROM WHAT HE TELLS ME HES LEAVING HIS MARRIAGE IN TWO YEARS...I KNOW ITS WORTH HOLDING ON....
Sccs - Great comment!!! I am a child of divorce. I was 7 when my mom left my dad b/c he cheated. I have so much more respect for my mom for leaving. My ex BF claims that his little new GF won't leave her husband b/c of their teenaged kids. Teenagers are much more aware than 7 year olds. It is MUCH worse to be a child living with parents who are exuding negative energy rather than love. It is a HORRIBLE example for children.
The concept of fate is just an excuse for your actions. We were all given FREE WILL on this earth. We choose our actions. They are not chosen for us.
Because I believe in Karma, I would never wish anyone else the hurt that it causes when your partner cheats on you. It is the ultimate betrayal. The secrets and the lies. They all come back to bite you.
Gosh Moon Tarot, I didn't mean to post something on here to upset anyone or create NEGATIVE energy.....I am a good person, a good hearted person.....Things happen to people and in our lives that we don't go out seeking...They just happen.....and I just happen to fall in love with a married man...Am I sorry for that??? No I am not. Should I hate myself and give myself a low self esteem because of it??? I believe in Karma as well, but things happen!!!
Yes cheating is the ultimate betrayal, it happens in life just like anything else...Some people set out to purposefully cheat, I on the other hand did not......
I only posted my story on here for advice on how to go about talking and sorting things out with this guy and where we were going to go from here...I am sorry if I offended anyone
First and foremost, regardless of the situation between you and the myspace guy, if you know for 100% sure that you don't want to be with your husband anymore then you need to end your marriage now and quit wasting time in this limbo situation. Bottom line: you have to stop sneaking around and hiding your affair from your husband. It will make you feel better and a lot less guilty once everything is out in the open.
Second, if you want to know how this man feels about you, it's simple, just ASK HIM!!! I mean you talk about everything else for hours on end (I know because I'm a Gemini who's dating a Taurus and we have the same amazing conversations!) From what I've learned so far, the best way to handle a situation like this with a Taurus is to be direct and honest about how you feel, then back way off and let him digest what you have said, and whatever you do, DO NOT push him or try to force him to make a decision because that tactic will backfire in a really big way. The more you push, the more he will resist. Basically, just tell him how you feel about him and depending on how he responds you will have your answer. If he receives you well or tells you he feels the same way, then there's probably a good chance that he wants to make the relationship work with you, but if he responds with a lot of "ums" and "uhs" or starts making excuses that he loves you but can't leave his wife for whatever reason, well then you know that he probably just likes having his proverbial cake and eating it too!
Yes, it's scary. Yes, you may get your heart broken. But, however he responds, at least you will know and will be able to move forward in your life... whether that be with or without him! It sucks putting yourself out there, but it must be done because it's the only way to ever experience the love relationship that you're longing for. I recommend reading "The Heart of a Man is a Woman" by Randall Curtis. Randall is the founder of planetary psychology and this book explores a completely new and inspiring way of looking at relationships. My favorite quote is "Only by losing your heart do you find it."
Good luck, and don't worry about karma, you are a good person and everyone makes mistakes, however you need to correct the situation as soon as you possibly can... who knows, maybe this is his karma paying him back for the 15 years of emotional abuse he put you through. Keep us posted!
Oh, and Renee, you shouldn't have to apologize for anything you posted on here. You created this topic and if others don't approve of your situation then they need not respond. It is important that everyone remember that you asked for ADVICE, not a lecture or a tongue-lashing. Let's try to keep these forums as positive and uplifting as possible because the whole purpose of their existence is to create a supportive and inspiring community for members.
Thank you Miche53083! I am currently seperated from my marriage....and I plan to eventually do what I need to do for my own well being and my sons...Figuring out your life isnt an easy task by any means...
You are sooooooo right about a Taurus...HE is a Taurus and I know that the various conversations we have had about our relationship he does seem to take things in and contemplates alot....I know this isn't easy for him either...To want to be happy, which he has told me so many times he wants, but feels he is trapped...I'm not saying that is an excuse, I know men always have alot of those.....But I really feel he feels trapped in his unhappy marriage...
Even though we have a relationship we do communicate very well on all levels and we've told each other many things about how we feel about our marriages and our lives.....
You are right as well about me telling him how I feel about him..And in no way would I push him...This isn't about pushing him...It is about revealing to him my feelings for him and about our relationship and where things are going in our lives together or not...and for me to come out and ask him how he feels about me..It is very scary to put yourself out there, its very hurtful and painful, but in the end if the person feels the same for you it can be a wonderful, enlightening experience......I guess I am just waiting for the right moment to ask....I dont like to ask over emails or text messages...The only true way to see what is in a persons heart is through their expressions and emotions. Seeing each other in person has been difficult lately......So now it is just a waiting game to see when we could possibly get together to talk....
Thank you as well for the book recommendation. I am going to go out and buy it tonight!
Any kind of uplifting advice or guidance is so appreciated....
I do like to think and feel that I am a good hearted person. I would give anyone the shirt off my back and never expect anything in return.....
It has nothing to do with positive or negative. The fact is that things dont' just happen. People CHOOSE to make things happen.
hey renee73 i would like to chat with you but not on open forum. i would rather do my space let me know?
WOW!...Where to start is RIGHT! First of all, I am very sympathetic, as I have experienced a similar situation. The fact is, there are a lot of folks out there getting married to the wrong person, and then find themselves "trapped" in the marriage for various reasons....money, kids, property, etc. In my opinion, people engage themselves in a marriage contract way too frivolously, and then they have a real mess to contend with when it comes to finding true happiness with the right person. Men have a tendency to stay in the "trap" more often than women, because they usually have the most to lose in a divorce. Women go with their hearts more, and will divorce out of a miserable marriage rather than stay in it. But there is a lot more at stake on both sides other than just "love" to consider....karma (as others have mentioned) is one thing to consider. But what kind of good karma can you create in a miserable marriage? Not much. But you must also consider what the other spouses will feel like to eventually learn of your "secret love" with their mates....and it always comes out, eventually.
Neither one of you should make a change until you resolve your respective marriages one way or the other. Just remember that a healthy loving relationship should ENHANCE the quality of your life, not BE your life. And our responsibility to our kids is to show them how to have a healthy loving relationship by example. That's how they learn how to have one themselves. You should never stay in an unhealthy relationship for your kids sake...that just shows them how to be miserable. If you are CERTAIN that the marrage can't be saved, get out. Explain that you're human and made a bad decision, and are now correcting that bad decision. Explain that there were things you didn't know or understand about your current mate, and yourself, at the time of the marriage. And that you now understand that if you had taken a more non-emotional approach to selecting a mate that the marrage would have never taken place. YES, as hard as it is, we must use our intellect in making realtionship decisions as a buffer to our emotions. I know...easier said than done. But you should never leave one relationship to go right into another. There is an old saying that states that " You should never gain happiness at the expense of some else's misery"...and, yes, that is a law of Karma. To do so taints the new relationship with bad energy. Which is why "marriage jumpers" almost never seem to find any peace in a relationship. So, if you leave a marriage, do so because it is the right thing for both of you. And then give yourself some time to be alone and re-find yourself before getting seriously involved with someone else. You need time to heal, reflect, and find out who you are NOW as an individual. After that, you should have learned from your previous mistake, and can make a better relationship decision next time around.
Also please remember that a piece of paper and living in the same place does not a marriage or relationship make. It's the commitment in the 2 people's hearts to each other that makes it work. If that's not there, then it will never work.
Another thing to consider is how much of this new relationship is about sexual chemistry...? So often, married couples let the daily grind of living kill the chemistry and sexuality in their marriage. Just remember that your mate didn't stop being a sexual person just because you got married and life got crazy. Whatever you did to keep your sex life hot, you should keep on doing (to some degeree) after marriage. When people get married, men especially, it's because they have decided that their chosen mate is the one that they want to take care of their physical needs long-term. When a mate, male or female, repeatedly rejects their spouse sexually (I'm not talking about being sick, or tired, or having an occasional off-day...everybody has those times), emotionally that spouse will feel as if their rejecting mate has broken their marrage contract already. It is generally expected that, in a marrage, your mate has agreed to nurture you intellctually, emotionally, spiritually, AND PHYSICALLY. When that doesn't happen, hurt and dissention set in, and the mate feels betrayed and duped by their spouse...LIED TO. And they use it for a justification to cheat, as they feel that their mate has already physically broken their marriage agreement. And in fact, they are right. But one agreement should be dissolved before another one is entered into. Not doing that is what causes so much pain and confusion.
At this point, I agree with the others...you should have "the discussion" with your "soul mate". It's high time. You may discover that you are just a bandaid for his wounded pride from a rejecting and insensitive mate. If that's the case, dump him, free yourself, and then be open to the type of open relationship you really want and deserve. And remember that some people ARE chronic cheaters, and cheat on everyone they are with...even YOU! (Especially those that have a sexual addiction.) Explain that this is making you miserable, and that you need to take a break until he decides what to do about his marriage. The old saying, "if you love something set it free. If it's yours, it will come back to you and is yours. If it doesn't, it never was yours." is very true. Stick to your guns about taking the break. If positive change is to be made, it will be then...one way or another. In either case, you'll have your answer.
CAP1962 THATS GREAT!! I AM ON MYSPACE..YOU CAN FIND ME HERE
SEND ME AN ADD REQUEST AND I WILL ACCEPT SO WE CAN CHAT THERE.
THANKS A BUNCH!! I LOOK FORWARD TO CHATTING...
THANKS SO MUCH SWEETRAVENNCINCY!!! YOU HAVE VERY GOOD INSIGHT INTO THINGS AND OFFER VERY GOOD ADVICE AND GAVE ME ALOT OF THINGS TO THINK ABOUT . THAT WAS MY WHOLE PURPOSE OF POSTING MY SITUATION HERE, NOT TO BE BELITTLED BY SOME PEOPLE THAT MAYBE FEEL THEY ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS....
THE ISSUE GOING ON WITH ME AND THIS GUY RIGHT NOW IS WE ARE GIVING THINGS WITH US SOME SPACE I GUESS YOU COULD SAY. WE BOTH HAVE ALOT GOING ON RIGHT NOW AND FOR ME I NEED TO FOCUS ON MYSELF AND MY SON....AND YOU ARE RIGHT, I NEED TO FIND OUT WHO I AM AGAIN....BEING IN A MARRIAGE WHERE I FELT VERY UNLOVED AND UNWANTED FOR SO LONG AND THEN ENDING UP BEING VERBALLY, MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSED HAS REALLY LEFT ALOT OF SCARS TO HEAL...
I KNOW THAT I CANT FULLY GIVE MYSELF OR MY HEART TO SOMEONE UNTIL IAM ME AGAIN...SLOWLY SINCE BEING SEPERATED I HAVE FOUND LAUGHTER AND JOY IN MY LIFE THROUGH FRIENDS AND FAMILY THAT HAVE BEEN HERE FOR ME....
AND YES " IF YOU SET SOMETHING FREE AND IT COMES BACK TO YOU IT WAS MEANT TO BE" I BELIEVE THAT....MAYBE ITS TIME TO SEE HOW THAT OLD SAYING REALLY WORKS...
THANKS SO MUCH FOR RESPONDING AND GIVING ME ALOT TO THINK ABOUT.....
As cliché as it does sound, honesty is always the best answer (in the end anyway). If you want to be your happiest, then you do have to be honest with yourself as to why should you remain in a marriage that does not make you happy, and you've got to be honest with your husband as to how you actually feel (and perhaps discuss exactly what can be done about it) and you've got to have an open and honest conversation with your married 'lover' as to what exactly his marriage means to him, and what exactly you mean to each other.
Without these conversations and clarity then you're only fooling yourself and dreaming about 'what could be'.
I also agree with mdenlightment in the fact that if this guy truly did 'love' you then he would do whatever it takes to be with you. Including having serioud discussions of how the two of you can be together, and of leaving both of your unhappy homes.
Until then, all you guys have are some thrills and some dreams. But then again, thrills and dreams are wonderful things too, aren't they?
You are most welcome! I once was married to an emotionally abusive and cheating husband.
He had a drug and alcohol problem...what a nightmare! I was still in love with him the day I divorced him (at my pastor's advice, I might add). It took me a long time to get over it, and to not judge potential mates by his actions. It leaves more scars than what are even obvious to you now. So DO give yourself time to heal and become whole again...you deserve it, don't you?
Who knows, after some time, this "soul mate" may not even look so good any more...as your needs and perspective are bound to change as you allow yourself to heal.
I know how tough the situation is that you are dealing with, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Blessings and Wisdom to you!
Well...I wasn't married, but was in a serious but unhappy relationship too...I allowed myself to have feelings for someone else whom I thought I was never gonna meet...but then I gave up completely on the relationship I was in....but this was because I had tried everything possible - from blaming myself to trying to talk about the situation...
What I mean is that...you most likely wouldn't have feelings for your lover if your marriage was going well...In my case - time took care of the way I feel inside, and of what my old relationship means to me...but I had to take action, and come to a conclusion - that I gave up.
You really need to come to your own conclusion, and like Dreamer said - honesty is the best thing.
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well honey, i have been there several times before (the married man), i apologize for what i am about to say because you may find it a little hurtful, the truth does sometimes hurt. However, married men tend to love having their cakes and eating it too! They tell you what you want to hear because you are their get away!...Well i guess you say get away from what? Well the get away from the everyday headache-THE WIFE! You allow the married man to have excitement, your new, your fun, your going to be doing sexy things that wifie may not do anymore or she may still do however it just does not excite him as much because he is used to it.....So he tells you, i dont want to be with her anymore, she does not cook for me, she does not clean the house, she is lazy, maybe even, she is not giving him any or it is not good....Does any of this sound familiar? Maybe Maybe not. The excuse"i wont leave until my child graduates" Hey that is really a good one, right...because we know that is going to take a few more years and by then either you all will have had enough of each other or that will give him enough time to find another excuse to hold him off from leaving that wife that he is really never going to leave...she will probrably end up leaving him first because she has caught up with his tricks and games.......COME ON NOW, OUT SIDE OF BEING IN JAIL, WHEN DO WE AS PEOPLE REALLY LET ANYTHING STOP US FROM DOING WHAT WE WANT TO DO WITH WHOM? If he wanted to leave he would be gone! He just has a very believable excuse! Well enough of him right now...lets get to you! You are in love with him so you are believing every thing he is telling you, and you are preparing for your divorce and thinking yes i am going to be with Mr. married man...well honey make sure you are getting a divorce for YOU and not him because when it is all said and done, i do wish you luck, but you may not end up with mr married man, so while you are ahead of yourself, pray, or do whatever you do to help you get encouraged and get over him and leave the door open with him by saying hey im getting my self together and if you want me, your will get yours together too!....If he really wants you he will come and get you (easier said than done) But dont live you life a lie/dream...live reality! I love you like a sister....because i love everyone...take care until next time...and trust me i know. I have been with several married man and it took experience to find out that you will loose in the end !
I'm not sure what happen to bring him to this point...sometimes it just by choice...but the question is...do you think that you deserve someone to cheat on you...are you that comfortable with your life that your willing to except anything even if that person isn't honoring your temple....you need to talk to him if you haven't.....you are a wonderful person and the other women is just that....take control and show him that youd deserve more take back your life...men think that if you stay at home and don't go out with you friend that they have you and your devoted to them no matter what show him that you are not and you love yourself more....yes self love....do you love yourself more than you love your husband....or do you just love him.....I know because I had to do the same thing....now he's wondering if I have someone...nature yourself...get massages...get you hair done ....do what ever makes you feel special....not for him for you.....peace