WHAT is going on?
I had a really bad night last night, and I haven't slept well lately. Bizarre, nonsensical dreams interspersed with waking up and looking at the clock every hour or two. And I take Lunesta (prescription sleeding pill) which normally works well for me. Plus, last night DH said some crappy things to me which really pissed me off (a recurring issue which we haven't been able to solve, and quite frankly, I'm pretty fed up with it.) I was so angry I couldn't fall asleep, so I ended up getting up and going for a walk. Today I've been on-edge all day, wired, feeling like something really big and bad was just around the corner. You know, that feeling of dread. I half expected to come home and be served at my front gate. Maybe I was hoping because I am still mad.
Is there something wacky going on in the heavens right now?
Sheesh, sorry about the typos and the grammar everyone, too bad there isn't an "edit" button here!
Are you feeling a bit lightheaded by any chance?
That's an interesting question. Yeah. I've felt everything around me to be very surreal today. And me, wired but in slow motion, and really unclear. Didn't know if it had to do with the extra Lunesta I took (and the bad sleep), or if it was something else. Like I mentioned, a lot lately has just been a little bit "off," particularly my sleep. Lunesta normally doesn't affect the way I function the next day; I'm not a morning person so I'm always mentally limited in the morning, regardless.
To go back a little and summarize the last few months' chain of events: spent a year in a job I HATED, quit that but it took four months of struggling to get into the new job I wanted (worked in the bad job until I received the blessing to go to the good one.) Found out I was accepted at the new job and switched from nightshift (which I'd been on for a decade) to dayshift with one day off in between. Talk about a shock to the system! I'm really a night person at heart but agreed to days to get away from the toxic job I was in.
Because I was so stressed in that last job I also signed up for a few classes in a new career (to tell you how bad things were!) so when I went to start the new job -- well, school started at the same time. It's been running me ragged but now I've broken the code and I know I can DO IT!!! (Happy happy!!) The confusing part is trying on all these new roles and trying to figure out my ultimate plan. What is it I'm trying to accomplish? A new business? A hobby business? How much longer in the hard-core regular job I have, or is it a reality that I'll be working for a long time before I can make my new career/hobby/fun dream a reality?
In the meantime, there's the husband. I feel sometimes like he's trying to hold me back. I don't feel free to study as late and as often as I'd like -- because he complains that I don't have enough time for him. In my mind, we agreed on our financial goals (and we're reaching them, thanks to both of our good employment and judgement), and he understands that I have to do what I'm doing in order for us to accomplish this. But he's been comparing me to his coworkers' lovey-dovey, princess wives who don't work, stay at home, have no hobbies and want to spend their time with their husbands having sex. Ha! You get the picture over where are disagreements are.
I won't go indo sordid detail but I'm a Gemini -- and unfortunately, sex just isn't my thing. I'm kind of aloof when it comes to showing affection, a little cold. He's a Cancer. He's moody to the point I dread coming home sometimes because I don't know which man will be there. He's accusative. He tests me. He's manipulative and sneaky. He's needy. He's also very generous, BUT, every good thing he does comes with a pricetag. He showboats his generosity which of course makes it looks like I take him for granted (he'll even admit that he does this to "convince people he's okay if I ever say anything bad about him.") Everything is a game, and I'm pretty straightforward. I get really fed up with the games.
I was taking a test for school online the other night and although I was probably only on the computer for an hour to an hour and a half, I kid you not, he was in here every 15 minutes trying to feed me something. It was annoying at the time because I was trying to concentrate, but I thought, "Appreciate that he's being nice," so I thanked him, even though I really felt like he was trying to sabotage me. Truth soon came out: we went to bed and of course he wouldn't let me sleep, he wanted SEX. Grrrr!!!!! I get up in the morning VERY early for my shift and I didn't appreciate the extra time we spent. And, I never, EVER sleep after sex. But he does.
I guess I'm just wondering, with all the "change" that's supposed to be happening astrologically for Geminis (I think I'm remembering that right), what am I in store for? A SUCCESSFUL change in, modification of, or blending of careers? And relationship wise, is this moody cycle of doom going to go on forever (can I continue to put up with his moodiness, and can he continue to put up with my not fulfilling his emotional/physical Cancer needs?)
Sorry all, I really REALLY needed to vent, and I appreciate any gut feelings you all have or if you happen to know this planet is here and that one is there which means... things will just suck for a while longer.
I am going to give what I get but you have got to pause and reflect. Every time I tune in to you I get lightheaded and feel a massive spinning sensation that I can only describe as feeling like a tornado. That is why I asked if you were lightheaded. Your energy is coming across to me that way and I can hardly see straight. Just like you. But what you are also feeling is your own inner tornado. You are not IN a tailspin, you ARE the tailspin.
Slow down and live in the NOW, not the past or the future. You need to be grateful for the lessons of the one and look forward with hope and joy the other, but appreciate what you have NOW. Open your eyes to the journey, the present.
As far as your husband, this is going to sound harsh, but what comes across to me is you are more the source of the negative energy here than he is. He is behaving in ways that you don't like at times but, truth is, there are hardly any ways you DO like. You are resentful of his needs from you because you feel guilty for not wanting to fulfill those needs. Saying he's sneaky,manipulative, etc. makes it easier for you to discount the validity of those needs and your inability and unwillingness to fulfill or even acknowledge them. Sure he gets on your nerves because you are locked in a vicious cycle of your own making that you either can't or don't want to get out of. Here is your cycle:
1. You are tired,stressed, busy, annoyed
2. He wants attention/time with you
3. You feel more more stressed by his demands of your time and attention and pull away in anger and resentment.
3. He feels your pulling away and becomes even more desperate and, to you, even more annoying.
4. He sulks or gets upset
5. You get angrier and more distant
I think you know the rest. It isn't him. Its within YOU. He is a good man who is very hurt and confused. You are good woman who has become too overwhelmed and too self centered. That's what I'm getting from the underlying feeling of doom you have had all day. Its the spirit of fear and the unwillingness to admit the guilt that brought you to this as well as what that fear means, because you DO know.
I'm sorry for the bluntness and I know you're not liking me at all for it but it is what's coming to me and is what you need to hear.
Do you feel caged in? Like feel you want to run away and can't? Do you grit your teeth or clench your jaw a lot? Is there anything going on with your feet or lower legs?
I'm getting SO much from you, I don't want to throw it all out there at once. Think about what you have so far.
Blessings and Peace
I need to add, you ARE going to be ok. Let's walk you through this one step at time. There are a LOT of the MOST wonderful giving people here. You will find MANY angels lending you a hand along the way on this site. Calm down. Take it slow:)
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Hisbablove, you are correct about a lot, really a lot. I'm not offended. I'm off to work here in a minute but I just wanted to say that I mostly find true happiness and peace when I'm outside. I have a little area out there where I go (I live on a little farm) and I just love it. The trees, the birds, the garden, the animals, even the wild bunnies like to come and hang out... it's just so nice to be away from people out there.
When I really sit and reflect I feel like this is the "place" for me. That was I can be doing something constructive, use my mind, and NOT be destructive. I understand that I don't have a lot of patience for other people and I AM an introvert, and I can be awfully mean, so what better place to be where I'm happy, and then I see people when I'm at my best? This is the reason I'm going to school right now, just looking at options for my next career.
Oops I have to go, will comment more later. Had to laugh though -- the clenching of teeth oh yeah you really hit that one on the head!!! Also the rest, my body is totally out of whack, I seriously need an adjustment.
Thanks so much, can't wait to hear more.
From the sound of it, you have quite a few goals to achieve and not enough time. But please remember, you can never get time back. When you wake up in the morning, go to the mirror and look at yourself. Examine every stress line. Then close your eyes, think of a warm sunny day by a quiet brook and think of the nice time you are having listening to the birds and smelling the outdoors. Then open your eyes again and look at yourself. Calmness. Maybe that will help you. Do this quite a few times a day. Slow down.
Tailspin, the evidence of your desperate inner need for call is your feelings of finding a "place," peace, happiness, etc. in nature where you can be still. Be still and listen to your soul. Get deep inside yourself and be honest.
You NEED to do this. Like I said earlier, we will get you through this one step at a time. Start here. Reflect, be quiet, and be honest. Don't be afraid and don't judge yourself or others. You aren't mean any more than he is a sneaky, manipulative, jerk. You are human and something is within you that you are not acknowledging or dealing with that is manifesting itself in these destructive behaviors.
Once you're on the right track, we can go further. But this is an important first step.
I asked all those questions about the jaw clenching,etc. because that was exactly what I was feeling and doing when I was focusing on you. Your body is out of whack mostly because your spirit is out of whack.
Have a great day and be happy-you have been led to a path of healing. The sun is coming out:)
Jaw clenching and light headness can be a sign, even subconsiously (please forgive my spelling) if your not aware your doing it, or where its coming from that your body, mind and pretty much the rest of you would really like to slow down, take a moment before it just takes it toll and becomes a little more difficult to recover, don't let it get so crazy inside that you compromise everything you have been working for/towards that you want. I too am a night owl, and No morning person, and typically suffer if I try to turn in to early, but like you, my life and responsibilties center around the day. I am a cancer too, like your spouse, I have those traits too, I'm sure my boyfriend has felt like you do a time or two, but I am also very in need of my space, and often have no desire for the physical stuff either. I have taking the insight I've been blessed to recieve on here latley very seriously and I must say, things are looking up. Looks like you have a good advisor in hisbablove, hang in there, it will get better.
Hi again guys. Seriously. Does anyone have an ephemeris (sp?)? The last time I felt this way was a few years ago. My hormones were all screwed up. I feel just like that. I am SOOOO BLUE tonight. And wired. And edgy. And tired. And depressed.
Is this the "Saturn-Pluto square" thingy? How often does it happen??
I read my November horoscope and it's talking about fear (I can understand that) and about fear of change and how one should embrace the change and so on -- but WHAT change? It would be easier to embrace change if I had a hint what I'm changing. How do I know if I'm making the right change? What if I make the wrong decision THINKING I'm right, because I know I'm SUPPOSED to be changing? This is very confusing.
I think your suppose to try to let go of the fear part, and trust in the change part, mabe its around you thats changing, not you per say, and it might easier if you are prepared, and embrace changes, so it doesn't feel scary or unfamiliar, you'll flow with changes if you've let go of the fear part, if you knew what the changes were going to be then it might not seem so scary in the first place, you could go round and round with fear and change, I would just say to myself, if change is coming, I'll be okay with it, its for the better, and theres nothing to fear about it, or something like that. Youv'e probably been through so many changes and didn't even think to fear them, you might even welcome them, try to trust they are for your benefit, then they won't seem so bad. I am curious ,what kind of decisions are afraid of making that could be wrong?
bluecat123, you seem to have a lot of wisdom and I would like your opinion. I am at a crossroads right now since my husband passed away in 2007. It was a complete shock, he died of heart failure at 52. I am in my early 50's and have no desire to start a relationship with another man after being married for over 20 yrs (we had no children/he had several). I feel like I have gained my freedom back and if I get involved with another man I will forfeit that freedom once again! I do not have any prospects (men) but I do get flirted with of which I ignore. Is there something wrong with me? Should I be out dating? My husband was very controlling and jealous (a Leo who was very insecure but a lot of fun). Am I wrong for wanting to be by myself, afterall I am an only child and am used to spending long periods of time by myself (I am a Capricorn). My co-workers and neighbors are always saying that I spend too much time in the house but in my mind I had my day when I did go out and party almost every weekend during my early to late '20's and today is not safe like it used to be, if you know what I mean!! I'm not saying I don't want a boyfriend it's just that I don't want the baggage (and STD's) that comes with it!! Am I being too cautious? What do you think?
Most women after fifty feel a great shift in their lives. The fifties are a time for healing and letting go. As shocking as it is to get that first seniors discount the benefits of age are worth celebrating. I think you should drop the guilt and do what ever feels best for you as long as it is not destructive. With age comes liberation and wisdom. No more hormones raging. Instead passion becomes more manageable and productive. Don't feel guilty there is an upside to being a widow. It doesn't mean you did not love your husband. Survival is dependent on making the best of the hand we are dealt. If people are worried your reclusivenes is a sign somethings wrong, don't let them bother you. You are not alone with these feelings. Most independent woman I know married or not feel a lot like you.