Obsessed or Insecure
I started seeing someone bout 1 yr ago, but initially i stated i dont want a serious relationship,, i just want an " IT IS WHAT IT IS FOR THE MOMENT I'LL CYA WHEN I CYA!" But im getting smothered with "who's that?" on my phone and "where did u get that"? with anything I wear and "If you still keep in touch with any male friends then Im being disrespectful!" He is helping me out financially right now but im starting to think its not worth the stress i go through and its gettin to complicated with having to explain my every move like if I dont answer the phone he wants to know why i didnt answer and what was i doing that i couldnt answer,even gettin to the point of accusing me ignoring him cause i was with someone else , just very insecure accusations and if I dont have a excuse thats believable,which is the truth ,he still doesnt believe me and uses the financial help he gives as leverage ,I know I should get out now but i thought maybe there might be another alternative,or maybe im crazy for thinkin that there could be a solution to this mess of a relationship lol
Rainy rain, I have been going through something similar. The guy I am seeing has the means to spoil me. I have not developed any kind of attachment to him. I am very busy with work and kids and sometimes I just want to be alone. I am pretty straightforward and tell him regularly that I dont have a spark with him but I do care about him on a friendship level and I enjoy our date nights but not intrested in anything more than that. He feels like hes falling in love with me. I told him he should just break up with me before he gets hurt and try to find someone that can reciprocate what hes feeling. He said he should be the one that gets to decide that. I broke up with him once for being annoying and blowing up my phone and acting insecure and told him I do not want or need a clingy boyfriend and if he doesnt knock it off I will have no problem leaving. He gave me some money and said he wanted to be an asset not a liability. I think hes is crazy for this but I am still with him and feel that as long as he plays by my rules I will stay. Try being honest with him again and see if that doesnt make him quit giving you a hard time.
Unfortunately for men, you give them an inch and they will take it a mile. Men gauge interest through any physical acceptance of them (that is, touching, etc.), as well as financial acceptance. After all, men will gauge THEMSELVES on those two things, in terms of importance and success.
Men who are insecure, have issues, etc., have this amplified ten-fold. Someone who calls you a lot, texts all the time, expects you to smother him back with the same attention, has serious insecurities and voids he wants you to fill. You have been nominated without your own vote. Men are about action, so if you accept money and smile or touch his arm, answer some of his calls, spend time with him, etc., that trumps any words you spew forth of "I don't want something serious--sorry."
The rules are just that way, and it's human nature. So, since we have to ultimately play human nature's rules, your best bet is to stop accepting his money. That important action will trump any belief he has that there is something serious going on. Sure, he is going to pout, throw a tantrum, etc., but don't all children when they don't get the gumball they want? This is the only way to gas him out.
I am sure it is very difficult to stop accepting money, but this is the leverage--as you put it--he is using. Men like things kept simple and "bottom-lined" so let's fight fire with fire. Be clear and concise about your definitive position with him. Then, if he starts to push boundaries again, you must cease seeing him, if even on a casual level.
Once a guy crosses the line of like to love (or lust), he cannot go back. It's done. You can't un-ring that bell. So, your only option is to eventually end the relationship. These types clearly can't understand moderation or respect for privacy, boundaries and the fact that you are equal to them--not beneath them to control like a dog. Good luck!
Night Owl I like your advice alot of wisdom in what you say. Thanks. i can only speak for me not rainy rain when I say that I think breaking up with him is inevitable its just a matter of when. I tried another failed attempt to break it off and was manipulated back into the relationship when I was told there was only a small handful of times I would have to see him before he would leave and go south for the winter. He also said he wanted me and the kids to have a nice christmas and he wanted to be a part of that. He definantly uses money to get what he wants and after raising 3 kids on my own and all the struggles we have been through its really hard to turn it down and accept his gifts, money , and even his kindness. I really like your perspective though thanks for your words. ( :