Hard time letting go



  • Hello all and happy weekend!!

    I could really use some insite on a situation. Over the last year and a half I had developed a close friendship with a coworker. He was the first man I connected with after breaking up from a long term relationship. I had cut out every man I had in my life after the breakup, I had a hard time trusting. I think to me he was "safe" because he is a happily married man. The last thing I needed or wanted was a love relationship. I was getting my head screwed back on straight. he helped me realize it was ok to be myself. Then one day he cut me off, just stopped talking to me even avoided me. This hurt me and I had no idea what happened. I confronted him and he told me his wife had heard us talking on the phone (he was working at home one day) and she didn't like the way he was talking to me. He had said something to me that made her uncomfortable. So we decided that we could not be friends anymore. The last thing I wanted was to make anyone feel uncomfortable or uneasy or be the cause of another womans hurt. He had to do what he had to do. Yes, it hurt, he was a very good friend, but his marriage comes first, as it should. This is where I am having a hard time. we stopped casual conversation and we keep it about business. However, he has latched onto another woman at work. And is friends with her. Now, I know this is not my problem, it is his. This girl at work is someone he knows I don't particualry like very much. She just isn't a very nice person.

    I am having a hard time letting this go. He can't in good concious be friends with me but can be good friends with her? I don't like the anger I am feeling with the situation but I can't seem to let it go.



  • Hi, I'm sorry that you are in that situation....the best advice I can give you is that - if i were you I'd probably really try to give him some space and time...who knows his reasons for being friends with this girl that you don't like, you obviously can't see it, which is understandable. But really - if he has gone through having to lose a female friend before due to clash of priorities...well...it kind of looks like he's not thinking straight, since he's going in for more. But who knows the outcome? Do you don't want to be part of some more clashing of priorities?

    Sorry - that was my best, bye



  • Thank you for your input cat. But I am having a hard time letting go of the anger in me. He is going to have friends, and should have friends. I need to get rid of the anger in myself. I know my emotions are about me and I have to get to the bottom of why this situation is making me angry. I guess I'll do some meditating on this today.

    Thank you again for your reply.

    Bean



  • You have reason to be angry because the guy is a jerk, plain and simple. You have to take a look at yourself and ask yourself why are you so angry. The Universe has given you a blessing by getting this man out of your life. You need to focus on you and ask yourself why you would allow yourself to get this close to a married man.

    I tend to be blunt so I hope you don't take offense.



  • MoonTarot,

    Thank you for your reply. I appreciate bluntness.

    I have always had male friends in my life. Him and I became friends because at the time I needed a male buddy. I had cut out every male friend I had in my life. I didn't consciously seek out a new friendship with him. We work together. I personally don't think there is a problem having a male friend, even if they are married. But I do believe you are right, the universe has given me a blessing by taking him out of my life. But he was a blessing IN my life, when I needed one. He is a moon child and has a very nurturing soul. My self esteem was in the toilet. I just needed a reminder that I am human and am allowed to make mistakes in life. He helped me to see that. As a friend, I helped him in his battles too.

    I know as human being none of us like to be forgotten, I think the thought that I have been forgotten so easily by a friend has hurt me. But, if we were friends that wouldn't happen. It is what it is. I needed help, he was there, and now I don't, and he isn't. Plain and simple.

    Bean



  • People come and go in our lives. You have to take it for what it is. Sometimes people come into our lives and leave but it's for a reason.

    I have also had mostly male friends my entire life but none of them have been married. If you are a single woman, there are certain boundaries that should not be crossed. I was in a situation where there was an older woman befriending my BF. She was CLEARLY overstepping the boundaries in front of my face. I am not the jealous type but I have always been my intuitive. Months later after I first pointed it out to my BF, he finally recognized that yes, she was crossing boundaries. Always asking him out to happy hour. Offering to do things for his children. Inviting herself over to our apt. Buying him gifts. Things like that.

    Also, stay away from relationships at work, people! Half of my clients' issues result from getting involved with someone at work. It's never a good idea.



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  • Hi, Let it go. If he was talking to you at home could be interpreted as "too close to home." Don't let anyone take your self-esteem. What happens at his house is his life and business. I have had a friend for a long time. He is interested in someone which is great, however it will be interesting to see if our friendship survives. He told me that she said that he'll have to straighten the friendship out--whatever that means. I think it means no friends. That's ok because that is his choice not mine. That's how you must look at it. He still comes over to talk, just not as long. I think any relationship that is that insecure is not healthy. He said that he told her that we had known each other 15 yrs. Also said he wanted us to meet. Don't see that happening. I'm already guilty in her mind. Don't want to meet her. Yes, you can have male friends.



  • Why are you chosing a man who you know is married man to be your friend? And what is a friend? A friend is a person with who you can be open about everything and enjoy having time together, talking, being open. How are going to be it when you know he needs to hide this relationship from his other life partner-his wife? You need to reconsider your position. Be honest to yourself. Are you really looking for friendship or loving, intimate relationship?



  • I am sorry for your pain in this situation. Your friendship was wonderful while it was there but sadly it is over. I know it hurts that you have had to lose that lovely friendship, but it's already been sullied. As for him talking with this other woman, as he is the one who had to break off your friendship, I don't think that's out of spite. Her involvement with him may or may not be out of dislike with you, but you can't think about that. She doesn't matter, and if she's after more than friendship with him, that's their own disaster in the making. Maybe they deserve each other, and the danger they're flirting with.

    I think there may be possibly some part of him that gets crushes on women, and when a person is like that, there will always be someone. This someone will always be within the realms where this person spends all their time (so that's work, or school if a person's in college, or a club they're in, or the regular crowd at the pub, etc.) Contempt isn't the only thing familiarity breeds; it breeds affection too.

    Don't think your friendship didn't mean anything to him, because I'm sure it did at the time. Maybe he felt more for you than you for him, but you'll never know now. Still, now you see this element of his character, which you could not possibly have seen when he was your friend, you can actually breathe a sigh of relief, and allow it to help heal you. This is a immature streak in his character that would have hurt you in the end. Yes, you feel betrayed. Yes, it is a bit insensitive of him to drop your friendship like that and then start it up with someone else, right in front of you. Yes, you are jealous of his new friendship with this woman you don't like (and have more reason to dislike now, but don't get involved with that). Only time will settle that. You simply have to go through the pain. A break-up is a break-up, even if it wasn't romantic. There was still affection there, and that doesn't just settle down and let you put it away easily.

    It may help if every time you see them together, you wish them "good luck" in your head (without spite, and eventually you may even grow to mean it), and then turn away and turn your thoughts to something else. Be a little more distant with him. He's obviously not your friend if he's going to just move on to the next one in line (because that is what she is to him). Yes, he's moved on. You don't have to indulge in contempt, but you no longer need to like someone who so obviously doesn't take your feelings into consideration If you meditate or pray, now is the time to step it up. A quick little prayer every time you feel your bile rising will help.

    One last thing. Since it is obvious you are jealous of his new "friendship", perhaps he really did mean more to you than just friendship. If his wife left him, and he asked you out, would you have gone to him? If the answer's yes, then this was probably more serious than you're admitting to yourself. If you had gone with him, you would have been the wife/partner who would have to deal with his sting of other female "friends" (the quotes are because I think these are crushes he gets, not straight friendship). This is obviously a pattern, and you can really feel bad for his (likely) long-suffering wife. I think you made a lucky escape, and can thank your lucky stars it wasn't any worse.

    Peace, love, and serenity.



  • Friendships at work with the opposite sex ....starts off innocent, but if either of you are married, just forget it...or keep it strictly mundane. It causes tons of heartache....been there, done it and had it done to me....even if it is harmless flirting avoid at all costs.



  • It's really hard not to go to extremes when replying to a situation like this. It's true...he had to cut you off because you posed a perceived threat to his marriage. Fact #1: his wife does not feel secure. Fact #2: Guys like this can't be "just friends" no matter how hard they try. Fact #3: He misses the relationship he was forced to abort, so that's why he's talking to somebody else. The fact that she's not the "nicest person" you know fools him into thinking it'll be easier not to let that friendship get between him and his wife. Fact #4: His marriage is already in trouble.

    Fact #5: Don't take it personally, but he's co-dependent. Count your blessings and run like hell.

    I know he seems nice, but even if you ended up together, you'd be the wife that didn't understand him and he'd still be talking to somebody else, because there's too much at stake for him emotionally to be truly honest and open with his main squeeze!



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