I Need Help/Have No One to Turn To
Hi, I just became a new member to this forum. I've been a member of Tarot.com for nearly 2 yrs; I always look at my daily horoscope, and I've tried several Tarot readings. This has been one of my only sources of Hope and Enlightenment, and I am grateful for that. I'm close to the "half-century" point of my life, but I feel more lost and helpless now than...well, almost my entire life. I don't mean to come on here and sound negative or as if I'm throwing a pity-party on my behalf. I am just to the end of my rope with no room to tie anymore knots in it to hold on.
I am widowed twice: my first husband passed suddenly when our 2 sons were 5 months old and 3 and a 1/2 yrs old; I know I've never recovered from that loss. I've always (well, I used to) tried to maintain a positive outlook, but it is nearly impossible to do that anymore.
I've made so many mistakes, and even when I was trying my hardest to overcome any adversities and improve me and my sons lives, there has always been some type of crisis or blockade that sets me back to a Ground Zero point.
I finally made the biggest mistake in my life. That was selling our 40 acres farm ground, which also had the dilapidated home we lived in for many years until it became too bad to live in. I don't have any financial credit - I couldn't even take out a loan on the ground we owned to fix the house or tear it down and rebuild or whatever. So for the last 6 years, I've been renting a house in this small town in the same county where are farm was. I have a bad back; I couldn't do the factory work that I'd been doing (in various factories) since high school. So in 2000, I went to college and got certificates in Basic and Advanced Computer Technology; from there I went to another college and obtained an Associates Degree in Information Processing. I was very proud and hopeful of becoming financially secure. But I couldn't get a decent job, and after trying so hard for several yrs to get this "dream job", I gave up. On top of the depression I've battled for years, I started having terrible anxiety attacks...I would be trying to go job hunting and as I would be getting ready, my heart started pounding, I'd be drenched with sweat, and would change clothes- maybe 6 to 8 times. I had lost my self-confidence, and would usually end up not leaving the house mainly because I wouldn't have time to drive to the closest big city (where I had better chances of finding employment) and be home in time for my sons to get out of school. Plus I would be physically and emotionally drained from trying to get ready!
I am seeing a therapist and had to start taking anti-anxiety medication, on top of the anti-depressants I was already on.
So, back to selling the farm - I split the money in thirds for my sons and I. This was back in January '08...my plan was to immediately move from this economically stagnent community, buy a decent car, and try to buy a trailer- and get out of this house we rent that is not worth what I've been paying- especially since it does not have good insulation (so the electricity is high in the summer and the gas furnace is outrageous in the winter- we are already getting cold in the evenings and overnight, but I refuse to turn that furnace on).
I was working on plans to move, etc...by March, and then my 20 yr old stepson was found dead; once again, I just shut down. I flew my 18 yr old stepson home and tried to take care of him, as well as my 2 sons.
I was lost and stupid - I frittered away my portion of the only money I had - just on bills and food. I didn't even get a decent car. And after this month, I won't have a dime left for the rent, bills, food or anything. My stepson ended up going to prison, as well as my oldest son (but he gets out next week) - it was all because of drugs.
I'm scared to death. I have no living relatives to help me out. I am terribly ashamed, and quite frankly, I wish every night when I go to bed, that I won't wake up.
I KNOW this is not ME. This is not supposed to be my destination. I have always been nature-conscious, I've always taken in stray pets and nursed them back to health and try to find good homes for them. I wanted to make a difference- to improve our environment, help wildlife, help our Mother Earth, and help people. I am a Virgo. And honestly, I have NO IDEA why I just poured out my heart to a group I just joined! I don't know what to do and I am sick at my stomach all of the time because I have failed at the last known attempt to stop struggling so much and feeling helpless. I don't hardly have any friends, and the ones that I DO or DID have all owe me money because I helped them out when I was fortunate enough to be able to, so now- they don't come around...they don't need me anymore because I am no use to them.
I am sorry to introduce myself in this manner. I guess I just want to know if there is any suggestions out there? How does one regroup when there doesn't seem to be anywhere to turn to? If anyone has any suggestions, I would feel blessed to hear them.
Misissue, I am so sorry you are going through this. Are you currently working? If so, that is money coming in right there. Whether you are or not, however, I would suggest that you check into local support organizations. They might be able to direct you to places in your area where you can get necessities like food, emotional support, and, if you need it, financial assistance. You might also talk to your clergyperson, if you attend religious services, for your spiritual needs. As for friends, get involved in something that you're interested in - is there a club or something in your area that has the same interest(s)? This is a lot to throw at you, but I hope at least some of it helps.
Yes, I know what you are going thru. When I was in my early to mid 50's I was in hades visiting pluto myself. I know what it is like to work hard , help and give to others even( when I didn't have a lot) and etc. and then when you hit your 50's suddenly find your self unable to even pay your bills, so called friends and family suddenly disappear or make things worse by their atitude etc.Remember though that there is a reason for everything. Even though we don't understand it at the time. Things will get better if we allow it to.
We have to appreciate everything we have. (Which doesn't mean just material things,those are the least important.) Remember to give what you can ie. your love for animals; the important things will come back and what you need not want but need will always be there. Good Luck and God Bless.
Hi Msissues, You are not a burden. I hope I can help--at least a little. I have a lot of Virgo friends. Virgo's are workers, so that has a lot to do w/how you feel. I know how it feels when the burden is heavy. My advice is not to dwell on the situation, but rather take steps in other directions. A lot of what you mentioned, I have been thru also. I have come to expect problems, but try not to let them control me. I expect they will happen. Getting into a good church is important. Getting into social services will help also. There are alot of broke banks, businesses etc. So, some things eco-socially are not our fault. You may want to apply at the local Wal-Mart. Talking w/God is important--daily. One morning while praying, I was wondering how I could give thanks when things seemed a mess. Because things can change and there is still time for change. Remember, in all things give thanks. Hope to hear from you again.
Thank you for your replies; I appreciate it more than anyone can know. I'm going to try just to get out this afternoon and visit one of my favorite wildlife habitats - just to escape sitting here and dwelling (or panicking!) about the money problems. And if my car was to break down, at least I would be out in a nice woods, where the peaceful serenity of just staring at this beautiful forest and listening to the sounds of nature are like a free ticket for a short visit in Heaven! *I hope that made sense...I'm in a hurry to get out of this house today!
God Bless You All
Dear Ms Lot's of Issues -- I could respond in my old fashioned American way: "yeah, life's a train wreck, and then you die!' Or, I could respond in Zen fashion -- have recently been studying the great films of Ozu and Mizoguchi -- Ozu asks: "Isn't life Disappointing" -- And,the most admirable person if the movie says simply: "Yes." -- That is the starting point of new life!
Instead I will respond in humanist fashion -- Where are you? -- You don't have to reveal a street address, which you may be getting evicted from anyway; but if we know what part of country you are in, maybe we can help, either face to face, or with phone numbers for assistance, or something. So, are you in Houston, Sacramento, Miami, Chicago???
Tell us how to email you directly. I think the people here will try to help you.
I'm terribly, terribly sorry for your losses and for your pain. I wish there were something I could do ... I've been in some bad places, as well, and I often find that a local park, trail or wildlife habitat is just about the only place that seems beautiful anymore. Even if it still feels painful to breathe, it's nice to know that there are places of just pure good greenness out there.
I agree with the previous poster who suggested telling everyone what part of the country you're in; if we know, we can do online searches for groups that might be able to help you, or recommend local job networking organizations, etc.
Know that we all face adversity in our lives, but only as much as we can handle. This too shall pass. Life gets rough and stays rough until we change what we need to in order to progress spiritually. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. Look at them as lessons that you needed to learn. Your peace comes from within. Find your peace and you can weather any storm.
Something that has helped me, is to find things everyday that you are thankful for. It can be the sunshine, the air in your lungs, the laundry (at least you have clothes to change into).
You are loved and were created from love. Take inventory of all the ways through out your life that someone showed you love. Those are blessings and gifts that were created and done just for you. Focus on the good and you will experience more of it.
Good advice KumariElizabeth...find things you are thankful for! My house is the cleanest when I am the poorist! We all go through the ups and downs of life...and as the saying goes, whatever is 'up' will eventually come 'down'...that's when we have to be the strongest, the most creative. The opposite of LIVE is EVIL...so we have to fight extra hard when 'evil' sets in (loss of job, loss of friends-with the exception of the true evil ones...lol, loss of children, loss of home, loss of ability to sustain)...I've experienced all of the above...and been so low that I actually knew how an earthworm felt...but then I have to make choices...for my own sanity...someone posted earlier visiting a park or outdoors...good advice...best grounding technique there is! Look to your guides or whatever your spiritual beliefs might be...look to nature for signs from your guides...we all have them, and the messages are there to help us...it's very hard to center ourselves in the midst of life's heartaches, to me, that's the biggest hurdle of all, but if you can do that, things will come to you with so much more clarity in order for you to help yourself...and remember too when life seems to be at it's lowest point there is nowhere for it to go but UP!
This is the first time I have ever responded personally on Tarot.com although I like you, have been a member for over two years. I have read your outpouring of feelings and I can tell you that it is much easier to confess your situation to complete strangers who will listen with an open heart because they can not pass judgment on any of your past mistakes unlike many friends and family members. It also means that the advice you receive is not biased either. It makes it easier to listen to the advice with an open heart as well. It’s a good sign that you reached out. Please know that God (the universe, or whatever you believe in) WILL respond to your desire to be whole again. Also know that, I send you my love and prayers (yes, even to a complete stranger). I like many others have been where you are. Not in necessarily the same circumstances but definitely the same state of mind. I agree wholeheartedly with the advice of KumariElizabeth as it was the same way I got out of my depression and I have passed it along to others and it has helped them as well.
The Disney movie “Pollyanna” is my example. When you look for all the bad in your life, you will surly find it as it is there every day. However, so is the good. If you look every day for the good in your life you will surly find it. EVERYDAY! It truly works. It is not even a slow process but may feel like it at first but stick with it and pretty soon you wonder why you never focused on it before. The things you focus on the most come to you.
One additional piece of advice, I do not know if you have heard this before but please get rid of the word NEED. Focus (pray) on your desires, not your needs. It is truly not the same thing. When one asks for needs to be fulfilled, one looks for it to just show up and when it does not happen they get further depressed or an immediate need is fulfilled and they focus on the next and the next and so on. It does not ever end the cycle. When one focuses on their desires, they see the opportunities that are presented to achieve those desires. Everything else falls into place from there.
You are blessed and will continue to be blessed.
All the advice given here is fantastic , I too am a virgo and have been in similar situations so my advice is, sit yourself down and ask (pray) to your angels and guides for help and guidence and it will surely come. Also i also suffered from anxiety etc. I started meditating which really helps calm you down and asked for help from my angels and I have ended up being a healer (reiki) which i recomend to you as it will help with your anxiety and panic attacks and will boost your confidence and make you more positive and help you in lots of ways, you do not have to be a healer but you could go and get some healing of some kind. The out doors is great next time you go out hug a big tree and embrace the energy it is giving to you. Life is always up and down, we learn from our mistakes and bad times. Listen to all this great advice that everyone has given you, our hearts go out to you .I will send you some healing to help you now. Ask for help you will be amazed where you will be in the near future, Love light and blessings to you x
Believe it or not, these very trying times in our lives is what makes us strong and defines us as persons. Life isn't easy...it's a growth experience. You seem to have had more than your share however. I agree with many of the "posts" before mine. You need a network of friends and definitely, try to get into a good church if you are not already associated with one. I pray all the time, in good or bad times. I just have a steady conversation going with God. You might also have a reading done on this website. There are horoscopes, numerology, psychics, etc., available through Tarot.com. I'm quite sure one of them could help you. But do try to have hope in this situation, no matter what! And I am happily impressed with the outpouring and wonderful advice everyone has given you. Makes me feel that this website is turning into more than "just a place to have a reading done" or "find Super KC." Tarot.com is becoming a little family! This is very nice to know!
honey, i have been there. i will remember you in my prayers. God has been good to to me. always keep to heart, that He feeds the sparrows and clothes the lilillies. you are his clild and our Heavenly Father sees your needs. One day i will tell my story. please say to yourself "when i am not in control,God is".PLease LET US KNOW HOW YOU ARE DOING. EVEN THOUGH I DO NOT KNOW YOU I DO CARE.GOD BLESS.
Yes, I agree with "IBELIEVE" on this one. Positive thinking, faith, and gratitude are the tools you must use to turn this around.
When you get a chance, go this web site: http://www.thesecret.tv/ The movie trailer is free to watch, and the movie is $4.95 to watch online.
I am a minister, and I recognize that Jesus himself was the Master Teacher and practitioner of "The Secret". I have a minister's DVD copy that I have all of my counseling clients watch.
It explains how the creator made the planet to work for us, and not against us...through the quantum physics of The Law of Attraction. (And why other tools such as, Tarot, Numerology, and other devinations actually work in helping to guide us.)
If you grab hold of this concept, and use the free daily inpsirational tools offered on the site, you CAN turn your life around for the good, stop being depressed, and be uplifitng to others who are in the same place you are in now.
Wisdom and Blessings to you!
Dear Msissues, I just read your post and want to send you many huge hugs
Yes, you have been through more bad things in life than a person should go through, but you know what? You have found the strength to survive! Be proud of that...very proud!
Now, it sounds like your boys are old enough to take care of themselves so you no longer need to try and work around their school schedules. Have you given your boys the money from the sale? If not, then I would suggest using that money to move to a new town and a better house.
Contact various churches and see if any have support groups to help find a new home/apartment and also if they have public food banks. My mom-in-law is Lutheran and her church has a food pantry twice a week for all in the community, not just Lutherans.
The vampires in your life who used you for your kindness and money....forget about them....I would hope that eventually a few would grow a heart and repay you what they borrowed, but it sounds like that's not likely to happen. Besides, if you invite them back into your heart, chances are they would take from you again as soon as you start to rebuild your finances. See them as mistakes to learn from....lend a shoulder, an ear to their problems, a comforting hug, but be extra careful who you lend money to.
Our economy sucks rocks at the moment, so it may be awhile befroe you can find your dream job (but don't give up on looking!!!), in the meantime, could you apply at any fast food place or gas station, or Kmart/Walmart type places? People will be looking for holiday help and any money coming in will be helpful plus it will get you out of the house and doing this might help with your self-confidence.
No matter what fate keeps throwing at you, never give up! You have made it through so much, so you have a fighter's spirit even if you don not see it at the moment. Take care, find peace in your nature walks, and please let us know how things are going for you.
Okay, I never, ever participate in any online forums, but, your situation is very difficult to ignore. I should warn you up front, I'm a realist. I respect and agree with every person that replied to your situation, but, you are probably still sitting there thinking, that's all great advise and loads of kindness, but I need something more tangible, so here it goes. First of all you do have access to the internet, there are all kinds of programs available to you, government and privately funded. Use your internet TODAY and start seeking out local groups or organizations that can assist you now. If you can prove your neediness to most of these programs there can be an almost immediate response to get you the help you need so urgently. Secondly, it sounds like the children in your life are grown men, yet you refer to them as people who you still need to care for. As a virgo (someone very close to me is also a Virgo) it is in your nature to want to be of assistance to everyone, but you must accept your limitations at this time. Talk to your children, it sound to me like they need to step up to the plate and provide you with some emotional and financial help. Lastly, the library is free and the resources available to you there are unbeleivable. Go to the library and I bet you will find all kinds of local groups that can help you deal with your situation. Also, meditating is a very strong and powerful tool, but, it you have never done it before it can seem overwhelming. Deepak Chopra wrote a book called, The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire, this book changed my life. Deepak walks you through and guides you to a valuable mediation experience. As a Gemini, my mind is constantly in overdrive and I have never been able to achieve the quietness required in my head to successfully meditate, but, Deepak teaches meditation in this book that enables you to focus on all the positive in your life and disgard all the negative. Trust me, go get this book and if Deepak dosen't interest you the library is full of other reading material that can be of assitance to you in obtaining a better state of mind. the only other thing I have to say is, everyone that responded to you are exaclty right, we have all had to overcome adversities in our lives. For some it's money issues, others health, and so on, and so on. One thing I know for sure is, whatever it is we are facing only we can fix it for ourselves. There is no magic that anyone else can perform for us, So everyday when you open your eyes you make a choice, a choice to be the best person you can be and to live the best life you can live. I hope this helps, I too have been exactly where you are and I am living proof that even if you are never money connected again, you can live a magical, appreciative, rewarding life. One other idea is, volunteer at your local hosptal, this will help you meet people and possibly open up some doors of opportunity for you in a job aspect. The medical community is job rich even in these times of economical disaster. There is no greater feeling than when we give a little of ourselves to other's who need us, even when we don't think we have a thing to give. Good luck, start beleiving you deserve the life you want, you will be surprised when you start actualizing your desires through your own will.
I feel your pain I too have gone through difficult circumstances. I've been widowed myself, but have found a wonderful man since. Contact your local churches local food banks, salvation army. Even homeless shelters will help. One thing that I have always depended on was that God always take care of me . You got to remember-when the door is closed always look for an opened window.I believe what hurts us makes us stronger. Have faith in yourself. I've suffered panic attacts, depression ect. But I was so feed-up with it controlling my life that I changed it. LOVE YOURSELF and Take care of you. This will all work out life is harder more for some than others. But there is hope. I will keep you in my prayers. I'm so sorry for your pain. Hey they say it's easier to talk to a stranger than some one you know. Maybe some one here will give you the insperation you need. tracystr
This post is deleted!