Are Soulmates Real? Help!!!
I believe in soul mates. I am a pisces woman and I think a soulmate is everything you see and feel in the other person and they see and feel the same thing too. If he was your soulmate, he would never have left. And you would still be living your fantasy. Pisces don't like to hurt anyone because they know how bad it feels. By living a Harlequin romance those few days, you may have believed he was the one. With your romantic look about love and soulmates, it is beautiful. And someday you will have that. He will probably walk into your door with old greasy jeans and you instead of the full dress and garb that you described, will be in a sweatshirt and cutoffs. You will feel it when it happens. Don't chase what came from a cover of a harlequin romance novel. Good luck to you going on.
i beleive in soulmates, now this may sound a bit odd, but you were most probably in a past life with this person, when he come back to earth you met again, he did what he had to do to finish his connection with you, and now you must finish your connection with he, so you can both move on to your rightful paths, their is a lesson in it for you to learn, ask yourself what am i learning from this, its hard as you have been hurt, but you would not want to go back if that happened youd be hurt all over again, go and see the physcologist and get the assistance you require to help you move onto better things, you met did what you were meant to do and now its time for you to move forward, goodluck and many good blessings ahead for you.
I totally believe in Soulmates. I had a crush on a guy in high school and we went out as friends a few times. But, never dated. I have been married to someone else for 14 years now and have 3 beautiful boys. This person that I had a crush on in high school got back in touch with me in February of this year. He lives in California and I live in Michigan. So, we have not seen eachother since our 10 year reunion. Which was about 11 years ago. However, we have been talking almost every day since he contacted me and I believe that we have a very deep connection. He is in Afghanistan right now. I am going through a Divorce, because I believe that he is my soulmate and I need to be with him.
Two days ago, I was thinking about him all day and fate kept putting his name on my wall in FB. Every time I would refresh my screen, his name would pop up again. It was really quite strange. Then that evening I was typing him a long email and when I was just about done, he called me. I am not sure if fate had stepped in or what. But, I feel like we have this huge connection and I cannot wait to see him when he comes home.
I have had my cards read a few times and she has told me that he is my soulmate and that he is coming home to me. I don't know if he feels what I feel....but I believe that he does.
Anyway, good luck with your situation. I hope that you figure out what it is or is not. I hope that I can as well.
Thanks for all of your input ...Aaradia I would love to get a reading ..I was thinking about asking for a reading on this site, I've found that there is a lot on this site about Dream Interpretation ... but I know I’m not ready for a Psychic reading! ..Katiehicks..Im with you, I’d like to believe Cstar777 is 100% accurate with her Runner explanation when I read it I instantly smiled ..Dotthorey I read about reincarnation before, and can honestly say that, I do believe we have all Been Here Before.. Cslow I have, had a relationship that lasted several years, it was actually, Steamier & more Romantic than a Harlequin Romance, and unfortunately.. Truly Unfortunately…I didn’t believe that I was in love with him.. I was extremely appreciative, but knew I was Not in Love…Hence my question…Why that one short lived relationship, because I’ve had romance & so I know it has nothing to do with me wanting romance, it was even happening when I was in that relationship....I have to believe that there is something more to it! He was born on 2/27 the same day as my father..my mother told me when I was about 10 years old..that I’m my father lil gift because they made me on his B-day..The Pisces and I were born in the same year..which means the day he was born I was conceived & Yes I have thought that maybe me knowing this…has caused this Glich…I think a Dream Interpretation might help -_-
This has gone on the majority of my life, (getting ready to cry) It’s emotional for me..because I have Never understood, there are times that I can hear him calling me and its the worse feeling..(Sounds Crazy Huh)... I Don’t make this the focal point of my life, in fact I’ve moved through out my days, months, life, trying to not give it any thought, Except for the last couple of years the fact hat we’ve spoken a couple times, & him telling me he wanted the same thing as me & then... Nothing…and finding this site, Believing that MAYBE..I can get some answers finally…
I am hoping to get some answers soon. I am going to a girls night out on Saturday and getting my cards read. We will see what she has to say. In my heart of hearts I know he feels the same way about me as I feel about him. We have basically told eachother that without really coming out and saying it.
I think maybe you have a psychic connection with him as I feel I do with my friend. Fate also has a huge part in it.
Hoping to get some answers this weekend...or sooner if I can talk to him again.
you mentioned in one of your writing that you said that he was scaring you with the way he was telling you how he looked, and he said blah whats the point( just a thought) maybe he would want you not to be afraid of what he is saying ,hence that you would except him the way he was, we can never know what another one is thinking, i still beleive that this is over for you and somehow you need to accept it and move on, dont beat youself up over it, but get a dream interpretation and see what it means, the subconcious throws up a lot of things when we are asleep it brings up what we are thinking about real or unreal, write your dreams down and watch for a pattern, you are stuck, but each day is another step forward to journey and acheivement, you willl get thru this
This is what I found about "Soulmates". It made so much sense to me and described everything I felt... Hope this will help you understand... It also emphasizes on the "runners".
Sorry its so long
Soul Mates (Author Unknown)
I believe that many people have difficulty embracing the idea of past lives or in reincarnation. Yet many of these same individuals are determined to find their Soul Mates. If you are of the same mindset as I, then you too will believe that we tend to attract people or partners to us who compliment ourselves in some way. In attracting these people or partners, we attract exactly what we need in order to grow. Very often, what we do not own in ourselves, we will attract from the outside and through others. This will force us to confront that which we do not see or own in ourselves or in our behavior. It may force us to focus on making the changes necesssary for our personal growth. I believe that a Soul Mate can be a man or a woman....it makes no difference. We can have many Soul Mates; not just one, although it is my belief that we only have one Twin Soul. What makes a Soul Mate relationship so special is the ability to immediately and intimately connect on a much deeper level; we perceive in the other that which we do not have, that which we are lacking. Through this type of symbiotic relationship, something wonderful happens. Through this relationship we confront or become more aware of our limitations. This kind of joining transforms the other, and visa versa.
Much has been discussed and written on the topic of Soulmates. Several months ago, after some discussion, a friend sent me a wonderful article on the topic of the Soulmate relationship. It left quite an impression on me at the time and wanted to share it here. If anyone knows who the author is, I would love to know to give proper credit. Here is what was written:
When we are born it begins a journey. Along the way on this long winding path we eventually end up seeking many things. One of which is love. In the beginning, it is from our Mother & Father, then our family, community and so on. Eventually, assuming everything goes right, we begin to find we have a void within us, which other forms of love can't seem to fill.
We have all known loneliness, a dark emptiness within our soul which seems to stretch for an eternity. We feel like we are apart of nothing, just drifting aimlessly upon the sea of humanity with no destination, nor land in sight. At times despair is like our wet clothing as we shiver cold and alone in the darkness. To distract ourselves we dream of "The One" and how they will lift our spirits and take away the emptiness, this absence of life.
For some, eventually someone comes along and brings light to this darkness. But as humans, sometimes we are by this time so starved to be "touched" that we unknowing make compromises which, if we were rational we would not make. Thus the saying. "Blinded by Love ". Because, of these compromises, we may never find our true predestined love.
Many of you now, are not in a "Soulmate" relationship. The truth is you got tired of waiting and you settled for the best "offer" at the time. This was your choice, and now is your Karma. But in your heart, in your soul, you know if someone is your Soulmate, for it goes beyond just love. It is a form of joining.
When you meet your, (SM) this person will have an instantaneous effect on you. A Soulmate is someone who makes your knees go weak and you want to catch your breath. With but a single glance they lesson your burden and but a smile, warms your heart. You will feel a sense of connection ( affinity ) with this person. They will touch you so deeply on so many levels, you will want to share your inner most secrets. For the first time in your life someone will make you feel like almost like a god. Once you have met your (SM) for better or sometimes worse, your life will never be the same.
One of the things which makes this experience unique is the sense of a meaningful spiritual experience. You both feel like this is to be and that you've been together before in a past incarnation. Normally for some, it is several months, weeks or days before physical intimacy (sex) occurs. But when you meet your (SM) something happens, the pull or drive to become physically intimate overwhelms many, and one finds it happening basically in the initial meeting. There's a sense of safety with this person. You knowingly let go of your defenses as an empathic like bond is formed. Unlike other relationships, in the past, there will be no game playing or hidden agendas which plagued you in the past.
Sometimes the best way to find something, is by not looking for it. With this in mind, you probably will meet your Soulmate (SM) when you're not looking. Since life revels in making things difficult, you'll probably meet them in the morning when your on the grave yard shift. For many it will be after a bad relationship or several bad relationships. If you're lucky you won't have to wait until your 50 to meet your (SM). But if you do. well at least you'll appreciate it's significance more, than someone in there twenties. You have had the benefit of experience, the perspective of age and the knowledge, such love is once in a life time.
The point here is "Serendipity", so forget about taking that "Singles" bus tour to the Circus. Sure you'll meet a lot of nice people and perhaps you really should get out, but just be prepared to ..Well, meet some real clowns.
The universe is a funny place, don't be surprised if your Soulmate is older or younger. Soulmate's don't care about age. How much older or younger ? From my observations, expect years like 7 to 20. In a true (SM) relationship it won't matter, if anything it will make you stronger. Life is not neat, nor has it ever been. So why should it start now ?
There is something about the Passion you share with an (SM). It goes beyond just " body parts". For a moment in time you two are the only ones who exist in the universe. Hearts beating in rhythm as your souls have intertwined themselves becoming one. Your personal energies meld and you feel the flame of creation move through you like a wave of the ocean on a hot summers day. Soon you begin to lose track, of where you begin and your partner ends. From within the depths of your raw passionate union, your (SM) will know how and where to touch you. It will be different, intense and more gratifying than lovers of your past.
They will look into your eyes and you will feel your soul open wide. For some people, there is the "Rush". All the love, all the lust, all the need will surge forth from your soul like captives from a prison. At this moment you will know what it means to get lost within someone's eyes. You will experience a touch you have never felt before and your lust will rise to new levels. Often, in the case of true Soulmates, you can get so carried away you can actually hurt yourself. ( I know.. she caused me to pull several muscles one night) But in the end as you lay there, as the warm afterglow begins to fade, you will realize what just happened was not sex. "Sex, simply doesn't feel this good."
To put it simply, your (SM) will be able to make love to you in ways no one else will be able to match.
It is within our nature as human being to fuck things up. The very thing which makes Soulmate love so special, is the one thing which can bring it down. The simple fact is, the unparalelled love & passion is terrifying to many people.
We learned how to have relationships from our parents or primary giver. If your primary givers relationships were dysfunctional, then chances are so are yours. There are many people in this world who in relationships maintain an extreme amount of emotional control. They take pride in the fact that their partner is madly in love with them. By being able to "wrap them around their finger" they feel safer. Thus, all their relationships become based on this pattern. Then one day their (SM) comes along and wham!. Quickly they discover the control over their heart and the relationship is gone. Now they must relate on a level playing field, and for many, they run.
For those of you who are runners let me tell you what you already know. It doesn't work. You can move to the other side of the planet, marry someone else and fill up your spare time with some cause. But the simple truth is, your (SM) will be there in your soul. No matter how hard you try, no matter how busy you make yourself, everyday they will enter you thoughts. So then many try and fuck them out. But that doesn't work either, for it becomes just sex and as you lay there afterwards you will feel empty and cheated.
A good measure of this is a simple test. After you have just made love to the person who you are using as a safe substitute, do you find yourself wanting to "get away" from them? A kind of "Okay, I got off..now get away from me feeling"? This is assuming that you can still get off. In some cases your orgasms are just barely, if you're lucky. When you were with your (SM), didn't you feel the need to remain close, to pull each other tightly and melt into each other? That's the difference....and one which is very hard to hide from yourself.
If you run, then you've made the conscious choice to doom yourself and the other person to be haunted for the rest of your life. Sure, you may eventually fall in love with someone who fits your preconceived image or expectation (cute, rich or successful) of what your partner should be. But as time moves on...you never forget, you always wonder and then you eventually regret. I have a saying:
The Soulmate relationship is worth putting up a fight, but there comes a time when you have done all that you can do..and you can do no more. At some point, the one who runs has to choose to stop and come to their senses. Life is sadly cruel, just as it is grand. Short of burying your child, losing your Soulmate is indescribable anguish.
It is like having your tender soul ripped from your body. You feel lost, abandoned and betrayed. There is a sense of panic which permeates your very being and personal existence. You find yourself saying, "never again". You did something you had never done before, you willingly let another in....all the way.
Eventually, after the shock, the depression comes, then the anger and then you just want it all to end. You wish you could just stop feeling...but you can't. And no matter how much you drink, smoke or eat, you can't make the pain go away. Yes, regular love hurts too..and badly. But when you lose your (SM), no matter how enlightened, wise or talented, in both will and spirit you are...it is devastating.
Many of us sadly, fail to recover and we truly never "Love" again. Those who are really weak, try to kill themselves. Be it with a car speeding on a wet winding road after drinking, or "J" walking on 42nd street, to just taking one too many pills. The end result is the same if we succeed, suicide is suicide whether you leave a note or not.
In the end, we don't even want to see the person, because that just tares open the wound over and over. Right or wrong, that's just the way it is. Eventually, you go on with your life and you stop hating them...because like you...they will never forget either.
Every now and then life gives us a happy ending. Sometimes, after trying to get their (SM) out of their minds, the "runner" comes to realize what they had lost. A few are wise enough to do whatever it takes to correct the situation and get back into their Soulmates arms. Hopefully, not enough time has gone by so that the situation is salvagable. But oftentimes it's not. All I can say is TRY. With Soulmates there is NO pride, and there CAN be forgiveness. We are destined to meet our Soulmate, what you do after that is "your" choice.
We are born into this world alone and we begin our journey. Few are lucky we find the right partner, "The ONE" along the way. With this person we grow, learn and experience the wonders of human existence. They become part of us, as we become part of them. Eventually, our journey must end as we were born to die, alone. But in between these two points we hopefully have learned, experienced and gained some wisdom with the chance to pass it on.
As I walk my chosen path I say to those of you who shall follow me, this is but one part of the road which lay ahead of you.
In my lifetime, I found my Soulmate. I know the joys, the exquisite highs and the sense of oneness, completion and peace. Yet as we turn the coin on the other side, I also know the ongoing torment of losing one. I hope you never have to find out how it feels....to lose part of oneself. But if you do, know this: "You will survive. Your life will never be the same, but given enough time you will survive" At such a moment, you are not able to see that way. Once you do survive, the choices, good or bad, are your responsibility...and life will be what YOU make of it.
The dedication was To: Kimberly....I waited all my life to find you....my Soulmate...and for a brief moment, YOUR thoughts were MY thoughts. MY goals were YOUR goals, YOUR dreams were MY dreams. The love was grand, the passion unrivaled and we both finally felt complete. Sadly for both of us, until YOU put in enough time on this planet...you may never understand the value of what was cast aside.
"Experience is the greatest teacher of all"....
Maybe....my love....we will get it right next lifetime.
Cstar777~ I am speechless...The first thing that comes to mind is that you should post this on a Blog of your own, for ALL TO READ, because I think almost everyone on this website has an issue with someone they love, loved or want to love..I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH....I will say that I intend on copying and pasting this article to have it readily available for those times when I feel overwhelmed...which have become far less intense, since I've been posting on this site...because I Think that I have done all that I can do, and am now willing to let the Universe take over.... I believe that I can contribute this to talking about it..getting it out, because as I've said previously He is my secret.. I hadn't shared my experience, with anyone. for me finding this site, helped me feel comfortable enough to talk about it, and ask for some answers... I would still like someone Knowlegable to interpret these ongong dreams, but I'm not in a hurry.. Thank you THIS FEELS LIKE A GIFT...Thanks cstar777. ..I am so glad that I found you, or you found me...because this is exactly what I needed... The Best of wishes to you and yours...
Kitty, life is meant to learn and move forward. Our spirits can come back time and time again to the physical world to do this, but this doesn't mean your soulmate's spirit will come back at the same time as you do. My soulmate hasn't come back to the physical world in my life time, and yet I am still happily married with the man I love. A soulmate, as the word says, completes your soul. doesn't necessarily a lover. the focus is on the soul, so your soulmate's spirit can take a female form not necessarily male.
the thing is many of us have not got in tune to our psyche, where our spirit resides in connection to the universe. So not everyone realizes their purpose in the physical world, who really love us and we love, and if we do have a soulmate - where and how to find him/her. You believe he is your soulmate but if he doesn't, are you going to spend your life waiting for him until he realizes this? I wouldn't advice that but if that's what you want, I can only say good luck.
I wrote this out a few days ago but I didn’t post it because I didn’t want to presume something to which I have no proof. After reading cstar’s article, I am prompted to post this now.
I believe the man I’m with now to be my twin flame. I have had relationship breakups but nothing was like the pain I endured each and every time we separated. The 1st time we parted I didn’t believe I was in love with him, but it felt like my entire being was being ripped apart. My days would pass through in a fog, and when I got home I would drop to the floor, curl up in a fetal position and sob uncontrollably because my heart felt like it was physically being squeezed from my body. This went on for 3 years. I had forced him to leave and he was so angry with me that I could feel his anger engulf me. I dreamt when he re-married, when he left his ex, death in his family, when he would call or reappear and from his demeanor in the dreams how he would interact with me in real life. I had many dreams where I saw tears running down his face, where I didn’t know how to reach him and many where I would be lost and couldn’t find my way back. His voice would startle me during the night and I would wake up wide-eyed thinking he was in the room. We had no common friends or hang outs but he would spot me at different locations around the city throughout the years. During the times when we were apart I felt like I was just killing time, and it didn’t matter how much I filled my life with activities and other romances, they were mechanical, just killing time. The months/years that we were together were a mixture of pleasure and pain because our emotions and beliefs were turned inside out and everything was raw and exposed. The 2nd time we separated, he went into a depression and I contemplated suicide. All these times he always came back to me, but after the 3rd separation I knew I had to break the cycle and return to him. When I did, I found that he was also breaking the cycle; he had prepared himself to live the rest of his life alone. That was 3 yrs ago; we met 20 yrs ago. When things started to fall into place between us, he quietly said “finally”. I was the “runner”.
Hi kitty, I'm Nahasha
I'm a true Aqurius, I had this same thing happen to me a couple of times in my life. I have learned that some spirits attach themselves to us through other people to connect with us. Some are good, some are bad. Some will get your life all of balance. So what I think you should do is reframe from that person that has you spiritually attached to them in this way Break all contact with them period. Run girl, Run!!!!!
to be soul mates,,,, he would kinda have to agree and he obviously dosnt. piscies is a manipulater an likes nothin better than some one who takes everything he says as truth. i should know, my piscies has had a long history of it,,,, till me that is! it takes an extremely stong mind to counter a piscies,, it dont sound like you got it,, si run and dont look back. if you are ever able to have any sort of relationship,, he will treat u like dirt and degrade u. he will anything u allow him to do.
Aqua/Cstar777 ...I am very moved by your posts, thank you for sharing them in this forum, I to am speechless!
Cstar thank you so much for sharing. I have been dealing with a runner myself for quite sometime. I have been to the horrible depths of devastation from losing what I felt was my twin soul. I can never forget him. He still contacts me from time to time and the pain is indescribable. My friends and family do not understand. I am not a silly little girl chasing boys around I am a very logical minded person who lost someone whos love was so deep and pure I can never be the same. I have learned ways of coping but the pain never stops. i feel like the only way it will is if we are back together again. We met by chance when we were 12 years old. I couldnt stop thinking about him from that day on. He couldnt stay away and still can not. He is a runner and it is so confusing to deal with. I have never felt so close to anyone. All I have to do is look at him and it melts my heart. When we touch its like static electricity all the way to my bones. When we had sex it never was about getting off it was about sharing a closeness with each other that has no comparison to anyone else I have ever loved. He is my heart and once you have your heart there is no going back. I am a hopeless optimistic and I still feel he will be with me again someday. i have chosen to carry on with my life and smile everyday knowing at least I know who my true love is. He knows it too but it is his choice to be with me or not. I could never understand how the mistakes he made were acceptable and forgiven so easy when I wont put up with it from past relationships or even current ones. He is the only one that I truly understand and he is the only one that really gets me. He will find his way back to me when the time is tight and I can feel it drawing nearer. We both had some growing up to do and I feel him all around me lately. I know hes trying to find his way back home to me and he holds the keys to fixing what we destroyed a year ago.
Nahasha, when I read your post…I got Chills, truly This is the very first time this theory has been presented to me and It really gives me goosebumps…So if I get what your saying, Spirits can attach themselves to an unknowing or unwilling person, to Connect with us…Do I get what your saying?? If I did get it right…This theory has fascinated me to a degree because I believe that it May be Possible…and having said that, I wondered if your referring to Spirits of people that are no longer with us??
I wanna say, that I would prefer to subscribe to CSTAR777’s understanding…BUT you never know…thanks your posting it was Food for thought…
OMG THAT WAS A GREAT ?
I needed to add, that I Truly appreciate Everyone’s post AquaBubble, LilCrazy, Lovinmylife & rzh2kh..I wanted to share with ALL OF YOU THAT HAVE POSTED, My own Discovery….Since I have opened up and starting talking about my struggle with this issue, posting on this site… My own relief has been.. just unbelievable, I’ve found that talking about, analyzing it, reading of similar situations, has been Cathartic. The issue itself is less intensive, less of a mystery and More Importantly I know that I am not alone in my feelings… I Thank all of you for sharing and look forward to reading and Healing…
Yes I believe we have soul mates in our lives but....that doesn't mean that person is good for you either. I to had a situation where I met a man and he affected me in ways and levels I had never experienced. And after a couple of years I still think of him and have had dreams but I also know he isn't good for me and I think we often dwell on the intense feelings that we felt. I have come to realize often times we meet these soul mates for many reasons whether it be a lesson in life or other reasons. But my advice is in this situation it may have been to open your eyes that something was missing in the other relationship and it was time to move on.
I have just read every post. I think I've cried through most of it. I know what eachandevery one is feeling and feel it to the depths of my soul. Thank you all for opening your hearts and sharing. I hope we can walk each other through this.
I met my soulmate/twin flame, my everything, a little over three years ago. He's a Taurus, I'm a Virgo. I'm not a high strung, over emotional person (duh...I'm a Virgo!) but the things I've felt, the intense KNOWING with him, was like being hit with a 2 by 4. Everything in that beautiful post about soulmates applies to us. EVERYTHING.
He has dreamt of me, saw my face, everything, since he was a child. He used to draw my eyes from childhood to early adulthood. He said he recognized me the first time he saw me.
Also, wherever we went, people were drawn to us, it was like a spotlight shown us(not something i liked a whole lot considering my reserved, private nature) Being near him, in any way, I felt a peace and excitement at the same time. In 3 years, he never ceased to give me butterflies, the mere thought of him still sends a surge of electricity through my being. And he, as big and manly as he is, still lay in my arms overcome with emotion, breathless with the connection he felt to my innermost being, unabashedly wept with the force of what he felt. Even 3 years later, not one hour could go by without his calling, texting, or doing something to feel close to me when we weren't together.
But, I realize after reading all this, he's a runner. I knew before, I know him so well, that he was a frightened child, too used to losing those he loves(as a child, he lost 3 people very close to him) and was always waiting for the other shoe to fall...
I now see that, being that he didn't even believe in love before me, having been a casual playboy type who always let the women he knew before me know that he wasn't interested in a relationship of any kind and engaged in casual, empty, short term flings, he can't handle this.
The combination of his abandonment issues and his never haven't experienced love, let alone anything as intense as the soulmate, has made him proactive in destroying our relationship. So many people have let him down, or just died(as was the case with those losses when he was a small boy) that he expects me to,as well. Being that he expects me to, any little argument turns into"I knew you would do this, another lesson in my life, etc..."
We are now going on 3 weeks apart because I had a work appointment near his house in which others were running late and he sent me a few texts being sarcastic and/or negative about why they were lat, to which I repeatedly replied that I had no choice but to wait for them and if he had any other productive ideas or comments, I was receptive to hearing them.
After a 2 hour delay, they arrived and the meeting was over in 10 minutes,which astounded him and triggered his "aha, you want to hurt/upset me" mechanism, causing him to come to the brilliant conclusion that I had somehow done something with how I was relaying the information about how this appointment was progressing to upset him so he could get mad, say or do something wrong, and I would have an excuse to leave him. Needless to say, I was cross eyed with frustration by then.
Still, we had planned to spend the rest of the day together and I was willing to talk about it calmly and move on.
Remember, I was 2 blocks from his house(which is a 20 minute drive from mine)
Instead of meeting me as we planned earlier, or even calling me to talk, he sent me a text. It said "drive safe." I was shocked. Then hurt, then offended, then infuriated.....you get the picture.
He texted me the rest of the afternoon and into the evening, A lot more of the"how could you do" stuff he pulls out of thin air when he acts like an irrational, scared child. I continuously responded with reason and logic, which tends to make him grasp at more straws because he just hasn't gotten to the point where he can look at what and why he's sabotaging himself, his relationships,and US.
Its not him, its everyone else. Especially me. Because he loves and needs me most and like his parent, his beloved aunt, etc who died when he was a boy, something is going to take me away too. Subconsciously, he IS that something.
In the past, knowing this,and loving him too much to ever be able to describe, I have always been the one to put pride and hurt aside. I have always gone to him and made things right. In talking to him, he sees his mistakes, apologizes with his whole heart, and sincerely, deeply regrets what has passed.
And he is so grateful that I love this much, never to abandon him, never to give up on him. This is the vicious cycle we are now in. The more he loves me, the more scared he gets, the more he feels inadequate. Its "too good to be true" so he seeks some reassurance.
The first 2 years we didn't have this problem. It was only after our first big fight, when he KNEW in the first instant he was very wrong and I forgave him despite his being sure I wouldn't. It stunned him and he felt, for the first time that I was completely committed.
And that has become the heartbreaking. If I show any displeasure.... Or if we have any disagreement "aha, you don't WANT to love me so you're picking a fight so you can feel justified leaving me.
"Then, when I go running back to fix things, "aha, you DO love me. You ARE committed, everything is going to be ok...."
Really, I feel like I should BE committed....in an institution.
He needs to grow up and learn to face and DEAL with his fears. He won't do it if I keep assuaging his hurts. The problem is, he has to see that for himself and, in his scared, broken soul, if he admits his wrongs, then he isn't deserving of love,or at least I won't want him.
He is the love of my life. He is my very soul. I suffer more with every second we are apart. There is no describing aching, hollow, agony that I live with everyday. I can barely breathe.
If you read this whole thing, thank you. I felt I owed it to all of you who so generously shared your hearts to share mine. It isn't something I normally do, but here we all. Let's get through this together the best we can.