~Lost and confused...

  • I am a Pisces, I was married to a Leo and though every thing was great, until I discovered she wasn’t. Even after I had changed my dreams, desires and goals through life because she changed so drastically those aspects that I fell in love with as well as more than 3 career changes I discovered she was having an affair. Well 3 separations, 2.5 years of counseling and a whole lot of wasted time and money later we finalized the divorce. I am almost 42 years old and have came to the conslusion that men/women will never understand eachother so dont bother trying just focus on what you can and do dunderstand and dont sweat about what you cant, its a lost cause and my 104 year old great grandfather said the same thing. Now its been over 8 years since final separation, I find myself in another predicament that could lead me down a similar path. After I went through the “I hate women” phase and swore off any relationship other than friendship and physical I even messed up 2 or more real good possibilities of a long term partner I am somewhat lost. I relived my 20s in my 30’s after the divorce and becoming child free half the time, and during this time, I met someone who was very similar, she was sick of men unless it was a friend or strictly physical attraction and we both were good friends but this relationship took on a life of its own, It changed us both, we got to a point that we were reconsidering our friend/physical rule, we began to care much for one another, we ended up spending more time together and more time on the phone with each other when apart. We even went through a 3 day period when I brought up the possibility of being exclusive to one another and having part of that as her moving in. We talked a lot on the phone and in person for 3 whole days on the pros and cons; we confided that we had been in fact exclusive to one another for quite some time already, me, for close to a year, her for 6-8 months. Now, it’s a little more than a year later, In short as I said, we both have our issues and things about each other we would like changed or to stop but nothing that I feel is grounds to destroy us, from her though, I sense a different feeling that unless she or I change its not going to work attitude. I do try and change the things that I can and feel I should or feel I will because they are not that big of a deal to me, I do tell her that hey, that is me, that is part of me I am almost 42 years old and that’s not going to change but maybe I can alter how I do or handle it so that It does not bother you “her” as much. And for the most part those issues are not critical other than the above comment at this point. At any rate she moved in a bit more than a year ago, other than her spending a night or two at her parents, grand parents or going out of town for a week for a funeral we have not been apart. I have become what I think dependent upon her as I was with my first wife; that made that divorce a very bad situation and I was not good until a year or two afterword. At any rate, as I mentioned I met this new person and it was strictly friends with benefits for over 3 or 4 years, then the commitment, now, she has a bit of a problem with the law stemming back to when she was a minor and they have mandated that she serve 60 days in a live in co-ed detention center, with no contact other than letters to the outside world for the 1st 30 days. It’s been 3 weeks and a day as of today, I have written her 9 times and sent flowers and chocolate to her on our 1 year anniversary since she was gone during it. She has only sent me two very short letters, less than a page. I understand that she is probably watched with a fine tooth comb and is stressed enough as it is but I did visit her once and felt like she was being somewhat distant but perhaps that was due to the situation and her not wanting them to know that I was attending an open public meeting there only to see her. She did sneak off and displayed great affection for a few moments, not enough considering. I wrote her a letter today but have been feeling that maybe I should stop until we get a chance to talk more or until she reads the letters I’ve sent and answers some of the many questions I have asked her. She has been able to sneak the phone and call me momentarily 6-8 times already but only talks for a few minuets (less than 4) and usually is just asking me to send or bring her stuff a quick I love you and by. A few times just a quick hang up, probably I am guessing because a staff member is showing up. One time we did speak for 40 min and it was wonderful, I saw her once and it was tough to leave and tough for me a few days after word. I get to see her tomorrow for an hour and tentatively for a dance at the facility this Friday for Halloween. I actually had to ask if I was invited or not and she said yes if I wanted. I am just so confused, so scared to be hurt again scared of a lot. Se women need to realize a few things, first off men in general are insecure of something or another, it might not be a relationship or the person’s ability to be faithful it could be something entirely different or related, perhaps insecure of men around their girl and how they will act, say or do. For the most part in this situation we both she & I were from divorced parents, we both have been cheated on by past spouses and we both are insecure of each other to some extent, not good, but perhaps this is the test to bring us past that. As for a female, all she has to do is spread her legs, not much work in finding some physical play time for the female where as a male we have to work for it, some it comes easier than others, some it takes a bit and sometimes sacrificial desires are mane in order to make it happen sooner than later. The fact that I was cheated on several times by who I thought was my soul mate a person I changed everything about me for in far too many ways. This new person, the Scorpio is even better than the 1st, young, sweet, friendly, kind and caring to people that have even screwed her over big time, it amazes me, because I cut those kinds of people off. She has done thing for me even my first wouldn’t, she takes care of me like a baby when I am sick, she is everything I ever wanted and then some, I feel so lucky that I’ve met her and she is with me but due to the current situation I am scared, more so than what I imagined I would be and I know she is having the same feelings. In my letters I have written to her with every effort to make her believe otherwise, she is everything to me I could have never believed I would find someone like her and more so someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life and be buried next to aging. In reading the post here I also though I would put in a little insight, insight on a few basic general topics on what most men think and or would like. First off Sex, Yes, Sex is 1/3 of the relationship and love but a man looks at sex more like having to go to the toilet, its something we have to do, a fluid release that must be taken care of to some extent one way or another. We also like hearing we are love as well as showing us, some not all of us would like flowers once in a while or some small loving gesture gift, even if it to just walk over and take our shoes off or rub our back neck or head, I love it when I get home from a long day at work and she takes my shoes off and lays down next to me sitting up watching TV with her head on my chest. No gesture say I love you more than that and not a word even needs to be spoken. Men are insecure about something, at least half are probably insecure about our partners faithfulness, remember women don’t need to do anything except show up in a public place and it will happen with little to no effort, men though, have to work for it. If every woman/girl would realize this and apply it I feel both sides will be much happier. As for me now, I am just confused, what can I do to assure myself of her being faithful and true, what steps, questions or actions can I take without sounding or coming off insecure or leading to the issue. Is this just a test and the start of a new beginning or the beginning of the end? I get to see her tomorrow and on Friday at a dance at the facility, next week is her b-day, do I do anything, get her something and save it for when she gets a pass for a day the following weekend, do I still write. I am looking for any input, thoughts or suggestions from anyone.

  • You obviously love this woman..... Try and remember she committed to you a year ago as she probably felt the same things you do! I am unsure of what a co-ed detention centre is but I am sure it is NOT fun - or the place for s3x...... You need to keep busy during this time doing things you like to do and you will make the time pass.

    Have some faith in your new partner as she is going through a hard time with this too.... Wait until you can speak to her about everything you have been going through and you might just be surprised at what you hear back.... As you expressed you were when you first developed feelings for this woman. And try not to project what happened with you past marriage effect what you have with this new woman - she has been through the same thing and has past hurts too - if she is not allowed to have contact with you for the first 30 days and she has contacted you in this time then she is obviously still thinking about you... It is not yet 30 days - wait until after that time has passed and see what happens then.... It might surprise you 🙂

    I think it will all turn out ok 🙂

  • Ok no offence, but it is not that easy for women to pick up men. It has to do with alot more than just spreading our legs. Also, You love this woman, Right? So what are you waiting for? She has been put in the same position as you have and even though you've had your days you both came out ahead. By the way, how old is this woman? And just because she is in a detention center doesnt mean that she is having second thoughts about your realationship. She is just busy and it cant be easy for her to be able to talk to you about feelings or anything intamate or personal when she constantly has people breathing down her neck. So just relex, take a deep breath and let go of your worries. She loves you, and it will work out in the end

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