Escape to madness!!! should I stay or should I go?

  • Seperated for two years now...having problems getting my divorce (working on it)...and love a married man... so stupid don't u think? lived abroad with my ex-husband for 11 miserable in a place I never liked and with a man I never loved ..totally different in personality than me and 12 years elder than me... unpatient..nervous..greedy..selfish...insane!!! people see me "thanks god" successful, pretty and so out going.. have so many friends and loved from everybody... they see me smiling all the time and they don't know how sad and frustrated I am!!! when I came back after working abroad after seperation I decided that I want to live the way I want.. I want to do the things I never had the chance to do when I was a teenager or after I got married... I started going out and I met a lovely person so outgoing... kind.. loving.. charming.. interesting.. (but extremely jealous & possessive) and gave me the life I have always been dreaming about..unfortunately.. never cared about whether he is married or not because simply I got into this relationship to have fun (which is not really me I'm the serious type).. enjoy my time and forget about my problems..and what made this relationship to go on was that this man has so many problems with his wife...he is escaping from an extremely unhappy life known to everybody close to his family...the problem of him not leaving his family is that he himself was raised up with his father seperated from his mother and he doesn't want to bring up his kids the same way he was brought up... and he believes that kids should be with their mothers and he can't give up his kids!!! he is a good after we have been together for a year and a half.. I started to be more see that this is the worst situation that could happen to anybody... I am deeply in love with this man and I know that he loves me too... I feel lonely most of the time because he spending most of his time with his family... I feel bad about steeling him from his wife... I feel bad for myself because I deserve a more stable life away from problems..also that I always have to be second..because I know that I am not giving myself a chance to meet anyone (and there are others more serious and ready for a serious commitment).. tried to end up this relationship several times but just can't...I clearly see the dead end but can't leave! actually I'm trying to leave but don't know how? should I stay or should I go? they say true love never comes except once in a life confused );

  • Hello nnina,

    Search your heart. You already have all the answers deep in your heart. You probably just do not want to be honest about it.

    You already know all the potential and beauty that you do possess. You know that you deserve true happiness and a full life. You were brave enough to leave one unfulfilling life in search of one that is full and happy. Instead you have trapped yourself into another life that cannot possibly be everything that you want. Everything that you deserve. Even in a best case scenerio. (Can you even define a best case scenerio for your current situation?) Anyway, even in a best case scenerio, I suppose that would be him leaving his wife and breaking up his already unhappy home so that he can be with you, you probably will not feel the contentment and happiness that you seek. You youself say that you will always feel guilt or shame for breaking up his home, and you will always have to share him with his current life. That is a best case scenerio. Can you ever be happy in your current situation? Is it what you sought out to find when you left your last unhappy life?

    It is up to you to decide, but it seems that your quest is not yet over. I doubt that you will find what you truly seek in your current situation. But it is not me that can make that determination. You have to seek your own heart to determine what you must do to find the happiness that you seek.

  • Hi, I suggest that you talk to a member of clergy. Not that you are a awful sinner, but they can offer encouragement in a way that others can not. Also, find something that you are interested in and pursue it. I think you should look for someone who is not married. I think that if you do, you could get your mind off the married man. Sometimes we have to admit to ourselves that what we are doing is wrong and how we are going to take action to change it. Also, you have to be realistic. He is the one that has to ask the question, should I leave. He is the one who is in a committed relationship. The way I see it is he is holding the cards and obviously there is no Plan B. He would still have a lot of the same baggage if he did leave. And would you really want to be there planning a separation--maybe. These are some things to think about. It's not really a separation between he and his wife. It's between he and the family.

  • Hi there,

    It took you 12 years in a unhappy marriage to finally break free of it and start being happy again. Firstly, I have to say good on you for having the courage to do that and change your life so you could be happy. You then went and met a married man who is obviously committed to his family.

    You said that in the beginning it didn't bother you that he was married as it was just a bit of fun for you. Unfortunately though, you fell in love with this man and that's where it starts to get very messy.

    He has his cake and is eating it too. He does hold all the cards. If he is in such a horrible marriage himself then he owes it to himself and his children to get out. But from your post he doesn't see that as an option. My need to get out and find true happiness. You will never find it in this relationship, especially when he is living another life with his family.

    You owe it to yourself to be truly happy. You have wasted a year and half in a relationship that is clearly going to go no where. From what you have typed, you already know that though. We all deserve to be happy and if you dig deep, I think you already know what the right thing to do is.

    I know that it is easy for me to write this but for you to do something about it is a lot harder, especially if you are truly in love with this man. You need to look at the big picture. Where do you see yourself in 5 years time. Are you going to be happy with this situation as he has obviously made it clear that he is not going to leave his family.

    It's a horrible situation to be in and I truly feel for you. You know in your heart what the right thing to do is. I hope it all works out for you and that one day you will finally find true happiness. Don't ever compromise that.

    Good luck and take care.

  • I have oftened wondered where that saying came from - about love only coming once in your life. Really, I don't believe that AT ALL. I've had true-being-in-love three times (not all led to marriage). I was involved with a married man when I was 20 and it was a blast. We got married, had a beautiful son, and got divorced. IT WAS MORE FUN BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED and I knew I shouldn't have married him, that it wouldn't work but .... oops! The things we do for love. ANYWAY, I truly believe (a couple decades later and happily married for 22 yrs to someone else) that if something doesn't feel right then it isn't right. I understand the reasons he says he's staying with his family but I come from a home where my parents stayed together "for the kids" and all 4 of us wished they'd have gotten a divorce - long story! So my advise to you is just quit the relationship cold-turkey. You sound like you have a lot going for you and that you will move on.

  • Your quotes...."people see me as "thanks god" successful, pretty and so out going.. have so many friends and loved from everybody... they see me smiling all the time and they don't know how sad and frustrated I am!!! ...... " "when I came back after working abroad after seperation I decided that I want to live the way I want.. "

    Appears you started but hit a road block on giving yourself permission to live your life as YOU chose - (You want to do the things you never had the chance to do. )

    You found an "extremely jealous & possessive love" - & and he "gave you the life you have always been dreaming about..".....& was "a lovely person so outgoing... kind.. loving.. charming.. interesting"....

    WHY is it that you can't give Yourself the life you have always wanted? Does it depend on money? ...Was he sharing or did he just enjoy the initial fun and loved you listened to his pity story? ??? What part of you did he satisfy? Was it this "openess? The unbrideled sharing of his unhappiness that made you fel close to him?? Did you think you could save him and "make him" happy ? 'Poof!' with your smile?................."got into this relationship to have fun (which is not really me I'm the serious type).. enjoy my time and forget about my problems"...also said "he is escaping ".... and " not leaving his family" ..."raised by his father, seperated from his mother and he doesn't want to bring up his kids the same way he was brought "...

    HE needs to heal that - you can't undo his past. AND as another said - Many do fine with 1 parent...Perhaps he thinks his wife is a great Mother - bad lover / intimate partner? Maybe he wants both of you - a total package scripted just for his personal needs.

    Help him grow - That's the most you can do - Be definite in YOUR needs - KNOW what YOU need, then see if he walks or stays.....(he may just go on to another that can forfill what he desires - May not be about you or the "us" he is with you - only about him?)But YOU need only to be sure of what your needs are in the relationship.

    Isn't it time you began giving to yourself - and developing without being in the shadow?

    "I feel lonely "...."I feel bad " x 2 , & ..."have to be second".."tried to end up this relationship several times but just can't..."..."don't know how?".........."true love never comes except once in a life confused "...........

    .Any relationship ended, brings sadness and a type of space that feels empty. (Birthing is not easy business for the child or Mother- but necessary. ) Being in lust, giving of oneself, feeling you are important by helping someone - all are easier than dealing with and loving yourself ...Start with making yourself whole and discovering your needs of your life ...then find space for another than is secure and free. And P>S> A growing person will always find others to love - as they grow and "become" they will change circles, desires, unless you are over 80 and have a fatal illness, your life is still developing and you can choose to grow through these experiences. No matter how much sadness and empitiness you may feel for a tempory month or even longer (or shorter), move on....

    I send all of these words with kindness..........and wishes for your happiness.

  • Out of my experience which is nearly like yours, I advise you to give him up. I’m sure that he does not have problems with his wife, he is only using this DVD to make you feel sorry and pity for him. To give himself an excuse in front of you for not getting engaged. Even if he has problems with his wife they might not be so serious to search for another alternative. WHO DOES NOT HAVE PROBLEMS WITH HIS/HER WIFE/HUSBAND???. He wants to love and be loved. Even if he will marry you, you will be always the fourth priority in his life. Would you accept that, especially after your 12 years of suffering (as mentioned by you). You deserve better, you need settlement and security and you will never find them with this man. By the way do you have kids from your separated husband?

  • My husband, kids and I have been through this.......The realization that just might help you here is it's not all about you.

    Step outside yourself and know that whatever "problems" he and his wife are having are between them. They may choose to resolve their conflicts or resolve the marriage but your energy does not belong between them. It's not fair to you, to him, to his wife, to his kids, or to future generations, for you and him to continue on this way.

    Is this the legacy that you want to leave? Is this what you dreamed would be your contribution while here? It's not about being self serving. Your actions affect more than just you and more than just this time and place.

    Choosing to please yourself over others is deceptive. You may think this is what you want, that these things/person will bring you joy, and that once in a lifetime love. But is that what you feel? Do you feel happy?

    Why would you intentionally choose someone who is unavailable? Maybe because you are more afraid of being the vulnerable wife, than you are of being the lonely mistress. This way you are the pursued, the forbidden, the unattainable and it's "safe" for you. You have more "power" this way.

    Can you love a stranger(his wife, kids) enough not to hurt them? not to cause them any more pain? Can you love them enough to choose their well being over your fleeting emotional gratification?

  • WOW...and I thought I was the only one dealing with this type of situation.

    Hi. I couldn't help but let you know that I relate to you in your situation because I am going thru the very same thing in my life.

    It's a rough road not knowing where it will begin or even end.

    It's an emotional battle with yourself and with him and you wonder if the rollercoaster ride is worth all the trouble??

    Its a difficult decision to make because you are so in love with this man...

    I wish you all the best and luck because I am traveling the SAME road you are on and it isn't easy...

    Bless you

  • I think what I will say may be a bit conterversial. i believe that any 2 adults can concent to any terms in a relationship. This is not a conventional relationship most wouldn't be able to accept it (myself included) but it's one that the two of you understand. Should you decide to stay these are the terms you established in the beggining. You know he will not leave his wife, and if he does he will devastate his children and they (especialy girls) will hate you. if you want to contiunue in this relationship that is your perogitive, but you will never have a family with this man. If you want to stay embrace the terms of your relationship as they problably won't change. As for the one true love, Do you really think this is it? If so nothing or noone will come between the special times you share. And the reasons he stays with his wife are not just for the kids but because he owes her , he made a commitment to her, and problalby still loves her. Most guys who cheat lie, and who'd be honest about wanting to have their cake and eat it too.

  • Hi nnina,

    Firstly, please pick yourslef up from the floor upon which this guy has put you. YOU are not breaking up his happy family. HE IS. If he had any respect or love for his family he would have had the decency to wait until they were grown. or at aleast take responsibility for his actions. I'm sure if you actually asked for anything from this guy What I am sure of, is if you did his true feelings will show. I found myself in a similar position many years ago, I wore the same blinkers. If he needs a councellor he should value his predicament and go pay for one. Do not load his baggage into your sack. Do your self a favour get out of self sacrificing mode and love yourself. You make you happy, dont rely on anyone else to do this for you, when you do you will find people will treat you with the respect and love you deserve.

    Let it go, If he's worth your time and effort he'll make the effort with you.

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