How Do I Know
I have been involved with this guy since May 2007, yet we have never called ourself anything more than "feel-good-friends." He left in April to go work in another state and since then has called me regularly (every day or almost every day) and has talked about returning here and staying with me for a couple of weeks and we would "talk and see where it goes." I've known that he would have to go to CA for a short time after leaving where he was at to resolve a situation he wants out of his life and to visit with family, but since returning almost two weeks ago he has only called me once for an extremely brief conversation and during that time sounded closed off, not the openness that I had gotten used to. I'm beginning to wonder if all of the things he told me before were a lie and if I'm a fool for believing in the possibility of him and I. How can I tell if he was just playing a game from loneliness or if he was sincere. Everyone that knows us says we acted and looked like a couple even though we weren't and that he is in love with me but scared. I don't know what to believe or what to do and I don't trust my own instincts on this since they have been wrong in the past.
"How can I tell if he was just playing a game from loneliness or if he was sincere"
Why don't you call him and ask him...?
He can provide you better answers than anyone here...
Well, if you all are accustomed to calling yourselves feel-good friends, then I don't really see where he is leading you on. It sounds like he is busy both emotionally and otherwise right now. I don't think you have a lot of control over that right now. My advice is to keep him as a friend, but don't put a lot of stock in it--right now. I would try not to get to emotional or intimate w/him. That's a good way to avoid hurt. Give him time to express himself. I wouldn't put any stock in it until he does.
I guess I should clarify a little bit, he left in April but we were roommates prior to him leaving. We moved into the same house in October and then in February he moved into my bedroom with me. Things became extremely intimate after that and even though he never said we were dating or committed to each other everyone else thought we were a couple. He told me that he has never shared a bed overnight with another woman until me. In his sleep he would reach out and wrap his arms around me and if I would try to get up he would lock his arm down like he was afraid of me leaving. He would finally loosen his grip when I could get him to understand that I would be back and when I would come back to bed he would reach for me and pull me to him. While he was gone our conversations became more frequent, longer and personal. There have been hints that maybe he was considering something more than friendship, comments here and there. He has a past history of bad relationships and equated the word committment to mean cheating and lyng. He told me that he would leave it up to me as to how and what I wanted to do with my life while he was gone and that we would see when he got back if he liked my decisions or not. Amongst other things. Until he returned to CA he was very open and sharing in our conversations, calling me almost daily and since returning to "civilization" as he calls it has only called me twice both very brief calls and he was not the same on the phone with me in his tone, words, or comments as he was before. I don't know if he was just passing time with me out of boredom or if all of the hints and innuendos were really meant to mean that we would explore a future together or at least the possibility of something more concrete or if I should just conisder this time and those calls a sort of game a release from the boredom so to speak. I will keep him as a friend, I just wish I knew what was really going on in his mind and heart. I have asked him, but that is not something he is accustomed to sharing with anyone let alone someone he has any kind of a relationship with. So many things he did with me he told me were out-of-the-ordinary for him and were firsts but does that really mean anything at all. He has told me that he won't tell me what I mean to him that he won't give me that "power" over him and yet I don't know if I should stay or go when it comes to more. I love this man and don't want to walk away if there's a chance that he could be considering more, but I am also tired of crying "silent tears."
Be happy with YOUR life....don't hold your breath on this one...unless YOU are feeling lonely and want companionship. I have found that it is best to ask the hard questions....then you can get together or just move on!!! People that have been hurt have REAL problems with trust and intimacy....so, if YOU think he is worth spending the time to get to know better...then go for it! If NOT ....then move on and enjoy your life no matter what!
Could be he cares for you deeply - but must say "doubtful" from your description. It's been over 10 days since your last post - so perhaps you are feeling better informed now? For me, there has only been 1 relationship i have walked away from and regretted for years - but with age, came wisdom. It wouldn't have worked and would have taken me too many years to get past some of his closedness that would pop up. I would have spent too much time trying to encourage his growth - and he wasn't as interested in growing. Instead I decided to "get on with it" and took another path. I found Mr. Right (but had many Mr. Wrongs) & often thought I would never get over the hurts, but found strength each time - while developing into me -
You appear to be on a stelular path and asking these questions of yourself is reasonable. In the end - Realize if it's meant to be - it will be ....Meanwhile, don't let this drag on too long. Be good to yourself! Pat yourself on the back for doing the thinking you have done and the reasonablness of your thoughts - then, if necessary - move on....With kindness and love I send these thoughts.
"He has told me that he won't tell me what I mean to him that he won't give me that "power" over him..."
It sounds to me as if he's afraid. Perhaps that 'other situation' wasn't 'resolved' cleanly, and he doesn't want to admit that (which he will have to do if he sees you, since he led you to expect that from him). Or, he could be afraid that _you've changed, or that your feelings for him have, since he was away. He sounds like the kind of man who needs to be sure of his place and of his partner, but can't or won't trust either one, especially if they are out of his sight. That's understandable, if he's been betrayed in the past, but such a past doesn't give him permission to assume the worst - not unless he has good reason to.
If you love him, tell him that! Be honest with him, because that's what he needs from you first, and maybe even more than, love. Have the courage to tell him clearly what kind of relationship you hope to have with him. If you don't, you aren't being true to either one of you.
And good luck!
Other people around me say he is afraid as well partly because he's not sure he knows what love is. My sister says you can tell in the pics of him and I that he loves me and everyone else has said the same thing. I mentioned to him a couple of days ago when we talked that it was starting to become obvious that he wasn't coming back here and he got very upset with me, but still continues the same way of being. I have decided that I love him and myself enough to let him go no matter how much it may hurt me; but in the end I think it is the kindest thing that I can do and hope that if it is meant to be then it will. It doesn't stop me loving him just the hoping and wanting of something he appears to not be able to give of himself right now. Maybe by doing this he will realize that he doesn't want to lose me and maybe he won't. I've spent a long time learning to love myself and realize one thing from all of the responses, I'm not showing myself love if I allow myself to remain in this inner turmoi. Time will tell if it was right or wrong, but I know this I will never regret the time I had with him or the things we shared.
I suggest too that you talk directly to him. One thing you have to understand, if he chose to leave you in such a way, so he is not a responsible person, he escapes from his responsibilites. He said he will be visiting you and clarifying things, if there is no unexpected reason to prevent him from doing this, so let go. Believe me if he does not deserve your love and attention, cut it short or else you will suffer later as you will be the one to run after him and sacrifice for nothing. If he really loves you and wants you he will come back to you no matter what has happened.
I don't mean to sound blunt, and pls don't take my comment as such, I only want to encourage you...with that sayed...
With age does come wisdom as Magicaliam has stated, and I will inform you that with every relationship you endure, you will either learn from it and/or continue the cycle until you have learned the needed lesson. Think of relationships as stepping stones if they never last. Learning and gaining wisdom from them until you find the one that does, and that one will be a partnership relationship.
What I've learned is that woman tend to want to nurture every man when it comes to relationship's, (and believe me there is a positive nurturing and a negative nurturing), when in turn, woman need to nurture themselves in order to bring the positive to a relationship, The same goes for men, if they are positive, happy men in their life, with no added baggage from previous relationship's and/or have worked completely through these obstacles to be a happy, loving person again, then two people can have a wonderful fresh start in a relationship. However, if one of them has pain, baggage, lack of confidence, all negative points in their personalities, then the other person will have alot of heartache trying to figure them out, emotionally draining their every source, becoming weaker themselves as everyday passes that they continue holding together single-handedly the relationship on their own...because the other person is too weak emotionally to bear such a responsibility at that time, when he is incapable of loving himself. Which you were fully aware of when you both got into the relationship from the start regardless if u'r friends and/or lovers only.
Your friend sounds like the latter. He sounds like he needs alot of work, work that you are incapable of changing in him. He needs to work on these issues in his own time. You need to love yourself enough to step away and allow him the time to work on these issues. That is LOVE. Sacrifice is sometime the hardest thing to do, but again, as someone else mentioned, if it is meant to be, it will be... and not by your forcing him to change because you need him too. He probably recognizes that in himself, that he can't be what you need him to be at this time. But he also cannot expect you to wait around for years, unhappy, crying, etc for his affection and direct drive to kick into action finally and treat you the way you want to be treated. Hun, enjoy the time you had with each other, you needed him, which is obvious in your need for him to respond in the way you want him too. You need to be needed, and he needed to feel needed too, and you both did get that with each other. But love yourself first enough to step away and find you. What are you really seeking in a man, write it down, and ask yourself this; is this man ready, able, and willing to give you all these things right now! Has he spilled out his undying love and affection for you and has acted on it? I think we know the answer to that question, for you wouldn't be here asking for help, right? You need to be honest with yourself, if he is not, then you need to look at why YOU need him so much. Maybe it's a learning curve for you to gain understanding into "youself". How can you be not so needy and become more acquainted with your own needs and loving yourself first. You don't need a man to make you happy. You need you to make you happy, then you will meet a man who doesn't need you to make him happy, but that he will be happy within himself. Then you will have an amazing relationship bringing two happy, functional people together. This will be your strength within your union.
Right now all you have is worry, indecisiveness, lack of repect, a wish/hope that things will work out. But make sure your prepared for alot of hard work that may exhaust you to the breaking point of ending it with him anyways when all the drama unfolds. Somehow though, we always seem to want the forbidden fruit (the one we can't have). Good Luck Hun.
Very well written Messanger... It really hits home. Thanks
I only want to help people recognize that life is about learning, and growing...no matter u'r age. We are suppose to evolutionize over time to a higher plateau of thinking, loving, reasoning, gaining self control, compassion, sypathizing, forgiving etc. in a way that is beyond the human way of thinking/reasoning. Seeking to be like the image of God himself...don't succumb to the negative forces/influences in life which are trying to permit you/everyone from rising above to a different but wonderful state of conciousness.