Cancer men..... what do you mean??

  • Thank you to everyone who has been so helpful and supportive on here 🙂 I definitely understand where everyone is coming from, and Brian has definitely been amazing!

    He hasn't responded to me yet. I don't know if he will. But I feel as though if he doesn't, that would be a serious slap in the face. He should have the decency to text me back, even if it isn't a positive response. Making me wait like this is really not fair, I've been on edge all day, and though I've tried to not think about him and try to put it out of my mind, it's been extremely difficult 😞

  • Aquariangrl,

    If he does not respond, or responds later this week, take it as a blessing, not a slap in the face. If his "time" is to valuable for you, then you my dear, are way too good for him.

    Let me tell you a little story. A friend of my dad's had lent this guy $100, and the guy keep avoiding my dad's friend. So, my dad's friend is all p i s s e d off, and says to my dad, "I wanna do this and that to the guy he lent the money." My dad told his friend that "the price he paid to get this guy out of his life was cheap". "For $100 dollars", my dad told his friend, "you will never have to see his cheap, miserable a s s again." Think about it.

    Another story, and one you can apply to getting a mate. William F. Buckley, Jr., the founder of National Review magazine was asked what he saw as the key to making his magazine successful. He replied, "getting people smarter, and more talented than me to work for me". Think about that one a little also. You are not rescuing an abused puppy, you are looking for a partner.

  • BrianTristan:

    I know where you're coming from, and I appreciate the great responses you've been giving me. They've definitely helped me put things into some sort of perspective. But since he hasn't responded, part of me is thinking he hates me, he's blowing me off, he doesn't care at all, he thinks I'm crazy and just generally nobody important. And then a small part of me thinks maybe he's taking his time to answer to think about what he wants to say cause he might care even just a little bit. I don't know. Now I think he really doesn't like me and was just screwing with my head all along. But he told me he's not that type of guy, and anyone I ask who is his friend says he's the sweetest guy and doesn't play girls that way. But his close guy friends also say he's "really weird with girls."

    ???????? I'm so confused.

  • Aquariangrl,

    : ( Listen, most of us have been there before, and we all know this is hard and it hurts. But sometimes when you get hurt before anything has really happened or began, it ends up being a blessing.

    Let me address a few things here, someone who is "really weird with girls" is someone you do not want to be involved with, because it means they do not know what they want, at all. That could span the continuum from they are just immature to they are a closeted repressed homosexual. Who knows what it is, because they do not know what it is, or will not acknowledge what it is.

    You may be confused, but you have done that to yourself, it stems from your emotions, and that is perfectly normal. He did not play you, so count your blessings, he has sent you mixed messages, but without your attraction to him, you would have just let that one roll off your back. You have no reason to feel guilty, or crazy, or this "generally nobody important".

    The last one bothers me a great deal, makes me want to find out where you are at, and come take you out to eat, and have a long talk. How horrible you think that, you a real genuine person, on a college campus full of poseurs and wannabes, and you think you could be "generally nobody important"? Shame on you. You are a wonderful person, and the fact that some frat guy has not taken to your advances does not make you pond scum, or some loser. Good Lord. There is nothing wrong with you, and in fact you are in the top 3% of genuine people on that campus, so you need to understand you may not fit into the circus as you would wish, but what are you gonna do, be the bearded lady, grow a conjoined twin, get shot out of a cannon?

    Be thankful of who you are, very thankful. I do not know what year you are in college, but if you are a freshman, or a sophomore, I would consider looking at activities that interest you, because the hook up, get drunk frat sorority thing is not in sync with who you are inside. There are plenty of things to do outside of that, albeit not as "cool", but more fulfilling to you on the inside. And lastly, you can not look to have a guy complete you, that will only be disastrous. Once you feel complete all by yourself, then a guy, the right guy will compliment you, and that is the magical relationship, when two are one, without the two ones being compromised.

  • BrianTristan:

    That was beautifully written, thank you. I understand everything you're saying is true and the best advice to follow. I just feel very hurt, and very stupid. I can't believe it was all a lie. I've been screwed over by every guy I've ever liked, and I thought he was different. But I was wrong, obviously. I now have this complex against guys, and I highly doubt I'll ever get close to one again anytime soon. It's not worth the heartache.

  • Aquariangrl,

    Then we are going to need to talk some more, that is no good for you to have that attitude, it can be harmful to you in fact. If you understand this we can talk more.

  • BrianTristan:

    It's okay. I just need a lottttt of time to get over this one.

    And I just found out today that he's taking his "friend" to his formal this Saturday.

    Apparently they're "just friends" as I heard from my friend who asked him, but honestly, what is the reason for him to ask someone else?

    I want to shoot myself.

  • Aquariangrl,

    Not good. You should not feel like that. You can talk about it if you like. Probably help.

    He is taking a friend because it is uncomplicated. That is why. You should not be so morose.

    No need to want to shoot yourself. That is no good, you put yourself out there, and it did not turn out like you wanted. That is the only way you can have anything good happen, is to put yourself out there, you know? In order to find someone, you have to put yourself out there, and see what happens. It is the only way you can find someone. It is pretty much that simple. So this whole feeling bad is okay, but the your life is over for a long time is not any good. We can talk more. And you have ignored me telling you you will meet someone, haven't you?

  • BrianTristan:

    I don't really want to meet anyone. When this semester began, I told myself I wouldn't get involved with anyone, and I was actively not trying to pursue anything with any guy. Of course I saw guys who I thought were attractive, but I wanted to be completely focused on my studies, and, because of several mishaps from last semester, I swore not to go looking for any guys or let any guys distract me. And then, not even a month into the semester, he happened. I didn't go looking for him, he came to me, and although I was weary, I let it happen. Now I see it was a mistake, and it possessed every one of my thoughts over the course of this entire semester. So meeting a new guy is something I definitely don't want to do. I'm just sick of being duked over by every single guy I either like or get involved with.

  • Aquariangrl,

    And don't you see the problem? You just spelled it out right there in your last post yourself, you tie up your self worth into whether you are Cinderella and some guy is Prince Charming. "Several mishaps", "guys distract you", "sick of being duked over"? You have so entwined your own value as a person with the acceptance of this or that particular guy, that it almost dooms any chance of a relationship of being successful. You see it, but you do not understand it, not yet at least.

    On these forms there is an underlying theme to any of the advice, or any of the readings, that are given, and that is this, what vibe you give off (basically what you think of yourself), is what you attract (you also repel the opposite of the vibe you give off). So, say you give off the NEED to have a boyfriend to validate your existence vibe, that makes you give off a needy vibe, and it makes attaining a relationship with a guy virtually impossible. It is not interesting, when you are not looking, when the last thing you want is a boyfriend, that wham, there appears a guy? And then when you get all tied up into having that particular boy, that wham, everything goes awry? Notice that? Did you notice the message in my last post, on how to get a hold of me outside of here on these forums, or did you read through it so quickly, you did not notice? You should go back and figure that one out, because you have to really concentrate on your studies, yes, but you also have to be able to relax, and just let good stuff come to you. Your own negative self image is sabotaging your own success.

    You can come up with plenty of reasons why you are not as good as someone else, all of which are total garbage by the way. One of my favorite females ever is a girl I went to school with, and although we never got together due to her having a boyfriend, and me having a girlfriend, that is not the point of what I have to tell you about her. She was not the best looking girl that I knew, she was not the smartest girl that I knew, she was probably not number one in any category like that. Yet, when all was said and done, to me, as a total package, she was the best girl I knew hands down. How could that be? Because she was just herself, and that was the best she could do as far as she was concerned; she was comfortable with herself, warts and all. She had some health problems, which helped her put everything into perspective I think. She just was like, "this is who I am, love me, hate me, whatever, this is me." It is a lesson we could all learn from, and one we should not have to have health problems ourselves to learn from. None of us is perfect, and females are particularly good at concentrating on their own flaws, and act like whatever that flaw is, that they are the only person in the universe with it. One chest bump is bigger than the other; bottom is too big, too flat, too something; hair is not straight enough, not curly enough, too long, too short; need I continue? There is always something, for everyone has some sort of flaw, but it is you that lets whatever it is define you. You are fine just the way you are, and you have to accept yourself, before anyone else is going to accept you. Only when you can love yourself, can anyone love you back. You own self worth is what you think of yourself. Once you have confidence in yourself (not because you are conceited, but because you accept yourself as you are), then you will just attract people without trying. That is the problem, when you have to try so hard, and nothing you seem to do works, and you do not know why, it comes back to what you think of yourself, and in turn the vibes you give off.

  • BrianTristan:

    Thank you once again. I know I need to love myself, it's something I've been working on for a long time now.

    My one question for you is this: did/does he like me at all? Was it all a lie? Did he just get over me in the past week? I want to know that I wasn't so gullible and stupid...I really felt something real with him. And I truly believed he liked me.

  • Aquariangrl,

    Your own self worth can not be tied up in anyone other than yourself. This is very hard to understand and do, it is not some sort of easy to grasp or easy to do thing, but it is an essential thing to get into your head and to practice. The reason for this is very simple, happiness for you, and better relationships with other people for you. None of us is perfect at this, so there is no need to feel, shall we say, like a failure in this area. But lets address your situation, you would like a partner, notice the word partner, that is someone who walks besides you, helps carry the load if need be, someone who is your equal (you may each have specific tasks to do, but no one is above or below the other). This is important, a partner is an equal, if they have to carry you all the time, or you have to carry them all the time, they are your nanny. You know how females like to tell their guy their problems? Well what guys have to learn is to listen, and just listen. What guys want to do is solve the problems, and that is not what females want at all. See, in order for a guy to be a partner, he must learn to listen. I have failed at this time and time again, it is very hard, none of us are perfect. And guess what it is okay, you are learning how to value yourself, not gonna happen over night. I will get you some "positive affirmations" to say to yourself in another post, they will be helpful. So look for it.

    Now, regarding him. Yes he did like you. Yes he does like you. No it was not a lie. No you were not wrong. Now let me tell you about him. He is scared to death of commitment, he would like to have a relationship with one person, but only if it is uncomplicated and he gets to have his life the way it is now. That means someone around when he wants, and leave him alone when he wants. Sound like a relationship to you? Nope, did not think so. Also, there is some huge internal conflict going on inside of him, what it is about is not clear to me, but that is where his moodiness, and mood swings stem from. Right now you can not see this, but this is not someone that YOU would really like to have a relationship with, it would be very unfulfilling, and very frustrating for you, as he is right now.

    There is nothing wrong with you, or the way you perceive things, that is perfectly fine. When you deal with someone who is like the shifting sands, then you have trouble, any of us would. It is really a matter of how stable the other person is, not how you perceive things. Jeckel and Hyde people are just that, you can not get consistent anything out of them. Not your fault, at all. You are smart and clever, and you should have been able to go back a few posts and pick out my contact info, if you should need to ask anything, you can. You do not have to, but if you write it down you will have it if need be. I understand about your disappointment, your heartbreak, I do, we have all been there, but your sense of yourself right now is not a good thing, and listen there is not one thing wrong with you, and yet you think there is, not good. So, you do what you are comfortable with, but you can ask me whatever you like, however you like. Okay?

  • BrianTristan:

    Thank you for being so caring. I truly appreciate it. I've realized that nothing goes according to plan, and I can't always be trying to make things go my way. I still care about him, I'm not gonna sit here and bash him and rant about what a bad person he is, because he's not. Yes, it's true he didn't treat me as well as he should have, but I don't blame him, he's emotionally messed up, and that's screwing with his head. I believe you when you say he likes me, and that he's scared. I've decided to give him his space while I take my own space in the same time.

    It's just disappointing when things like this happen, you know?

  • Aquariangrl,

    Yes, I do know. We have all been there. The main thing is to learn to manage your emotions. That does not mean you do not have emotions, what is does mean is you can function and carry on, as opposed to being a absolute mess or a basket case. Again, Aquariangrl, we have all been there, nobody is born with the ability to be Mr. or Miss Emotional Management. It is learned, but it is important. It is when you do not value yourself at all that they become totally unmanageable. So, it is more about your self esteem, that it is about emotional management per se.

    He is messed up, and I am afraid that is not going to change anytime soon. The ugly truth is, it is better you are not in a relationship with him. I can not figure out what his problem is, but it is buried pretty deep in him, which means it has been pushed and pushed down constantly. This goes back to what I said to you, you are responsible for being alright with yourself, happy with who you are, because no one else is going to do it, or can do it. So, same thing here, you can not fix him, that is entirely up to him, and not your problem. It could be your problem though if you got involved with him, so as hard as it may be, count your blessings.

    I have been through something similar, so I have a general clue where you are at, and what it is like, and you should know that I know that this is hard. Regardless, you need to get it together the best you can, and finish the semester the best you can.

    Like I told you before, summer is going to be pretty good for you, just make sure when that opportunity comes up that you take advantage of it, even if your pajama pants and cheetos are calling for you to just lay around and watch a movie.

  • BrianTristan:

    I know =/. I need to figure out myself for once. All I do is try to please everyone, and I never pay attention to me.

    Just out of curiosity, were you ever able to read my post, "Cancer man is the most confusing person ive met"? Because most of our "relationship" from the beginning to now is detailed in there, and I just thought it would give you better insight into the situation, but you obviously have great insight.

  • Aquariangrl,

    I will go and look for it, and let you know. I do not think it really has to do with him being a Cancer though. I think when you get some distance you will see for yourself that there is a lot going on with him, lots of internal conflict. That "tortured artist" thing may look very cool, or even be enticing, maybe even be a turn on, but none of that is good on the long term front. Ya know? Also, what I told you about my contact info, you should write it down if you have a question in the future, I may not always be on here like I am at the moment. So just be aware of that. I think you are smart enough to figure out what you need to do, but sometimes a little guidance is exceptionally helpful.

  • Hello Brian-

    This is tired of all the bullshit speaking here. It seems as if you have been given out advice to everyone here on how to sort out what is going on with there cancer men folks, so if you would be so kind as to read my post (sorry it is rather long,had a lot of shit to get off my I would appreciate what your take is on the situation I have described. I value your opinion because you speak to all of us here with such intelligence that is refreshing for a change. anyway any insight you can offer as a man and a fellow cancer man would be helpful. Thanks!

  • I have had a total of 7 years experiance with two different Cancer men. I will tell you that with both men there work always came first. Even though it is said that Cancer's are sensitive, and need affection; I believe that they will flock towards people and places to hide when they are having a down day. They are very much caveman creatures. The other aspect is communication seems to be difficult for them. They will avoid conflict at almost any cost. So supposing that some little thing happen to come up on the day he was supposed to call, he could have hide after that day just to avoid confrontation. All I will say is it takes alot of patience's, and keeping a level head when talking to them. When you freak out they stay hidden. I hope you get ahold of him soon. I will look for an update. Scorpio

  • It's a roller coaster ride for sure...and they don't seem to get better with age!

  • BrianTristan:

    Thank you so much, I really appreciate what you've done for me 🙂 I ask you to read my thread not because of him being a Cancer, but because that thread details our entire "relationship" since the beginning, and I thought you could shed light on it like you have so beautifully with everything else.

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