Cancer men..... what do you mean??
Well the main thing is how a person is living. Are they living true to their core self, who they are inside, the true person they are. Or are they living from their superficial self; the issues, the baggage, the past hurts, and the negative emotions. That is where this all starts, and that is because how we live is directly connected to the "vibes" or energy we give off, and in turn what we attract (success/failure, good people/bad people, calm/chaos). It sounds simple, and as a concept it is, but in practice it takes a good bit of work. In the end, that is the key to everything, before you bring in any of the tools people use to analyze situations, or people.
Most people who come on here asking for guidance, have relationship issues with a person of the opposite sex, or a close relative, someone who has a great impact on their life. In most cases, but not all, it has everything to do with a crummy person in their life is upsetting their life. Not much else involved, and to get into what the person's sign is, is about as helpful as getting into what the person's blood type is (and I do believe there is something to a person's sign and blood type as to who they are). But to do that is getting way ahead of whatever the problem is, usually. Lots of things can be blamed on whatever you want, but that circumvents what the real issue is typically.
A crummy person, of any sign, treats people pretty crummy. That is one of the first things I try to get people to see, because they are looking to change themselves to accommodate the other crummy person's behavior based on something like the crummy person's zodiac sign, and that is no good. The person coming for guidance really needs to know that they do not need to accept being treated like garbage, and they need to start to value herself/himself more, because that is usually the person coming for guidance's issue. The issue with the person they are having problems with is usually that person is a crummy human being.
As far as me being nice, I am nice, yes this nice, that does not make me perfect or without faults, but I am this nice. You can go throw up now if you need to.
For me to be blunt and brutal would save me a lot of typing wouldn't it? Yes, it would. However, if I am here to help, then I do need to be somewhat gentle, you can not tell someone their love interest or mom or dad are in the running for the worst human being of the year award, that would do nothing but throw up a person's defenses, and would be counterproductive to getting them to see they are a decent person who has let themselves get sucked into a situation with someone who is treating them in a way they should not allow them to be treated.
I get general vibes, and a general direction a situation is going. I can not tell what someone is wearing, or perhaps I do not try, but I get what I need to guide a person in the correct direction, and that is enough. If that makes me a phony to anyone, that is fine, they do not need to ask me for guidance, what I feel, or advice. And yes I do use kid gloves with people, because they are vulnerable, they are here seeking guidance for a situation that has them in emotional turmoil, and it is imperative that they are treated kindly, with respect, and are led to where they can make the self discoveries they need to make.
If people came here that were is fantastic relationships, looking to improve those relationship via zodiac sign and things like that, then yes you could be very blunt. That said, you seem to concentrate on the negative aspects of the Cancer sign, and that is fine since that may indeed be your experience. Yet, I would suggest to you, perhaps, your negativity draws people living in the negative aspects of his/her sign to you like a magnet. Perhaps if you were more positive, you would not have such negative experiences.
Well put, but then, everything I've read in your various posts and exchanges always leaves me with positive energy..I have found through life's experiences that you truly get what you put out. I deal with hundreds of personalities on a daily basis in my work field, if you can only imagine what I encounter, it would not serve me well to be absorbed and sucked in to the negativity that so many people display and live everyday of there live and then ask, why me?. I simply will not invite that in to my life.
What kind of person do you like to be around? The one who is always complaining? Or the person who shines when they walk in the room and has something nice to say? Think about what you like to be around... and then become that person!
Thank you for the opportunity to read you, I have and will continue to enjoy what you bring to the forum.
Hello, Ladies. I am VERY new to posting. This is my first post in my entire life and I need guidance with a Cancer man. THIS IS MY FIRST and I like him a lot and it is VERY confusing. We have only been dating a few months. When we are together he is SOOOOO into me and our friendship. He is loving and he is passionate and I don't think I am making this up in my head, but VERY connected and present. (I am highly domestic and nurturing, so he loves my cooking and baking cookies and my gardening, laying on my bed (NON SEXUAL) and talking while I gently rub his shoulders/back. etc.) THEN HE DISAPPEARS and that is that! FYI FYI - He is a scientist and does field research in very isolated areas. I asked if he was dating other people, due to the disappearing act and he has said, "No." It feels odd because I have never dated a person who was so connected and then disconnected. I would think he is not interested because of the disconnect, but then he shows up and is very open and discloses personal info and is very loving and a little clingy, which I do not mind at all. I am so confused as one behaviour does not coincide with the other. PLEASE HELP ME, LADIES. I feel so confused I am crying my eyes out in the garden.
And it is fine that you think I sugar coat too much, not every approach is good for every person. If I was dealing with a situation you presented to me to get a vibe on, I would probably be very blunt with you, as that is how you are. I see no problem with that at all, since you could take it.
That said, this particular topic is mainly an exchange between one person and myself, and that approach would have been disastrous to take with her. She needs to be led, slowly but surely towards the truth of the situation, and to the goodness of who she is inside. If I just hit her over the head with something like "you do not use the sense that God gave you", and walked away, she would be worse off than before she posted. These forums are about direction, healing, and self growth, and that is different for everybody.
You are a strong personality and you want to swallow the jagged pill, and I appreciate that, but your approach is your approach, what works best for you. I do what I do, and that is not going to be right for everyone, and I certainly appreciate that too. I have given guidance before, my sugar coated niceness, that was perceived as harsh and hard, it was not, but it was taken that way (sometimes people do not want to hear the truth). So a great deal of what is communicated is in the perception of the person being communicated to, and that is important to remember. Kid gloves are necessary in many situations on here, and that may be frustrating, but it is about the person receiving the guidance, not the person giving the guidance, or anyone else reading the posts, otherwise what is the point? The post is for and about that person, not about the rubberneckers who want to drive by and look at the accident. The ambulance crew is there to administer aid to the injured, not to put on a show for the traffic being directed around the accident scene.
BrianTristan - are anyone else who feels they can provide some useful insight to my situation.
I have known a cancerian man for over 2 years now. We met here at work (he works nights - I work during the day, but at times our paths cross). We approached me relentessly, and eventually, we started hanging out as friends and just as things were starting to turn more serious (1 year into the relationship) he came to my home in during the night and left a letter in my mailbox telling me that an "old friend that he still had strong feelings for had moved back to town and they were trying to spend time together." I never responded to his letter, simply went on about my business.
Meanwhile at work, he had gone into hiding (not that I was looking for him - what was the point?) Anyway, 4 weeks after receiving the letter - he suddenly comes out of hiding. He shows up in the hallway wearing the T-shirt that I had given to him for his birthday a few weeks before he dumped me and waves at me. I was totally amazed by his nerve - but didn't say anything and just kept on walking. A few more weeks go by, and I notice that he is "bumping" into me more and more often at work (by the way 3 out of the 4 times - he 's wearing the shirt). To make a long story short - we finally start speaking, he eventually started calling me again and then we spent New Year's Eve together, we had a wonderful time and he asked me out for another date.
Things were good - or so they seemed. He suddenly stopped calling in February. If it weren't for seeing each other at work, there would be no communication between us at all. I have asked him about three times now if he has changed his mind or is simply no longer interested and he refuses to say "yes". Instead he simply says, I've been very busy and will call you "soon" or "I don't know when I will call you - but I will call you."
In one last attempt - I made in an Easter Basket, in the basket was an invitation to come to my house for dinner and a movie - the invitation was valid from April 2 to May 2nd. We spoke a few times during this period -but needless to say - he never came over or called.
It is abundantly clear that the relationship is over, but I have a couple of questions:
1. Why did he come back in the first place - did he just feel the need to give the knife one last twist?
2. Should I simply walk away again? or do I say something to him (not that it would mean anything to him). And if I do say something - will he make my life here at work unbearable?
He is confused, and he does not want to hurt you, that is what he is doing, but does not feel that way to you does it? He certainly likes you, but he also likes someone else, and he has not found it in himself to be committed to one direction, and to pursue it (like a relationship for example).
So, no he will not be mean to you, or make you life awful, anymore so than you let him do that. He is not sure of what he is doing, and so that makes him and his actions, at least to you, hurtful. If you want a relationship with him, now is not the time to be trying that, as I get the strong feeling he is pretty flakey when it comes to relationships now. He is not a bad guy, just not a good person to try and be involved with if you want a commitment.
I hope this helps.
Thanks for the insight. I thought the old friend had moved away (again). Maybe he is still in love with her or who knows, there may a totally different person who has caught his eye.
As I stated earlier, when I received my "Dear Jane" letter, I never replied to him - I simply went on about my business and maybe that is what I should do now. But - I am having great difficulty in doing so - I feel that if I simply walk away a second time without saying anything about the lack of respect for my feelings, it would be equivalent to having the word "doormat" tattooed to my forehead. Afterall - he is well aware of my feelings for him and I feel for him to come back into my life just to behave in this manner again is simply mean.
To be truthful, I think what stings the most is that as bad as it was to recieve the "Dear Jane" letter the first time - it was something and showed some morsel of caring. This time there is silence - giving the impression that I am not worthy of an explanation. Kind of like some prey that the mouse caught and is now tired of playing with. Do you know what I mean?
So tell me - what would have the biggest influence on him silence or communication?
Sorry the post sounds so mean - but I'm pretty hurt right now.
You have every right to be hurt, and you should express it. I have suggested this before to others, and it is writing a letter. Now you must understand the process, you will write many drafts before you have something you would actually send, as what you write first would be very raw, and what you would actually send would be more matter of fact. The first draft would include vulgarity, telling him you hope he chokes on his food, just get every emotion out there onto paper, this in not something you would ever send. As you progress, as the drafts become more constructive, then you get closer to something you would send. However, you are done when you feel you are done, you do not have to complete a ready to send letter. The whole point of doing it is to release the pent up emotion, and to make your brain work constructively, that is it. So silence or communication, and it's effect on him does not matter much, it matters only what the effect is on you.
Thank you for the kind words
Funny thing - I have already started drafting a letter. I'm trying very hard to control the level of anger, but at the same time -get my point across. In an effort to make sure that I don't come across as some crazed & jilted female, I've even promised a friend of mine editing rights prior to my sending the letter.
In a way, I feel juvenile in sending the letter, but I know that if I were to try and have a conversation with him, he would just shut down and I run the risk of getting over emotional. Besides, your right, this time around I have to do what I feel is right for me. Whether he is confused or not - he needs to understand that I deserve to be treated better. Hum, as I read this, I realize he may never understand what I say - but that isn't the point is it? The true purpose of the letter is to know that I stood up for myself.
I know I will never get an answer from him regarding this question - but I would still like to know and hopefully, you can tell me. If he is still so confused as to who he wants to be with - why did he come back to me? was it because it was clear I moving on? and now that I'm working on moving on again, I'm wondering if I need to prepare myself for him trying to come back around once more?
And BrianTristan - I wan to say thank you, your advice and insight are truly appreciated.
Your first draft can be crude, juvenile, and down right nasty. You will not be sending that, you will be destroying that. Do not worry about it.
Once you have written enough, once you have got to something you would send, it will be very matter of fact, and you will know when you get to that point. There is no need to rush it, this is for you more than it is for him.
And like I said, you may not even send the final letter, you may just be like, "he can go pound salt for all I care", and that is okay too. It is a personal decision. If it does not feel right, inside (the decent person who you are at your core), not on the outside (your hurts and issues), then do not do it. That is the rule. Be true to your inner self, that is who you are. The letter writing is an exercise for you, so you do not carry around this venom, that is only poisonous to you.
You're amazing, I hope you know that. The advice you give is incredibly insightful and given in such a sweet and gentle manner. Thank you.
I've been trying not to think of him, but it hasn't been working. I can't talk to anyone about him, except for you. My friends get tired of me, even though they talk about their guys much more than I do, so I haven't mentioned him to anyone anymore.
These past few days have been killing me. I just wanna talk to him, to tell him that he can trust me, to tell him that I don't care what problems he has, that I'll be there for him to help him sort them out. He's such a sweet person when he isn't being weird.
I don't know what to do, Brian. I want him in my life. Please help me, please give me advice on what to do so I don't drive myself insane. I've been keeping everything in, and I can't talk to anyone but you, and it's been so difficult for me lately.
: ( Awe honey. This is hard, and that is okay. It feels like this for everyone, you are not the first, you will not be the last. So, just remember you are not all alone in this, although it feels that way. Most of us have been where you are right now, and believe it or not, we survived.
As far as what you can do, that is simple. You need to let all this stuff out, and this is about the forth time I have said this tonight, go to the store and by a notebook and some pens, and get to writing. .screen name on here. It will serve very much the same function as talking, except the cool thing it is very private.
Just start with how you feel, and express everything, start very raw. Keep doing this, and see how it feels to let this all out of yourself. .at. Take a long walk, move some, walking is good. As time goes by, you will begin to want to say something constructive to this guy, you will know when you get there.
At that point start on your first draft of what you want to say to him, your first draft will again be raw, just let it flow, let it out. Eventually, you will get to the point of having a letter that you can send to him. .mac. The written word is very powerful. You can send him the letter if you like, but it should be very straight forward, almost clinical in nature, you will express your emotions, but very matter of factly. Again you will know when you have gotten to that point, when you take a break, take a walk, and read what you have written back. You will see.
If you choose to send what you have written fine, if not that is okay too. .dot. But put your final letter in an envelope and hang on to it and see how you feel about it in a few days.
The rest of the notebook you can burn, or use a shedder, to destroy it. It is also part of the process, so take your time doing it. .com. You can burn it page by page in a coffee can, or shred it page by page. This whole exercise, because it is really for you, distracts you, releases your pent up feelings, and releases them when you mail the letter and destroy the notebook. Sounds strange, but it is very powerful, and works very well for many people.
This is what you will do with the time, writing, walking, instead of just sitting there. It will take a good bit of time, and that for you will be good.
Also, look for the subject "get your ex back" by googling it, and search for it on you tube, lots of the pointers are free, even though they are trying to sell you something. It will give you a decent roadmap on where to start. The advice will be surprising, but will make sense.
You can post on here anytime and I will get to it. And if you are clever you can figure another way too I am sure.
Hang in there you will be okay. Trust me.
Thank you. I've gotten your message, and I've responded accordingly.
I don't think I want to write him a letter, because I feel as though I'd be too in your face with that. All I know is that I want him in my life, and I've been terrified to text him or anything since he didn't respond to my last text. Now I fear he hates me or doesn't want to hear from me. It's such a wretched feeling.
I feel your anguish, pain and hurt as I have a similar situation going on.I thought at this time in my life it would be easy to have that relationship with the man who loves me..or does he?
Thought I knew but guess I don't, how sad at this age and his, it has to be so difficult.
I feel that getting angry (I have every right to be so) would only make me look like that typical out of control female, which I'm not.
i simply don't get it! Believe me, I have spent a fair amount of time on the roller coaster of love and I'm about to just say enough.
Something wonderful came in to his life (he is 65) and he knows it but has obviously chose to go silent on me once again.
Know that I understand what you are feeling and trying to make sense of.. I know how much it hurts, I am hurting also.
Brian, aren't you something else, hopefully there is a lucky lady in your life!
You are still focusing on him. This is about you, about getting yourself back to where you can function with out feeling so awful everyday. The letter, the writing (journal writing) is for you, it helps you let it out, helps your to process it all. Right now you need to be nice to yourself, and do things that will help you.
I agree with everyone BrianTristan, your words of personal empowerment and advice are wise. I have to say though that once you guys do convey your thoughts/actions everything always makes sense. The hard part is getting them (Cancer generalization) to express themselves in plain words and until they get passed whatever and are really able to trust you then they don’t. Mine forced me to look the deepest within myself to discover my hidden strengths because by causing such confusion he exposed my vulnerabilities to me.
aquariangirl, the emotions that he has created is not about him now. Look within yourself. What is causing you pain and what do you need to let go of. BrianTristan has described ways of how to do that.
nodiddly, I’ve done what Brian has advised and it does help. By putting your anger on paper, constantly modifying and rewriting it, it helps to release it. However, if you do decide to send it you might just get more silence depending on which draft you send. If it’s the 1st one then silence will make you feel more hurt, if it’s the 10th or 20th one then you will have come to terms with it.
GemTwin, I’m sorry to hear that you are still suffering the silent treatment.
Aqua, I have been thinking of you, so sorry I haven't spoke. I feel like a ...I really don't know, as it makes no sense to me. All I can tell myself is....it;s not me. I love him dearly, perhaps he doesn't believe. I can do nothing more....
Aquariangrl, AquaBubbles, GemTwin52,
Dealing with a relationship that has gone awry, or has ended, is a difficult thing, and tends to bring any insecurity we may have right to the surface, and when that exposed insecurity is brushed against it is most painful.
However, in this chaos there is great opportunity. You can deal with those surfaced insecurities, you can deal with all your different issues, and you can better yourself. I have mentioned doing a google search or a you tube search for "getting you ex back", and the free information they give (in order to get you to buy whatever it is they are selling) I think can be very enlightening indeed. The long and the short of starting at getting your ex back is working on yourself, that IS THE FIRST step. Do not want to do that? Then you can kiss your ex goodbye. That is putting it very bluntly, but it is the truth.
If most or all of your thoughts throughout the day deal with your ex, you do need to find a release, whether that be journal writing/letter writing, counseling, whatever, you must find something because it can consume you and your life, and your ex, or any other person will not want to be around you. Yet another harsh reality, but it is the truth.
Thank you for sharing your story. On one hand it is nice to have company on this roller coaster ride - but on the other, I am very sorry that you are having to go through this.
I'm still working through my emotions, but I believe reality (my head) will win the battle over the remnants of hope (my heart) that I have left. After all, it has been 2 years either you want to be with me or you don't.
The thing that confuses me the most is that he came back to me. Why do such a thing, put in so much work to gain my trust again just to toss it aside? That was so much energy and time wasted.
Hugs to you -