Cancer men..... what do you mean??
You are amazingly sweet, thank you for those kind words :). I truly believe he does like me, but his behavior recently has been extremely strange. He told me he's a relationship guy, and I don't think he's as caught up in the college life as other guys are, but still. When we hung out a couple weeks ago, we talked for 3 hours, and he was shy at first, but then was cute. And then when we came back to our dorms, he texted me saying "too bad youre not here since neither of us have clothes now..." and then i said that i couldnt fall asleep and he said "youre welcome to come here but actually gotta sleep and cant be naked" and then he said i could "come on down"....he was cuddling with me, and i could tell he was excited (you know what i mean haha) and so i initiated a bit of kissing...and then we ended up falling asleep a little later.
I hope i didnt mess anything up, but what does he expect me to do when he says im welcome to sleep over, and hes cuddling with me, obviously excited, and exciting me too?
I just wish he could tell me what his intentions are
Well, you are getting into the physical before you have a base in the emotional built. That is the cart before the horse, does not work very well.
Lots of people on here will tell you that is alright, to just be "physically intimate friends", and I will tell you you need to look at the implications of that, and who you are.
People try to make a line between men and women on this, and anymore that is not so true, it comes down to who we are personally. Basically, some people can sleep with others, and compartmentalize it as just some physical fun, I will not comment on that much as I do not have much good to say about it. Most people can not separate sleeping together, and heartfelt feelings (whether they be "in love", "deep caring", or "love"), and there in lies the rub. If you think you can do physical stuff, and wait to see what happens, and/or wait to see if you get intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy, then I guess you can do that, but typically that is a recipe for having your heart broken into thousand of pieces. That is the truth.
I know people can have f _ _ k buddies, but I have never seen one of those situations end well. There usually ends up being a lot of drama on one person's part, and the other one is usually just like "wait, what just happened, I never promised a rose garden". I know you know what I am talking about, if you sit and think about it.
As far as his intentions... that is hard, when it is hard, or if it is thinking it is gonna get hard, if you get the meaning. You need to TALK to him, his big head, without getting the little head involved. Perhaps he is sweet and nice, and that is who he is inside, but dangling the sweet, nubile offerings of you shuts off his brain. If you want him to buy the cow, do not be giving free samples of milk out, then there is no need for him to buy the cow.
You may think doing "stuff" is harmless, and it may be, but the question is, is it harmless to you?
You do not kick a little booty up to get a little intimacy, and he is not gonna give a little intimacy for a little booty. Intimacy comes first. That is why it is still a general rule to wait until you get married, because you actually know you have a commitment after he has sworn before God, and all your family and friends. I realize that is a perfect situation, and that is not how life works, but the advice of having a firm commitment before laying in bed is a solid one.
Brain, very well thougth out and very said!! Truly cannot add much nmore than that! I would tend to ditto you.
Well, people will do things that they think will get them what they want, and not realize that what they are doing can have the opposite effect on their, shall we say, objective. It would not be so bad I suppose, if all it was was a failure, but usually someone ends up hurt pretty bad. And I have seen some people who were hurt pretty bad, do some pretty bad things to themselves to console themselves.
I think I understand what youre saying. You mean that I should stop hooking up with him, show him that I can spend time with him without being physically intimate. We've never had sex, and he never pressures me to be physically intimate with him at all (he'll cuddle with me suggestively, and I'll have to initiate something, but when I do, he responds very well).
The thing is, when I asked him to hang out that day, I had no intention of hooking up with him. After we had talked and hung out for those few hours, we each went back to our own rooms, and he ended up texting me what he did. He obviously wanted me to stay over...I've noticed that he's never direct in what he wants, he'll always beat around the bush until I get the drift and suggest it myself.
I need to hang out with him without being physical, which I have attempted to do (asking him to have dinner with me a couple times...how can that become physical?) but he's been busy. I guess I'll need to talk to him and tell him that I'm not all about the physical with him, and that I like him as a person and want to get to know him better. Being physical with him is not about me trying to get a physical gratification or cheap hookup out of him....it's really about feeling closer to him because I like him so much.
What do you say to that?
You like him.
And he likes you.
And you both would like to get l a i d.
I understand that.
I can see that.
I know all about it (I am not a saint).
It all has to do with what you want.
Figure that out, and then you figure how to move forward.
If you want a relationship, well some sort of relationship, some good weekend hookup boot knocking, and someone to take to the winter and spring formals, great go for it. But, be ready for not getting more, being stuck in some quagmire of pseudo relationship. One party in these situations always wants more, and it always comes to a head, with lots of drama, crying, and heartbreak. Sometimes that will move things forward for real, but most of the times it moves forward because someone feels guilty (and it eventually falls apart), or it just ends there.
So, what I am telling you is this. You have your sweet little heart set on something here, and you are impatient with what is going on right now. So, either chalk it all up to him being a Cancer Boy and Mercury is in retrograde, or step back and figure out what it is you want, and then figure out what you have to do to get what you want (that is all long term I am talking about). Once you do that, then you are golden. It is like college, wouldn't it be nice if you were done in two semesters, but it does not work that way, it takes eight, or maybe even nine, or ten. You know you can not change that, but all of us can take shortcuts in other areas of life, and we do, and shortcuts do not usually turn out so good.
If you want an instant relationship right now, then go on over to his room and rock his socks off, but prepare yourself for the speech that will come eventually, "it's me not you", "it all happened to fast", "I just do not know what is going to happen after I finish school, and I do not want to limit myself". Because, that will come. If I thought you could handle just doing the hot monkey s e x thing, I would not be concerned, those people could care less and their heartbreaks last until they see the next hot guy, but what I get from you is you want more. And I think, that makes you a better person than most.
very true, . no you're not alone. when i was with a cancer man, it was weeks before i saw him. -dissapeared. if he wasnt interested thats one thing, but lik eyou said, hugged and kissed,and left on good terms. they are nice people, it just the way they are.
its the way they are, .they are very open,and housewarming presenti like, but when th emood changes, off they go.
So insightful once again. I guess I really do need to figure out what I want, and then ask him what he wants. I do want something more than just a weekly hookup, because I've never been that way. I see my friends hook up with random guys whose names they don't remember in the morning, and I can't stomach how they do it. I get emotionally attached. And I can't do that with just anyone. He has to be really special.
My one contention is that he isn't interested anymore, that's basically what's holding me back. But you seem convinced that he likes me, and I'm going to take your word, because everything you've said so far makes much sense. You seem like a caring person yourself.
Yes, this is what the problem is. We are not by any means on bad terms. It's just the confusion I feel when we aren't together and he doesn't text me, or has a lot to do when I do ask him to hang out. He does have a very busy and demanding schedule, so maybe I'm just catching him at the wrong times. But he could've hung out with me on Saturday night; and then again, that may come back to the fact that he probably thought I wanted to hook up with him.
I was thinking of asking him to perhaps hang out this week, but I'm scared he's gonna say he's busy. His fraternity is having their formal this Saturday, and he doesn't have to go, but it's formal, and everyone goes. I don't even know if he'll ask me to his formal. If he asks another girl, I guess I should take that as my confirmation that he doesn't like me.
Sometimes laying back, and giving time and space, is what you need to do. I know from experience this is very difficult, I do not wish you to think I think doing so is easy. The best way is to busy yourself, to keep your mind off of it.
Lets go back to the "college mindset", which you do not particiapate in, he does. Fraternities are superficial, they have their benefits, but saying you are my brother because you wear the same two or three greek letters is very different from being someone's good friend. So, you are trying to go up against the "college mindset" here, and whatever it is he is thinking. He does like you, but that could get trumped by the "college mindset". It is a shame, yes it is, in the 1940s and 1950s more than a few people were married when they were in college, now a days how often does that happen? Real, authentic people desire to have a real relationship, that makes you pretty wonderful, and you do not need to apologize for that, and I do understand it causes you pain and distress, but being a decent person does that in our crazy mixed up world.
For yourself, you need to back off a bit, forget what he needs. If he asks you to the formal, he does, if not, then he doesn't. Spring semester in coming to a close, and what you can do is ask him for a date or two before it ends, and maybe a few over the summer. This one, for what you want, is a long term project, and you can do that, if you do not dwell on it. Your studies, and classes coming to and end will busy you quite a bit, and be thankful for that.
I guess I'll just back off for a while. I'm not gonna talk to him this week and I'll see if he asks me to his formal which is on Saturday. But if by the middle of next week I still haven't heard from him (given he doesn't ask me to his formal) I'm gonna need to talk to him.
I am really thankful for the fact that the semester's gonna get very busy in the next couple of weeks. However, I would like to see where this will go, even into the summer. We only live about 40 minutes from each other when we're not at school, so distance is definitely not a problem. It's just knowing what each of us wants.
To reiterate, what you want out of this relationship, and out of this boy, is a long term thing. And therefore your approach must be a long term one. You have some more time this semester to get a date or two out of him, and over the summer some more dates. But do not try to "tie him down" this semester, or in the summer, next fall when he is back around his fraternity buds, and in the college thing, that is when you see where you stand. If it is the same old thing next fall, move on, it will only eat away at you. Okay?
You must use your head and be careful, the influence of the fraternity is strong here, and you should keep the "you and him relationship" very seperate from his fraternity. I see you getting in good with his fraternity as being bad for you. These fraternity guys are like a bunch of petty, jealous, snotty 12 year old girls, so keep your distance. And he is not going to disclose much to them, so he will not give them any information that will be detrimental to your relationship with him. This relationship I realize is of great interest to you, so I tell you what I feel, and some basic advice, but this one is ripe with pitfalls, so use your head. Think, and do not do anything that does not sync up with who you are at your core. Very important. You can not give away yourself in any way to make this work, you will just lose a part of yourself. Understand?
Also, I see something good for you getting involved in a youth church group. shrugs Not sure what that is exactly, but it does involve spiritual growth, and a male. The male is a kindred soul, and may be someone who will be just a friend, or something more, not quite sure. Regardless, the group, and this person will be important to you life (in a positive way). So do not pass on whatever this opportunity is, you will know it when it presents itself.
I had enough today, and sent him this text around midnight: "so i know both of us have been really busy lately but i feel like we havent gotten to hang out too much lately and im pretty into you and i got the vibe youre into me too...id really like to hang out if you arent busy sometime this week"
He hasnt responded. I really don't know what to think.
Sweet Beautiful Aquariangrl,
Your job is not to fix broken people and have relationships with them. You are not superficial, you are real, and you deserve someone who is real to connect with. Someone to care about you, hold you, and cherish you. You can get into the bump da bump later.
If he does not respond tonight, or says "hey baby come on over", or leaves you some benign text tomorrow, do yourself a favor, just leave it alone. You have someone coming your way in the not to distant future, who will connect with you, and not be so coy about it. Not to worry.
If I knew where you were at I would come snatch you up. ; ) jk Seriously, you are pretty awesome, so do not be settling for less than you deserve. Okay?
Please take Brian's advice to heart, really think it through and know that what he is saying is true! He is right, you will have someone coming your way who will understand you and treat you with respect as Brian does. Can you see the differnece in how you are being acknowledged just by these two men alone? One respects and cares for your feelings, one tries to offer you help and guidance, one supports you and wants good things for you. That should be a huge "oh ya, got it" for you. That's how men should treat women. (and women men). I know you want badly for a positive response from this guy but the non response could be your response. I understand your heartache, I am also a woman who is very interested in someone but I don't chase and I don't push, I maintain my self respect and keep my heart close to me for now until I have a sign I can be a bit more vunerable. Sorry, did not mean to butt in, back to you Brain and Aquariangirl!
You are always welcome, and a woman's perspective is always good, especially for another woman.
aquariangrl: i just wanna add some short thoughts cause i am an aquarian too and also fell for a cancer guy.
yes, they are amazing and deeply emotional and caring and you can fall for them pretty easily.
BUT in every relation there is a fine line between you being patient and understanding as it is worth to wait for them and between waiting around and allowing them to do anything to you.
i learnt it the hard way. i am still/again back with my guy, but i regrouped everything and concentrate on myself, dont put him into the middle of my life (though he is an important part of course).
after a really intense and honest great start, 3 weeks later he totally withdrew from me and didn't let me away but neither did he let me close for about 2,5 months. and i went through hell and i missed him terribly etc.
then i woke up and realized noone is enough for ruining myself and i stopped contact with him and stopped going after him and all.
he came back strong after those 2,5 months and since he is more consistent, but i still didn't go back to the state of being clingly, needy or going after him. if he wants to see me, he knows where/how to find me.
i dont know how much i helped but thought i tell you this.
BrianTristan: though we dont talk, i appreciate your usual comments and help to others. nice work.
That is very sweet of you to say. Thank you. You are always free to ask me something if you like.
BrianTristan: don't get me started. i think you have enough without me. i have a similarly (as you) nice crab guy on this forum helping me out for over 3 months already. which of course does not mean that that other cancer guy's opinion would not be of great use.
i'm dealing with my crab on a day-to-day basis and im guessing i should tell my whole story for you to be able to chip in accurately.
if you are ever patient enough and interested i can do that (i mean fill you in) but it is half year of happiness and misery rollercoaster with a lot of complex details. LOL
i have still after half year and him coming back to me, a lot of insecurities and paranoias which is pretty bad, and i can go to the extremes in what i think about him...
thanks a lot for the offer though.