Husdand cheatted after 14-yrs of marriage
Hello, my husdand for 14-yrs has confesed to me that he has cheatted for about a year already, with different women, he started going to stores and just finding girls for sex, One Sunday (Oct.4, 09) night he just told me that he did not loved me like the way he used to love me when we first meet, and he want it out, I could not understand why just like that I was loosing what I though was my soulmate for eternity, deep inside me I knew there was more to the story, I beg him to tell me the truth, but he insisted that that was it, before I went to work that morning I went tru his pants and found a prepaid phone, I took it with me and with in 10-min he called that # I answered, he told me to come back home and he would explain everything to me, but before I went home I look thru all the phone calls and text messages, there were two girls that he had been in resent contact, calling and texting, I called one of them and told her if she knew that he was married, she told me that she did not want no problems with anyone, that he approched her and told her that he had a 4-yr old child and his girlfried left him. This is the story that he is been telling must of the girls. Some of them he said did not ask, because it was just sex, he even had sex with married women. we have 2-kids one 13-yrs and 4-yrs. I love this person, he came back but when I asked him why he came back he told me it was mainly because of the kids, so I told him that is not fair for me, so with all the pain of my heart I told him to go on with his life I didn't want some one in my life that did not love me, eventualy the kids will grow move out then what? I'm so confused he has not moved he still at home, he still tells me that he loves me, but has not mention that he wants try to work this marriage. he has his own job he's a real state investor, he flips houses. Because of his job some times his is away from home for 2-3days. I have ask him if he has done anything since he confesed, he said no that he wants to get his mind straigh and stop what he is doing. Something happen in his childhood that he says that that is the cause he things he is doing stuff like that (he was molested by his step father), he says he is sick in the head, that he can't control he says he has tried for about 4-wks but could not. The last thing that he did was on Oct. 4 wild we were shopping for our 14-yrs old he pass his phone # to a girl that was in the store with her husband, I could not beliefe that she called him, the following day. I called her back and found out she was married, she said she did not called, the next day I called and her husband answered and I told him everything just for him to know wath kind of wife he has, calling strangers for sex. we already told our 13-yr that his dad was moving out and the reason. I'm very confused, heartbroken, Betray, but still love him (very stupid of me), we were both virgins when we got together, I tought that is how was going to stay just the two of us in our lives.. What is the future of this relationship? my brithday is 09/14/1975 his is 05/31/1976
You are not stupid to still love this man. You can not fall out of love like, especially after 14 years. This must be really hard and I am sorry to hear you are going through this. My heart goes out to you to have the strength to get through this. The future of your marriage may seem dim, but the future of your life is not. I think that you and your husband need to seperate, let him move out since he is a real estate agent he can find someplace new. If he feels he is sick and has problems but says he still loves you and the kids, if you feel like bearing with him, ask him to go to therapy. He needs personal counseling and maybe you guys can get counseling together. The things he has done to you are not right, but if he feels like they are a result of a past problem, if you still love him and think you can forgive him, ask him to move out, get some help, and take some time for you two to work it out. If he is not willing to do that, then it is time to move on. Now is the time to take care of yourself and your kids. You don't need to worry about caring for him. It is definitely hard, it must be, but now is the chance to learn so many new things about yourself. Take the time to think of how you want your future to be and see how your husband fits in, with and without help. And also remember, you are valuable and great and just because he is cheating doesn't mean you are not. I know that feeling you get after someone cheats on you, worthless almost, and I want you to know you are strong, beautiful, and powerful. I can't tell you the future of your relationship, but I can say you are about to enter a battle for a better life and when it is over you will come out happier and strong from it.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You must be just devastated. The first thing, I would suggest you do, is get tested for STD's. His behavior has put your health at risk. Not only that but the very real risk that some angry husband might show up at your door looking for him, could put your children's life at risk. I think you should get into therapy whether he agrees to or not. This is a situation where you are going to need all the support you can get in dealing with the onset of emotions, that you are certain to go through for quite some time. I wish you all the best.
That is terrible. I am so sorry for you. and your kids. That is devastating. You will find your inner strenth. You take care of yourself and hang in there sweetie.
jesus this sucks to read omg,, i feel for you so much but ok i got something to say that might help(im i really gonna say my darkest secret to people on here?) WELL im 21 and i was molested also when i was about 9 maybe, and i can tell you that it really, REALLY messes with your head. has he had any counceling at all for this problem? i havent, BUT im in counceling now for a fight with my older brother(he did it) and i was charged with criminal damage(misdeamenor) so my counceling is for mainly husbands that are abusive to there wives,(alot of them there for a restraining order) but i honestly have a great group of really good hearted people that the one time they got mad enough they pushed there wife, which i too have a very angry side, BUT honestly i know how good a person i am and i would NEVER do that, but i mean, i dont regret my fight with my brother that got me in in those classes, cause im getting alot out of it, and i understand that my brother was also molested by a babysitter we had, so i dont blame him anymore for what he did, it made me into the nice,caring person im am today. im totally changing my life for the better after im taking my classes im sure he will too!
case in point ask him to get some help for dealing with his past, you guys were virgins when u got together and married for 14 years, you must have had or still do have a great connection, but im sure you can find it again.
How nice of you to share your story to help another. You seem to have a very mature perspective for your age. I'm so glad you found your way into a supportive environment. I'm certain you will go on to have a happy productive life, despite your early trauma.
oh I am sooo sory, my husband an I divorced because of infidelity, it was an extremely difficult period in my life, but ultimately proved to be , a blessing, I found out after we seperated that there is a big ol world outside of my buble and as I'm living learnign and growing, I can be happy and proud. I hope you find your peace as well, and I agree with manifest about you getting yourself checked Only god knows what he's eposed you and your children to. Love yourself first good luck and take care
I did a quick reading, I hate to be the one to tell you that he has been in this for the beninfit of your children for at least 4 years. You are at a time when you are having to face what has been going on under the surface for quite some time. This is not the first or last time that he has been untrue to your vows. He will continue to stay in the marrige if you allow it, but he will not be faithful. Your destiny is in your own hand of course but according to my reading you will not leave him.
sorry this is ONLY my interpretation.
I got the 4 of wands, 9 of stones, and the wheel of fortune
Univeralharmony has some great suggestions. Focus on your healing and the children. There IS great opportunity here for growth and healing. Stand your ground but be gentle w/ yourself, you have been hurt. It may be difficult for you to detach and stand on your own since you have been w/ one man and lived as a unit.I hope I am not coming across too cynical but you need you now. I'm sorry he's had so much happen to him, but you can't change that, trust he will find his healing. Find what serves you, nurtures you, heals you, fulfills you, be kind to yourself, find support. If the relationship is meant to be it will be. There is great beauty in the vulnerability and sadness try not to deny your feelings, find a safe place to take them. In the midst of such emotional turmoil I know it's hard to be present to your children, how you behave is teaching them how to behave. Seeing a dr & therapist is not a bad idea. There are some wonderful people out there(and here from what I've seen) who can help you walk thru this. We all have knee jerk reactions when we are hurt but I suggest stop going thru his pockets/phone and getting into conversations w/ the others involved, I know your hurt and angry but it will lead to nothing good except more hurt and pain. Focus on your own healing you will be stronger in the future and have much to offer others having walked thru this. There is light at the end of the tunnel, trust your process.
Sometimes we need to go thru the wallet phone book ect. in order to believe what we wish not to see. There is no wrong way to deal with this situation, it is human nature to respond in this manner, I did the same thing , to remind myself that I was not being too harsh he really was deffinately cheating. Sometimes we don't believe until we see it again and again.
Do what ever you need to do to keep your head above water, please, please, please don't forget your childeren still love and need you, no matter what. Sometimes that's all that keeps us going trust me I know.
My janky husband actually refused to stop seeing his mistress, until it was too late. I did the phone book thing ( didn't call the woman) but I did want to know if and when he was being unfaithful. It helped me be strong when I was ready to leave.
this is very sad to know. he was molested in childhood, and such abuse is not easy to heal from. but since life has to move on, he needs to choose the future for the sake of his family and not dwelling in his past. I am afraid if he dwells too long he will end up abusing your children. he is an adult now this is the time for him to make a different choice than the one he had chosen, which is hurting you.
Unfortunately this is entirely his decision. You need to stay strong and positive, it's hard of course. But you need to. He is now sending negative energy out and the universe will send it back to him. You however should stay positive, don't let this negativity drag you down. Focus on what you have and protect them as much as you can. The universe is not blind, any kind and selfless efforts be rewarded. Something will happen that will force him to come out of his habit dwelling in the past and hurting you, he will be forced to change. You will see a positive improvement on your behalf. Even if he chooses not to change for the better, you will still see the improvement, mainly due to your staying positive attitude - means you will get help, or a new love, better and stronger than him.
Choose to be strong and positive, you have not done anything wrong. What he does will be returned to him. Stay clear of his negative energy by protecting yourself often, a mere visualization of white/ blue light around you every day will help. from the abundance of the universe, help will come. Keep smiling, don't let it drag you down. your staying strong and positive attitude will strengthen your children too. don't despair, the universe is not blind.
VloO, I think theapy is a good idea, go alone if you must. Also consider going to a 12 step COSA meeting, you need lots of support from others who understand what you are experiencing. Yes, I would have talked to the women just to see what he is telling them, just be respectful of them if you want their help. I would not talk to their husbunds, though; because it is vengeful and creating bad karma for you. Be strong and keep your heart center open for the sake of your children.
I was molested when I was around 7 yo by a trusted distant relative 6 yrs my senior. I have learned to get off my pity pot and stop feeling sorry for myself. I do understand how damaging this can be. I would ask him to go to SA meetings as well. Hope this helps.
Thank all for your advise, I',m a strong women & I know that we are going to get thru this, me and my children, I'm better now I have talked to a preacher and prey alot to God and I know that with God's help everything will be ok. I'm a positive person and I love my kids fanancially we are fine I have a job and will continue with my own business as far as investing in properties I started that business anyway. I know that he needs help, but he is refusing it and I have understand that I have done as much as I can to help him and to keep this marriage together, but I see that he does not know what he wants in this life, & I'm not like I got plans for my future & I know what I want in my life.
Thank you again to all of you.
Hi Vlo0, not sure if you still checking your emails, hum i just had a similar situation, the things with those guys they are very smart, they know what to say and what story to tell to get you "kind" forgiving them in way. Question of heart they do know also what they are doing are not acceptable so many "women" accept the excuse of the cheating husband that it was only for sex, what the difference with you then?
i do not believe those kind excuse i find it very manipulative, Gem, know how to manipulate well, i saw it with my own eyes
some men stay not for the children( this is only away to find a good excuse to your heart too) some men stay for the comfort you give to them, the security,
They have a woman at home that take care the house, the children, and everything else for them and this give them space and time to carry their "single" to find new women to seduce.
have you not think about this?
many men get away with cheating by only saying to their wife or girlfriend that the other women was only for sex
i was with a guy like that , he had a fiance and he came to me all the time but when i expose the truth to his fiance that i didn't know existed he accused me to come to him and him of course wasn't guilty of anything.
she took him back because she believe it was only sex and he loved her, how easy.
Men that does this kind thing love no one, not you or her
telling you a sad story is away to smooth you around with his behavior, he knows it's not right
they are perfect actor,
Hi Vlo0 i do have some questions i wanted your help with if you can help please thank you
I am so sorry you have to live through this. This will prove to be a true soul searching time for all of you.
Two years ago, my husband made the decision to "lean" on another woman after being together for 15yrs and married for 12. In the beginning, I really thought my world was over. I did forgive and took him back after a few weeks, and it happend again just a month later.
I do think things happen for a reason. He was there to carry me through a stage in my life and give me my two adorable children. But looking at our relationship, it is easy to see that my life was not progressing or maturing in any manor. The security that he ripped from me when this happened has pushed me to look at my life in another light. Have other philosophies on my "life's riches".
I do suggest you let him go to work on "him". This really will benefit you and your children's relationship with him in the future. Encouraging him to do what is good for him, but being firm that his home is somewhere else really does help. Please worry about where you need to go and making your children's life secure. It sounds so hard and scary...but you can do it. With the right tools, you and your children will adjust well.
If you need any encouragement, we're here!
Hi star2u thanks for your advise, what questions do you have? I'm sorry aqua2378 that you had to go thru the same pain again, I've let it go, I can't continue with this situation any more, is just that he does not want to move out of the house, he still living in denial, he keeps on asking me if we are ok, as far as our relationship. And I keep telling him no, we are done here, he has cried and got on his knees beging me to take him back, that he loves me and he did not ment to hurt me and he'll not do it again. and he just did last week he started passing his # to womens, twice in the same week he did not come home until 1 or 3am in the following day. the situation got worse when I told him that I wanted the divorce, he acused me of having some one else, and got very angry he even broke a door!!! he has a big mental problem he took a gun and told me that he was going to kill himself because what he was doing it was behond hiscontrol, I calm him down and told him that I was going to get him some profesional help, he should be going to therapist next week some one that specializes in what he went thru when he was little. I'm going to be by his side to help him thru this, but at he same time I do not want this marriage any more.
I really am sorry for what is going on in your life BUT, PLEASE, PLEASE be careful sweety..He needs to be removed from the house especially when there are weapons there...He also, needs more than therapy once a week..Think of the children first,..
SENDING YOU LOVE,LIGHT AND ANGELS
HI again vlo0,
I came back to check on your thread and i thought i was seeing things... I guess i didn't realize this thread was opened back up from your original post in 2009...
peace and love
OH GOODNESS!!! I didn't notice either! Sorry!
Oh yes, his exit is long over due.