Could anyone do a reading for me please
You are not the bigger problem here because you're involving yourself.
Are there some things about yourself that you need to change? No.
What is needed is not something in which you can forget your loneliness; what is needed is that you become aware of your aloneness - which is a reality. And it is so beautiful to experience it, to feel it, because it is your freedom from the crowd, from the other. It is your freedom from the fear of being lonely.
he does not want to let go of your relationship.
He does not want the relationship to take a different form.
He does not want you to lead it to something different.
Why does he introduce such pointless "drama"? Because he seeks clarity.
Why not just say, this is where you are right now? Because he is like made of steel disregarding what is lively. He cannot ask flat out, slithering always somehow through controls.
We are talking maintaining your emotional space.
This is neither witnessing, as in stepping away from the ego, nor literally staying out of the same room with him.
Why do you invest so much in him when so much of what goes on is not worthy of any effort on my part? Because of your grief over failed relationships you are now afraid of real intimacy. So it is better being together with someone who is already married, so you need not fear that this relationship could go too far or more specifically too close.
He is not confused. His jealousy shows, he is possessive, he is collecting women.
Man is very tricky. He uses even the most beautiful truths in the ugliest way. Fate is a very beautiful truth. It means that everything goes on by itself, you are not doing anything. All is destined. What will be, will be. What is to be, is. What was to happen, has happened. You can sit quietly on the bank and watch the play. There is no need for you to jump into the middle of it. Your running back and forth doesn’t make any difference. What is to happen is happening. What will be, will be. Then you become a witness.
do I see something about it? No.
There is a Zen saying that the birds have no desire to be reflected in the lake, the lake has no desire to reflect the birds, but it still happens. The birds are reflected, the lake reflects, although the desire exists neither on the part of the birds nor on the part of the lake. In this desirelessness everything happens, nothing is done.
can I help you understand? You are sensing invisible problems.
Why is he separating himself from the realtionship? Because he is too much identified with his emotions.
What do I see, what is happening to you and why? Your way is blocked, because you need to open your heart giving your love to someone whom you can love.
Can I really tell you how to begin getting back up? By coming into your natural rhythm of withdrawal and contact.
Get in contact with people who are open for you, and withdraw from people who are not willing to respect you.
There are indications of travel or moving your home or your business. It could indicate a change in your health as well. At its most basic level, it means a change in your lifestyle, or the things that you do day in and day out. Something will change that affects the way you live or the things that you do each day.
This brings with it a certain amount of restlessness and the desire for changes or travel. It can result in a dissatisfaction with the way your life has been that motivates you to want new things, lifestyles, and experiences.
Become one with the ultimate law of life. Try to reach to the ultimate law of life. So the ultimate refuge, the final refuge is in Tao, in the universal law. These are the true refuges. Not refuge in war, but refuge in peace, refuge in love, refuge in bliss, refuge in God.
that’s the whole message of ecology: we are together. You breathe out, the tree breathes in; the tree breathes out, you breathe in. The tree purifies you through oxygen; you nourish the tree through carbon dioxide.
Hans, you are so ruthlessly honest at times, lol. Ok, one thing I do want to clear up is that I did not go into this knowing he was married. I even ended things a couple of months into it simply because I wasn't getting my emotional needs met. I think I probably am insecure about intimacy but not afraid. I left my marriage because there was no intimacy. I suppose I can tolerate the limitations of being involved with a married man because I am accustomed to an "inimacy shortage", but my very presence in this forum was driven by the fact that I recognize this is not what I want, and struggling with what to do with this man. Anyway, it was three months before my intuition pushed me to do a little research on my friend, and, I kid you not on this, Fate provided me with one obscure little bit of information that allowed me to completely expose him. So obscure that even my friend had to concede, some greater force was at play, lol. His web of lies was so complex.
So anyway, beleive it or not, I comprehend why he did what he did. Does it make it acceptable? No, and I never mince words about this with him. Participating in his deception is seriously out of line with my personal truth and that is why, from day one in talking to you Hans, I had the question "why?" I accept that we came together for some reason, but I think it's clear that I am anxious that an answer will reveal itself. Maybe all this is the answer, and that I have to make the decision. (I was thinking that it must be painful for you at times Hans, to sit outside of these situations and KNOW what needs to be done and watch people flounder, but then I realized that you are unaffected either way, lol.)
I know that you see my friend as a slitering snake, but the struggle that I see in him is real and he openly talks about his character - he does not deny that he is making mistakes and even hurting people. If I felt that he would not face himself that would be one thing, but he is aware and seems to have some conscience about it. My mind clearly tells me to leave this mess alone, lol, then I think my inner voice is following suit, but ultimately it keeps saying, "not quite yet". Patience is NOT among my strengths and I can tell you that historically I would have left this man months ago were it not for something very deep telling me to see this one out. It is at times incredibly hard listening to my inner voice, rather than just letting my mind/common sense and practicality rule and running off.
You know we all have disappointments in life that shape us. Some of us unfortunately seem to have had more negative experiences that shape us than others. You grow up not knowing how to find balance or trusting that it's ever really possible. If happiness is right in front of you, it's so unfamiliar a state that you might not recognize it. Dramatic interactions are the norm, and peacefulness seems unnatural and boring. Unless something inside is conscious and driven to find a different way, this is the pattern that will repeat itself through a lifetime. It is not a happy path, it is a familiar path.
This search for some other kind of existence is what I thought I saw him seeking, but the struggle is so hard for him, I think he goes from great inspiration to the very depths of resignation (think 10 of Swords, lol) as he tries to find that path. I think ultimately, when I see his struggle, I see me (perhaps I am guilty of some projection here, altho I try to stay alert to that).
But I can pinpoint people who came into my life at just the right time and who gave me insight to find new and better direction. I think it's fair to say that you are one of them now Hans. And I don't have to tell you that for everything I learn from you, and actually incorporate into my interactions with my friend, that these new ideas potentially transform him as well. The unknowable is whether I have misjudged whether he is really open to change. Does he REALLY want to get there or will he just keep finding excuses to stall? He seems to take his role as a victim very well.
Anyway, today I've held your thoughts about the mirror and it has served me well to just hang back and gain some perspective on my own. It feels good really. You were right, as you so often are Hans. You always give me reason to laugh at myself too, in the way you boil things right down to the obvious. Oh the places my mind does tend to wander.....l appreciate how you snap me back to my center. You are a good mentor Hans.
you comprehend why he did what he did. Does it make it acceptable? Yes.
He is not really open to change. He does not REALLY want to get there nor will he just keep finding excuses to stall.
Bliss makes real solitude. Then solitude becomes a temple, bliss becomes the deity in it. And that’s what meditation is all about: the art of changing loneliness into aloneness, the alchemy of changing solitariness into solitude.
You think you know what submission is. But it is a political mind-trip to buy relations. Until there is no place to stand but where you are, bliss will not enter. Turn yourself on yourself.
Okay Hans, you nailed me on the "acceptability" point, lol. I've got to digest some of the other stuff for a while.
Tell me something though, why are you so convinced that my friend is not open to change? You've been pretty negative about him; his motivations, his intentions. What is it that so clearly makes you hold on to the idea that he is void of introspection or any intention to improve his state of being?
why I am so convinced that your friend is not open to change? Because he only trusts his mind mistrusting everyone.
What is it that so clearly makes me hold on to the idea that he is void of introspection or any intention to improve his state of being? The fact that I do not desperately want a fulfilling relationship with him.
Religion arises in wonder and awe. If he can feel wonder, if he can feel awe, he could become religious. Not by reading the Bible or the Gita or the Koran, but by experiencing awe. When he sees the sky full of stars, does he feel a dance in his heart? Does he see a song arising in his being? Does he feel a communion with the stars? Then he is religious. He is not religious by going to the church or by going to the temple and repeating borrowed prayers which have nothing to do with his heart, which are just head affairs.
Hmmm, more to think about. I am intrigued with your first thought, about his only trusting his mind mistrusting everyone. You made me laugh out loud with the second comment (at myself as usual). It doesn't answer things the way I would have liked it explained, but I realize it is fully explained in the way only Hans can explain it, lol.
As for the rest of it...I don't know. His family is devoutly, intensely Christian and he rebels against that in his own way, yet I believe he is drawn into it at the same time. Probably another reflection of the general state of his being...conflicted.
You are helping me more than you know here today Hans. I got word two days ago that my mother is quite ill, perhaps on the way to dying in the near future. Such a potentially life-altering event has me questioning many things and the absence of support from my "friend" during an emotional time for me is high on the list. It adds to my emotionalism and becomes a burden really. You have given me some great tools for staying centered in the days ahead, as I brace myself to work through some challenges.
Thank you Hans for your time, wisdom and sense of humor.
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If two persons are really intimate they will allow absolute freedom, because they know that intimacy is far more beautiful, far more significant—they have experienced it. So any sexual relationship is just a little diversion, nothing can go wrong just because of it.
And if love has not happened, you can never reach Tao. It can hypnotize you and it may lead you astray. It may disturb your routine world where you are earning, accumulating, and where you are getting more successful every day: the factory is growing bigger and bigger, and the bank balance is accumulating, and everything is going so good. Why become disturbed by a new, foreign element? So don’t allow in any element from the outside. Live in your prison, sheltered, secure.
Thank you Jenever for your inspiration.
Well you are very welcome Hans, that compliment was most unexpected and I am honored to receive it. I like your thoughts in this last post as well because, much to my surprise, I do understand exactly what you are saying. Now that doesn't happen very often....haha!
Become receptive, become a child again.
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Hans, your last post must have seemed like the "answer to end all answers" as it seems to have ended the thread. How are you? Thought I'd say hello. I'm still in deep thought on all my issues. Ideally transforming, but perhaps just getting lost again, lol. Better than not moving at all though, eh? Hope this finds you well.
Oh wait, now I already know your going to tell me that I shouldn't be moving at all, but staying still and going within...so just spare me that one. LOL, just having some fun with you Hans.