Cancer Ex Left Me Recently but Friends still.
Hello I’m 32, Pisces and the Cancer male I’m dealing with is 34. When I met him, it was in 2015 at my old job. Supposedly it was Love at First Sight with him. He was getting married a week after and he said if only he knew me before hand. He would of been with me…
2015-2016, He learned I worked there for a long period of time. Started to get to know me and became my closest friend. He would ask our coworker about me.. He was married and I was dating… I emotionally cheated on my ex boyfriend for him.
In 2016, he changed job careers and I was heart broken. When he told me the news, he told me.. Would I wait for him? until He divorces. For I’m the one he fell for… at first. I kissed him, and I said yes… That’s when the whole wanting to marry me, children and a life came in. It got me confused and felt like a roller coaster of emotions. I told my boyfriend at the time about it, and my boyfriend is my best friend. He said if that was true, he would do it. Months went by, nothing happened. But, our friendship grew even stronger. I would see him once a month for lunch at a restaurant and hang in a mall to talk. Nothing sexually, very calm and respectful meet ups.
2016-2017, He moved up 4 hours away North. I was heart broken. This whole time, we spoke each day from 7am to 5:30pm, romantically texting. We had our small fights but then it came back to normal. I would meet up with him up North and I met his wife… He would meet down South and he met my boyfriend at the time. His wife didn’t want children, wasn’t helpful at home, would isolate in her own world and didn’t even give intimacy. As for me, I wanted to give all my 100%…
2017-2018, I got engaged and I can tell he was jealous.. He was supportive regardless… Telling me he wants to divorce but he hasn’t… In April 29-May 4, I lost my first child and almost died from a very bad pelvic infection. He cried and told me how he never wants to lose me… On May 29… we physically cheated. On July 2018, we psychically cheated again… that’s when I said divorce and me not being engaged shouldn’t be. On August 2018, he admit he cheated and his wife wanted to try to make it work. It didn’t work, he was unhappy and he asked for divorce in November 2018…
2018-2019, My boyfriend at the time broke up with me and he stayed as a friend as support. I was still important to him and still am this very day. We lived together for a small bit so I can save up money. We were living before with my parents and it was too toxic. My ex boyfriend wanted me to learn what freedom was and to save money. During that time frame… the Cancer guy I was into.. He was doing the divorce progress. Covid delayed it til July 2020 on his birthday. During that whole time frame, we would meet up.. I would travel up north or he would travel down south for me. Traveling once a month for each another. I was there for his needs, his support and just being there. August 2020, he asked me to move in. I was very nervous but I did it…
2020-2021, I moved into the apartment with him. He started to get cold feet each time…
*Apartment hunting: After I traveled up north to see apartments. He openly admit to me, he thinks this isn’t a good idea. I was heart broken and I cried. He gave in and tried
*First apartment: We had horrible neighbors, very noisy ones. I worked from home and he had a very toxic job. I would cry sometimes because I was home sick. I was in a lot of stress. He wanted to break up with me. My ex boyfriend (Gemini) came into the picture. He told him how it was unfair to treat me that way, and how the environment was toxic. He gave in and tried again.
*Second apartment: They gave us a upgrade, the apartment was beautiful. I tried my best to fix it up on my own. It took me 4 days to make it look like home. Few weeks later, he wanted to break up with me. He felt like we were rushing too fast… I was heart broken. He was judging me about my anger, how I smoke weed ( barely/ and I’m very respectful about it) and other small things. I spilled my heart for him and he told me.. he will try. He has so much trauma… His ptsd from the military, his ptsd from the divorce and ptsd of the ex wife. He doesn’t see it but I did first hand when he got super drunk once.
*Before my birthday, my birthday is in February and he tells me he’s unhappy. It hurt me … and I just didn’t know what to say. He told me the same as before and I explained we can take this slow. We can do this… He apologized and we worked through it.
February to Early May 2021, I noticed he’s been acting different. But I knew it was work… I always tried to be supportive. I got him his breakfast ready, lunch and dinner for him. I tried to make his days easy but sometimes i needed help. I couldn’t drive and I would ask him to take me places. Even though I would tell him thank you, and stuff. ( Now he openly admit he felt like a taxi)
It was April and he talks me into going on a trip to visit my friend. I wasn’t so into doing it but he talked me into it. He told me how much he deeply missed me and wouldn’t want me to leave again. I explained I do need to tell my father and stay down south for a week. He agreed and said okay that’s fine, but not so soon. When I returned he was so happy to see me. He quit his job from the toxic environment and got hired into something better. In the end of April 29, the anniversary of my baby’s death. I told My father the good news about where I’ve been and who I was with. He accepted it with a welcoming and open arms. He said whenever he’s ready, he can come down to see me.
( My parents can be very toxic. I deal with a lot of ptsd because of them. My dad guilt trips me about not being married or have a kid)
When I told my cancer ex boyfriend about it. He was nervous and told me he wasn’t ready. It’s too soon and he can’t. I explained that’s fine..you don’t have to rush. He felt insulted that I told my dad that he was in his new job more then a year and that wasn’t true. I asked my ex cancer if he wanted anything with me still? a marriage, children and home? He told me yes and how he has been thinking about it. He just doesn’t know when.. but I was frustrated… He’s been saying that for years with me… Why is it so hard?
On May 9, Mother’s Day I was torn apart and sad.. I’m not a mother but I lost my son. He broke up with me and told me he’s unhappy. He doesn’t see this future anymore and how he feels it’s best we take our separate ways… I cried and cried… he was calm with no arguments. He would hug me, he would tell me I’m amazing but I’m not the one in his life. I was torn after all this time? I lost my fiancé for him… I lost opportunities to make a family… and an apartment that could of been mine too. Now he wants to break up with me? … I didn’t sleep and he kinda of did, I thought sleeping it off would help clear his mind. It didn’t… he was mind set on… I packed up stuff only 10% of it and the rest is still up there. He drove me down and he kept saying…
What happens if I miss you in 3 days? in a week? I said you need a month to think and I promise you I will take you back. He said would I be willing to return? I said no, you got to come down and apologize… you got to say sorry to my parents, myself and my ex fiancé. He was dropping me off at my ex fiancé for safety. He asked me if he could live 2 hours away from where I am. Would I go up there for him. I said yes… I will do that for you. I will even find a job… better for both of us. Then he would just mood swing again and said if I wanted all my stuff given to me the next day. I got upset and said why can’t we take this as a break?! Separation? He calms down and agrees… When he dropped me off, he asked who should he ask advice from. I thought the people I recommended was helpful. I was wrong… they were all toxic. He would openly admit to me what they would say and sounding bothered. Then when I say be positive that your heart needs to heal. He tells me our future won’t be anything and that he’s set in stone.. it’s over. We would speak each day, and talk randomly… but when it came to our relationship past. He would get up and become bothered. Last thing he told me yesterday was… it’s 100% over and he isn’t taking this as a break… He thought I was the one who told my ex fiancé to talk to him. He was wrong.. I didn’t.. My ex fiancé right now isn’t convinced that he’s 100% done with me. He wants to speak to him because he knows that my ex cancer boyfriend won’t try to listen. They have been talking… and I’m just here hoping for the best…
He has been struggling with his grandmother being in the hospital
And like my ex fiancé said… he knows that my ex boyfriend is dealing with a lot of stress. But I don’t deserve to be mistreated and being said things to put me down quicker. My ex boyfriend has randomly messaged me today… and I’ve been just calmly replying back…
Ive been starting school, and spending time with my parents… while he started his new job and being home all day… our communication can be calm as long as it isn’t relationship talk. He can answer any phone call I do or any text I say… He still has me on social media and he has told me I’m the only ex that he respectfully speaks to.
What should I do?
Let's face it! This Cancer man doesn't do intimate relationships well - they are too much for him. He is good at being a supportive friend at a distance but he just cannot handle a serious love commitment. He doesn't want to be dragged into heavy emotional scenes. Do not expect him to change. Accept that this is how your relationship with him will always be or move on.
Also he told you he wasn’t ready but someway somehow you managed to change his mind. You should have listen. I’m not surprised it went down hill. He obviously went through with everything, just to please you so you would stop crying. He doesn’t wanna hurt you so that’s why he stayed all along. I’m a cancer woman and I can tell he felt pressured and really think it was going too fast. Also your ex fiancé interfering isn’t going to make things better, believe me.
I think you should talk to him and don’t let others interfere. That’s kind of childish and annoying. If he’s still not ready to commit and you are, then move on.
My ex fiancé stopped and I calmly explained to my ex boyfriend, how I didn’t expect that. I truly didn’t and I didn’t plan that in the first place. Very surprising in my part. He explained to me that he believes me because How truthful I am.
I had a 3 hour conversation with him. I can tell he’s under a lot of pressure. I mean I am now too with my changes. His new job career and now the apartment might get pricey… for he doesn’t cook. He asked me if I could get my personal stuff and he will pay for my furniture. Mostly for he doesn’t really have any. I said that’s fine but he doesn’t really have to buy my furniture. I don’t got much either. He finally admit to me that the personal things are making him sad. It isn’t helping him think clearly.. We spoke how we both have a 3 day weekend. He was thinking of driving down to visit family. I’m not sure why but I thought about it. I thought to myself, that seems like a bad idea. He will be too emotional. He randomly asked me and told me the same thing that I thought. I didn’t expect him to say that to me even though I knew. He said I’m sorry but I’m not going South until I’m calm. I feel uncomfortable seeing my family. Not right now, he said. He’s also depressed about his grandmother and thankfully she’s out of the hospital. I’ve been hearing and supporting this whole time. Always do and always have.
He has told me that I am the only ex that he can calmly speak to. I know very well he admit to me awhile back. How bothered and uncomfortable he was with ex wife. I forgot what happened that day when we were still a couple. But he openly admit how bothered he felt. Our friendship bond seems still calm and very open about our feelings. We can admit things because we know each another so well. Sometimes I just sense it and calmly ask.
I did confront him about things that he hid from me and didn’t tell me. He told my ex fiancé instead… He said he didn’t like a few things and my ex was saying “She was worse, she has changed a LOT for you and Shes very real with you. He explained to me that my ex didn’t betray him because I told him that my ex felt bad to tell me. I asked calmly for the information.. The reasons were..
1-My anger ( even though I changed a LOT before him and I were a thing. I even said during my relationship that I need therapy. He wasn’t into it and he said I’m too strong for that. Now we agreed IF we ever become a thing again and I’m still in therapy. Let me do it for he must understand it’s important for my mental health)
2- Insecurities ( I have a lot of insecurities and I become very controlling but with him I wasn’t even so controlling. Sometimes I would slip but then I don’t realize it. That is my biggest issue with things.. but I was way worse. I guess I got to continue to control and fix myself. Okay )
3-His friends ( I do not dislike or hate his friends. I like them a LOT! Every time there’s a thing happening with friends. I’m very supportive about it and want to go. But sometimes he wants to game all day, and I work from home… so I feel like I should get attention too.. I noticed with the new job change, his schedule of video gaming and friends was getting balanced well. But it was too late to show I can change for he was already thinking unhappy. He also said sometimes I include myself but I explained how I honestly don’t have no friends? I thought they were my friends too? but he didn’t realize that until it was too late)
4- I don’t drive ( I got huge trauma but I guess that isn’t understandable. It’s fine now I’m learning for myself. He felt like a taxi even though I always showed appreciation and always asked if he wanted anything while we were out. I also just started to adapt with the area and learned more about where I was living… Lyft for stuff was $30-35 dollars per share ride )
5- Financial- I came from a spoiled family and always got what I wanted. Bad habit but I started to learn to be responsible. Pay my own things and make money to help out. ( I wasn’t making enough and the only thing I could pay was groceries… )
After having a long conversation of 3 hours. Then the next day 1 hour and the next day after that. He told me he’s understanding that he has to change himself. Help himself and try to understand things more openly. I agreed the same way and how I need to change myself too. We both agreed IF we ever end up together. We will take things slow and the thought of stuff like engagement marriage and kids… It won’t be talked about or even bought up. Until things feel right… He said he understands people can change and people can change for themselves. He agreed he shouldn’t have said Never is Never and We won’t ever be again.
Our conversations lately have been sounding like our old times. No anger or fighting.. all calm and joking.
@EmpathicHealer are you still going to wait for him?
@TheCaptain for now I’m working on myself. I needed to do it along time ago. I even thought of in the starting of my move up North. I got to fix certain things and I got to help myself.
I will be his close friend and I’m there for him. I care and love him a lot. I have a strong love for people I care for.
Wait for him? yes but even right now. I’m not even thinking of relationships or anything about that right now. That’s not my goal, my goal is to help myself first. I love him but I have to worry what’s next for me. Health/Work/Money…
I’m here as support like he is with me. He told me bad news about his friend disappointing him about not being a roommate anymore. He wanted to save money and try to balance out his financial stuff. The only advice I gave him was.. live alone and find a studio. I can help him find one if he likes me to.