Cancer man broke up with me

  • Hello everyone. Here is my story. I am a scorpio woman 35 years old. I was in a relationship with a man for 4 years. Lets call him Aaron (not the cancer guy) and we used to live together. So the Cancer guy, my age, lived just across our house and knew Aaron, not friends just neighbors. It was obvious he liked me all this time, a bit flirty, but never crossed the line. At some stage me and Aaron move out and find a new place. Lost touch with the Cancer guy for a year or so. Only met him by chance once but we just had a chit chat, i was still with Aaron. Last September and while things with Aaron were not goinh well, Cancer guy pops up as friend suggestion on social media. We start talking, we meet, and we have sex. Cancer guy knows i am still with Aaron. We start meeting once a week. Just for sex, although it slowly starts becoming more than that, but still i am in a relationship and the Cancer guy says we are casual and doesnt want to talk about Aaron etc. I decide to break up with Aaron. I find a new place. Cancer guy doesnt freak out as i expected. He starts visiting almost everyday. Having walks together. Great chemistry, at all levels, especially sexual. I let him go at his own speed. He went on saying he didnt see this as a relationship, it felt he was emotionally unavailable. He had also opened up a lot about not being in a good state due to work problems. He had a job he didnt like and made him feel with very low self esteem. Due to lockdown etc he lost his proper job and he was working as smt he despised for months. So this climaxed slowly and he started going to a really dark place. I know that perhaps a year or so ago he had also gone out of a long year relationship. Although i dont know any details. And that he had some family issues which he kind of talked about. The bottom line is, our paths crossed at a really bad timing. However, ever since i broke up, he started seing me more, at own initiative. Coming closer to me, fixing stuff at my place etc. He never spent the night though. So emotional blocking was there. At times it seemed like he was making the extra effort to connect, but still. I was relaxed all along, following his lead. I did get upset a couple of times because his behavior was weird. It felt as we were in a relationship because he was creating this atmosphere, then at times he turned distant. So this confused me. We had a few discussions. He was claiming this is casual. I said ok, lets see what he does. And it continued. Visits and walks and talks. So not sex centered. He was slowly getting depressed, physically tired from work, stressed with his financial situation. I was there trying to cheer him up, he was receptive at times. He involved me in different aspects of his life, opening up about his family, helped him with a job interview. Some jealousy here and there too. Very confusing. At some stage i got upset, we had a discussion again, he said that he doesnt want emotional bond, although it was clear that he cared and that he was kind of bonding, with his own terms. And then he bacame very distant. I asked him if everyhting is ok. He said he is fed up with work etc. Is not related to me. He still likes me and that sex is awesome, but that he is fed up with himself, his life. Doesnt feel like anything anymore. Even sex. That he needs to figure this out by himself. That it has happened before, and that what he does is he freeezes everything, to think, because he feels he is badly affecting everyone around him, and doesnt want to behave badly with me. That maybe he will feel better in a week or so. Didnt text him for a week, then approached him, we went for a walk. He insisted it doesnt have to do with me but that he cant ask me to wait. After that i deleted him from social media, he got angry. I explained that i have a crush on him. Then i reapproached him after a few days, he came by my place, we had sex but he was really spaced out, really down and dark. Disconnected from everything. Didnt talk about anything. After a few days i suggested a walk. He said no, and that he explained his situation, that he is in a bad place, that the other day he came to my place but he got upset with himself, he doesnt have any sex drive, he needs some time alone to think. I insisted on asking questions, he said i am putting pressure and that at some stage he will answer my questions but not now, he is not well. My texts were very calm, didnt become aggressive or anything. I told him i am here for him for whatever he wants, that i understand, that i really care for him and like him, and finally i apologized for the pressure. So thats it. There will be no contact from my end from now on. I am trying to forget him but i keep thinking he might reappear if he feels better, because its not in my head there was chemistry..And he was always into me, even back when we were neigbors. He mentioned it felt like a dream that something happened between us. And that with me he had the best sex of his life...And now its all gone but its hard to believe. Its not a question of what do i do. There is nothing i can do. But what is your opinion? Do you think he will come back?

  • @ScorpioEliza
    You’re right, he’s emotionally unavailable. It also explains why he had no problem starting up with you while you were in a relationship with someone else. He’s not thinking relationship. He doesn’t allow himself to bond and becomes distant if he starts to. It’s something more than just being unhappy with his job. It goes deeper than that.
    If he does come back and I think he will, it will still be casual.

  • @OJ thank you for the advice. He showed up a couple of days ago, texted if i am home, then literally at my door, ringing the bell. I was inside but didnt answer either. After an hour I said I just got back, then he replied saying that he might come back again (he was working in the area near me). I said lets meet another day, i am tired. He said, ah ok, as you wish. Its been two days since that, no text whatsoever. I did that to show him that he cant just roll in back into my life so easily. I will not be available all the time as before. I want to make it harder for him, so that he realizes that he has to make decisions of some kind. Anyway, he is crazy. I am not sure he will show up again, but if he does it needs to be more mature than just showing up at my doorstep so impromptu. I would appreciate your opinion. Thanks so much.

  • @ScorpioEliza
    He says he just wants casual, but are you willing to settle for that? It could be a long process for him to open up and truly let you in, so you need to decide whether you think it’s worth it. Have you spent time at his place? His behaviour bothers me, as I’m sure it does you too. This weirdness is him making sure he doesn’t get involved. I think he must have been hurt in his previous relationship. You could approach it in a couple of ways. 1) continue with casual and slowly draw him in closer 2) let him know what you want and let him decide whether he wants to take the chance.

  • @OJ Thank you for getting back. So far he hasnt opened up regarding why he re-emerged. I doubt that he made any decisions in such a short time. I agree he still wants casual, but i think he is confused because it is obvious he has feelings and cares. Yes i have spent time at his place and he at mine. I total agree, the bottom line is I either give it a shot, while being patient and waiting for him to relax his defenses, or I let him go, which ia difficult given that i really like him and given that i know he really likes me too. After he broke up with me and asked for time, I opened my cards to him. I said I have feelings and that i have a crush on him. I didnt say stuff like i want a relationship or anything, because thats something i believe it naturally develops by itself. I am not the kind of person who is into labels of this kind either. But what i want is some type of consistency and flow, without emotional blockages and second thoughts. I agree, he is blocked. Totally. But he doesnt let me go either. And its not just sex. I think it started as sex for him, didnt expect there would be chemistry at all levels, wasnt ready for this at this stage of his life (most probably because of last trauma) and now he is kind of freaked out, because on the one hand he cant support emotional bond and involvement, and on the other, he needs me, likes me, believes we match. So it probably feels like a deadend to him, which is why he asked for time, which is why he reapperead when i started ignoring him. I really dont know what to do. I guess one step at a time. We havent even met yet again after he attempted to see me last Sunday. I rejected him politely, so now we have to wait for his next move. Perhapas he simplly wants to stay in touch for the time being. No idea. This is so confusing...Thank you so much for your insight....

  • @ScorpioEliza
    He’ll be back.
    I have an aversion to labels also. A label implies an agenda in my mind. It sounds like you understand him pretty well already, even if you’re feeling confused. The naturalness will eventually come with trust, but it’ll be slow and each time he opens up about something big, he’ll check in to see if you’re still there. It’s one of those back and forth things Cancers are kind of famous for. Hope it all works out.

  • @OJ Thank you! Lets see... I guess what i dont get is why people make things so complicated when they can really be much much simpler. Thank you for taking the timebto advise.

  • To be fair, he saw you cheat on your current partner for him, so why would he think you were a commitment or forever girl?

  • @TheCaptain Thank you for your comment. I believe he has thought about that yes. But if he is concerned about that, he should discuss it. On my part, when he hit on me, I mentioned I was still with my boyfriend and that things were not working out and avoided him. He insisted and insisted. Then when something happened between us, I decided I am breaking up and I told him I was in the process. He could see I was not well at all. One month later, I broke up and moved out. So yes, I did cheat, but if he is mature enough, he should be able to figure out the context of it all. Its not nice to cheat on our partners and it would certainly concern me too. But when we make this choice, it all comes down on how we handle it. Myself, i immediately broke off the realtionship and didnt continue dragging a parallel situation. So yes, it was bad, but I took action to clear things up very fast. So he should be able to understand that I am not that kind of girl. After I moved to my new place, we started things from fresh. And he learned more about me, I could tell he could tell that I am a forever girl and cheating is not what I normally do. He knows that i am not the girl who sleeps around etc. And I could see he really liked that. He didnt treat me as a random girl at all. Still, I see your point. And I agree that it might be at the back of his head. But really, when things are working out , you should be able to discuss your concerns. He should ask me questions if he has any, on that matter. Thats what i would do. In his case, I think the biggest issues are commitment and emotional unavailability much more than the fact I cheated my ex seven months ago.

  • @ScorpioEliza you think he should be able to understand you but men don't always understand women and their feelings and behaviour. He may think you cannot be trusted since you cheated once. You must deal with what he is rather than what you think he should be. Is he mature enough for you?

  • @TheCaptain If he doesnt trust me then why would he reappear ringing the bell at my place? If he doesnt trust me, he should stop commumicating or attempting to see me. And if he doesnt trust me, he shouldnt have dragged this for six months.

  • He reappears hoping for sex with no commitment. Is he getting it?

  • @ScorpioEliza I think your doing the right thing by not being actively available the minute he decides to stop over and knock on your door. He sounds very emotionally closed off and sounds like he is taking steps to protect himself. Which is why he keeps going away for awhile and coming back. I would be careful with this guy. Its strange how he doesn't want to be in a relationship. But yet he thinks its ok to stop over unannounced, when he wants too.

  • @TulipLilly I agree. Sometimes I think he wants the best of both worlds. For instance, when we were together and he was claiming things were casual between us, it would feel as we were in a relationship. We would meet almost everyday, having walks etc. Or even he would come by my place, and we would just spend time together, without sex. So I think he wants that feeling of relationship, but not the obligations that come with it? I will not agree to see him, unless he approaches me in a more mature way. I understand of course he wants the sex part, i want it too a lot to be honest, but he has to realize that there are consequences when he decides to distance himself.

  • @ScorpioEliza
    Hi Eliza ! I’m sorry that your in this situation. It seems very apparent that you have deep feelings for this man and you want and need more from him than he’s willing to give to you at this point and time. You seem fearful and very unsure of his intentions and his behavior and that is bothersome. These look like red flags to me and you need to be very concerned.
    He does act like he’s been very hurt from one or maybe even more relationships. And he may have underlying painful family issues that can and will definitely affect him.
    If so then, these are things that he has to deal with and heal from if he is going to have a normal, happy, loving and caring relationship with someone. You won’t be able to give him the help that he needs . You can only be a support person that will just listen and maybe guide him to getting the help that he needs ( counseling).
    But just remember that some men are too prideful and won’t ask or get help until they are so far into that deep, deep place of darkness ( depression, hurt and pain) that they can’t get out of by themselves, then they have no choice but to get help.
    His only way of coping is to distance himself emotionally and physically from potential hurt and pain that he perceives.
    And don’t get me wrong you have done nothing to cause this. It’s his problems.
    But you need to continue to set YOUR boundaries in this relationship and not just let him use you whenever HE feels like it.
    And also always remember that having sex too soon will ALWAYS complicate things in a relationship. I know because I’ve been
    there !! I know that this is all hard for you because you care about him and I’m sure he does care about you but before he can have a normal relationship he has to get himself “Fixed” if not he’ll never be able to fully trust, love and care about you or anyone else.
    But this is your life and we all can speculate , advise and give you support but ultimately it’s up to you to decide what kind of man (strong or weak) and what kind of relationship you want ( happy, normal, loving and caring )
    You a very intelligent level headed strong woman and I believe that you already have the answers and have seen this and you know the outcome.
    Your in charge of your destiny ( ALWAYS )
    If he’s not the right man then I can guarantee you that the right one is out there for you . Also just one more bit of advise Please think twice before you ever live with a man first before marriage because statistics are that a man is much less likely to ever marry you if you live with him first. Because as the old saying goes
    “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk free “ and that’s true because if they are getting everything that they want and need then why commit to one person and get married. And also they can just up and leave you whenever they decide too. I’ve been there also and it sucks because you end up wasting all of that time of your life that you’ll never get back !!
    Sorry so long -
    I wish you the best of luck and much happiness in your life!! Take care !!

  • @Sweetnana16 Thank you for the advice. I couldnt agree more. As painful as it is, this is exactly what I should do. There is no black and white in these situations. I guess one way of going with this is being supportive but from a safe distance and without investing in this. I know he is into me and that he cares, but that is not enough. I am trying to take it easy myself and focus on my priorities. If he has something to say or express, he knows where to find me.

  • @OJ So of course he came back. I agreed to meet. We had a walk and a drink, flirting. He asked some bizarre questions, like if i am going out and where. Also an indirect question proving that he was kind of worried if i am still seing my ex. We ended up at my place. He hit on me and I resisted, asking what on earth is going on. He said that things between us cant be as they were, because he is having the feeling his freedom is being limited and that he suffocates with the idea of having relationship obligations although i am not a controling girl. That its his issue. That he feels his options are being restricted, that if something else comes up, he will feel he cant have the option because it will not be right if he is with me. But then, that things might turn even better than they were before but he doesnt know that. I said i dont want labels, but i cant stand disappearing acts. That i want to have fun, and let things evolve naturally, but without second thoughts or stupid things that stick in his head and make him not let go.

    Then, we had sex, which was simply extremely passionate. I really cant find the words. Otherwordly. Then, right after the sex, I burst into tears. He didnt expect that of course. Asked whats going on. I said you dont get it do you. I have feelings for you. And the fact that you dont have any, it breaks my heart. He was frozen. He said, I am harming you. I am sorry, I will not text you again. He then said, i dont know whats going on. I might not have such feelings, I might have the same feelings as you, i might have even more, but maybe i am hiding, concealing them. Maybe its a self destructive thing what i am doing, i dont know.

    I said its a shame, we could be having so much fun. Please go. And dont get in touch again. He said "alright but the door is open just so you know".

    I mean seriously, what is wrong with him.

    I cant stand this. I need to protect myself, so I think i did the right thing confessing my feelings and asking him to go.

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