Trying to trust my inner voice
After staying in my bed for the last four weeks, I have mustered up the courage to expose my most darkest secret in hopes to find myself again. Although I am still vulnerable, I desperately need to feel the warm embrace of others who may or may not share the same experience.
Let me begin by saying I was born 5/5/69 and hold true to being a taurean. Once I focus on something, I dig my heals deep into the earth and nothing can move me. This, at times can be a wonderful thing and at other times turn into a delusional vice. My situation is of the following.
I have been married to a canceran (6/29/67) for twenty one years. For the first decade and a half of our marriage, numerous hardships were encoutered. Both my husband and I were very immature about commitment. We both cheated. When I found out about his encounters, I develop the same determental attitude and began looking for comfort in the arms of other men. Although I craved for my husbands affection, I created a wall that would not allow for me to feel his love anymore. My inner core was wounded and I did not realize how disconnected I became from the realities of my broken heart. In not wanting to acknowledge my own pain I did what seems to be common among women in my shoes. I packed up my family and moved to another location to start a fresh. On July 29, 2001 I bought a co-op and gave him the
sorry hit the enter key by accident...I bought a co-op and gave him the option of staying in his parents house or moving forward with his new family. He opted to leave with us. But, what I didn't know then was that he didn't opt to stop his infidelity behavior. Although I had suspisions, I could not confirm any wrong doings. Therefore, I did not consume myself with worry and continued to march forward. In leaving our old location, I must mentioned that it was his parents house and as a wedding gift his father had extended the house to accomodate us. He literally built a one bedroom duplex for us. I believe if it weren't for his generousity we would have been homeless. Anyway, while we lived in the house a paralel life was taking place along side us. His sister had hidden her pregnancy while I was flaunting mine. Once her news was discovered, my father in law accomodated her in another part of the house. We became neighbors. She never married the father of her two children but, began living with him. And, this is where my heart break begins....After living side by side we became a whole family. I named her first child, she built my first child's crib. We literally raised our children as one mother. I took her children everywhere with me. Made them birthday cakes, took them to school, feed them, etc. and vice versa. So, when news about us leaving was discussed you could image the many mixed emotions that circulated around the house. One night I had a dream about the father of her children. I remember sitting in a car and ever so inncently giving him a kiss. After living along side them for 15 years, this dream both excited and nerved me. I didn't know what to make of it and decided to leave well enough alone. Off to my new beginnings with my husband and two children!!!
After a few months in our new place I became so comfortable that late one night I was on line and saw my sister in laws boyfriend online. I was curious about who he was chatting with so I sent him an IM. WoW!! if I could retain that nights conversation...I don't know what I would do. From the time I met him I had a connection with him but, my thoughts were only plutonic. I thought maybe because of our similar backgrounds he was more of a brother than anything else. But after asking him this percise question "how do you feel when we are in the same room together?" My intentions in asking this question was still plutonic until his response. It was as though the flood gates were open and their was no stopping him. He confessed to harboring feelings for me since the first time he saw me which was when I was only sixteen years old. ( the time when this conversation took place I was 31 years old.) I want to mention also that he is a capicorn, birthday 1/6/71. Needless to say, he was resilent, relentless, and determined to pursue me. All boundaries were off. He could no longer control himself around me and wanted to begin a relationship. At first I was totally thrown off guard!!! I did not know how to close pandora's box. Eight years later.... my heart is heavier than life itself. How do I return not to my old self but to a new and improve self?
learning to trust your inner voice is the hardest thing ever. Not everyone is meant to be a great love so you need to figure if he is and if he is worth all of the heartbreak it will cause. Take time listen to your heart, talk to yourself dont worry if other people think you are crazy ;). I wiosh I could offer you more advice but I am struggling to listen to my own inner voice and trust in it.