Maybe someone could explain this...

  • I'm a Virgo female and I met this Cancer guy last summer who I really clicked with. We saw each other multiple times a week and he really seemed like he was wanting to make things serious with me. Unfortunately, once fall started I was only able to come home on the wkends because I'm finishing up my degree out of the city. Around this time (fall '08), things started to come up with his ex-girlfriend (a Sagittarius) who he has children with, basically where she confronted me and accused me of trying to steal him, etc. Since then, our relationship has been all over the place. We saw each other infrequently, we talked now and then, but whenever we did he seemed like he was still ino me. I've asked him directly multiple times if he thinks we should just be friends and he usually avoids the questions, but never says no. He also claimed that his ex just likes to start trouble and maintains he's not with her. Even today he says he cares about me and wants to see me but never follows through on any of this. It's been pretty much a year now and I would like to know if I should move on. Even though I care about him and I know it takes a lot of time for Cancers to trust people and move forward, I don't want to waste my time. And honestly, I feel like he has feelings for both of us but he may be afraid to leave the familiar behind and try to have a new relationship with me. Any insight into this?

    I know this was a lot of info (sorry), but if anyone has any advice I'd really appreciate it. Thanks so much in advance.

  • Cancer's are attached to home and family and his ex is probably keeping him close to home by asking him to stay involved with the family. If he is distancing himself from you then you have your answer right there. I mean who can be at two places at one time?

  • Same thing happened to me (and mine was a Cancer guy too). Run like hell and go find yourself a real man.

  • Cancer and Sagittarius Do Not get along.As long is there is trust issues involved.We have very good communication.But, a Cancer cannot handle the fact that the Saggitarius likes it cake and eat it too.Saggitarius roam free too much.They cannot cope in the relationship department.They can't settle down in one place where a Cancer just wants to stay put.This Cancer guy having a kid..Leave him alone to think about what he wants.He's got someone telling him in two different directions on what to do.He's confused.He knows where you are if he wants to come back.

  • Hey everyone, thanks for your input! I didn't know if tarot could answer any of this, so I figured I'd give it a try. Every now and then I'll have moments like today where I'm really bothered by the situation, but for the most part I handle it well. I'm just going to keep keepin' on and see what happens. There's only so much of this I can control anyway...

    Oh and his Sag ex supposedly cheated on him. I thought that would've been an obvious no-go for him considering Cancer trust issues, but throw in a couple of kids and I guess it's not that simple lol.

    Thanks again...if there are any other comments, feel free to add 🙂

  • If his ex whom he has children with wants you to stay away, that means that his child or children still have a chance to have both parents together. Anyone should stay away and let him think things through and come to his senses and go back to his ex. He has a responcibility as a father and is carrying on an illusion that the love with the right one must be perfect. No. It is God that is perfect. Humans are imperfect. It is his responcibility to stay with his ex. He must grow up and accept his choice that he took when he got children with her. I understand men as quite more movable than us women. They easily give up when in trouble. Of course there were difficulties when she was nurturing her baby and he did not get his thing in bed with her as often as before. He would probably do the same to you if he gets a child with you. So you should listen to his ex. She knows that he is movable (from woman to woman), but she wants him to learn to take his responsibility and stay with her and the kids. She is right about what she is saying to you. But it is not your mistake, it is his mistake. And she knows that. And the reason it is a mistake, is because he must stay with his children. You are not a mistake, you just saw that he liked you. But that is not enough. He must also be able to accept his responcibility. And that he has not fully done, even if he says so. The proof is that he left his girlfriend and children for a new relationship with an illusion of freedom. But we must understand that there is no freedom without boundaries.

  • Hi HangedWoman...

    I understand what you're saying but let me just clarify some points. As far as I know (and again, I can only go based on what he's told me and those who knew him before I did), he definitely did not leave her for me. I would never get involved with an attached man, so when we met I was under the impression that he was single because that's what I was told. We have a mutual friend (who's actually my cousin) and that's how we met...he had dated one of her friends prior to dating me, so it's not like he abandoned his family to start something new with me. They'd been broken up for well over a year when we first met.

    I definitely respect the fact that he has children, but I believe you can be a responsible father w/o having a relationship with the mother if that's the case. Obviously I think most people want to be in a relationship with the father/mother of their kids, but the divorce rate in the U.S. has shown us how that works out. Not to mention the number of single mothers and fathers. And while that's a difficult road, many people are successful at it. Her infidelity (and maybe some other factors) drove him away from her, not finding someone else. They'd been together for several years and then he caught her cheating on him. Despite this, as far as I know he's been a caring father and sees his children multiple times a week. In my opinion, staying with someone shouldn't be a "responsibility' as you put it. You make it work if it's good for you as an individual and for the other person as an individual, not on behalf of anyone else. Your relationship with your partner doesn't wholly constitute whether or not your a good parent (although some couples let this affect their children), but certainly your relationship with your children does.

    As far as listening to his ex, I've already listened to her verbally abusive (lol..sounds silly, but true) rants against me, and I've taken very little from them. I know that she sees me as a threat to their relationship and that she doesn't want me to pursue him for obvious reasons. However, she's made up stories about me in the past, so I take any "useful" information she gives with a grain of salt, honestly.

    Again I appreciate your insight but I don't understand where you're getting some of these ideas...are they just personal opinion? For instance, you say that while she was nurturing their child he did not "get his thing in bed with her", insinuating that he left her for other sexual relationships (which didn't happen). I see on your other posts that you don't do tarot or use cards/tools, so how are you coming to these conclusions, if you don't mind me asking?

  • Oh, and just another thing. You say I should stay away so his children can have both parents together, and again I respect the institution of the household which is why I've never made anything difficult. I have my own life and I'm not trying to intrude on his---I want to be a part of his life and to have him as a part of mine if he's willing to do so. Me confronting him about our relationship is just me asking him to be honest with me about how he feels, not making him choose b/t his family and me as a girlfriend. I'm mindful of his family but I certainly have to maintain some sort of leverage for myself in this situation, because if I don't, who will?

    I think people with children should be EXTREMELY careful before introducing a new boyfriend/girlfriend/what have you into their families. He knows this. In the case that we end up together, whenever he's ready for me to meet his children I'll happily do so. And because I know what kind of person I am (a GOOD one, lol), I can say that I would never do anything to jeopardize his relationship with them. I can't see how me potentially being his girlfriend will throw his family into turmoil and make him neglect his responsibilities if he's clear with his ex and all others involved on this front...

  • If245706>>I think people with children should be EXTREMELY careful before introducing a new boyfriend/girlfriend/what have you into their families.

    Sandran>>I agree...Which is why I WILL NOT go/meet a man with small children.I do not need the added drama and aggravation of raising another couple's children,>ow..If..the guy was widowed,It's different.I just will not hook up with a man when both parents are still alive.I am not a homewrecker.

  • I just look at it as this...If you see a man with a child.Think of them as married.And do not introduce yourself .You do not get hurt.If the man has a problem.Then it is his...Now~A~~Days these men have children call themselves married.When they are not really.Common Law is not being married.Unless it's on paper.All it is ..A convenient shacking up option...Judge Judy calls it "Playing House".

  • @Sandran712....i'm also not a homewrecker, couldn't be...which is why the only reason i became involved with him (besides having feelings for him) is because he said he was single w/children...obviously he didn't say he was happily together with the mother of his kids, then he wouldn't have even be considered lol. one thing i can agree with is throwing children in the mix makes it infinitely more difficult. its my first experience dating someone w/kids so what i assumed about the complexity of the situation before i got deeply involved has just been reaffirmed x 10 at this point

    interesting about the "playing house" definitely IS convenient and a comfort zone, which is prob a big reason why he may remain where he is! shakes head

  • Hello if245706, You sound like an intelligent young women, with genuine feelings and I am sure your intentions are honourable, I just want to tell you to consider your future as you are not in the same situation as this man. he will always have this responsibility and their must be a very deep and positive feeling for you .. not one that you question ever as life can be difficult without an other family in the picture ... Just think about that picture before you frame it... Of course wishing you the best. ......... Leonida

  • if245706~~~he said he was single w/children..

    Sandran712~~If I were approached with a guy that said he was single with children.My first question would be ..where is the mother???.If she passed..then fine I would go for it.But, if the guy made it known she was alive.I would take a walk.It's just too much drama.But, this is me.I did not imply you were a home wrecker.I was just speaking of myself in this situation.When I meet a man..just in the grocery store.. what not..I look at the left hand first.No ring I still don't get interested until I hear that he is really unattached,.I know men are pigs.They dance around this separated crap.Thinking they are actually single.Separated is NOT SINGLE.That is just a fancy word to screw around.I have never been married.Not one time at all....I just have this Radar...LOL..My Pisces Moon has very good intuition skills.So I feel a person out before making a move.

  • Hey Sandran...yeah, I've learned that with guys you have to be very particular about language. it's one of those bulls*** things where they try to get around an actual answer by using a euphemism or whatnot. Or even better, lying by omission! Yeah, I mean at my age (early 20s) I don't really encounter too many married men, but I think if he was wearing a ring (he wasn't lol) then I would've noticed. He told me that they had been broken up for a "year and some change" at the point when we met so I took it for what it was (or what I thought it to be. She didn't make herself known until a few months later). Though I do have the tendency to be suspicious of certain people, if you rub me the right way and don't seem shady at all, like he did, then I give you the benefit of the doubt. Or rather, if you tell me something, I'll probably take it to be true unless I smell an obvious lie---and why shouldn't I? Especially if I'm just getting to know you...I shouldn't have a reason not to believe you at that point. So the way I look at in this situation is...I'm not ashamed and I don't feel stupid for "falling for" or believing his lies (or what I think may be lies). It's not my fault he took advantage of a nice, genuine woman. That says something about him, not me. But oh make a long story short, men are dumb 😄

    Ok, let me stop before some guy comes in the forum and accuses me of man bashing or "whining". I only speak the truth!

    Lol, it makes me laugh that you would walk if she (the ex) were alive. Sometimes I believe it would be easier if she wasn't, but I certainly don't wish harm on her or anyone (even if she is psychotic)!

  • Oh and Leonida, thanks for the advice. Sometimes I think I could handle life with his kids even though are situations definitely are different. After all, I'm used to taking care of children (to an extent. I have a large family and spend lots of time with my nephews and younger cousins) and I obviously want to meet them and get to know them. But the babymama drama is just a little bit absurd. I could handle the heifer as well, but only AND ONLY IF he supports me 100% and makes that clear to her. So far I don't sense that. So at this point I just have to let the situation go (or try. It's hard!) Sorry I'm just now saying thanks, life's been so busy! Hope you're well 🙂

  • Back for the 3rd and last time lol....gotta get to bed soon. But Sandran since you're a cancer let me ask Haha. No but really...if you can explain some behavior for me out of curiosity, please do.

    1. If someone hurts your feelings (even in the slightest way) I noticed you said on another forum that you (Cancers in general) don't forget it and you hold a grudge. Now I'm a Virgo, and I definitely can be sensitive sometimes, too...but I don't necessarily hold a grudge, esp. if the relationship I have with that person is important or deep. And if it was a misunderstanding and not necessarily done in a malicious/intentional way. So i guess my question is, why do this? It seems so unhealthy...why not just acknowledge, either internally or w/that person that they hurt you and move on? I mean, does it make sense to you in some way to hold a grudge? If so, please tell me why because it seems like it's something that can be drastic and overdone, and a lot of cancers recognize this but still continue to do so....

    2. So I know you crabs like to disappear for long periods of time....when you're m.i.a. for so long, what are you thinking about the other person? does it ever cross your mind that the other person may get fed up waiting for you and leave? and wouldn't that make you want to connect with them so you don't lose them, esp. if you care for them? or do you simply not care that you may lose them if they get tired of waiting? please explain this one to me, cuz i just don't understand lol

    3. So say you had feelings for someone and those emotions faded, but said person is still into you. Or whatever, maybe you never even liked them but they've made it clear that they like you. Will you be upfront with them about it (in the nicest way possible because I know you guys don't like to hurt others...i think lol)? Or will you sugarcoat everything and possibly string them along out of fear of hurting their feelings? How do you let someone know that you aren't romantically interested in him/her?

    In my situation--and I may have explained this earlier in the thread, idk---me and this cancer were very much connected and into each other. At least on my end I can say that I was upfront but definitely not clingy cuz that's not my style. I told him I cared for him a lot and would like to spend more time with him. He told me that he didn't want to lose me and that he cared about me as well. That was completely fine, I wasn't looking to marry the guy (just yet lol)! So aside from the fact that this could've been bulls*** lies from a guy as we discussed above, is there anything Cancerish about that to you? Sorry to beat a dead horse, but I figure if your a Cancer you might be able to explain. I've long since recognize that men and women, and people are general are so different. And a lot of times you can't explain another's behavior and you have to live with that. But even if I may not agree with some of these "cancer" type actions, i want to try to understand, cuz maybe there's something I'm missing. Honestly. It's the virgo in me lol...

  • lf245706~~why do this? It seems so unhealthy...why not just acknowledge, either internally or w/that person that they hurt you and move on?

    Sandran>>Sometimes we do not do this intentionally.After numerous times of being hurt.It builds up and we put up a wall to keep from being hurt.Lashing out verbally usually how we handle it.I have told people of being hurt first.But, when they are not sincere to my feelings that they hurt me I retaliate.There are cold unfeeling ppl out there.I hate these kinds.The biggest for me is a Capricorn.I have gotten along with Virgos.I think it's a person's behavior trait.Because I am close to a Virgo.When another Virgo man was an A-Hole.

  • lf245706~~does it ever cross your mind that the other person may get fed up waiting for you and leave?

    Sandran>>Yes..I assume when they don't come around they are not interested.I am not hurt.I do miss them.But, I assume they are out playing.And I am looking for a more stable mature relationship.Example..I had a boyfriend when I was 16.He shortly moved away.Met up again a few months ago after 30 years.The chemistry is there.But,I felt being used.Nothing happened...We used to email and call on the phone.But, not anymore.It is like we don't talk anymore.He won't even email.I don't push.He works odd hours.He is a bad boy type.And I am not into that scene anymore.It just invites temptation and you make bad choices.

  • lf245706~~you care for them? or do you simply not care that you may lose them if they get tired of waiting?

    Sandran712>>I miss guys I been with.But, they just won't come back for whatever reason.For the longest time.I pushed them away when I found that they were seeing other women.I just can't allow myself to try with someone that has been involved with someone else at the same time..Kinda like a man dating others..I just feel too much deceit.I can't sleep and have dreams of guys being unfaithful.It is stronger with the men I care most about.With me..I will tell I guy I don't want to see them anymore.I won't string them along.It's not fair.It confuses the relationship whether old or new.But, I break off one to be with another.Not seeing more at once.

  • lf245706~Or will you sugarcoat everything and possibly string them along out of fear of hurting their feelings? How do you let someone know that you aren't romantically interested in him/her?

    Sandran>>I will not sugar coat.I will tell a person it's done..Over..And you tell them you are not interested .Make it for real.Don't call and email..Text etc.Over means Over.Anyone that knows me.Even guys I been with.I've had a few pop in unexpectedly,Will catch me at home.I am a very busy person.I would email anyone expressing my whereabouts.I put my son first.And they know this.I am very honest.What I say.People think I am mean because I am so blunt with my words.I am just so set in my ways.I am a homebody.I know I will never find a man sitting at home.But,being a Cancer sucks for this reason.I got girlfriends that push me out the door.I am meeting the wrong guys for sure.It'shard being in the 40's unmarried.That's for sure..LOL

Log in to reply