I hurt my cancer girlfriend and now shes gone



  • This is is a very hard story to share, but I met her 1 year and 4 months ago, we've been inseparable since. I am a virgo 20 and she is a cancer 18, but not only was she very emotional and all about trust and security, she had a past of negativity, in which truly crushed her feeling of safety. When we began talking and spending time together, I always gentle and kind, and wanted nothing but happiness for us both. We met in july and started dating the start of august. She taught me so much, from patience, to being gentle, to listening, to being aware. She opened my heart and showed me how to love and feel emotions I never thought I would feel before. She has been battling alot of mental issues as well, so it wasn't any ordinary relationship, we had rough times, not like arguments or things I did wrong, I was just starting to understand what she was always going through and she was always so scared I'd be afraid of it all and leave, but she was so wrong. A year passes, no problems, everything was wonderful, issues here and there but we were strong together. No matter what happened we pulled through. We made a promise that we would never leave each other unless I broke 1 one the 3 rules, if I (1) cheated, (2) lied, (3) hurt her or broken her trust if that was physically, mentally, emotionally. Never have I ever tried so hard to keep that promise, and I did for a year and 4 months. In October we finally were on our way to college, we go to the same school. Unfortunately the days leading up to moving to school, we both were so separated because we were so busy focusing on getting ready and packed. Once we finally arrive everything was almost downhill from there. She was crushed, she wasn't one to make many friends, she kept the group small, and kept her feelings as safe as possible, she left behind all that she cared and loved for and she just needed to be alone. My problem was that I never liked to be alone, and so I was afraid and I was worried about her, and I was beginning to devlope an anxiety and I would spend my time alone with my thoughts. It was stressing her out, she started becoming distant, but she promised me she would never leave me, but it was because I was freaking her out a bit and she didnt want to be stressed, so after classes she'd spend time with me but would then leave, and her leaving to want to be away from me only made me think of the worse, and that was my own fault. Because my thoughts were clouded I just didnt know what to do, I was fabricating issues and causing problems that didnt exist. She was going to make some boundaries and rules between us temporarily so that we can make it work, but I just kept freaking out, and I didnt know who to talk to but her. One day she came to the room and I was just panicking and I tried to be calm but for some reason I couldn't, and she became scared of me. I didnt listen to her for once, I didnt trust her for once. She was upset because I was acting irrational and I wasn't believing that she was okay. She got upset and told me to give her a few days. Her best friend is also my best friend so he heard all of it. She was a mess, she said it pained her so much to consider leaving. Her and I were made for each other, I know anyone reading this is probably thinking whatever, but this year and 4 months is something spectacular, it was an emotional roller coaster of strength and love. She finally wanted to talk last night and I was very calm and brave. I stated what i did wrong, i acknowledged everything that had happened, and I've been working on getting therapy at the school to relieve this alone feeling and anxiety, and to understand and listen. She believed me, but what hurt her was that she didnt know if she could trust me again, and we cried for hours, and then we danced. We shared so many memories and it genuinely killed us. Her reason for not wanting to heal was because of her past pain and trauma, shes been hiding that pain, and I was her escape. She didnt want that pain anymore, and now it bled into the only place she felt safe with. She said to me that if I do care about her I would let her go and heal on her own. I asked her if one day we were to heal and to forgive would she want to try again, which wasn't a smart answer to ask now because all she felt was pain and fear. She told me she couldn't, she said she can forgive but she can never forget. All I had to do was give her the space and time she needed and I broke our trust and I hurt her. I asked her if she would ever let me in her life again, we are connected in so many ways, we were such a strong couple. We have the same best friend (he was my friend since high school, and she became friends with him when they met with me), she goes to the same school as me and we will be here for 4 years, shes in my town, shes everywhere and theres just so much pain. Before she said goodbye, I told her that I will let her heal, and I promised her that I'll heal and grow, but I told her that the universe made us to be together, and I know that one day you'll come back and I'll be here. She cried and didnt say anything and we hugged and said goodbye. She promised me shell never stop loving me or caring about me, and she never regrets trusting me and learning with me. It was a special relationship because we were both pure, I never had a relationship before, nor any love interests or crushes or girlfriends. we both learned and grew as people and as a couple together, and everyone thought that would keep us strong forever, but I messed up, and I'm going to get the help I need. My friend has been talking to me today about how shes doing, he's been telling me she cant stop crying because it hurts her so much, to love someone still and want to be with them forever, but know if you take that chance you may get hurt again. I want her to heal so badly, I so badly wish that one day she will take me in her arms again, so very slow. Our love was top great and too strong. I know many comments will be saying shes a cancer and once trust is lost it's not given back or at least not that easy. I understand that, but what do I do. She doesnt want to see me right now, and she doesnt want me to her friend right now, she told me she doesnt know if she wants me back in her life yet, as a friend probably, but that's going to be so hard because we are interwoven into each others lives no matter what. Even now shes still in pain, she still loves me and that's what hurts.



  • Well, if you are selfish and thinking only of yourself, you will try to get back with her and keep after her. But if you really do love her, you will put your own pain aside and let her have all the time she needs to heal. She may never trust you again and you will have to accept that. You both expected too much of each other and nothing can be that perfect. It was more about need than love. Relationships require work and if both partners are as vulnerable and insecure as the two of you are, then a break-up is inevitable. If you ever want to have a good relationship with anyone, you need to work through your issues with yourself. Only when you are whole will you be able to have a strong and lasting relationship with someone else. Don't expect another person to heal or make you complete - that is your own responsibility. The fact that you don't like being alone means you don't like yourself and are not comfortable in your own company. You have to heal your primary relationship - the one with yourself - first before you can truly love anyone else.



  • @thecaptain after yesterday, I've been doing alot of reading and I've been talking with close friends about things. I agree, everything you said is what I've come to realize. I love her, and because I genuinely love her I understand tha she needs to heal from this, and I need to heal from this. However if after I seem to have changed, and after she has seemed to have healed, is it wrong to try to find a real truth in the love we shared. I never wanted to think I needed her and that was why I loved her. I want to find the real reason for love, and if I could find it after all my healing. Could the chance still be there?



  • @zwpro you will both be different people after you find healing, so don't expect things to be the same. You both might find what brought you together in the first place is no longer there. Just be open to love - in whatever form of person it takes! Don't pin all your hopes to one outcome. get on with your life, believing everything will work out for the best. Move forwards, not back.



  • @thecaptain you're right I can't dwell, but that doesn't necessarily mean if in the end I still feel there was a strong connection. We were both hurt and we placed our safety in each other's arms. It took a long time to get to that point and that's where it shifted. Before that we were genuinely happy and we still were but it just became painful for us both and we needed to learn to love ourselves and feel secure for ourselves. I get what you mean and you're right I might move on, but what if I hadn't. Is it wrong for me to try and reconnect? I feel like if I didn't id wonder, I mean what's gonna hurt to say hey I've changed but I still feel a connection and I want to try again in our mature selves to see how things work, and if they don't they don't, but I don't always think that's holding on. I understand the issues I have and she does as well, and we need to fix them, but I'm just saying if we really enjoyed the companionship between each other, why not try again? If she is willing



  • @zwpro i know its still early and I'm working very carefully to say things, which is why i won't answer these yet but I was reading on questions to ask myself why it would even be worth it in the first place. At the moment yes I've broken trust, but if i did or not it was a good time to realize the issues we had and how vulnerable we were. We needed to learn to love ourselves before we love each other. The desperate in me came out and wanted to say things like i can't live without her and she's my everything, but that is selfish because i only felt that because she was my security and I didn't give that to myself nor trust in myself. However good reasons to getting back would be maybe like how was it genuinely healthy and good during the time we were together when we perhaps weren't just using each other for safety.



  • Good luck in whatever path you chose! I hope you find the happiness you deserve Xx