First love returns!

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  • Watergirl18...I know what you're tryingto tell me and I thought got over this abandonment issue already only to realize I'm just going around in circles and now back to square 1 again. As painful as it may seem to me now, I guess I have to start the process now. Thanks again for showing me the right path to take and really feel you're on the right track in what you're doing to help others in their dilemma. Personally, this is some wake-up call and a MUST DO to save myself in search of peace and meaning in my life...really humbling but that's the only way to battle and defeat my demons who have been having a heyday controlling my life for so long. In reality, I'm so scared now of what I will see deep within and need to accept so I can be healed fully! I'm tired of hiding and fighting and just want everything to end suddenly, it's a painful process and really struggling to go back to where I started! I don't like what's happening to me and don't know how much longer I can hold on before breaking down! I will try my very best to start loving myself first...really taking good care of myself and go to a self-imposed retreat to seek counselling. Mentally, I know you mean well and will really be good for my own happiness but I AM SO SCARED now to face the real ME. I've lost myself and don't seem to know my way back home anymore! ANyway, thanks so much and I do appreciate and understand what you're trying to tell me. It's just that I'm so scared to feel the deep-seated pain all over again and keep intouch with my inner child who's been making so much noise inside of me just to be heard!

    My sincere gratitude for your honesty and telling me what I needed to realize. Brightest blessings to you and wishing you all the love and joy you deserve as well!

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  • Hey Angela - For what it's worth, I was in counseling for about six months. It was during the last days of the end of my marriage and was 100% inspired by the fact that my husband was blaming our failed marriage on me and my "baggage". So I set out to prove him wrong. I'll spare you all the details but in the end there was truth in what my husband said, but the truth was that my baggage from a dysfunctional upbringing was causing me to think that my husband and I had a healthy relationship. Shortly into counseling my Psychologist said to leave him before any more damage was done to my self-esteem. The wake-up call counseling can provide you may turn out very different from what you believe about yourself right now. Don't be afraid, the goal is to find the "better" you that you won't release. Trust me, you won't be sorry.

  • Very well said my friends in deed! I've been in a state of introspection lately and trying to get busy since so many thoughts are fighting for my attention and I'm under a lot of stress. So the distractions are a welcome treat during this week-end! This month really started with a big bang and noise that put me off balance emotionally and physically! Anyway, I'm pushing through with the counselling and will make sure it happens soon, needed to take care of myself ahead of the rest! I can't keep on delaying the inevitable and the Universe made sure I got and heed the message...whewww! Just as when I put my first love in the back burner of my life and attend to my inner healing first, he re-entered again and mess up my plans...however, it's not fair for us to re-connect when I'm an emotional wreck and a control freak! I've decided to lie low with him while I'm soul-searching and trying to be a better person, for my own sake. I can't continue hurting and using people to bail me out of this personal struggle. I just hope he will wait around to see me healed and be able to live out our long-time dream. Well, if it's a love worth fighting for, I know it will win out in the end and reap its due reward. I've got so much on my plate now and just have to sort out my life piece by piece, to be able to find the unconditional love I've been searching for. How uncanny things have turned, when old and new admirers suddenly entered my life again, adding more confusion to my already confused state of mind! I just look at it as adding spice and sense of humour in my chaotic existence...hahaha! Kidding aside, my lovelife is the least of my worries now and it seems not to be denied of its importance as well. Jenever7, I'll take your word for it and even if I thought I knew myself that well, I'm open to the grim possibility of seeing many blind spots of my personality, deluding me of the real ME. I feel numb and passive emotionally, maybe tired of fighting with myself and ready to let go of what I've been withholding within...tired of posturing to be somebody better than what I really am. Maybe this is the beginning of my awakening and spiritual transformation which will allow my true giftedness to come out in the open and live out my soul's purpose. Fear no longer holds me captive, whatever will shall be! I couldn't wait to see the outcome of all this transitory phase and I know it will finally lead me to my true happiness and peace of mind and heart. I couldn't thank you enough my sweet angels and guides sent to me from Heaven above. The Heavens must have gotten tired of my cries of woes and torment that I am now being set free from my own personal hell!!! Please continue guiding me as I tread this path less travelled and feared by the weak of hearts. I truly and sincerely appreciate all the love and guidance you've been giving me during this most uprooting moments in my life, and yet hopeful for a brighter tomorrow. Your selflessness to assist me during this journey has touched my heart and soul and believe it's written in the stars. I'm a firm believer in destiny and it's no coincidence that we met in this lifetime coz we are all soulmates!

    Be well always and take care of yourselves coz you've been tasked with a great mission...I know I'm in good company and I love you all from the bottom of my heart! May your tribes increase!

  • Hello there! I'm an emotional wreck right now and in so much pain and yet feel so numb all over, so as not to get in touch with my naked self! So many cans of worms laid in front of me...must I open them all only to loathe myself further or be forced to let go of my self-deception? How much longer must I put up with myself in this never-ending emotional rollercoaster? I wanted to cry out loud and release all these pent-up emotions buried deep down but can only manage to get teary-eyed! This soul-searching is killing me and everything seems to be going wrong in my life now! Am I an evil person or just a victim of circumstances which made me the kind of person many would avoid? I just wanted to be loved and accepted and not to be abused and taken advantaged of. Sometimes, I just wanted to give up fighting, but my pride won't let me do that and can't back out from a big challenge! When I have opened my heart to love and transformation, personal attacks and blows come without let-up and make me beg for some relief and breathing space! I'm really down and out but pretending to be standing up tall so others won't pity this poor little girl who refuses to grow up, maybe...I'm one bundle full of contradictions and inconsistencies right now, do I make sense to all of you? What do I reallywant, rather do I really know what I want in my life? I think I know but the process seem to be difficult and my baggages and the baggages of my first love are really getting to my nerves! Why do I thrive in seeing myself punished and abandoned time and time again? Can I really trust myself to know what is good for me or not? Now I have doubts about myself and seem unable to move on from my past where I feel most comfortable all my life! I'm reallystruggling to make sense of my life now and too scared to step out of my comfort zone! This forum allows me to air these innermost thoughts, or else I'm afraid I might go crazy. It's like something or somebody inside of me is trying to sabotage all my efforts to find long-lasting happiness and love...then squander all the hardwork I've begun and start all over again! Do you see an end to all of this soon? What a stupid question indeed! It all depends on me really but I can't seem to muster enough courage to go on...feel so lost and helpless!

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  • Thank you Wategirl18! As always your wisdom has a way of getting through me...I thought I've managed to become somebody I'm not from my past and now confronted again of this scared little girl who's been playing games with me! Anyway, I will really focus on that Quotation and share it with my first love who is also going through a very difficult phase in his life lately. We're just like 2 blind people leading each other along the way, and getting lost somehow! Anyway, thanks a lot and your inspiring but challenging remarks really stir the fighter in me and will make sure I rise up from these ashes of self-destruction and delusions. Be blessed always and continue to be a blessing to others...

  • Hello there ladies! I've been keeping busy to diffuse a lot of nervous energy lately and it's been doing me a lot of good. Not focusing much on my deep-seated feelings and self-condemnation. I've been going inwards to get the real 1message behind the series of events which have thrown me off balance. But no pain, no glory. Seems like my first love and myself are going on our separate ways and it's too much drama for us to stay together for now, with the long distance between us getting in the way for a clearer vision and attention. Well, my emotions have leveled off and not as desperate to hold unto him for now. The same goes for him I supposed and he's withdrawn into his shell and won't tell what's going on inside of him. So many complications and baggages for us to sort out.An earlier reading between us said something about decisions and betrayal and couldn't believe it might affect him or me? Well, now masks have been removed and the real person inside is starting to show. Anyway, he's so sore with me for reasons not clear to me coz he wouldn't reply to me or connect. I feel I have to pacify and pamper him all the time when his sensitivity gets the better of him. He thinks I'm his possession ready to do his bidding whenever he likes it and must subscribe to his way of thinking and doing things all the time. I felt I'm being taken advantaged of and needs to surrender my power to him knowing how much I care for him deeply. However, I'm surprised how I decided to respond to his passive-aggressive behaviour towards me and just love him still and be patient with him until his mind gets clearer and emotions subsided. I've been mellowed by him and no longer compelled to control him and change him. I feel I must be the one to change for the better and it doesn't matter if we still re-connect later on or not, if he's happy where he is now, I'm more than happy whatever the outcome is regarding our future together. He's trying to hurt me by not contacting me but now it's like I will just stand by him and understand, even if he's driving me nuts.A certain peaceful feeling is starting to pervade my being despite the instabilities within me. Balance and harmony seems to be gaining ground alowly but surely! The anger hardly felt and ready to forgive. Is it real or just a manipulative ploy for me so as not to get hurt further? I knowI can deceive myself many times over. If this is a real transformation born out of strifes and inner conflicts, then I'm glad to have been subjected to this challenges.for the fruits are slowly starting to blossom.

    Much appreciation for all the support and concern you've all said and thought on my behalf. May your tribes increase, inspire us all to move on with life despite the seeming never-ending trials and disappointments. Introspection is doing me a lot of good and time really heals all wounds if seen in the right perspective. Take care always and hope I'll be up and doing well by next week. Be blessed...

  • Peace and light to all of you...last week saw me picking up the pieces of my broken heart and moving on with my life filled with hope and anticipation for a better life for me. I'm not angry, just accepting what's coming to me without any judgments or malice. My focus is what is the Universe telling me behind each occurrence and what lesson/s needed to be internalized? Suddenly I felt a sense of peace and balance in my life no matter what happens outside of me. I can manage to stand on my own and navigate my life where I want it to go, fears notwithstanding! Slowly, my life unfolding before me, especially those parts I don't want to go back to. The struggle is not as intense anymore probably because I have decided to confront all my demons no matter what and give them names. I want to accelerate the process and no more fooling around, the faster...the better so I can live fully in my own terms! It's never too late to enjoy and embrace life's blessings and opportunities.

    It's a nice feeling to be in control of my life again and slowly I can see things falling in their right places simply because I have will it to happen! I hope this is not a burst that will just pop out when a severe trial hits me again! I am forgiving all the people who have hurt me and wish them all well and one of them accidentally bumped into me last week and we had a healing of relationships and it was a very good feeling. My positive thoughts have made this event possible and I know many more people whom I have not yet reconciled with will be brought back into my life one after another! I feel good when only positive feelings emanate from my heart. My first love just emailed me earlier and really made my day. What abundant blessings coming my way when I have decided to love myself first and not to depend on outside influences to keep me happy in the first place. It doesn't matter anymore whether I'm alone, partnered, married or divorced...for as long as I'm happy with myself and truly loved by this person who is always with me and won't ever leave me. I have to stand up for myself and really take good care of myself. I have renewed my fitness regimen and it has helped me release all the pent-up emotions and stress...communing with nature and meeting new people on my way to fitness and emotional wellness! Thanks for all the encouragement and personal experiences I've received through this forum coz I can sense that I am on a journey of a lifetime! There's no more looking back and getting stuck in the past, a new horizon beckons and I couldn't wait to get there soon! Whatever happens to me and my first love is immaterial now, I just want to see him set free also of all the emotional baggages from his past and be healed spiritually! Maybe that's my role in his life now since he doesn't trust anyone and I'm not sure if he trusts me enough to lead him towards enlightenment and self-forgiveness! This seems to be a very interesting development in my life now and many things coming up roses, simply because I have opened up my heart to healing and love...Brightest blessings to all of you and may God's unconditional love descends upon us all!!!

  • Hi, I hope I am doing this right, this is my first post. Anyhow last month I got in contact with my first love. It was a tidal wave of emotions, all good. We were seperated 16 years ago. My birthday is 9/17/1970 and his is 8/31/60(i think thats the right year).

    Anyhow we live like 2000 miles away from eachother. It was great he called me every morning , and all day long we were planning for me to fly down to where he is and then all of a sudden it stopped. Wow, what happened? This has got me so completely confused, and of course the feelings are a little hurt.

    If there is anyone out there who can give me some insight as to what happened and what is in our future if there is any future for the two of us it would surely make life much easier, I need to know so I can either heal and go on or if there is a future I know which way to go.

    thank you

    please help me out. I would so much appreciate it.

  • Welcome to the forum Hece4! In a way, I could emphatize with that feeling of helplessness and despair after he stopped communicating without a word or two, just to let you know if this silence is temporary or permanent in nature. Looks like he's got some serious thinking to do and maybe needed to resolve some past issues if ever both of you decide to proceed with the relationship. Is he still single, married, divorced or maybe in another relationship at this time? I know how difficult it is to keep on waiting to hear from someone special, it could be painfully frustrating and the ego is hurting badly until it seethes with anger and vindication! However, there's not much you can do because you're not in confidence with the real issues he is battling with right now, unless he decides to be brutally frank with you, which is quite doubtful at this point in time. It took me months and years to accept the fact that my first love will not get back with me then, so had to move on without him in my life. But so many unresolved issues between us which were not discussed and processed. Since you reconnected last month, were you able to clarify and resolve what caused your separation 16 years ago? Forgiveness and wiping the slate clean once and for all is a must if both of you stand a chance of really connecting again for what it is worth. At this point, we can only conjure up possible scenarios behind his sudden withdrawal, but it will only stressed you out and put your head on an endless spin. The hardest part is not to take this personally coz your pride will really get a beating for being dumped, whether real or imagined! I hope Watergirl18, Jenever7, AuntBuck or even the Captain has something concrete to tell you to keep your mind at rest. This mind game he is playing on you, can be negated by a secure and assured emotional make-up so you don't have to beg for his attention and consideration. However, this self-respect and confidence may go AWOL because of the unfulfilled expectations from the highly charged reconciliation which went ppppufffed! Try to busy yourself with productive ideas and activities, meet new and interesting people so as to distract yourself from negative and depressing thoughts about him. Give him space and time to get himself sorted, and he will surely get around sooner or later when he is ready. When he realized that you did not wait around for him crying and doing nothing substantial in your life, and your happiness does not depend on him alone, he might eased off and re-consider his options. Men are just commitment phobic when they feel pressured to commit and they're not yet ready, emotionally or otherwise. I hope you'll get through with this dilemma with aplomb and don't hesitate to go back in the forum where you're free to share your private thoughts without being judged and ridiculed. I've found my own groove and met friends miles away who just cared enough to give me a comforting word whenever I felt down and helpless. Take care of yourself coz you are the most important person in your relationship. You won't be able to bring something meaningful in that relationship if you're not centered and balanced within...Hahaha! These are the very words I heard well-meaning people told me about my first love and my own search for unconditional and everlasting love. Good luck!

  • Hello there mates! I am still hanging in here and how the past weeks of dtermination and introspection made a lot of difference in my lfe! Thanks for all the insights and advice to go inwards and seek counselling for myself. This realization has helped me find the balance and inner healing I desperately need in my life in seeking self-love and unconditional life. My career prospects seem to be going great guns and has filled my life with a lot of constructive activities and better earning potential. So many instrumental people coming into my life to help me get through the emotional rut I found myself in these past weeks. My first love still patient and waiting on the wings for a second chance at eternal happiness and bliss...I am searching inside if this is the path I still want for myself or just needed to seek closure for some unresolved issues with my first love and the elation of being pursued relentlessly by him? My life is slowly but surely falling in the right places and I am very patient in making right decisions towards my future happiness. Letting nature takes its course and trusting the Universe knows the perfect timing for it. Take care and will wait for your comments...God bless!

  • Hello there! I'm back from my much anticipated holiday and meeting with my first love after 36 years! What a liberating feeling to realize that things are not always what they seem. Prior to my holiday, I had a sort of epiphany when our online relationship turned a sour note sometime in January. I asked him to talk to his wife and break the news that we are now reunited and I am coming over to visit him in April. Then the long silence...deafening silence which made me realized he was not prepared for it yet, much to my disappointment and heartbreak!!! So, I've decided to write him a message beaking off our re-connection after his reluctance to give in to my request. It was insulting to be made a fool of hoping it was a done deal as far as he concerned. However, I pushed through with my holiday plans to visit my siblings and friends back home in my home country. Prior to April 12, he made contact with me again as if nothing had happened and he is excited to see me again. However, my feelings have changed and I've made up my mind that I am no longer going back to where I was before my break-off letter with him. True enough, my initial meeting with him proved to be a disappointing one and the anticipated sparks were no longer there! What a fool I've been all those times thinking I still carry the torch and is madly in love with him after 36 long years. Finally, I was able to close this chapter in my life and move on from this madness! There's no substitute really for a real relationship, and I just used this one to break free from my marital woes and boredom. Anyway, the more convinced I am that I need to start the legal proceedings for my divorce, for it has reached the time I've allotted for myself after all the hurts and disappointments within the 23 years we;ve been married. It takes 2 to tango, so both of us must take responsibility for the marriage meltdown. I stayed for the wrong reasons and next time around, I vow that it's only love and respect that will tie me in my next relationship, if it comes. Otherwise, I'm more than willing to wait patiently until my soulmate finds me. So long, and this love saga finallly comes to a close. Thanks for all the loving support and wisdom of those who have been there, done that!

    I hope that this personal experience of mine will be a great lesson to others as well, hoping to find true love in their can't and shouldn't be forced, it finds you when you are ready for it as I've discovered! So my journey continues as I seek to find my own groove in the love department and be truly happy and loved unconditionally...bye for now! I am truly blessed indeed for this de ja vu experience for it opened my soul to other possibilities.

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