The captain please
Re: @thecaptain follow up question
I wanted to write you today and say thank you.
A few months ago I came here seeking guidance on a personal problem and wanted to express my gratitude for you sharing your wisdom.
A lot has happened since I last wrote. Ultimately though, my son is still protected and getting a little better each day. I struggled a lot with staying conscious of my thoughts. I started meditating to help me gain more clarity and consciousness.
I also wanted to share with you the depth of my dark thoughts. I thought you should know that I have found the root cause, and even though I played a large role, they were in fact, not my own thoughts. See, I was unaware at the time of our last conversation that my brain had been programmed at a very young age to not love or trust myself. I've finally come to realize the devastation of being an ACOA (adult child of alcoholics) and how it essentially shaped me to attract my mothers energetic twin (my son's father), seeking validation outside the self. So, you see, I was not the dark and negative voice generating fear and discontent in my head all along. It was the voice of the people who birthed me here, the ones who were supposed to nourish, protect, see and love me unconditionally. Their own unconscious dysfunctional programming prevented them from all of those things. That is not my fault.
With this new knowledge, and building on new tools to apply on my recovery path, I feel more hopeful than ever. Even though it is a constant effort to police my thoughts, the knowing that someday I can be the captain of my own ship and live an abundant life gives me strength and hope for a real purpose. My concept of loving myself was so very different and skewed up until recently. I'm practicing only trying to control my actions/reactions instead of worrying about the outcomes of things I cannot control and other people's perception of me. My son and I have started connecting in a way that we never have. And my fear and guilt of the things I did while below the veil has gotten smaller only because I know I cannot change the past. The only way to handle this is to put my best foot forward and hand the rest over to a higher power. This road I'm on is difficult but I will continue everyday, consciously, opening the door to love and light into my life.
I appreciate your wisdom and encouragement. Thank you again for helping me in my time of need.
This is a great outcome for you. It's true, to begin with, we are all rather like computers who are programmed by our parents and other adults who have their own issues to think and act in a certain way (just like them). But as adults ourselves, we can choose to change our programming into something that is more positive and better reflects our true natures and desires. Good luck to you!