Need insight on mum's health

  • @andidilly
    Thank you for the compliment! On that note there is a wise card in one of my decks that says "the things we admire in others tend to be the same attributes we posses ourselves!" ☺

  • @blmoon I am laughing so hard! I just got a mental picture of myself looking in a mirror, and patting myself on the back with a big smile on my face. lol! I admit, I love people with some fire inside!! I relate!

  • @andidilly
    laughter is good! Keeps your head out of the oven. And all my favorite folks are passionate. FIERY. It can go either something amazing or burn down your house. Being Fiery is like carrying a loaded weapon. Choose your battles carefully. I just know like me you really avoid losing your temper. People often mistake your otherwise patient peaceful level headed demeanor for a weakness to step on one time too many. I bet when you do have enough you clear out a room so fast everyone runs for cover and says to themselves....Jeez what was her problem? My psychic used to tell me I wrote my best Poems when I was angry. So true. Better than burning down my own house or Bull stomping over some one who deserved it. But revenge only lasts moments but creating something is a beautiful religious experience! My boys used to joke that if one of then was making me crazy I'd repaint the house.

  • @blmoon omg, I spent so many years burning down the house, and never chose my battles wisely ha! Youre exactly right though, my demeanor doesn’t exactly reveal who I am. But those close to me know, and I’ve let some people really have it. As soon as I do, I get over it. Not sure if anyone else does though, lol. I have gotten so much better, I’m learning to use it in a strategic way instead. I am laughing about the painting. I do stuff like that too. After my divorce I bought a 90 year old house that needed tons of renovation. This old house beat it out of me! And you know what, this old house looks amazing! So true to pump that energy into some sort of project or activity. Figuring out how to control my temper took some time, part of it is I don’t say what I’m thinking when I need to. But yeah, All my close friends are fiery, and I love a good debate! I love it when someone takes a stand or disagrees with me and isn’t afraid to say it. I want to say what I think more often.

  • Hi Andi,

    It may not be in this thread, but there are a lot of peripheral tasks related to caregiving that take time. I don’t spend 24/7 with him. He likes the sofa, and needs help going up and down and the stairs too. He eats very frequent small meals. Helping to keep food in reach. Lots of cleaning up of fallen food, many times a day. I’m wearing a lot of hats. The massage is time consuming too. But its helping him. I’m leaving out a lot here. The second person is because I too have mobility issues and cannot carry heavy loads. We have split the tasks somewhat along that line and also on the things she is better at. If I could do everything, I wouldn’t have time to sleep or eat. There is already a struggle with that, because everything we do, it’s at his pace.

    Also, my sis is the one who insisted that we had to follow through the whole way. I was on the verge of quitting several times. I have simply held her accountable to be as involved, at the same standard she is expecting of me, and to hold responsibility for her beliefs.

  • Hi Blmoon,

    First, I never meant any harm by saying that. I can see why you’d take offence, but it wasn’t my intention. He’s just a cat to you. But I hope you understand, to me, he’s the most precious thing. He’s on a higher level to me than most other people. I would give my life for him. So that is the esteemed place with which I made that comparison. You may not agree. You don’t have to.

    It’s easy for situations to be blown out of proportion, on forums and social media. It is only a snapshot - you don’t see the whole picture, and the complexities. You’ve formed a catastrophic image and assumption of my cat, which isn’t accurate. He isn’t lolling around, immobile and completely at the mercy of the environment. I have also shared some time back that it’s also the other peripheral tasks – laundry, cleaning up after meals (he eats small meals very frequently), any cleansing or normal grooming, massage therapy, etc. All these take time. And we do it at his pace. And I have said this many times that vets and their vet techs have told us he is not ready. We specifically sat down with the vets to discuss end of life issues multiple times because we were in doubt too. It’s hard watching him decline. They also told us about quality of life, and then said he just doesn’t fit the criteria. It’s like yes you shouldn’t need to give up everything to do this, and yes we understand the mobility and all the age related issues and all the care he needs. But he is still alert, bright-eyed, eating and drinking normally, using the litter box etc. He’s not ready. That animals who aren’t ready do suffer and struggle if put down. They say what we’re doing is correct, keep going. But keep watch in case things change.

    Everything we are seeing with him suggests it is not his time. His vets say the same thing. Our intuition says the same thing. And you say otherwise. We even asked him because we do talk to him a lot. He was fearful when we even asked if he was ready to go. So we decided to trust, and wait for him to be ready, no matter how difficult, and have to remain vigilant everyday and be ready, in case he’s suddenly ready to go, or if his mobility no longer works. He is in already transition and he is starting to let go. My feeling is that it is soonish, but we are still following his lead. Because we were wrong before. I’ve been candid about what I'm doing. Yet somehow its my fault for keeping him here. An insinuation of neglect and abuse, when it is anything but. And in true social media fashion others just weigh in on it without knowing the backstory. I have followed my instincts, intuition and medical advice. I have tried to do right by him. Imagine how I feel.

    You say that no one has judged my actions as invalid. But did you read your post, are you not ridiculing me for doing all this for a cat? Have you not judged as invalid, my actions, because you don’t equate cats as the same as humans?

    To be honest, I too have felt insulted multiple times, and didn’t say anything. Because I appreciate your candour, and I know you are trying to help, and perhaps prevent me from making the mis-steps other have. But I do experience some things as being rude, condescending, projections, false equivalency and black and white thinking. I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way. It’s just how it comes across. There are many things that have been attributed to me or my experiences, that do not fit who I am, my motivations etc. Like I’m being pigeon-holed into labels, because there may be parallels. For instance, I have a nurturing streak but I don’t identify with being a caretaker – I have never been in that role - that’s why this experience is so hard for me. I had to allow myself to evolve and learn. I never said I think caretakers should give over their whole life. Or that it is supposed to look like that. I said it does happen. I believe caregivers should be able to juggle and have a life. I tried to. I made work from home arrangements previously, and I even tried to go part time. I tried to get help wherever possible. Eventually that wasn’t enough, so I evolved.

    You said that I haven’t taken action and you said I don’t give up control. Are you saying that because what I do doesn’t follow advice or recommendations? You know, it may not suit your definition and I may seem in stasis and only complaining, and your effort on me seems wasted – but so much has changed for me and my approach, beliefs and outlook. A lot of it is because of what I’ve applied to what I've learnt here. 3 years ago, I didn’t trust the Universe one bit. Now I trust in divine order and timing, even if I struggle against it. I’m trying to grow in grace and gratitude so that I don’t get stuck feeling in despair. I used to stew in my thoughts and I’m getting better at communicating them. I don’t use the forums as much, because I’m learning to hear my own intuition. We’ve been shifting the narrative in our home, trying to clear up generational and ancestral karma, so that all of us can move forward. It’s not just about the caregiving. All the insight and manifestations didn’t come on their own. I’ve worked for it, prayed for it, heeded it. Everyday, I listen for insight and advice on what to do and I take action where its needed. If you look, you will see that I’ve often asked questions on how to understand issues or people, n why things are this way or that, or how I can improve myself or the situation. It’s not complaining for its sake. I’m trying to improve. And it’s useful to learn from others who have also been tested. I don’t talk about it to anyone besides my sis. Others have no idea and they can’t tell I’m going through something. I share a lot here, because this is what I considered to be a safe space to be vulnerable.

    I wish this could be a place where we could hold a respectful space for each other to seek solace and help, to share and find their own truth, even when we don’t agree with any of it. Where we can share our truth without needing to make others wrong for their beliefs and choices. And where we can allow for expansion of perspectives. No one has all the pieces, and for good reason.

    I always knew there would be a limit to continuing this dialogue, because we’re just coming from such separate places, and it must seem that you’re giving answers repeatedly and it’s not heeded. Just know, that the advice is noted. It’s not wasted. I can’t right now but one day, I’ll be able to draw from that to move forward. So be well, and thank you for everything.

  • You asked a question, how do I get my sister to help more. And you got answers. Basically you described how you have been agonizing over this. The answer is very simple. Things changed, she doesn’t want to help as much. Acceptance is your key to feeling better. We all have to come to this place when we don’t get what we want. This is a shared experience among humans. The details between you and your sister are irrelevant. Also the details about your caregiving for the cat are irrelevant. You assume people don’t understand what caregiving is. You miss the point that any living thing requiring “2 or more people” to keep it alive is not independently living. You also miss, but is obvious to others, how you stepped out of the role of caring for your mother. It was too much, very hard work. That’s ok for you. Yet you complain, and look for ways to force more from your sister and scold her for pulling back a bit on caring for a cat. It’s just a little bit obtuse

  • @andidilly Hi Danceur, If you're gonna take care of your parents, gonna have to forget the mistakes of the past. They're in a whole different phase of their life. If you do decide to caretake, gonna have to do some things for yourself. Letting go is hard but you need to do this or find someone who can help you. I don't know if you have "in fighting" in your family as to who's gonna take control but you can't let this bother you either. Really. I speak from experience as I have care=taked my mom for 2 yrs now. Sometimes you'll catch flack from the medical profession. That's ok too. You have to be tough as nails and I'll say everything has a purpose. You may not see it here in this life but you will in the next.