How Do We Let Go Of These Men We Are Obsessing Over????

  • Hi Everyone!

    Question for you all, and most of us seem to be going through this right do we release and let go of these men we are obsessing about?

    I've got a man situation going on (nearly 10 months now), as have a lot of us, and I know in my situation I have realised that I need to make some changes within me to be a better person in a relationship (eg. learn to trust myself more, be more open and vulnerable and express my feelings instead of shutting him out and guarding my heart too much, get past that fear of putting myself "out there" only to be hurt, let down, have it thrown back in my face etc etc etc).

    I felt this man is part of my future and that the potential is there with this guy for things to work out between us. But we have these misunderstandings due to lack of communication between us and after another falling out which left me feeling guttered, I know I must let go of him, stop obsessing over the situation and what is going to happen in future and if things will work out or not and focus on myself and making myself happier (not that I am unhappy being single, but we would all that someone special in our lives to share things with).

    I know that energetically I must give out the vibe that I am needy and this must be pushing him away, and that until I release him and focus more on myself and balance myself out I will not be in the right headspace to attract any kind of quality relationship. do I do this? How do I let go of him, stop thinking about him, stop the expectations and just let things happen as they should naturally? So that means letting go of the outcome and not worrying about it and if it is meant to be it will be and if it is not, then by letting go now before I allow my emotions to be even more involved than they are already, will mean I won't be setting myself up for a possible fall and heartbreak.

    I feel like I have been going around and around in confusion and I need to stop!

    I KNOW what I need to do, but how the h e l l do we go about actually DOING it?????

    Please advise on what you think!

    Many thanks in advance.

  • To let go is a spiritual experience. You can not let go with your mind. Only by stopping to use your mind. So stop using your mind on these thoughts. To stop thoughts is a spiritual gift. It is a gift from the divine. So learn to trust the divine more, and you will see that the thinking gets a weaker influence on you. You can not trust the divine with your mind. You can not surrender your thoughts with your thoughts. It is a gift from God.

    So the answer is: It is impossible. But nothing is impossible for God. So learn to trust God and you will experience that the mind has less influence on you.

  • Thank you THW, it's 1.00am and definitely time to go to bed. I'm so tired that what you have written is not making a lot of sense, but will reread and absorb tomorrow.

  • The way I got over a very difficult situation like that was thinking that tomorrow is another day.

    for exemple, you feel devastated thinking your never going to be happy without him, just think, I think about that tomorrow, and you'll see that everyday hurts less and less untill eventually dont bother you anymore.

    It takes alot to do this, but is possible, cause I did it.

    It will also work to find something to do and ocuppied your time.

  • Take each day as it comes. Stay focused on your daily life. Do things that will build your confidence. The things you have always enjoyed doing that make you feel good about yourself. For example; a walk in nature, helping a friend in need, creative hobbies (writing, drawing, photos). Spend time getting closer to people in your life that love you the most. I went through horrible grief last year with my son being diagnosed with cancer and the break up of my truest love. These are the things that helped me to not jump ahead and stay focused on doing the things I was meant to do. A year later and I feel on top of the world again. I hope this helps you. xoxoxo

  • Just trust in God, and know that he makes no mistakes. He is the only person that you can have complete faith and trust. No human on this earth can be for you, what God is, because as they are of flesh and bones, they have the will to disappoint and let you down. When making decisions we must know that any that are made too easy, may not be what is good for you. Especially if it does not cause you to make any type of life changes or give up anything. To us it is easier for us to remain in a situation because we have gotten comfortable and we don’t want to deal with changing it, and we feel the changes are too hard to do. Most good sound decisions are going to cause some type of sacrifice that we might not like.

    Now the letting go part. I just think about all of my past relationships, and how each time the new one was always better than the last in some aspect, because I had learned from the last. Each time, I got a little more of what I wanted, which made me demand it more in the next relationship. So, just know that all you have accepted in this relationship will be present in the next and look forward to what may better. Sometimes we look at our current situation and know that it was better than our last, so we don’t want to let go, for fear that you have gotten all that you are suppose to get. That is where your trust in the Lord comes in and you know that he has more for you. I hope I made sense.

  • I was like that in since puberty to my 20s. I wasn't obssessed with men. I was obssessed with the idea of having a companion. I forgot that I am on my own person and if I choose to, being single won't harm me in any way. So the universe threw me a bunch of liars and manipulators into my life. I fell for each one of them and for each one of them I paid a price for being involved. My parents were protective so they'd rather see me single than having a man at all, brokenhearted or not. My friends, turned out not friends at all, were not there for me. With no one to turn to, I spent possibly 10 years of my life looking for the answer. I didn't find it in religion. I didn't find it in astrology, which was my fave reading at the time. No one and nothing can give me answer. But I refused to believe that I have hit a dead end. So I decided to apply for work in a place out of town. I thought maybe someone in this new place knows. I was hired and had to relocate. The boss offered me to stay with his daughters for free so I agreed.

    I had my own room. small, just the bed and one closet, no window. I was excited anyway. It got quite dark at night and I didn't have any candle with me. But I needed the rest so I slept anyway. Not long after I closed my eyes, I felt the wind. I thought maybe I have forgottten to close the door. But something pinned my body in a way that I couldn't move. It wasn't human. I was scared didn't want to open my eyes. I heard its voice, close to my ear but there was no breathing in between. It asked me 'who are you. what are you doing here' I was too scared to open my mouth to answer. but apparently I didn't have to. after some seconds of silence, it said to me 'love first. everything else will come'. and just as sudden as it began, it was over. I could move again and I opened my eyes this time but there was nothing and the wind also stopped.

    It was then I understood. I had done nothing wrong to these men but I certainly had wronged myself. I gave them what they wanted, but I didn't give myself what I need. Just like I love them, I have to love myself. It took me many years to find this out but the experience itself opens my eyes that beyond this life and people that we encounter, there is a bigger force. that we are not alone in the universe and we are not supposed to feel alone, therefore we are not supposed to give up who we are and what we stand for, in order to gain someone's love while we deserve the truth. if the truth is they don't love us back, why should we give in to them? are we less a person than they are? are we going to live our lives and die without doing anything that is meaningful even for ourselves? if love is the truth, than why should we love those that don't love us back? aren't we lying to ourselves by doing so? don't we deserve love, therefore the truth?

    so there I have my answer. since then I simply say NO to a lose-win relationship, to a love-no love relationship. I was 22 at the time. I don't want to waste any more of my life in a lie. I want love-love relationship and I started it by loving myself. 3 years later, I fell in love again. Astrology says a lot against our future but my heart says 'you know what to do. go for it' and we got married. Been together for almost 9 years. My hubby is a Cap all the way. He talks about himself a lot. Something tells me that if he loves himself then he knows how to love me. That is how our marriage lasts. we love each other but we don't forget to love ourselves. So there is no feeling of being a slave and being a master, we have assumed both positions when time calls for it. For 3 years I fought for my new found lesson, my fear of being single and die without companion. And finally I found the right companion. I was 25 when we got married. my so called friends are like 'huh? you found someone? what's the secret?' I said 'it's a secret' think I would tell them, when they let me go through it alone, being so 'unfriendly'? nope. they're gonna learn it themselves. and I'm going to enjoy the fruit of my own work.

    I poured my heart out to answer this post, for you to believe that nothing and no one can take over you and your life, if you don't let them. Even the universe will not take you, if your time on earth is not done. So don't let anything, obssession, despair, fear whatever it is, control you. because none of this is even worth your time. why? because something and someone better is waiting for you. you just have to untangle yourself from this **** I don't even know the right word to call it. free yourself. get a new hobby, relocate, do things you never get to do, what is the craziest thing you can do without hurting anyone or getting into jail? do that. have fun, life is short. count how many years of your life have been spent for meaningless things, make a new start, this time meaningful. tell these guys 'may my dog s crew you, cause I will s crew someone better than you'

  • Thank you THW, Queenofwand, Lovinmylife, Nciteful and Leoscorpion for all your opinions and advice, it certainly gives me a lot to think about and has been very helpful. πŸ™‚

    This guy is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing at night before I go to sleep. I do keep busy, but the mind has a will of it's own at times and my thoughts stray to him!!!! I keep pushing them out! It's hard NOT to think of someone you care so much for. But I will try to think more of myself and other things and keep myself busy doing the things that I am doing and keep focusing on other things that I have got going on and let the future take care of itself and unfold as it should.

  • Wenchie, when I was grieving over my boyfriend I couldnt stop thinking about him either, actually still think of him its just less painful...anyways, I drew pictures of him looking really silly I also have a program on my computer that I can draw on photographs without ruining them. It was very theraputic for a little while because it helped me to stop taking him so serious. ( ;

  • Lovinmylife,

    You've just reminded me that it's time to bring the FUN back into my life. I miss the fun and the laughter! I need to reconnect with my innerchild. πŸ™‚

    Thank you.

  • Does anyone else have anything to add?

  • I do! I know, a couple weeks late to the party!! I have a complex relationship with a Cancer I really need to say more? Anyway, when you feel a relationship should go thru certain steps and be a certain way by a certain time, your bound to be disappointed. I can make sales presentations and get the results I want from big corporations but, in my relationship..phhhh! I'm open and not afraid of emotions. I love me! He knows that when the day comes that I want to tell him I love him, I'm going to and he knows he doesn't have to tell me it back. But, after 8 months, I wanted him to be gaga over me and wanting to spend his free time with me!! ( I call it my Disney Movie syndrome) The reality is, we are building a realistic relationship based on friendship. Ever notice we give our friends more leeway to mess up and just be themselves then we do the one we say we love and want to spend the REST of our lives with? And with our friends, they can say a smart@s.s remark and we will laugh and banter with them but, our man, we get all b.u.t.t hurt and make a big issue out of it that last for years! Me and mine have hit 8 months, I brought that up in a text, next day, he was a smartie about things, I laughed soo much and soo hard, he even made a smart@s.s comment about my laugh. Now everyone that hears my laugh makes some comment, it's mischievous! So no, I didn't get my feelings hurt!! I made smart@s.s. comments back to him too. We have rapier wit! It was a wonderful day. I only see him once a week because of the business.

    Sometimes we obsess after because we aren't done yet. When you make an emotional investment, it's not like withdrawing your money from a bank and closing the account. more like cashing in your stocks and wondering if you did it too soon, wondering if you want to reinvest or not. It's OK to obsess, just don't take up stalking! Sometimes if you just accept the fact and become OK with the emotions without trying to explain them away or wish them away, the hurtful power gets changed. makes you stronger and makes you feel amazed that you can love that deeply and soo profoundly . Accept your emotions.

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  • Wish I knew Wenchie I really do but I have no answer for you and I wish I did cause of how nice you've been to me.

    After all the men problems I've had in my life I'm still looking for that answer.

    I think life is a learning experience and maybe one day we'll come up with the answer.

    Hope is eternal. : )

  • I read AriesPiscesCusp answer and I'm in that same boat.

    I studied Psychology and realised that that 2 serious relationships I've had resembled features of my first crush.What silly things our mind does.

  • Thank you to all for the more recent replies....

    I have seen him again since, things are going slowly. I should probably clarify a few things here.

    Firstly, I am a VERY independent woman and I have no problem with my own company, in fact I do my own "disappear into the man cave" thing!!!! I get to the point of needing time out from everyone and have my own time out on my own to chill out. I like my downtime on my own as well and couldn't cope with a "needy" guy. I also live on my own, have for more than two years since I left my ex husband the only time I have ever felt scared living on my own was when my ex was harassing me and came over uninvited and I was hiding from him. So I'm not a woman that "needs" a man, I can pretty much look after myself (I've become awesome at unblocking toilets and the like!!!!!)

    I have not been short of male admirers or offers, but I am a little old fashioned in the sense that I am a "one-man woman" and not really interested in going out and picking up guys, the casual thing really doesn't interest me and my life is actually quite busy so I really can't be bothered wasting my time.

    BUT, this guy.......I met him, he intrigued me. I found him interesting, intelligent, good sense of humour and a really nice guy. We become involved s e xually (NOT like me at all to do the playfriends thing). Few things happened along the way, and I even stopped seeing him for a while and dated another guy. Then while I was dating the other guy, he contacted me and I was blown away by how much I missed this guy, I wanted to see him more than anything but didn't because I was dating someone else. It hit me and I was shocked, blown away, amazed......I thought oh my God, I really have feelings for this guy, I'm falling for him. I have never been able to put him out of my mind. No matter what happens with us, we have both tried on numerous occasions to walk away from each other, and BOTH of us cannot, we keep coming back. It's like something keeps pulling us back together, like a magnet attraction. I know he feels the same connection that I do.

    Anyway, the thing is, I certainly don't stalk him in any way, not my style. I give him plenty of space. But my heart and mind won't let him go, he is constantly in my thoughts, and that is the thing I find hard, trying not to think of him. He knows how I feel. He has let me in a little here and there and though I believe we will end up together, I know he is still struggling with issues from his past and he's just a slow guy to come forward, there is no rushing him! It's just frustrating waiting for him to get there because i am ready, but is not quite there.

    He does care for me and lets me know in his own ways, although he can be confusing and give mixed messages. In one way I am so patient and in others I am so impatient and want to know NOW what is happening and where things are going. (Hey, don't we all!!!!)

    So in the meantime, I continue on with my life, doing my own thing and taking one day at a time with the situation with him. πŸ™‚

    Gee I've rambled again.......LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

  • 2knowmeis2luvme, AriesPiscesCusp, TaurusGirl1974,

    I wish you all the best with the men in your life, we all deserve to be loved! πŸ™‚

    I am Taurus Sun, Virgo Moon and Virgo Rising Sign.

    R is Taurus Sun, Cancer Moon, Cancer Rising Sign.......need I say anymore.....LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

    So we have 2 independent Taurus, and Taurus are notoriously slow to give their heart away, we have to be really sure and add to that, we have both been VERY hurt in the past and both trying to guard our what do I expect!!!! LOL!!

    You know I didn't want to fall in love again just now, didn't mean to...want to...tried not to and something just said wake up to yourself and accept how you feel. It's a little SCARY. I am not the sort of person who depends on other people, I feel like every other person in my life has let me down, so I have my walls. I want to let them down and let myself go and on the other hand I'm afraid to. And he mirrors me (as so often happens!!!!) Could be part of the lesson with both of us. :-).

    There I go rambling again........ :-))

  • Frankly my dear, I think you are having an adventure! You know the saying, if you let something go and it comes back to you its yours? You saw the possibilities of a future with this man and now you want to get to the good parts, RIGHT NOW!! I was like that with mine too. Cancers come at you sideways and slow. 3 months ago, I was soo frustrated, I asked if he wanted to stop seeing me. When he got done with a job, 485 miles away, he drove all night to come cuddle and spend time with me. He and I are going to be in each others lives for years!! He and I understand each other without speaking sometimes. You have the same thing with yours. Besides, we know we can't uninvest our emotions. Your scared because it's something that's important. I bet you get butterflies when you get ready for your dates with him. I do with mine. I dated so much before him, I never got butterflies with other guys. It's wonderful that you can love again. Love is always a wonderful thing. So, no matter what anyones advice might be, you already know what your going to do. No one is an expert on your relationship but you. Pulling down walls usually come down brick by brick plus, when you go from feeling the walls are no longer your sanctuary but your prison, it gets a bit easier to tear them down. Give yourself time. People will always "let you down" because they are human. You may not have realized it but, you've "let people down" too. We all have. We can not possibly please all the people, all of the time. We all seem to "expect" from others and we "expect" them to already know what it is we want. Relationships are not about arriving at a destination,it's about the learning, sharing and growing on the journey! Dont let the past be the pattern that you write your future on. I can honestly say that Everyone on this site has had their heart broke but, they are still hopeful of healing and having loving bliss. I've got horror stories that make people wonder how I can still believe in love and relationships!! I still do!!

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  • AriesPiscesCusp,

    LOL!!!!!! Oh no......I didn't take it the wrong way at all!!!!!! πŸ™‚

    No need for apologies, I honestly didn't think that you were meaning I was a stalker. But I know there are a lot of people out there that are that obsessed with another that the texts and calls etc never stop (I had 2 years of it with my ex). I just have this guy in my mind (and my heart) non-stop! I think about him constantly, maybe because we don't spend enough time together for me! But I do realise he needs his space right now. He always comes back, but I miss him in the meantime. The good thing is the time in between him coming back is getting shorter. Sometimes when I am with him I feel like he really wants to open up and tell me how he feels, but loses his nerve!

    Ahhhh, we'll get there! πŸ™‚

    I sent him a pic of me via text saying "remember me!!!!!" In a rather silly mood today and I'm tired (makes me extra stupid) so I also sent another one of me with a silly face, eyes crossed and tongue poked out and told him to smile and enjoy his day!

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