Help and advice needed

  • Ive been with my partner for 10 years, have two children, a beautifull house and ofte a happy life.

    Sometimes life is a bit stressful, i often find myself beign teh strong one- getting things done organising everyone- i also take on responsibility of looking after his family alot and helping them.

    About five-six years ago i met a man through my work, when i left he admitted he liked me but didnt want to take me away from my family, that if i ever left my partner he wouldnt want it to be because of him. I stayed freinds with this man ever since and we are very close, he is my best friend. He met another woman about 2 years after we met and they have been serious fo rthe last two years, they were goign to get married but that fell thorugh as they had some problems, but he has admitted that now he doesnt want to marry her- he still loves me always has and always will.

    I do love him adn often dream of runnign away with him- i know hed make ME much happier than my current partner, not that i am unhappy just content, however i worry about my kids. I was bought up in a broken home adn want better for my children.

    what should i do?

  • You have thought of the serious effects that leaving would have on the children. If you split your family up to be "happier" and it fell through, then what ? You have the responsibility to teach your children about life and the meaning of family. What would they think if you made them experience the pain that it would involve when the fact is that you have a husband, their father, that is not harming you in anyway. Get closer to your husband. Read some books about reconnecting and ways to inhance your marriage. Go to a websight . There are so many ways to build on what you have, Your family needs you to be strong. I have gone through life on the other end. I have 3 beautiful children and have raised them by myself. I mean with the help of my family, The, what I call sperm donor, became addicted to alcohol and began to abuse us, he is prison. It could be so much worse. This person that you married is not perfect. None of us are. Give yourself worth and meaning by bringing your family closer. Don't be ungrateful ! Get the most out of your family life by not hurting the people that depend on you to be a leader, teacher, and friend. What if your husband left you for the same reason ? Would that make it right ? Would it be easy to not to feel betrayed ? When your children sat in front of you crying and telling you how much they miss the way that things used to be, what would you tell them ? What is really important to you ? Make it a point to grow spiritually. Take the time to realize that the grass is not always greener on the other side. In fact it can be very brown because of the fact that when you make a decision that has such detremental effects on your psyche, you will never be able to recover the piece of mind that enables you to be truly happy. Take the time to discover what you can do for others by volunteering with the sick in a hospital or maybe with some organization that helps feed or clothe the hungry and deprived children of your community. What you give is what you get. Life is not about getting, but about giving. You are very fortunate to have a healthy family and the ability to establish a safe home where all of you can prosper. Think about it, Close your eyes and think deeply about how you would feel to lose what you wake up to everyday. I often used to think if only if I could have just one thing different. All the times that I had bruises all over my body from having to protect myself from a person that I loved with all my heart. The pain that I endured watching this man destroy everything that we had worked so hard for. And I wouldn't change anything because when I was able to grow from pain, I am able to be grateful for what I have. I watch and read about the people that this very moment are coming home in a body bag from around the world that are giving their lives to make this world a better place to live in. Hopefully. What do you think you would be feeling if you were the wife of one of these people that just lost his life fighting for our freedom ? You would just want to be able to hold your husband just one more time and tell him how much you believe in him. Be the one to be living the dream right where you are. God Bless You and Your Family, Kim

  • I think you misunderstand me- im not even married. He wont marry me. I support him in every way possible yet im not good enough to commit too. I have tried wiating but nothign comes of it. I just feel sometimes we are bth just with eachother because of the kids and neither one wants to admit it because we are frightened.

  • I think that you are using "escapism" or daydreaming. We do that when life gets boring and our hopes, dreams and wishes don't seem to be fulfilled. The reason I say this is because you didn't really give any examples of how the other person would better fulfill your needs. I would be real cautious about this. This is just my first impression. Remember what your first friend has done for you. If you count your present blessings, maybe there's more than meets the eye.

  • ok- i think i need to be a bit more detailed.

    I met my partner when i was 16. I have raised his child from a previous relationship, as well as my own two- he never buys anythign for teh children, i pay for all that adn teh up keep of teh house. I have also raised his nephews adn his younger brother as hi sfamily just do what they want to do and leave there kids behind knowign ill take them in. He never supports me when it comes to his family either, he lets them walk all over me, they can say adn do what they like knowing i wont say anything because i dont like family rifts, but also knowing he wont defend me either. I have also worked full time up until thebirth of my last child last year. I had a good job a well paid job, but it was extremely stressfull to the point where a few years back i had a breakdown. Did my partner take time off work to be with me? no he did not... did his family rally round me? no they did not ( i havent any family of my own). I had to continue this stressful job because the job he did wasnt paying enough to support our family and he refused to find another because he enjoyed workign with his mates.

    He has also been unfaithfull to me several times, i dont know to which extent ( whether he has actaully sleptwith anyone else) but i know he has had emotional feelign for others during our relationship adn has kept secrets from me( this is before i met the person im thinking about now).

    We never go out- he never takes me out or spends money on me. More often than not if we go on holiday I pay for it.

    Now im not working i am putting myself through college- i had my exams a few months ago and did he take time off work so i could get revision in- yes...but he went away with his freinds for the weekend..

    I just feel that he is not there form me. And every time he isnt the other man is. Not that igo running to him- in fact we rarely see eachother, because we know what will happen if we do, adn we know its not right. I think ive seenhim twice this whole year.

    I dont think the other person would better fullfill my needs persay, but im just stating that he makes me happier, and i feel he would continue to do that. Not that my current partner makes me unhappy obviously.

    Can i just add aswell, im not married my oartner has proposed three times and three times ive planned and orgnaised the wedding and he just ignores never goes through..

  • think,long an hard an do not forget to add god into the mix.....

  • Hi Godzangel, I always read and pay attention to the first sentence and last paragraph. Your very first sentence says that you have a happy life. But, as I read more, I wonder how you have endured so long. Because of time I'll try to keep this short. You don't have any family so that's a problem. Try to talk to someone who is going to support you. You aren't getting the support you need. There's probably several avenues--clergy, counselors, womens centers etc. Make a list of what you have to do to get your life in order. If this man helps you, maybe you should talk to him, also. I see that you are being treated as a doormat. You need to speak your needs also in a calm and serious manner. This helps people know where you are coming from and what you expect from them. If they don't meet you half way, then the blame can be placed on them. Good luck and I wish you the best. I know how you feel. I hope you can put your positive energy in a positive atmosphere.

  • i truly believe in following ur heart. you dont want to look back on ur live 10 yrs from now and think to urself "what if" or something like that. i have ben in a similar situation. i was dating a guy for two yrs and my ex came back into my life. i couldnt help the feelings i had for him....but i was afraid of hurting my boyfriends feelings. i ended up following my heart and got back wit my ex and i am so happy...i wouldnt change it for the world. remember you are not responsibl for his happiness...just what will make u happy. i understand u have kids..but if it is meant to be it will all work out...i promise...god works in mysterious ways!! being with someone while having feelings for someone els will eat you up inside*

  • If he has not married you by now he never will, I was with someone for 11 years and he always said we would get married, but we never did,,,,,If your not happy move on because you are just comfort for him.......thats what my guy told me I was comfort the kids and I took care of everyhing and he had the comfort with out being married and when the kids got older he left me for someone else and there I was older and starting over after all that wasted time......I never thought he would hurt me like that but he did........6 years on my own and I am still not ok with it...........sorry kids grow up and have their lifes and leave you something do you want to end up alone with no one to love you...........a man who can be with you for 10 years will never marry you and does no love you like he should or he would have been married to you by now...............I lived it and I know what happens........please do not let it happen to you life is too short!!

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