It's just not right.
I am wondering if there is anyone who can give me some insight. I am 25 years old, the mother of two absolutely brilliant and beautiful children and I have a man who loves me. The problem is that I am just NOT happy. Not even a little bit. This didn't just happen its been this way for years, probably about 4 years. I try to go out and have fun and I try to have fun at home but I am so unmotivated. I was working at a local convenience store from last june until about a month ago and working there brought out this inner rage I never even knew I had. I used to be the type of person who was complacent and timid. I would get upset if people even raised their voice at me. But something about working in that environment, where people are constantly disrespectful and ignorant towards me just made me change... roughened the edges so to speak. In fact, I got fired for getting in a physical fight with a customer when I was getting ready to leave work. This sort of thing is totally out of character for me. Before this I had also been the only one in my house working as my boyfriend (no we are not married) was out of work for over a year. Thankfully ---somehow---it worked out that 9 days after i was fired, he began a new job... these sorts of things always happen to us... in fact our lives seem to revolve in this huge circle.... also.. two weeks after i lost my job our house was broken into and all of the new things that I had JUST bought our family to enjoy were stolen.. new television, laptop, xbox and wii gaming system and all of my TODDLER"S games for the wii.. it was devastating. And of course things have been worse since then.
The problem is that I just don't know what to do. I know that I need to find some kind of part time job to supplement his income, we are behind from the weeks without pay before his first check... nowhere is hiring and I can only work part time now because of his hours and the children. I guess it really is that I just do not know what I can do with myself that would keep me satisfied. Every job I've ever had in my life I eventually hated. I am not the kind of person who doesn't work, I have a very good work ethic and people who are lazy get on my nerves. I am always the person who goes above and beyond... its just that at some point I just can't stand being there anymore. I dread getting up every day and doing this same mondane thing... I have been to college FOUR times since I graduated HS and each time I am just so unmotivated.. it doesn't make any sense. I know for a fact that I am intelligent, and lots of things interest me. I just don't know what to do with the rest of my life. I am determined to be a mother my children can be proud of. I am sick of renting a duplex .... I am sick of living paycheck to paycheck...
I can't help but think that all of this stress and unhappiness is making me sick. I am in pain all the time. My stomach, my head, my joints and muscles. Ihave numbness at times and there are nights I lay awake in bed with throbbing pain in my leg. I have had to wait and wait and fight to get medicaid and it will finally be active as of 10/01 so I can finally see a doctor. I am scared that the things that are wrong with me are serious, which would just make things worse.
How come I cannot be happy... how can someone so smart have so little direction..????
Angeleyes I have just read your story and honestly girl I'm in tears I have been exactly there a year ago almost to the day where everything just fell apart and I was just sick asnd tired of being down and out about everything and no matter how optimistic I tried to be it just wouldnt work because I was trying to fake my emotions and happiness when honestly it just wasnt there I dont know all of your life story but my life has always been one devastation after another and there was times to this day I wonder how I was so resilient at such difficult times in my life. I have looked high and low for an answer and I finally realised after all this time that its the little things in life that we dont recognize enough in our lives that get us from one bad moment to the next and god would never put anything on your shoulders that you couldnt handle and you need to remember that always you are strong and very indepedent but that also comes with trials and trimulations and understanding of the bad and the good. It sometimes has to get worse before it can get better the good thing is you have realised this and are wanting to change and thats the biggest step I promise you things will be better than you could have ever imagined just give it time. I will pray for you and your family but please believe it will get better !!!
how are you spiritually? you mentioned you are smart, which is about brain. you mentioned physical sickness, emotional outburst, work ethic, colleges, money problem and how you want to be a good mother. but how is your spritual life? every living being has a brain and a heart for a reason. since we all have brains then we all are intelligent. since we all have hearts then we all are able to turn inward and listen to it. you know what your brain says, do you know what your heart says? in order to live fully, you need both functioning well. the economy as it is, is hard for everyone. this is when you need to find the truth of your situation. turn inward. quiet the mind chatter. talk to yourself, like talking to a trustworthy reliable friend. ask 'why am I not happy'. notice the very first answer that comes up.
Cancermen -- love that name!
Thanks I love cancers even though I'm beginning to think that even though they say we are made for each other I dont think thats the case at least not yet still hoping