Question about my parents, who quarrel a lot.

  • Could you give me please advice how to deal with this situation.
    My parents have always quarrelled. My father can be rude sometimes, angry, he can blow up easily, and takes it on always on my mother (if is painful to her, she always cries, her health suffer). But until recently he had a job for many years (so during much part of the day he was on the job), but half a year ago he was forced to retire. Though he was tired i think of working, i think this has worsened his mood. I worry for them, and this situation i think exacerbates my stress and my problems (chest pain and other things) as i live with them and i see it. I don't know what to do with this, how to help them? Thank you for any advice.

  • Sorry to hear you are feeling trapped. I feel a very overwhelming heavy energy of helplessness. It is very real yet it is also self created. You are in the middle of all you know. From a different perspective looking in from a place of detachment the answer is. "Why are you agreeing to live there?" What happened to your boundaries? You are the sum of your own real self AND the environment you grew up in. Your parents have a choice to agree to their marriage arrangement and if your mother has not chosen to demand more or leave than there is nothing you can change. You can take steps to liberate yourself and perhaps inspire her to treat herself better but controlling your father is never going to happen. He is not just a mean man. I feel he has a mental illness that is not so bad that he can not function yet it is real enough to destroy intimacy and safety in relationships. He suffers from mood swings that include anxiety....BIG anxiety. He self medicates those intense emotions by blowing up.......eating high carb sedating food that eats at his health and he has other bad habits. They BOTH feed off of each other in a self punishing way. Spirit says this is not about them but you. How are YOU going to heal and break the cycle. You carry a LOT of anger. But it feels too ugly for you to accept. Anger swallowed is turned inward and eats at your health. Sound familiar?. Learn from your mother that she is in victim mode when her health is affected by the stress. This is no quick fix but a long process of awakening for you. Your mother obviously loves the real man he is but has no real coping skills to deal with the reality of his dark side. Staying with him is her decision but she needs coping skills. She needs outside healthy places to escape. Abusive dynamics are very isolating and she's emotionally and spiritually starving. She has given him control of her happiness. Bad place to be. You need to find your way OUT of their home. God does not expect you to sacrifice yourself for whatever excuses you feel why you MUST be there. You are imitating the helplessness learned from your mother. You can not learn coping skills from her. You need to move towards empowered woman. As for your health. You need a safe outlet for your anger. It is real and debilitating. It leaves you with no energy to fend for yourself. Change takes energy. Also, you tend to internalize too much. Live in your head and over think ideas to the point of just staying stuck. You need healthy body movement. Since you have lost touch with your own body it will take awhile to be able to judge healthy limits. Again, your childhood has affected you in way that caused you to go numb...go quiet. NOT feel. The other side of that is PAIN. What has been real can not be ignored it's just shutdown so as you aged it needs a release and PAIN is your body releasing the hurts you ignored. Also, no one can live happily not feeling so you will unconsciously attract pain. Your mother did that with her own childhood. It would be too long a response for me to cover all this. You really need to seek help. Even if it's just books. Sit in a bookstore and read for free. See a counselor. Join groups of healthy people. First, find a release for your anger. You may not FEEL angry but it's there and it must be let out. DANCING with other strong self loving woman is a great idea and do not overthink it. Do what you can do. Walking everyday. Exercise. And again do not overdo or let a little pain stop you. Pain is going to be a big part of your healing. Sit in nature. Buy a coloring book. There's a very traumatized shut down inner child dying for fun. Write down a list of healthy feel good things you can do besides feeling trapped in a non nurturing situation. The only chance of freeing your mother is if you do it first. Until you get out of their house you CAN have a plan. When they fight put on headphones and clean house or just go for a walk. Hang up chimes or ring a bell after all arguments as it clears negative energy. Plant a garden. Hard work will heal you. Do not sit and plan your life in such a way that it's ALL too much! You choose one good step at a time and move. If you overthink too much it paralyzes you. And PRAY. Every morning ask Saint Michael to give you the confidence to make it through the day moving towards your best self. You can do this. BLESSINGS!

  • Thank you very much Blmoon. Yes, helplessness is what i feel. But i love them both, and want them both to be happy ( Despite this quarrels he has always been kind to me and in general i think my father is a decent man, but this outbreaks (( I think he is unhappy too. He has diabetes type 2 (but continue to eat sugar food) , and also has also been taking beta-blockers. and other bad habits i understand (drinking?).
    Now i feel like i am weak even for showing my anger( but i agree i have anger inside, anger towards me myself, that i can't change my life(my job for example). I have got a lot of coloring books), but when i realize that i do not color like artists , i get another problem to worry about, i even got books to learn how to draw and haven't read them yet.
    I feel also guilt that i can't secure them a better life. And i think now they worry a lot for me too (low-paying unhappy job, no husband, no children, ho good socialization), for my health. and this doesn't improve their mood or health.
    Blmoon and may i ask, is there a way to help him cope with anxiety and mental problem? or No?

  • @marishkaa
    sure. You can do it all for him. REALLY 😏 Sorry but you need to be aware when you let yourself get attached to other's needs. Call yourself out. You asked for healthy change.The man knows what he needs to do. Yes he needs to address his anxieties but that is not going to happen until he takes care of his self destructive fast fixes. He knows all the truths you know. HELP YOURSELF. Get strong and healthy mind body and spirit and then you will have something to give. Tough love yourself! BLESSINGS!

  • Blmoon, thank you very much!

  • Hello @Blmoon, i was thinking about your answer, and i should have asked it then, but may i ask you please - did you mean in your answer "mental illness" = anxiety, mood swings or something more serious like psychotic disorders (like schizophrenia) ?

  • @marishkaa
    I think if I had picked up anything extreme Spirit would have suggested he needed medication and a good doctor. Although I sense he would benefit from counseling last post I didn't think he would be receptive to help. Also, rereading that answer it seems to me Spirit was encouraging you to distance yourself from their drama and to put more energy supporting your own well being. I think your father is an addict with other underlining issues. Your mom as well is an addict of a different nature...she is addicted to him. They both have found an unhealthy way to distract themselves from their REAL pain. I think it is possible as your father ages and neglects his health he may develop erratic and bizarre behavior that comes from poor health habits. Eating and drinking in ways that effect his mood. I sense he is never happy. It is self imposed. I think you would have a hard time fighting depression around that energy. I hope you have found some healthy distractions for yourself. BLESSINGS!

  • @marishkaa why can you not change your job?

  • @blmoon Thank you @Blmoon , yes, it is generally difficult to help him, to persuade him to get help or that there is a problem. And i also suspected that he is not happy, as he doesn't do (or have )what he wants or something like that.

  • @jayann as I don't know, what new job to search for, not sure that this job would suit me more.

  • @marishkaa
    It is for your benefit to understand your father's inability to feel safe with happiness, as he affects your relationships. Stay in awareness of your role in your family dynamics as we all tend to find healing through making our way through relationships. Most people do not connect the dots at first and blindly find themselves attracted to what they know. In jobs, friends, mates. If you can make sense of your family dynamic it will shorten your learning curve. Otherwise you will be attracted to situations that mimic your family dynamic. I sense you have healing energy and are an empath. This is a gift but must come with balance and discipline to use that gift without falling into a habit of being too selfless. OR getting stuck in situations of feeling trapped or helpless. People may draw energy from you so it will serve you to check in with yourself everyday and really take note of your energy level and emotions. People who have healing energy will feel drawn to give and fix. God does not expect any ONE person to give of themselves to the point of draining themselves. There are many other empaths out there to step in. I wish in my younger years I understood that. Mostly, I felt the need to help over my own needs. How do empaths learn how to make self care? By being exposed to needy others over and over until we get it. A person who is just not built for happiness is our toughest test as we can never give enough. But will be so motivated to try. Really examine your father's childhood and his personalty from a logical place so you can balance your big heart. Empaths by nature have more heart than logic. They respond to feelings first. If you can understand why your father has problems with happiness and feeling gratitude or fulfillment you will ease your burden. Also, once you recognize people for who they are regards to relating to your family dynamics you will avoid job situations that start out feeling good but in the end you find yourself giving too much to the point you may feel responsible for failures that are not yours. BOUNDARIES are always an issue for empath. Your parents situation crosses a healthy boundary. Keep in touch. BLESSINGS!

  • Thank you very much Blmoon for helping me better understand all this!

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