BLMOON



  • @blmoon Thank you for getting back to me, I shall read your post again tomorrow, it us late now. I really hope your shoulder lain goes away soon, I do know how crippling it can be. I find that warm line seed cushions really help. I make them myself and warm them up in the microwave oven. You might have tried that already.... I'll tell you more about your post tomorrow.
    HUGS



  • you mentioned ATTRACTING ABUNDANCE .... check out this site. I use it. Good luck.

    http://www.facebook.com/dorothy.morrison.39



  • @radiantsun
    oh, thanks for the Mucha! And yes where IS the instrument? How attentively she listens her breast beckons to nurture , inspire. Beautiful. You have always had that to offer!



  • @blmoon
    Hi Blmoon, Thank you for your thoughts on abundance. I must remember to be grateful more often. I usually am but maybe not enough. I don’t feel guilty about my sister, I feel responsible, although she is very good at trying to make one feel guilty… but I am afraid that at some point it will be my problem. She is my sister and she is all alone, and I can’t abandon her. It is empathy again. I know how I would feel and I feel sorry for her. Although, I also know that I would be unhappy and cry my eyes out, but I would not be angry with those who try to help me. I have not forgotten the hell we went through for a month! She was bad enough before, but something happened to her between Christmas and when she came in March. At Christmas the greatest problem seemed to be her memory loss but she was not angry all the time. She had had that car accident and then she went to Canada thinking that would solve all her problems and then she couldn’t stay there because she had nowhere to stay. Her bosom friend would not keep her more than three weeks, which then was a month and she made me believe that she was in such a bad health condition that she could not be alone that her doctor was sure she had dementia and the authorities would take her away from her because she is not family and put her in some institution, and so on. She just wanted to get rid of her because as I told you, all the doctors could find wrong with her was a severe depression which needs treatment. Oh, I do believe I deserve abundance just for being me, the hard part is to believe that it will come… Maybe not to deserve it, but if I were gifted with something grand, I would want to make others happy if I could. But it is true that I shouldn’t think that way, others need to have their own source of happiness. The only thing I remember from my childhood is that I was very much loved by many people and when I was invited somewhere and I was given some special goodies, I always felt sad that I could not share them with my brother and sisters. I don’t know why, but this feeling used to spoil the joy and fun I was having. I don’t know where it came from, other than that we were taught not to be selfish and share everything amongst ourselves. My brother was wonderful and he and I always shared everything with each other. It was not the same with my two sisters. The eldest was very selfish and she definitely had a sense of ENTITLEMENT, she thought she was entitled to everything! The second one, the one we have been talking about, was envious already then. I don’t remember anything in particular that may have happened when I was 6 or 8. When I was 10, my mother died after a long illness and terrible pain. There was not much religion in my childhood, my parents hardly ever went to church other than christenings, weddings, funerals, etc. and we went to mass if we wanted to. My father claimed he was an atheist and my mother believed in private. I was always too sensitive. A harsh word or a look would be enough to make me cry. People arguing has always given me much anxiety. That is something my ex has abused to the extreme, he knew I couldn’t stand it so he would get angry and shout around, always looking for a fight. Yes, I have always been over sensitive and as I said, I am afraid I may have passed that on to my son. He keeps it all inside, but I know. One thing that has lingered from the loss of my mother, is the feeling of abandonment. We discussed that in connection with the Bard, his disappearing brought that back. I had not made the connection before, when he left the first time for example. When my mother died, I was terribly unhappy, lost. When my brother left, I retreated into myself, I never spoke of my feelings with anyone. I was given chores and expected to behave like an adult. I was robbed of my childhood by my eldest sister who didn’t know any better. I read a lot and wrote a lot. I kept a diary and wrote fantasy stories. One day, my eldest sister found my notebooks and read them, and she got very angry and threw them in the fire. I was about 12 then. That was the end of my career as a writer. 🙂 Other than that, I was angry at God for taking her from me, for not listening to my prayers, I was even angry at the Virgin Mary because I had prayed to her, but never at my mother. I knew she didn’t want to leave me, I knew she didn’t want to leave any of us, but especially me. I didn’t want to see her when she was dead and I am glad I didn’t because until my son was born, I dreamed of her every night, but I never saw her dead. When my son was born, it stopped. I don’t know why. I had plenty of things to feel guilty about, my sister was always scolding me for one thing or another, I couldn’t do anything right. Yes, I did feel guilty about little things that may have displeased her when she was alive, but there was little of that. My sister married a man I despised and he came to live in our house. After my father left to live in the city for his business, I was stayed with them and I my sister took me for the nanny. After her second baby was born, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to get away from there. My second sister had also left home and was living in London and after talking to her and to my father, it was decided that I would go to school in London. She came to pick me up and I went to London. That was not great either because my second sister was jealous of all my friends and when I had free time from school, I had to be with her all the time and visit her friends with her. She was much older and we had nothing in common and I had to do as I was told! Once I bought a beautiful coat, on the expensive side, but not outrageous, it was French it looked lovely on me. It was my own money, but she took me and the coat back to the shop and made me return it. Then she made buy one which was supposed to keep me warm but I hated it. There was drama every time I bought books or when if I went to the cinema without her. Then for some reason she decided to go to Paris and suddenly, she couldn’t care less what happened to me. I was glorious! I made friends, I studied and had fun, bought books and went to the cinema, the theatre, concerts, I was free! Thank God she left. We never lived in the same place again apart from holidays. But this is something she kept bringing up when she was here, that she had got me away from my other sister and owe her! To that I said that the fact that she had done a kind thing for me when I was a child, it did not give her the right to act the way she did. You know, the former hospital should not be a problem, the XVII century buildings are all used as luxury offices now and all around they have built luxury apartments and lots of gardens. It is actually a cheerful place. But I have never felt good in this apartment although it is bright and cheerful, when all the shutters open. I didn’t like it from the beginning, but I was pushed by my ex to take it. He wanted to go back to Germany – to his mistress it turned out – and we would move as soon as I found another place. Only, things did not turn out that way. And you know the rest... I hope your shoulder is much better. I know how terribly painful that can be.
    HUGS



  • @radiantsun
    We share some similar experiences despite the details. This is we both are em paths and artistic servants of the muse. I wish I could have understood the root of disapproval I often "felt" from not just strangers but loved ones. That sense of being bad. It comes from our energy presence. It makes some people uncomfortable just as much as it makes some cling to us. And some, mostly men then resent that need, that power we have over them if we chose and the unfair part is we have a deep sense of responsibility and loyalty. Empaths at their best have a code of ethics about love and get easily at a younger age tangled up in that weakness when an insecure lover or friend decides our power is bad. A danger! I bet you looked hotdamn good in that coat. You had a presence enough in an old sack but yes adorn yourself as God truly wishes for you and someone will angrily set you straight. I have several poems about those subjects. I am about to have dinner but enjoyed your post and will get back to you. One comment! You not being a writer because your life's work disappeared? Well I carried my big notebook of poems and drawings everywhere I went including school. First year of high school I had the locker mate from hell! She was OCD about neatness and I was always late and dumping my books in the locker and grabbing the next and running as the bell rang. And at age 12-13 no I was not neat! She whined a lot. I just ignored her until the day I ran to my locker and there she was smiling and door open and my stuff gone. My beloved notebook of years of work. Gone. She told me she threw it out. I clocked her one straight in the face. We got called to homeroom and expecting suspension but when the teacher found out why I hit her he was shocked and told her she was lucky that's all she got. He felt so sorry for me. I often wonder what those poems and drawings looked like! So wish I had them back. But it did not end my writing. I was broken enough to stop for many years.!



  • @blmoon
    The locker episode sounds familiar, I think you must have mentioned it before, but not about you hitting her. Good for you. Yes, I have sometimes wondered if what I had written was all a lot of rubbish, but I wish I had been able to read it when I was older. Anyway, unless I had taken it with me, and I could only take a suitcase, I would not have found it when I came back, like all my books and toys which my sister's children had left nothing of. Sigh!



  • @radiantsun
    I'm mostly curious to truly know who I was and how I thought. Unfortunately, as adults all memories are filtered through our adult view or even our fears. Mostly, when I find very old stuff I forgot I wrote it amazes me and is better than I expected. But as I dig deeper I do start editing. I'm curious as a child what really weighed on my mind. I don't think it was normal childish concerns like boys or playmate squabbles or wishes for things. I fit in well with others but I was not like others in that at a very young age I was immersed in philosophy, Art, and literature I came from a working class neighborhood. Steel mills dominated. It was a tough neighborhood.. I carried around Whitman's Leave's of Grass and it gave me comfort. I did not always understand it but I felt it had a meaning my higher conciseness understood. I was devastated when my poetry and art was gone. I did stop writing from high school until my thirties when I decided to go to college. I already had four boys and came close to quiting that class but I won first place in a poetry contest and my life just took off very guided after that. It was meant to be, a good timing to meet all those who would change my life. When I write poems not about my childhood it is very hard to get into my head as I'm sure I was very detached as much as sensitive. Also, writing about my past requires being not so wise and just letting the truth come out about the reality of where I was at that time. Our pasts are not always pretty or something we are proud of but we do the best we can for what we know. I probably didn't share I punched her in the face. Considering where I grew up that behavior was not shocking. I did not resort to violence much because I had a way of using my intelligence , humor or my energy to redirect others. I also, could run like lightening if I needed. There is a jungle mentality in a big city where the working class lives. The other animals sniff out weakness. Never show fear. Sometimes that's enough to keep you from getting tortured and teased. I was a very sensitive person, very close to nature and had a big soft heart yet I had no problem drawing blood if I had to. Once an attacker knew I had them in a place of trapped I let them go, my hand around their throat and fist raised was enough. I never got pleasure from beating anyone. Except the girl who tossed my poetry, yes I reacted without any thought and if we weren't in school I probably would have sent her home crying and with at least a bloody nose. I wonder if Karma ever visited her on that life changing event?. A very different life then. But I think I will always be that wolf. I did ask about your son but only get the same broad prediction for him which really calls for your patience! I know you so want him to be settled in and a straight arrow of progress. Spirit has been preparing you for something less predictable for a long time. It's a winding road for him. Not out of lack of direction but just because he does not know yet where he will thrive best. He has ideas but not the experience yet. It will come down to his temperament and his choice will fit his temperament. Business is not for those who lose sleep over anything. Successful business men who are in the decision end of a business must have a strong bounce back constitution. They can't dwell on failure or even think in those terms. They say to themselves, that didn't work, let's move on. The kind of leadership you hope for him is a work in progress and as the saying goes, calm seas do not make skilled sailors! Give him room to learn and bounce back when needed. He has options, he is very skilled as an ADVISORY. But he has to try out a few different hats before finding his nitch. He can be astutely analytical and can have great clarity for others but his weakness is his discomfort with responsibility over others. Your sister brought that to his learning table. Had it been just you and your sister and he was living at a distance his advice would have been good advice but it's different to be too close to the problem for him. He may have a great detached mind most times but your son is very empathetic as well and physical distance works for him best when dealing with those who hurt him. Even if treated unfairly, he is most likely to let sleeping dogs lie and move on. You both share similar ideas and fears about anger. It is your last choice. Your challenge is to let your son change course or navigate without feeling failure at his back. Mentors are helping him learn skills. But honestly, he has options to choose from before he finds his nitch. Business dealings also present lessons in ethics. Your son is ethical but in business that can get blurred as survival can effect that. Luckily your son does not have a family to support so he can afford to walk away. I see him mostly on a forward path that will meander a bit as he makes his way. You have had personal relationships with business men so you know how fast their world's can change direction. There's never a sure thing. Short of selling toilet paper or being in the medical field. Right now he's testing his emotional stamina for his choice. There is still a possibility he does go back to education. Make it easy for him to try what he needs to try and don't get worried he is lost at any time. .Your son will find his way and do well. Will it be easy? No. He is not the kind of man who is afraid of the hard stuff. He just needs some experience under his belt. Mistakes have to be part of his path. I think a smooth running business will still leave him wanting something more or new and that will always be your confusion with him. As for your childhood dates brought up. When you were 6 you were subjected to an inappropriate presence. It was a young man who was close as family but may have been not family but came and went trusted near you. He had very sexual feelings around you and you felt it but could not explain it. His touches and attention in front of others seemed innocence but you knew something was very not right and you never discussed that. When I say he was young I'm thinking under 25 . This was not a one time event. This went on at least 6 months to 8 months and then he was gone or you were moved but it ended. You had a sense of fear during that period. At around 8 you witnessed something you knew was wrong. I am seeing your father involved. He did or said something that you did not like yet his authority wasn't questioned. You did not understand it. I see it as a secret and something you would not have talked to anyone about. I think after you were 10 your mother's health came into play and that turned your world upside down. I am praying you find another home and it will happen. Actually. that is your son's vision as well. Just as much as you want to see him stable and set in life he wants to provide a home for you. BLESSINGS!



  • @blmoon
    Our childhood universes were opposite. I lived in the country in a great house which had been built by ancestors on my father's maternal side. He did not inherit it, my parents bought it from a cousin who was a doctor and didn't live there. My father's family was a well-reputed, well to do respected family. My father was a born businessman - maybe that's where my son gets it from - he had several ventures more or less successful. He even owned a tin mine at some point. By the time I was born, he owned a thriving business and he was very much loved and respected by his employees. I was a little princess to all of them. When I was 6, there were no young men around me. I was very sheltered and when I was not at school, I spent all my time around my mother. There was a boy friend of my bother's, older than him, but only about 12 or 13. He came to the house a lot but only briefly and he and my brother went out to do harmless naughty things, mostly to annoy certain neighbours. He was never very close to me and as I said, I was younger than the others and did not take part in their games, and I was permanently with my mother or playing with children my age who were invited to the house every now and then. He left at some point, his family moved away and I remember being sad about his going away. He came to visit once when he was older and I was probably 12 or so, he only stayed a few minutes. I saw him again years later in London I saw him episodically while my sister was there, then again when I had finished college and he was married. I got on very well with his wife. Strangely enough, he happened to move to where my sister had her house and owned a restaurant there. He once told me that when we were children he was jealous of me because people always gave me money and he thought of all the things he would do with all that money. He had a tragic death a few years ago, he went out to sea on his boat and disappeared in a storm. Pieces of the boat were found but never his body. We had a strong bond, he was like family. I can't imagine it could be him, and as I said, I had a very sheltered life. What did I witness when I was 8 that involved my father? My father was very much absent in my childhood and I was happy when he was away, not sure why but I think it is because he was very strict and when he was there, my mother was less available. I just remember that I felt free when he was away on business. I think I was a bit afraid of him, although he never hurt me and was usually kind to me and interested in what I had to say - I was a real chatterbox. The only thing I can think of is his once hitting a dog which had done some mischief, and that I knew was wrong and it hurt me very deeply. I don't think it was supposed to be a secret, but maybe I made it one because I could not bare to think that my father had done that. I loved that dog. My mother was already very ill when I was 9 and she died when I was 10. And yes, that did turn my world upside down, she was all my world, and my brother's too. From then onward, everything went from bad to worse. And to preserve myself, I had to leave my beloved home which was never to be my home again. My eldest sister never let go of that beautiful house which is now totally neglected. She now lives there on her own, her husband is dead and her six children all got married and moved out a long time ago. I wonder what she does in that huge house. I have seen pictures of the extensive grounds which look abandoned. And I remember how perfectly well kept they were when my mother was alive... Your description of my son's situation sounds accurate. I think he is mostly learning how to deal with people in business, I think. One of his associates is an older man and he has quite a bit of experience, both in the field and dealing with people. However, without my son and his knowledge, he would never have been able to found this company. My son brings in his qualifications and the others more practical experience. My son is an intellectual and his reason to own a business is basically to make money. He says that working in a company however high your salary may be, you never get rich, the only way to get rich is to have your own company, but it takes longer to have a good income. He has no doubt that the business will be successful. I talked to my friend who lends us the coast house a few days ago and he asked about him. He told me again not to worry, that even if it doesn't work out in the end, it will be a really great experience for him and a huge plus on his resume. He says he would not hesitate to employ someone like him. About his experience with my sister, the result is that he does not feel responsible for her, and he added that he doesn't feel us responsible for her. That if someone who is vulnerable needs help, you help them and you expect them to acknowledge that and show some gratitude, fine. But she showed nothing but suspicion and gave us only abuse, never once said thank you. I told him how I worry about her and he says I mustn't because if we went there to help her, it would be expensive for us and she still wouldn't appreciate it, or worse still, would be obnoxious with us. It is true that it is not just the illness because she is not like that with everyone. My kind friend told me we can have the house from the 7th of July to the end of August. I would really love to spend an extended holiday there, but would you believe that I feel guilty about having a much needed and deserved holiday while she still doesn't have a home? You are absolutely right. Although he does not say it, I know that my son's vision is to provide a home for me. That is the main reason why he wants to make money. It was Mother's Day yesterday and it was lovely. Shearing some beautiful roses by Renoir. 🙂
    HUGS
    0_1558964058287_Renoir Roses in a Vase.jpg



  • @Blmoon
    Oh dear! I have have posted that one recently. I really like that one.
    Here is another one.

    0_1558965525633_Renoir-roses5.jpg



  • @radiantsun
    That one young friend who I picked up is the one you described. I didn't see you two alone or him abusing you but his thoughts about you were not normal. He was fixated on you in an odd way. I really think at 6 you would have not had any reference for it but being empathetic you would have been affected. It was real enough that you missed him once he left because there was something GONE. He did think of you a lot and considering the age difference it was not normal.. If you both had been the same age a silly attraction or crush would be nothing but his fascination with you was not normal. I felt he passed which explains his apology. He says he was wrong. You were very lucky to be well guarded. Your impressions of him would have been innocent. For him he was at the age were boys have urges and yes explore and get into mischief. Perhaps it was his idea to bring it up. Any past jealousy would have dissolved once he saw your life from the other side. When he realized how his jealousy was so very misplaced and your life was not so rosy. Speaking of roses, I love these roses. There is something about them that feels like the beauty that comes with maturity and age. Even the background has a golden years hue. An autumn feel to it yet red roses rarely are paired with that hue. Red roses usually have a youthful summer tone. I like these very much and marvel how he mastered the piece. Again your old friend sends a hug as he felt for many years his feelings towards you at that age confused him as well. I have read stories of couples meeting where the female was a child and the male was older and there was an odd spark for him that would have been wrong then but later meeting again many years later and having a relationship. You should acknowledge his message and say it was ok. BLESSINGS!



  • @Blmoon
    I always thought of that old friend as family, almost as a brother. The Bard was jealous of him, but then, the Bard was jealous of everyone! The last time I saw him, it was about six months before he disappeared. He had invited my sister, my son and I to his house for lunch. He cooked and talked to me in a very strange way at a time we were alone. He said he knew he could not expect anything from his wife and two sons and he didn't deserve it. He did not want to get old and be dependent and he had already got himself a gun for when the time came... He had not lived with his wife for many years, he had bought her the house of her dreams in the city where she was happy. He was an adventurer and she did not want to be away from her family and friends. They were officially married but they only met on holidays. He had many affairs and at that time he had some trashy Colombian living with him. My sister liked her but I didn't. It turned out that I was right and my sister changed her mind after his disappearance, but not before she had an argument with his wife and sons whom she had put up in her house because the Colombian was living in his house and they only found out about her when they came for the funeral. My sister drove me crazy on the phone about his wife and sons. After the argument, they moved out of her house and went to a hotel until it was all legally over. They went back home and never went back there, they got a lawyer to sell all his assets. Later, my sister found out the Colombian was involved in drugs ! The most surprising thing in all this, is that completely out of character, he had all his affairs in order and an insurance that left his wife very well off indeed. His sons were already grown men. I don't know what to make of this, but it is as if he had planned. Also, he knew there was going to be a storm before he went out to sea and he braved the interdiction, which was totally in character. I always thought that this was the death he wanted, he died as he had lived, and no remains for anyone to be bother with or feel they had to cry over. I spoke to his wife on the phone at the time and she claimed to be devastated, which I find hard to believe but no matter. She did not say anything about the fall out with my sister, she said she had been very kind offering them her guest house. It was my sister herself who told me about it. Another disappearing story in my life...
    HUGS



  • @radiantsun
    I agree about your friend, he liked to test boundaries and fate. If you had been older when you first met he would have been openly smitten with you although he kind of put you on a pedestal in his mind. You were very special to him and he felt safe with you. He says he felt you had a gift for seeing people "naked". He had a cynical side that contradicted his free spirit. In his words he says he was a tortured soul and you were a safe harbor for tortured souls and he says that was not such a bargain for you. I'm very glad he came through for you because he loved you very much and at times he wished it were more but he says he would have been just another disappointment. AND he agrees you were family to him although relationships were not easily defined for him. He was not very loving to himself and had a depressive side that was self loathing. The spark he had for you at your young ages did not help. He tended to judge himself harshly. He was not attracted to children in a deviant way but he was attracted to you and many great love stories through history have agreed that someone can meet their future mate while they were too young and meet much later and that first spark was something real although inappropriate. I love this part of being a medium when someone comes forward with love and he is so happy he got through. He also wants you to know that he left this world exactly as he knew he would and it was his time. He was just being who he was. He also says that you get a bum rap in the relationship department as you attract tortured souls and offer understanding but in the end you punished for it. You see and know too much and an insecure man must clip your wings. Consider this man a guide for you who has always been near. The Bard knew exactly the gem you were! He would rather clip your wings than risk you knowing how little he deserved your devotion! You know, I love these little stories about your life. You should write fiction! As you know, all fiction is based on truth. You have a perfect voice for the right details. BLESSINGS! PS...Your son is about to share some news he is excited about.



  • @Blmoon
    Strange this should come up now, I had not thought of him for quite some time now. He may always have been near, but not physically and when he was, I always had the feeling that he was jealous of whatever man was in my life at the time. It happened with an old boyfriend, then with the Bard and again with my ex. He was never a good judge of character and was always being had by people he thought were his friends. He was a good person, but a lousy businessman. 🙂 I wonder how he could be a guide to me... I have thought many times I should write, fiction, my memoirs... I have so much to tell, but I do not have the talent, I wouldn't know where to start. I learned today that the neighbour from the apartment above mine died in hospital and was buried today, she was 99 years old, like the previous one, the apartment next to mine. Nobody seems to make to 100 in this building :). I got an email today from the owner of the hotel where my sister is staying, they visited an apartment I sent her the ad for and she likes it and as usual, she is trying to do things in a rush and this lady is terrified of the responsibility. She asked her if she did not want to have friends to go and see it and she said no, family? Most certainly not! They have an appointment to see it again on Friday. I talked to my cousin yesterday and he told me he was going down there for the weekend, he has worked in real estate on a private way with his brother because their father left them a great number of properties and they have always been in that business. He knows exactly what questions she should be asking, what she should be looking for, what papers she should ask to see, etc, etc. He told me he had called her and given her some advice and said he would make himself available to visit places with her if she would make appointments for when he is there, and offered to accompany her to the notary when the time comes, etc etc. Now she finds an apartment she wants to buy and doesn't call him to ask if he is coming for the weekend and makes the appointment for Friday! Is she doing it on purpose or has she forgotten he offered? I am going to talk to him tomorrow and tell him all about this. Yesterday he said he would call her and try to see her on the weekend. I think she is using this lady from the hotel the way she always does with kind people, and if something goes wrong, it will be her fault. But she doesn't know how to handle this because she is afraid that if she finds out she tells me these things, she will not trust her anymore and she feels sorry for her and is afraid of what will happen to her if she doesn't trust anyone anymore. Crazy! Unbelievable for somebody who is so negative about everyone how she always finds people who want to help her because they feel sorry for her. And she doesn't see that at all! She knows so many people and more and more avoid her and don't answer the phone when she calls, and don't call back. She knows that because she told me as much, but she doesn't ask herself why. It is always somebody else's fault! If she doesn't arrange to visit the apartment with my cousin and at some other point needs him, he might not make the effort. My son is right. I wish I wouldn't care more than he does. We'll see what exciting news he has to share... it might be something he doesn't know about yet. The Bard's life is just a big lie, everything. He told me as much himself, he was afraid of me because he could lie to the whole world, but I knew. I think that is what it comes down to, he was terrified of how well I knew him, how transparent he was to me when he tried to be Mystery Man to the rest of the world. I thought I would post a Monet for a change. I have been thinking about buying a parasol for my holidays. I think I will.
    HUGS
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  • @radiantsun
    This shade of blue keeps showing up lately for me. Of course there's my pink! I'm loving my pink room! Your friend came forward now because of your sister and what you just went through and your fears for her. He says he was helping best he could and will continue to support you. He can not change certain realities and consequences for your sister but he wants you to know he will protect you from her. Trying to connect logic to your sister's behavior will only frustrate and tie your brain in a knot. She is all impulse and movement and her thinking will never make sense. Detach from solving her life. She will get by. She always does.And yes a parasol would be nice!



  • @Blmoon
    Your pink room sounds lovely. Maybe I'll have a pink room some day... Right now I am grateful to have my window back. The shutter was repaired on Tuesday. It had been like that for over a month and it was getting really depressing. Especially since this year we have not had much sun so far. You are right about my sister, I have to detach myself, there is little I can do. I think I have more or less arranged for my cousin to visit the apart with her either on the weekend or on Monday. I left my cousin's number for the lady who helps her to settle the details. I am out of it, I hope.
    HUGS



  • @radiantsun
    It took me two years to paint that pink! I worried the paint was bad or wondered if my choice was still valid. I love the shade, it feels like mother love. After I painted I received a card called mother love and it had beautiful lilacs in the same shade of pink. It is perfect for this healing stage of my life. Healing completely the mother "thing". Oh how ironic you got your window shade open and the urge to go parasol shopping at the same time! I got a gift in the mail from my special Scorpio friend! The highly evolved one who makes up for all the thorny ones I've known. I guess my birthday month is officially over. I think I told you I got so many blue themed gifts! Today I got a pendant with a navy blue stone that seems to have an eye when you move it. Not creepy but you know how a safire has a star? That kind of eye. I'm wondering if Tiger's eye comes in blue. I usually know my stones well. Leave it to a special Scorpio to dazzle me! And he wrote me a beautiful very meaningful poem in two parts on blue paper. You deserve to be dazzled! Enjoy the Sun! Hugs.



  • @blmoon
    How wonderful that you got all those beautiful gifts for your birthday, nothing more than you deserve. I checked and Tiger Eyes do come in blue and they are stunning. Your civilised Scorpio friend sounds very special indeed, at least at a certain distance, I wonder what he would be like on a more intimate footing... In any case, I am very happy for you. I have been trying to catch up with administrative work on the basis of what you said, that you take care of business on a daily basis, I am trying to get to that point. My problem is that I am afraid of it, terrified that there will be complications, something wrong... and there usually is and it doesn't get better by leaving it. I am really worried about my sister. I spoke to her yesterday and I can tell she is totally lost., confused and disoriented. I would like to help her but I don't know how. I spoke to the lady from her hotel this morning and she told me she had been to the Doctor's with her this week and the Dr changed her medication and told her to keep it for her and give it to her when she needs to take it but she didn't let her keep it. She asked me if I couldn't go there and I told her that I would if I knew I could do something but I don't see how since I am the last person she will listen to. This would be an expense I really can't afford, but I would make the sacrifice if I could solve the situation, but how can I find her a home? And even if I could, if she doesn't like it, there is nothing I can do. If she decided to buy a place, I would go there for a while if I could stay with her, and help her get the place organised and get into a routine with her treatment, go with her to see Doctors and all that. I know it would be very hard for me, but I would still do it to her settled. The problem is that she doesn't find anything at all. I may be wrong, but I think that her problem is the trauma she suffered with this crazy decision of selling her house without having another, and that if she could settle down, it would stabilise her to a point. I know how difficult it was for me after the divorce and losing my house, and at least, I had my apartment which although it is expensive, I have a home. For quite a while, I was also quite distraught, if you remember, and my recent memory was affected, I kept forgetting things because my head was too full and I couldn't concentrate. Nothing close to what is happening to her though, but also, we are very different. I cry my eyes out and blame myself for having done this an not that or not having done it differently, and she looks for someone to blame. In this case there is no one she can blame for her situation and she blames people for not helping her when she has helped them in the past and so on. What she does not understand is that people who have been helping her, take their distances. Yesterday again I felt so much anger in her. I wish there was something I could do... for my own peace of mind. My son tells me that literally anyone would have more influence on her than me, I know he is right, but I still feel a responsibility because she is my sister and she alone, and this is making me very unwell.
    HUGS



  • @radiantsun
    I was thinking of you! You are insightful and funny, I so laughed when you wondered out loud how the special Scorpio fairs in real relationships........NOT! No, he has lived alone always. He accepts his role to be of spiritual service but closeness with others is a real problem for him. If you do get a bit too close in his presence for his comfort that Scorpio sting will indeed show itself! He is psychic so I get the discomfort in public settings. I guess I'm on his favorite list because I do not test his boundaries and he delights in my own psychic gift and says he loves friends who truly know him. He hates attention on himself and no one really knows how generous he silently is. A lower versed Scorpio would be pompous about his generosity but his is secret. He has put students through college all his life. At a reading once a fellow poet thanked him and broke the silence despite knowing he likes to be anonymous. The poet said he could not believe this man actually paid for his college tuition and he sent him a long letter of gushing gratitude and the Scorpio sent a thank you note and said he appreciated the thought but he preferred he keep his gratitude at a farther distance! HAHAHA! In other words he did what he felt was right, choosing students who passed through that community college but he knew would benefit and do well moving on to a higher education but could not pay for that. I absolutely adore that man! He is fascinating, extremely intelligent and gifted and loyal as it gets. But yes, wo would be the heart who fell in love with him and wanted a partner! In fact early on I knew a woman who worked close to him and had a big crush but found him a complete frustrating mystery. Now 30 years later they are very close as friends so she got over it. I would be rich if I had a nickle for every time someone asked me if he was gay. Early on I thought that but honestly I do not think he goes either way! He is complicated and an enigma and that's just fine. He has always been there when I truly needed it.. OH and that feeling paralyzed by business thing you struggle with. I manage that one too. I no longer struggle like I did in my 30's or even forties but I do suspect there is something more to it. I too would spend more time being anxious over it then the trouble it took to actually do it! I never did solve the why exactly but just knew I had a problem that really was irrational. Like you I would as well start necessary correspondence then get anxious about opening a response! In fact there has been times when I had a FINAL word with someone and never opened their response. How I moved ahead on that one is that I approached business from another perspective that relates to abundance. The energy of respecting money and business. To attract money requires you put in the energy to show respect for business. I am half and half. Not so anal that I have computer spread sheets but I always keep a ledger with handwritten record of bills paid with date and authorization receipt. I pay my bills online. I also have a written list of all bills due and date. I am document orientated and if I must resolve problems I ask for a written e-mail documenting our conversation or I do chats online and print them out. I found what irritates me most and will ruin my days is making many phone calls and getting mixed information. I will get so agitated that it will literally consume my energy and take over my life. And I suspect THAT is my hidden addiction from my past dysfunction with business. That as awful as that kind of distraction is it is less personal then whatever truly scary thoughts I was hiding from. A bad habit. I do not think we change these impulses we just deal with them and manage them. I am very aware of that and have over the years turned it around to being able to juggle business very well. My weakness pops up when my finances are low to the point it's a dry spell and it's only then that I must surrender to less expectations. For instance, normally I like to use credit that offers no interest for a year or two then pay off and switch. But in a pinch no I can't get anxious when it ain't going to happen. The key word is ANXIETY. My shadow side creates anxiety situations to distract from other scary thoughts. This started in childhood and became a blind habit. I see you as well reaching for things to be anxious about . I hesitate to say that because it is non logical, as in why would anyone do that to themselves? It goes with guilt gathering as well. Just an all over DNA deep fear of being bad or different or letting someone down or letting something get missed. On that note, let your sister go. Of course if you offer she will end up in your lap. Her life will never make sense by your standards of safety. I love your son's advice! He has clarity. Do not put yourself in her shoes. It will lead you to the swamp.You need to stop that. Did your son ever give you some good news?



  • @blmoon
    No good news from my son yet. He is working a lot at the moment on the company website and a lot of other things. I look forward to hearing good news, whatever it may be about. My problem with taking care of business is I think a little different. I used to keep everything up to date in a very orderly way before I married my ex. I was a manager in an American company and used to have everything in good order. When we moved to Germany, he took care of everything because it was simply easier since he was German, knew how things worked and there was no language barrier, and it stayed like that. When I had to take care of things again myself, it was during the divorce and sale of the house, and every letter, every email, brought trouble; and every telephone call with him meant he would be shouting at me for whatever reason or no reason. I then started to be afraid of every letter, every email, every appointment… especially when there are finances involved. There is an additional problem, everything is done on the Internet now and I find that terribly stressful, for example to balance bank accounts. Lately, I have been wasting an awful lot of time checking health insurance refunds. There are so many things they refuse to pay, and then I have to send all sorts of explanations and documents to back them up. It is very time consuming. I hate checking my bank accounts online, I am always terrified there will be payments missing or charges I should not have and it will mean going back and forth until eventually it is sorted out. I need to take a new insurance for my apartment because the one I have is expensive and not good. I made an appointment with another company last week and that day I had a really bad migraine, so I had to cancel which is yet another thing on my to do list. Doctor’s appointments another thing I never get round to making. I have to do it with my GP because there is medication I need to take and I need the prescription, and even like that, I always wait until I am really running out, but specialists, tests, dentist, etc I leave it from one month to the next and then I really have to force myself. Appointments with my financial advisor at the bank… not because I am afraid of an overdraft, I know I don’t have one, but I think it is because all those things potentially mean decisions will have to be made. I am very indecisive, afraid of making mistakes. Even when I buy something, I hesitate a lot and it is hard to make my mind up. I have to try to put that abundance thing into practice, I try but I am not doing terribly well. My sister sounded so bad yesterday that I was really worried, especially after talking to the lady from the hotel this morning, and called her this afternoon. Well, that may not have cured me but it certainly showed me again that there is nothing I can do for her. She said she wanted to buy a plot I own to build a house on and I told her I would sell it to her of course, but was is she sure she wants to start building a house now. That she should find out what it would imply before buying the land. Building a house takes time, and would she live at the hotel in the meantime. She told me in an angry way that that was for her to see that she is there and I am not, but she can see that I don’t want to sell her the plot. I said that was not true and the call was cut off, I don’t know if she hung up or not. I did not call her back. It is the second time it happens. What I don’t want is to go there to complete the sale of the plot and then she changes her mind and I will have spent money for nothing. She had already mentioned that when she was here and I told her very much the same thing and her reaction had been the same too… You Scorpio friend sounds really interesting, there are similarities with the Bard. He can also be most generous and definitely enigmatic. They can be fascinating and sweep you off your feet, but the sting is deadly. Time for me to go to bed. Tomorrow is a Whit Monday and it is a holiday here, Tuesday I have to get back to business. And I shall remember the respect for business part to attract money. Had strawberries and cream for dessert and it made me think of this Renoir.
    HUGS
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  • @radiantsun
    I've never seen this painting! It is beautiful and very different . I love the way the background corner left completely balances the overload of strawberries on the right. It's ambiguous but works. the same with the upper background how it keeps the bright display of strawberries from taking over the center of the canvas. A lot of novice artists make that mistake, concentrating their subject motionless in the center of their canvas. Also, the bowl and it's porcelain smoothness is accentuated by the texture of the linen like wrinkle of the background and the rough suggestion of the tile below. Very clever! As a poet, I feel a bit of a message here . I feel a sense of waste or spoiling. As if this bounty of fruit is hardly noticed by the owner, without thought tossed in a too small bowl while the rest ready to spoil. Strawberries bruise easy and are hard to keep fresh. I wondered if this is one of his later pieces. YOU would know! I love strawberries! These days it's hard to find fresh sweet ones. When I visited my son last we went and picked them fresh! It was late in the season and they had been picked over but we got enough. I took them straight to the kitchen and washed them and put them in the fridge with some light sugar as some were not ripe enough. They were wonderful with vanilla ice cream or just whip cream. As for business, you do describe my most dreaded tasks as well. Insurance!!! Since retiring we are on Medicare which is part of our social security system and it is so complicated! I know that it keeps many elderly from getting care just because they can't navigate the system. Whenever you talk about your X I am so aware just how truly TRAUMATIZED you are by him. It is real.Trauma does change us and leaves scars we don't expect. The careful attention to our business I rationalize like this: imagine you had two friends who are both generous and you love them both. One gives special attention to her house and things but the other God love her has a house full of clutter and she is welcoming but seems to have no need to arrange her possessions. You notice she is not careful with nice things. When you are out shopping you see things you would like to buy each friend and if it were me I would probably skip buying a pretty thing for the friend who shows no interest in caring for pretty things. I think the universe sees us energy wise in the same way. It mimics our own focus. Also, when I have icky business to do I save it for a good day and if I get too much flack I pick another day. And after I get icky stuff done I always treat myself! Like a good little girl who earned a cookie, or maybe strawberries and creme! HUGS!