Reading about my brothers divorce, custody of kids, outcome

  • Hello, I’m hoping someone would be willing to try and answer some questions about my brother and certain outcomes. His ex wife is very bitter right now. She talks negatively about him to their kids, and tries to keep the kids away when it’s his time. We (siblings, kids and I) have several vacations planned for this summer, which is typical. We have a lot of a lot of fun together. This year she wants to put a stop to her kids going. It’s so sad, because I know they are looking forward to it. They are so sweet, will they be able to attend?
    I am worried about the kids, and their emotional well being right now. Are they ok? It’s getting down to the wire and I think she’s putting pressure on the kids to tell their dad they don’t want to spend as much time with him. I know this isn’t true, it’s so obvious how much they love being with him. But what kid wants to make their mom feel bad?
    I am pretty certain that my brother will get his fair share of the children, he’s a great dad and it will show. I just worry because she keeps amping up her anger and pushing harder against him getting custody. It’s bizarre and I am also worried about her, yikes. We all thought the anger would subside a little, but instead it’s increased. The divorce has been going on for nearly a year. Will she soon be able to see what she is doing to herself and the kids?

  • Has your brother informed his lawyer about all that his wife is doing to stop him getting the kids, because this can be documented and used at trial to show she is being very erratic. She sounds like she is being harmful to the children by poisoning their minds. Your brother needs to take legal steps to protect the children from her.

  • Well yeah he can go down that path, and sadly she may leave him no choice, but that is not ideal. I know he would much rather solve this without courts and lawyers having to intervene. Maybe thats not going to be possible though? He has hoped by being kind to her she would eventually calm down. I mean at some point if there's no one to fight'd think a person would quit fighting...well at least that was his assumption! I was hoping that maybe she would want to start cooperating on her own, since the judge denied her full temporary custody and ordered them back to mediation for the 9th time.

  • I see that your brother will choose legal hardball within the next three months. I do not see her settling down about this divorce. Your brother is non-confrontational by nature but he's no push over either but he really has to feel his back against the wall. He picks his battles. She at first fell in love with that trait as it let her feel safe and it balanced her fears and anxieties about life in general. Later that very trait she was drawn to ended up turning into her feeling he was too passive emotionally and part of her disrespected him in effort to poke a reaction out of him. Because she needed him to complete her it ended up resentment. Of course his attraction to her felt good for awhile because he felt needed and it fit with his role as the man. He has an idea of how things should be but it is what it is. Try not to panic. At the moment you fear she is in control but in his mind he is their father and he is secure in their attachment to him. She can not take that away. In fact if he does resist drama with her and rises above disrespecting her in front of them he is being very wise. Children may be confused at first but they are much more unconditional in their love and they only know how they feel. No one can poison how they feel about their father. As they get older they will resent HER and Judge HER if she talks bad about their father. This is a long term journey that may feel unfair as you take the high road. The pay off comes later. What makes children shut down is when loved ones fight over them so as the battle heats up it's best to just understand most of this is temporary and a power struggle with her. Her anger is not just with him but about her life in general. Her wound she brought to the marriage was already destined to feel anger. She has trust issues and abandonment issues that have not healed from childhood. She is repeating a dynamic she endured as a child but is clueless. That's because she reacts with emotion. Too much emotion. Ironic because she was a shutdown child and now if she doesn't wake up she will do the same thing to her children and not even realize it! Your brother is much better at thinking things out. As I said....this could have made a good partnership but she carries too much old anger. This means that nothing he does will be good enough. She will use this divorce and his failure as a avenue to release a very full pain box. Nothing he offers will satisfy her. It's going to get scary before it get's better but I do see that if you don't get afraid of losing them you will do yourself a favor and children are very PERCEPTIVE and if you are not afraid they will feel that energy. Your family will adjust to legal visitations and her constant need to control everything. THAT will never change but she will reap the consequences of that as they age. They will pull away. When you imagine a child always being attached to a mother you are judging by your own healthy bond with children. Your idea of motherhood. Not all children have that mother bond if the mother insists on trying to trap them or censer their love for others. It's a poison that has it's own consequence. It also means that as a loved one you must resist maligning her as well to them. When they do start having a voice you can stay neutral and say....yes, I'm sorry she makes you feel that way but she does love you even though it doesn't feel like it. It's the truth. She does love them but she's too wrapped up in her own pain to even consider the harm she does. Let the children observe and later make their own judgments as they become adults. I see August as the month things come to a head and everyone needs to keep their head on straight. Try not to get caught up in scary what ifs. With her it's best to let her THINK she's in control. Keep your ego from butting heads with her demands and threats. She tends to blow hard then wears herself out so expect her worst storms to blow over. That's what your brother is used to but in this case it's not going to blow over for good. It's going to be a court battle. It will work itself out. There is nothing she can throw at your brother that he can't resolve in court. And he will. I see long term positive results for him. But she is never going to relax and meld as one big family. Your brother has his own growth to deal with through this battle. His relationship with her had it's reasons and he is slowly getting that but also he has no idea how to change his own patterns. I see his ability to find happiness is much higher than hers. I also see a health issue with her. She imagines dire illnesses often and in her mind they are real. She goes to doctors and gets tests then it blows over. This will wear on her children as they get older. When she is feeling most out of control she will pull the illness card with them. It's sad to watch but you need to understand that we can't always fix everything we see is wrong and everyone has their spiritual journey. Even those children. They came into this world with their own journeys. Keep your energy positive and focus on the long term. Your brother is not going to lose his children and even though both sides will not be one of those amicable divorced familys, you will be a family on your side and the children will grow up knowing there are choices and their mother is not all there is to life. BLESSINGS!

  • @blmoon, oh my god. I can’t believe you saw all this. I’m stunned. Incredible. They have been married for nearly 20 years, so I know her very well. Obviously I know my brother too, but you picked up everything, everything.. about my brother too, and myself, my fears, and thoughts and what I assumed would fall into place. I’m divorced too, but my ex husband and I have a good relationship. Ive had a sinking feeling this could be long term with her...I wondered about the doctor and illness thing but didn’t give it more than a passing thought... I kept thinking, hoping she could finally realize this was all inside her, I really do want the best for her. I really do. and I’m so sad for her. I knew this was all coming to a head inside of her because of how she grew up. I really hoped she could overcome it though. I’m going to think about all of this. I’m just stunned at how each and every thing you said is so accurate, and I’m so grateful to your response. I think I just need to not expect much this summer as far as vacations go for the time my mind I hoped for a break, and some easy fun for all..mostly the kids. I have to ask, and I understand if it’s not cool of me to ask this type of question.... please tell me she will get married again.. to someone nice?

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