Need a reading on family and job situations



  • Hi all,

    I'm taking a risk in posting this up as I don't know if this will end up being drowned in spam lol!

    I have two issues that are bothering me a bit and I hope someone can shed some light on them for me, and I thank whoever that is in advance:

    1. Family

    My sister is very sick, and is dying from brain cancer. This has been going on for a few years now, but has come to a head recently. I've been to visit her in the last few weeks and it was distressing to see her unable to do anything for herself. She's bedridden and needs assistance with toiletting, showering, etc.

    In the past I was estranged from my family due to her behaviour, however, I ended up being the bad guy and was accused of causing the whole thing and causing her deterioration in health. Over the years I held out the olive branch to my parents and had been hung up on more than once. I visited them and my sister more than once in one year which is no mean feat considering both trips (to my parents and my sister) are ten hour round trips. I've recently been to see my parents again, and as I said above, my sister and brother in law.

    While I'm sad about my sister's impending passing, there's still a part of me that feels like I owe my family nothing. I feel like i don't want to put my life off in order to do anymore than I've already done. In truth, they were never around when I needed help or support.

    I also have experienced - yet again - my brother in law's sleazy behaviour on my most recent trip, in that he got up really close behind me and rubbed up against my back. I was not imagining this. He put the hard word on me years ago while my sister was sleeping down the hallway of my house. My family knows nothing about any of this.

    I honestly don't want to be around them anymore after all this, but know that a funeral will soon happen. I don't even want to attend it.

    I'm tired of feeling like a bad person because of how I feel. I have tried to forgive for my own sake, but can't seem to forget all that's happened, and that my side of the story has never been heard. In saying that, I did let my brother in law know that I was sick of being considered the bad guy all the time, etc.

    So I guess I'm wondering how best to handle this. Of course, friends say that "she's your sister, you'll regret it if you don't do this or go or ... " To be honest, I have felt drained and burdened by making this last trip.

    Has anyone got any similar experience to this? Or any insight at all into this situation? Again, thank you in advance 🙂

    2. Job

    I lucked out with a job I applied for a while ago, even after I was told that I was definitely a strong candidate due to my resume and experience.

    So, I'm wondering what's next for me in this area. I'm feeling it's time for a change of work stream, and that maybe this lack of success is a message that I need to do this, but don't really know what to look for as jobs are thin on the ground here.

    Can anyone see what is coming for me, and what I need to do to prepare? I can see me doing readings from here eventually, and have nearly finished doing up a room which I'll use for that purpose, but is there anything more structured that may be coming my way?

    Once again, thanks in advance, especially if wading through all this spam and trolling makes it harder!



  • Hi Moonie, don't worry as we will bump your thread if buried under spam and hope a reader can see it. I am so sorry you are going through this.

    I just lost a friend to Brain cancer so I know what it does to a person. So very sorry for her. I hope your sister's husband will not continue being a close family friend/member and just go away after your sister. My thoughts regarding your family is to just do what you you can live with and feel comfortable for your own sanity, feelings and emotions. It is not everyone's luck to have close siblings relationships. when she passes you cannot repair or do anything so make sure you won't have any regrets with her or the parents. Sad I know when it comes to this 😞

    I am thinking with new work that you can maybe start part time and see how it goes. If income is a concern I would still search and insist on finding or continuing in the line of work where you are most experienced and have had success with in the past. Is it at all possible or an option to make the old job into "your business" and just do it as your independent business.



  • I think this idea that we 'owe' our families anything is wrong. People get what they give out and it seems your family has given you nothing but a hard time, Moonie. It doesn't help them if you wear yourself out being around them. All you need to do is to have tried to get along with them, you have done that but they haven't responded - their problem now. Don't make it your problem that they are difficult folk. There really is nothing you can do for people who are inflexible in their attitudes.

    How about running a business from home, Moonie? Maybe a day care centre, either for children or pets if it is needed in your area. Baby/pet-sitting even? Look around the town to see what 'hole' in business you could fill. What about politics? Is there a need for a caring woman as a councillor or even mayor where you are? Good at sewing or crafts? Can you make and sell anything on eBay? Can you become an independent carer who goes to people's homes? What about a delivery person if you have a car? Many invalids or elderly or transport-less people could use someone to collect their medicines, groceries, or anything else they might need and can't get out to buy.



  • Wow, such wonderful ideas. Moonie, from your posts it seems like you are wonderful with fixing things around, inside a homes, gardens and such. A true handyman, maybe. You could really do that for a very good honest living. There is always room and much appreciation and a huge market for this kind of thing. I think you can even schedule things so to have regular income. I wish I was good at that sort of thing or knew someone who was.



  • Hi Moon,

    On the family situation, I empathize with where you're at. I'm very sorry for what you're going through. And I agree with the rest that you need to do what's right for you. It doesn't mean you love your sis any less if you're not physically present. She'll always be in your heart, thoughts and prayers, and that's plenty.

    I too am wondering how to handle it - when the time comes - as I sense that we're heading in that trajectory with my cat and also, one or both of my folks. I have a feeling that I will encounter the same judgments that you have received from friends/family. My instinct is that I do not want to participate in a funeral/sending off. It is partly due to my own sensitivity towards highly charged emotions like grief and mourning. It messes me up to be around that energy. And also because I feel like it's a farce and betrayal of self, to project 'solidarity' when I feel estranged from everyone, especially my folks. I do not want to be around. You may know from my previous posts that they have expected and taken a lot from me... and somehow I'm still the bad/difficult one. No matter what, I will grieve for the loss, but in my own way. Why can't it be enough to do it in 'secret', without being involved in the whole production? Physical presence alone does not equal to kinship, love, affection, loyalty, etc. There's nothing i can add to it - by being there - but it would certainly take away from me. And I'm not sure I can allow that.

    You are in my prayers. Hope we both make the right decisions for ourselves.



  • I want to thank znl, the Captain and Danceur for your wise comments and suggestions. I'll definitely take them on board, so again, thank you.

    My sister died this morning at 4.20. Sepsis had set in apparently and her system could no longer fight. At least she is out of pain, and as I said to my brother in law, she's got a full head of hair again wherever she is. Her hair was her pride and joy.

    znl, I'm sorry for your loss. Having worked with brain injury patients, I can see what a huge toll it takes on the brain for any sort of injury to it, let alone cancer.

    Danceur, your words mirror my thoughts exactly. Not only would the emotional cost of attending her funeral be great for me, it's also a financial thing, as much as I dislike having to admit that. I cry for the loss of a sister, I mourn the misery that's been inherent in my family all my life. I'm torn between going to support my parents, or simply honouring the good times I had with my sister in my own way and in my own time. My initial thoughts have been not to attend the funeral, but to wait and go later on and sit by myself with her at her resting place.

    A song just came on the radio by The Police and it brought back memories of when we both went to their concert and came out stoned from other people's imbibement of good old weed lol! Back in those days, the seats were plastic joined sets of seats and people could drink, smoke, do whatever they wanted. I remember seeing someone throwing up down the aisle from us. And the smoke, thick with dope that settled into our own heads. We were giggling all the way home on the train. It was a great concert too by the way!

    I remember my sister with fondness, even though for ten years or so, I swung between hating what she'd done (and got away with) yet still caring about her.

    Danceur, I want to make the right decision for me; not be swayed by what others think. I have been on a downer when I think about it, since my sister was diagnosed with brain cancer which was nearly three years ago. Like, I haven't felt a true laugh in my soul since then. It was the way I was contacted about it. My mother basically said she didn't want me to do anything. I was going to go and see my sister, but mum basically shot that idea down. So it was a good year or so before I finally went to see her and my parents. A rift that spanned ten years had to be laid to rest, which was done finally.

    But, how do we forget what happened to us? I can't, and I venture to guess you can't either. You're right: it feels like a farce and betrayal of self. I couldn't have put it better myself. And yes, I'm still the bad/difficult one, like you.

    We chose this path before we incarnated, but even so, sometimes I wonder why we chose such a difficult one. And one that has ended up with a fair measure of loneliness and disconnection.

    Are we the strong ones? I don't know, but ... I don't feel strong at the moment.



  • Captain, I think you're right that we have this misguided sense of "owing" our families, even when they haven't been supportive to us. I've been the bad guy for so many years now, I can't remember when I ever wasn't wearing that badge.

    Off that sad topic, I like your (and znl's) suggestions of what I can do to make some cash. I read somewhere else on here that you're suggesting a Facebook page to accommodate this forum which seems to be suffering too much spam and trolling. So ... why don't we do that? It can be a closed group so that further minimises trolling, or those of us, namely me lol, who have time on their hands can monitor and weed out inappropriate behaviour/comments and people.

    There's a world of possibility, and I think we should make something of this opportunity.

    If any of you wish to contact me outside of here - and I'm taking a risk considering there's no pm feature on here - please do so at: greendayoasis62atgmaildotcom.

    Once again, thank you all for your kind thoughts, wisdom and suggestions.

    Cheers!



  • Hi Moon,

    I'm very sorry for your loss and I hope that you're managing to find some solace in this difficult tiime.

    I'm also sorry it's taken a bit of time to respond. I've not been well - fought with my sis and my body, mind and being just kinda shut down. Guess I really am not kidding when I say I don't respond well to heightened negative emotions.

    I relate to what you're saying. I cannot begin to understand why we would 'choose' this path and suffer in this manner. And I cannot see much value in being 'the strong one'. It's so very painful and lonely - you're right on the mark on that. When I first begun to have some awareness a few years ago, it was a very positive phase. But now as it delves deeper into picking apart the root of old wounds and trying to sort them out - it's unbearable. The icing on the cake is being able to feel empathy for the motivations of others - even as they act in ways that hurt me. At a fundamental level, we are all acting in our best interests and in most cases, it is not malicious, it is no one's 'fault' and no one is the bad one. But I don't know if knowing this makes a difference, because the end result is that I still get hurt. They almost always choose to hurt and step on me, to advance their cause, instead of seeking a compromise with me - which is all I need. This is my own family. In the end, no matter how I plead my case, encourage dialogue, enact boundaries and eventually kick, scream and cry - I end up shouldering the world on my own, like Atlas. They just will not budge. People are only nice or seemingly agreeable in good times, and then they become jerks when it comes to their self-interests. What good is being aware - when it's a sad one-sided story that no one can relate to.

    I felt happy yet sad when you talked about your memories with your sis. Because it seems like that will happen to me too. We've had some strong bonding moments in the past. But in the last few years, she's been the one who's hurting me most. She considers herself the most spiritually enlightened and right now, she's the one that's refusing to help and trying to keep me in a disadvantaged position - to maintain status quo in her portion of the caregiving situation. She's even invalidating my belief in my journey and tried to sow doubt that I'm ready to move forward. Sigh, self interest is always the culprit for insidious behavior. No matter. I believe in myself because I can feel the energy of change. The minute I feel able to walk out of the prison - it will accelerate the healing process. But it's really a matter of can I survive up to then? On bad days, I have such ugly thoughts. I feel like I don't want to exist anymore, just so I can finally be free of them. I know though, that life is not going to let me go that easy - because I haven't even begun to serve the collective (not my family) as I'm meant to.

    I'm sorry. I hope I don't inadvertently bring you down. I'm just frustrated.

    There's some part of this metamorphosis process, in which I'm seeking to shed my identity and be remade. And it seems to necessitate a complete disassociation from my family and the concept of any time of belonging. It's starting to feel mutually exclusive that one can be on the path of serving their highest good and also having significant ties to others.

    I remember the first years I was here. It was all queries on love. I'm aware that I want companionship so much. But truly, I don't miss the nonsense that comes along with it. Knowing what i know now, I wonder what is the point of having close, intimate or familial relationships and attachments and even children, if we will invariably inflict our own B.S on others as part of our growth process? When we will almost always favour self-interest or fall into martyrdom and co-dependence, or try to control and hurt others, and divert or block them from their paths, instead of allowing them the opportunity to grow and make their own choices. Attachments seem entirely incongruent with the lessons of change, loss and impermanence that the Universe loves to teach.

    Sorry I'm rambling.



  • Danceur, this phase is one where I've had similar thoughts: that I don't want to exist anymore. I'm tired of being sad, brought down, forgotten and ignored. I'm wondering who my true friends are lately.

    The more I think about going to my sister's funeral, the more I feel it's a bad decision to go. Not to mention lack of funds for the trip. Again, we'd have to take out a small loan in order to pay for it, but I'm tired of doing that because it won't be the first time.

    Where do we draw the line about what we "owe" family? I know if I choose not to go, it'll be a very unpopular decision and give my family more fuel to fire with. I'd definitely be disinherited, not that that is of great importance to me regardless of our financial situation.

    Like you, I'm tired of dragging my feet around and feeling like a welcome mat. My own daughter favours her father over me so it appears, and I'm at a loss as to how to feel more a part of her life. It's things like her recent trip where she sent an itinerary to her father and her partner's mother, but I was lucky to get more than two updates on Facebook. I don't understand it, and that put me into a further emotional tailspin yesterday.

    I'm tired of feeling so torn between what is right for me, yet risking alienation (again) from my family.

    Attachments? Well ... I have a strong one with my partner. I hope the Universe doesn't decide to take that away from me too. If so, then I think I'd be tempted to refuse this path - even though I feel like I've strayed off it a fair bit - because I can't stand the pain anymore.

    I'm sorry for what you're going through too. How do we rise above this? I'm truly at a loss!



  • Hi Moon,

    Am I inferring correctly that there's a part of you that wants to be there physically - that it would bring you some peace and closure - but the idea of having to jump through hoops and incur cost to do it, and also be around family is making it an unpleasant endeavour? I actually like your earlier suggestion to visit her resting place at another time when emotions have settled down. I'd like to think that if you're wanting to honor the memory of someone you love, you can do that from anywhere on your own. Or you could also ask to offer some prayers or hold a service - where you're at, if you're attending any local worship places? I think they can do that for you. If we set aside the family aspect for a moment, what feels right and 'enough' to you? What might set your spirit at ease?

    For me, I can say that doing it from afar or at a later time is the most healthy option for me. There was a family friend who passed about 5 years ago. A very kindly old man who let me and my siblings work with him, on occasion, when we were younger, to earn some side income. I never went to his wake, because I couldn't relate to the idea of seeing him as lifeless. He was always lively and jovial, and had a corny sense of humour - and for me, it made sense to honor his memory by just saying a prayer and remembering him that way.

    I know this is all easier said than done. Especially when we care about not antagonizing others further (not everyone bothers, but I guess we do). I think my scenario is a little different in the sense that I am willing to risk being totally cut off - because it may be the only way to move forward eventually. But it's tricky because I can foresee getting kicked out of the house (which I partially own) before I'm ready. Most of my adult life, I've had to endure alienation from family repeatedly in order to follow my own alignment. The stakes just get higher. Having said that, I don't believe in owing and obligation. But if my family does - and they do - then I am affected by their expectations, and they would be affected by my decisions to be detached.

    In a ideal situation, everyone would understand and accept each other's need for and level of attachment, and expression of it - and not take it personally or project their insecurities onto others, when they don't mirror what we would do or what we want. But when everyone understands these things differently, and there is no compromise available, perhaps the only choice left is what feels right to us. And trying - somehow - to make peace within ourselves that someone somewhere won't be happy about it. I'd like to believe that it does make a difference if you don't intend to hurt others. And I don't think we can or should hold ourselves accountable for the disapproval.



  • There is a part of me that wants to be there, but I guess I am anxious about seeing my nephew again (we haven't spoken for about 5 years) and other members of my sister's inlaws. Hopefully none of the past will rear its head on such an occasion. In truth, I want to be there for my mother because I think she may need this, but isn't able to ask for it. And yet, the thought of the whole thing frightens me. I feel I'll very much need to hold on to my own emotions, or that should I let it go, so to speak, my sadness will be judged as guilt due to me being to blame for the rift in my family, apparently.

    So much water under the bridge with this situation, and my consternation is that I thought I'd laid those ghosts to rest, but this recent turn of events with my sister's health and ultimate passing have brought this all to the fore again. I hated seeing her three weeks ago the way she was - unable to do anything for herself and bedridden. I disliked seeing her two years ago - my sister, a "cancer girl". Her hair was always her pride and joy and she'd lost nearly all of it. I felt guilty walking in there with a full head of hair and being well fed (overweight lets be honest lol) to boot.

    My daughter, then, said I was being selfish about being scared of seeing her. I explained those few things I mentioned above, but don't know if my explanations were taken on board.

    And I can see a thread forming while I'm writing: I am afraid of the disapproval of others. I was brought up to be, and still haven't come to grips with it, as hard as I've tried to make out like I don't care what others think. I do, still.

    This hurts frankly. A lot. I sincerely hope it's just a case of me blowing things up out of proportion, but then again, I've always done that, silly me, just ask my parents.



  • I don't think you're selfish for wanting to remembering the image of her at her brightest. It's been tough and traumatic for you to see what the illness has taken - you may not feel it that way or feel guilty for entertaining the thought, but it has clearly hurt you. Especially in the context of estrangement from her and the rest of the family. I can understand your anxiety on what may happen, but yeah, building it up in your mind - not very helpful at this particular point. It might not be that bad.

    And I get it - about disapproval. That's a tough one.

    I imagine that if you've had a lifetime of feeling alienated and unfairly judged, there could possibly be a wound there that revolves around the fear of not being understood/being unseen.

    If you go, would it be possible to bring someone that really has your back? Someone who will not judge, and is strong enough to hold others off, if need be, or pull you back if you go off the reservation (I mean that in all kindness)?

    I really hope I haven't made you feel worse. I wish I could give you a big Hug and let you know it will be alright - no matter what you decide. Don't beat yourself up for your reasons or decisions, especially not with the anticipation of perceived judgments.

    Hang in there Moon. You're in my prayers 🙂



  • A little whimsical, but I figure you might need abit of it 🙂



  • Thank you for Snoopy and your kind thoughts. How did you know I TOTALLY LOVE SNOOPY?? I felt warm and fuzzy when I saw this lol! So again, thank you.

    You haven't made me feel worse at all. And I'm lucky in that my partner is coming with me because I told him I don't think I can handle this on my own, let alone the ten hour round trip (not good with long drives). He does have my back and won't let anyone/thing fire at me, so I'm glad about that. In truth, if he was unable to come with me, I probably wouldn't be going.

    You're right too: I have been unfairly judged, not listened to and ignored for too many years by my family. My feelings were always brushed aside as me being "silly". Hence my anxiety in this situation.

    While I'm not happy that you suffer similar from your family, I do feel like I'm not alone in this, so I appreciate you sharing your own experiences and thoughts here.

    It does make you wonder, though, why did we choose such a tough path that involved alienation from family and a sense of not really being part of one? But we did.

    As prodigal as he can be sometimes (lol) I have a better relationship with my foster son than my daughter. I missed the boat with her somewhere, and feel like I'm still paying for not being a very attentive mother in those early years after I walked out on the marriage.

    At what point is it considered that we have paid a high enough price?



  • Who doesn't love Snoopy? 🙂

    When I saw it, I knew I had to send it.

    I'm so glad that you have the support of your partner. Sometimes you just need that one person in your corner, and it makes all the difference.

    Since I've been here, I noticed that many of us have similar backstories or struggles. Even in the society at large, I do notice that many people have the same questions about life. So we're definitely not alone in this.

    As sensitive people, we will always carry the energy of feeling hurt when our actions have hurt others - even when that was never the intention. There's something in this journey about learning to forgive ourselves (and others) - for all the real or perceived transgressions that have occured. We can only do so much in our lifetimes. As we evolve, our barometer of what is aligned or possible changes - and with that, our decisions and ability to accommodate disparity. But we tend to fall into the trap of judging ourselves later on how we fell short - based on where are now. The thing is, we cannot always save or exult both ourselves and others at the same time. Something always has to give. There's just too many variables. We're not meant to control all of it.

    I too do not understand why we chose so poorly (lol). A bit like self-sabotage. I know my life and choices would have been drastically different had I grown up in a supportive and nurturing environment. But I am starting to dissociate from feeling disadvantaged. I may feel disempowered in my daily circumstances and project that energy, but I feel distinctly that my true energy identity is quite opposite. And I want to focus on nurturing the latter.



  • That's an interesting point you brought up about feeling disempowered. I feel that too, and yet like you, I don't think that's how it is at all.

    The funeral was a very sad affair - what funeral isn't - and I feel that my nephew and I buried the hatchet without having to say a word. The poor boy's marriage has ended in separation and he lost his mother to boot, so I think he had quite a bit of emotional turmoil going on. We didn't speak much, but didn't need to.

    I still sense animosity from my brother in law though, but that is how it is. Whether I'm picking up those feelings correctly or not, remains to be seen.

    I am glad I went though, after all was said and done beforehand. My fears were largely unfounded, and I now can get on with my life being my parents' only daughter. Weirdly, I had the thought the other day that my sister and I can finally BE sisters even though she's in spirit.

    Judging ourselves too harshly seems to be one of our biggest hurdles. They say not to keep dwelling on the past, etc., but it's hard not to when thoughts arise of how we could've handled certain situations differently or better.

    So, how do we go about nurturing our own empowerment when we both - I'm presuming both - are feeling disempowered? I admit to experiencing a sense of very little control over the course my life is taking, and while I'd love to embrace the lack of certainty about my work/financial future, I just can't seem to! I'm worrying all the time about how do we pay for this, or that. It's driving me insane!!

    Yet in saying that, there is this small voice saying that it's how things are meant to be and all will be revealed in time.

    When I look back, my life was very planned and controlled in a lot of ways for a long time. It's hard to let go of the reins, but I'm thinking that I have to, otherwise I'll end up with permanent migraines lol! It does make you wonder though, what is in store for us?



  • Hi Moon,

    There's some healing and releasing that has come from this sad event - and I feel glad that you followed your instincts. You come across as 'brighter' and more empowered.

    It's weird. My life was never planned. It seemed that way right from the beginning. Even when I've tried to steer the course, things tend to happen to move me in completely different directions after a while. I haven't handled that lack of control well at all. Though I learnt to remain adaptable, I felt largely punished by life. There has been no progression and I have not achieved anything that all of my peers have. Thankfully, I've also been learning lessons about identity and valuing the essence of self, despite either not having or losing the external trappings that I've associated with being me. It's put a lot of stuff into perspective. Because I now understand that, to a large degree, there is no end point or dead-end We've been conditioned to think that if we fail at something, or don't achieve such and such, or if we don't fit the norm, don't follow the 'rules', or are deemed or become less able-bodied or healthy, or less privileged, or have less mental or intellectual capacity etc, that our experience will be less meaningful or limited. That's a false construct. A lot of how we approach life - the labels and the structures...although they are meant to make life easier to understand, they have also helped us to limit our vision of the vastness of what is possible.

    Even though I've achieved nothing tangible, there's been a lot of growth on the non-material level. That is immensely valuable to me. I'm a better person, albeit flawed, for all the experiences I've had. Good enough for me. No need for regrets.

    From this perspective, I would say that nurturing the spark of empowerment can come from the realization that there are no limits. No end point.

    Of course, then I find that I do not understand how to function in a material society.

    Like you, I worry about finances and day to day survival. And unfortunately, I recently had to make the decision to stop working at the job which has enabled me to have some financial stability for a few years. I had no choice. Juggling everything has come at the expense of cannibalizing my health, mental well-being and vitality. To feel that my survival did not seem matter to anyone and not being able to move forward - were big components in my sense of disempowerment. In one decision, I have changed the equation on this. So although I have just earned myself more financial worries, seeing as I must limit myself to part time hours (and it is also truly difficult to find homebased jobs), it was an empowering decision for me. I can't offer you any solid advice, but I think it's really about perspective, and figuring out what you need (for now) to feel empowered. It's not always straightforward to decide what that is, and it changes as you move forward.

    My instinct is that the next chapter is all about taking care of the mind, body and soul, exploration and creativity, then finding a decent balance with maintaining finances. There is also a concurrent thread of delineation from structure (most notably, familial).



  • It does change as you move forward, I've definitely noticed that. While I had a structured job, my income still wasn't always predictable. I feel like I've lived with financial insecurity since 2009, and it's getting a bit tiresome.

    In saying that though, there's this sense of not entering back on to the treadmill, or rather, not really wanting to, while knowing that the good old treadmill will provide a semblance of financial security that doesn't exist for me at the moment.

    I'm a bit torn between wanting that "semblance" of financial security back, or going with the flow where I'm at lately and seeing where it leads me. We've had enough money to deal with every day expenses, although some of that will dry up once the winter season ends. I can't help worrying about how we'll manage when that happens.

    I sympathise greatly with how hard it must have been for you to juggle work, family commitments and all those things that contributed to your decision to quit full time work and go part time.

    Your comment about delineation of structure (most notably, familial) struck a chord too. While I do worry about my elderly parents, I'd learned to live without them - and them without me - for ten years. I'm not in a great position to visit them too often either (I live a ten hour round trip from them). I don't have the "family" situation that work provided for me anymore either. One part of me is okay with this, the other misses that sense of belonging.

    So my messages to the Universe would be mixed and confusing because the material side wants that $$ security, while the other wants to blow it off and as I said above, go with the flow. And of course, there's always the attitudes of others who think that if you don't have an actual "job", then you're a loser and a bludger. I need to not worry about that, otherwise I'll make a decision based on what others think. I know I can't afford to do that, not now anyway.

    I've battled with pride, ego, what others think, etc., for too many years. A lot of that was upbringing, plus the attitudes of my ex husband and his family.

    It's a sense of purpose that empowers anyone I think. And that one feels they have choices in this world. I think you did mention having difficulties living in this materialistic world while battling with that spiritual side that so wants to create and contribute in a different, less structured way.

    It's a case of faith I guess! Faith that we won't be left without what we need to live well. Faith that all is being taken care of. I'm just not sure what I actually need to DO in order for Spirit to help; like, am I sitting around waiting for things to land in my lap, or am I actually meant to sit and let things flow? I've usually gone after what I wanted. Now I feel like quitting ... or for want of a better way of putting it, laying down the gauntlet and surrendering.

    These days, is that a good thing or not? When does one give the steering wheel up and let other forces guide the way?

    Issues of control loom large ...



  • Haha indeed, issues of control. I know what that's like 🙂 Could it be we're not supposed to do anything? By that I don't mean wasting the day away (although I think sometimes we are supposed to do that). But more in terms of focusing less on the specifics (how, what, when, who), the doing or the effort.

    I grew up with the idea that one followed the scheme, worked hard and reaped the rewards. Somewhere in the last 15 years (not sure), this paradigm started to shift. Now, effort doesn't always equal success. Setting goals, planning ahead and working hard, doesn't guarantee you get what you (think) you want. I did some of the right things - none of that worked for me. It's becoming more about allowing things to fall into place. It's almost as if we're reaching a breaking point in terms of how much we can direct the body/human race to bend to the will of living in modern times. As if we have been taken too far in one direction, that the soul is yearning for balance so much, it's actually taking back control. Now every other person has at least a hand or leg on the existential/meaning of life track...

    It seems like you can set the intention and take the steps, and recognize and act on opportunities that are sent your way, but it seems you're 'supposed' to let whatever will happen, happen. To be honest, I really don't understand how it is possible to exist in current times, without having split energy and losing faith. I wish someone could explain it. How does one follow one's soul and more spiritual leanings, without adequate finances - especially if we have dependents? Although I know that many of the lessons we learn are about becoming steady in spite of external circumstances which we cannot control, very often it seems counter-intuitive to stay in place and continue to battle with opposing thoughts. It seems that in order to shift the direction - we have to move out of the circumstances in some way, and accept that any hardship that follows, is part of the improvement process.

    I believe you're right about having faith and a sense of purpose. I've started to love what I do as a caregiver. It's answering a higher calling and giving me a sense of purpose I didn't have before. But I'm also paying for most of the expenses on my own, which is alot. If I won the lottery, and didn't have to work, I'd be doing what felt most aligned - I could take care of myself and my cat, without worries, and let life be. But I actually need to work, to support myself and him. It's been so difficult finding a job that fits my caregiving schedule. I want to trust an opportunity will present itself soon. But until then, I'm having to entertain the idea of doing a short term work contract with my former employer. I detest having to consider it. I barely escaped. I got stuck in that job too long - because I knew the difficulty of gaining alternative employment. Now that I'm free, I don't want to look back. The demands of that place were poisonous. I've stopped work for a month and I'm still so physically tired. I'm doing less and I'm happier but I cannot seem to recover my strength. Yet, I can't not consider it, because it will help sustain my savings a tad longer. It's taken years to have any savings, and though it isn't much, I don't think I'm meant to lose it all to feed unemployment.

    Like you, I've tangled with financial insecurity for too long and I'm tired of it. I started out my employment life going with the flow and was poor for nigh on 15 years. Things have only changed in the last few years. Still, it seems that what we 'need' is changing. For me, the need for fulfillment has eclipsed financial security ever so slightly. It feels unnatural to go back to the treadmill and there is a knowing that if I succumb, the attempt won't last. Because I have already outgrown the idea. I wish I knew how to reconcile the "needing money to survive" bit.

    Having to co-exist in this world and its ways, I developed the Type A persona. But my true self is much closer to just being a dreamer, a soul wanderer. I like living my own truths and allowing others to live theirs. I hate that in living and working so closely with others, we end up having to either stifle our truths or step on others' truths. I'd sooner shrug off that stupid Type A uniform, and just kick back in a tank top and shorts and be barefoot. And do any job that caught my fancy - even if I really had no talent in it - just so I could try it and learn new things, and I wish I didn't have to think about whether it would pay the bills or provide longer term financial stability.



  • Haha indeed, issues of control. I know what that's like 🙂 Could it be we're not supposed to do anything? By that I don't mean wasting the day away (although I think sometimes we are supposed to do that). But more in terms of focusing less on the specifics (how, what, when, who), the doing or the effort.

    I grew up with the idea that one followed the scheme, worked hard and reaped the rewards. Somewhere in the last 15 years (not sure), this paradigm started to shift. Now, effort doesn't always equal success. Setting goals, planning ahead and working hard, doesn't guarantee you get what you (think) you want. I did some of the right things - none of that worked for me. It's becoming more about allowing things to fall into place. It's almost as if we're reaching a breaking point in terms of how much we can direct the body/human race to bend to the will of living in modern times. As if we have been taken too far in one direction, that the soul is yearning for balance so much, it's actually taking back control. Now every other person has at least a hand or leg on the existential/meaning of life track...

    It seems like you can set the intention and take the steps, and recognize and act on opportunities that are sent your way, but it seems you're 'supposed' to let whatever will happen, happen. To be honest, I really don't understand how it is possible to exist in current times, without having split energy and losing faith. I wish someone could explain it. How does one follow one's soul and more spiritual leanings, without adequate finances - especially if we have dependents? Although I know that many of the lessons we learn are about becoming steady in spite of external circumstances which we cannot control, very often it seems counter-intuitive to stay in place and continue to battle with opposing thoughts. It seems that in order to shift the direction - we have to move out of the circumstances in some way, and accept that any hardship that follows, is part of the improvement process.

    I believe you're right about having faith and a sense of purpose. I've started to love what I do as a caregiver. It's answering a higher calling and giving me a sense of purpose I didn't have before. But I'm also paying for most of the expenses on my own, which is alot. If I won the lottery, and didn't have to work, I'd be doing what felt most aligned - I could take care of myself and my cat, without worries, and let life be. But I actually need to work, to support myself and him. It's been so difficult finding a job that fits my caregiving schedule. I want to trust an opportunity will present itself soon. But until then, I'm having to entertain the idea of doing a short term work contract with my former employer. I detest having to consider it. I barely escaped. I got stuck in that job too long - because I knew the difficulty of gaining alternative employment. Now that I'm free, I don't want to look back. The demands of that place were poisonous. I've stopped work for a month and I'm still so physically tired. I'm doing less and I'm happier but I cannot seem to recover my strength. Yet, I can't not consider it, because it will help sustain my savings a tad longer. It's taken years to have any savings, and though it isn't much, I don't think I'm meant to lose it all to feed unemployment.

    Like you, I've tangled with financial insecurity for too long and I'm tired of it. I started out my employment life going with the flow and was poor for nigh on 15 years. Things have only changed in the last few years. Still, it seems that what we 'need' is changing. For me, the need for fulfillment has eclipsed financial security ever so slightly. It feels unnatural to go back to the treadmill and there is a knowing that if I succumb, the attempt won't last. Because I have already outgrown the idea. I wish I knew how to reconcile the "needing money to survive" bit.

    Having to co-exist in this world and its ways, I developed the Type A persona. But my true self is much closer to just being a dreamer, a soul wanderer. I like living my own truths and allowing others to live theirs. I hate that in living and working so closely with others, we end up having to either stifle our truths or step on others' truths. I'd sooner shrug off that stupid Type A uniform, and just kick back in a tank top and shorts and be barefoot. And do any job that caught my fancy - even if I really had no talent in it - just so I could try it and learn new things, and I wish I didn't have to think about whether it would pay the bills or provide longer term financial stability.