I was wondering if I could get more insight on this new thread.
First is regarding a profession. I have been told that I would fare well in a care profession, eg health & wellness. But I've had to hold off further studies because of the care-giving responsibilities as well as rehabilitation for a back injury. Would like a hands-on job (eg physiotherapy), but not sure if I can tolerate the physicality anymore. Do you see how I might find my way into the care/wellness sector, and which particular profession would fit?
Second... my folks approached us for help with mum's healthcare costs - some expensive medication that she needs. We've pointed them in the direction of installments, but we would probably fail means testing as a family unit. But we aren't really a family, at all. I feel sad that they're stuck in this jam; however we the children do not have a safety net either. We never asked them for help - we found a way to help ourselves even when we've been in trouble. Not only because of our estranged ties, but because they never did any financial planning for themselves, and have minimal savings and insurance.
From a practical standpoint, they aren't in any shape to service loans/installments. However, I do not want me and my siblings to have to chip in to said installments. It will set us back, when we've been trying to move forward. And it's a never-ending cycle. Not sure where they stand on this, but I think we should put ourselves first. I want to.
Having helped a disabled adult son navigate medications before medicare kicked in I can suggest asking pharmacies for available help. They do not advertise it but most drug companies give out a certain amount of goodwill freebies for the pharmacies to extend as they please so ask around at different pharmacies.. Some of my son's meds were thousands of dollars.....like the injectable anti-inflammatory drugs. He corresponded directly to the drug maker and applied for their assistance and received the drugs . If your parents are that destitute the more likely they are to receive help. If your family is not wanting to engage with your parents you should call an elder care nurse advocate. All hospitals have a case worker that helps elderly folks navigate care. You have a right to say no but be clear about your intentions. If you were facing retirement tomorrow would you be prepared? Everyone has their own idea about responsibility. Do what you can live with........decide from a place of a care giver. There are ways of helping without giving money. It is my experience that when I did what I thought was right even though I was broke ....money magically came and the universe backed me up. Sometimes if I felt no....and stepped aside another solved the problem. I do not see Spirit letting you off the hook on this one.......there is a lesson on the end of this decision. Avoid family drama and rely on your best intuition. BLESSINGS!
The latest news is that there's no installments for the cost. I believe they have already seen a medical social worker. You brought up an interesting idea - but that option is not available as pharmaceuticals are (extremely) tightly regulated in my country. I would rather she get a second and third opinion before proceeding. I also get a sense that the hospital is blowing things out of proportion for their own gain, and that my mum may be able to find low cost natural healing/homeopathic methods - if she is willing to put in the effort/time. What do you think? Anyway, I think they will go ahead, not sure about the the money part.
I do empathize with their circumstance. Believe me, I have been penniless many times. But I also want them to work within their means and not assume that we can bankroll things or help every time there is a problem. They are not destitute - both are still working and we're all living in the family home. But healthcare costs are astronomical; it's worse when you don't have insurance (they don't, neither do we).
I think I need to apologize if anything I say is offensive. I do not have a healthy relationship with my folks.
I've become aware of the pattern of rescuing them throughout my life and I want to stop. That is my intention. I see how it's been a one-sided relationship, where they have reaped the benefits of playing the 'family card', at our expense - instead of being responsible for their mis-steps. I want all of it to stop.
It is precisely because we have tried to avoid family drama, and gone automatically gone into problem-solving mode all the time, that we have enabled them to 'not grow up', to not make better decisions , and continue to develop unhealthy expectations of us. It's awful co-dependency. Can't do it anymore.
We've had to step in to fix mistakes from their reckless decisions regarding finances/employment more than once. It's really hurt us. My sis and I paid off the remainder of the mortgage about 10 years ago. It let my folks clean off the hook, but the two of us got penalized - we're no longer eligible to purchase subsidized housing. That is part of the reason we are still stuck living in the family home.
I'm already tapped out from care-giving and all my personal issues. I have no more to give. Not just finances. This relationship with the family feels like a dead weight; I do not agree with going down together with the ship. And there's already a lot of resentment for the way things have played out. I'm working hard to try and correct my own mis-steps, to make better decisions, and to move forward in life. The only thing that makes sense to me is to let go of responsibility for their well-being. I cannot be in the same equation for my own sanity.
If only things were that simple. Medical costs will happen. It's not going to be a one time thing. I want to follow my truth - how do I do that without incurring karma for releasing responsibility of them?
You do not need to apologize for your relationship. I have been estranged from my mother many years. Not a fighting thing. When I was younger I tried too hard to please her and it was toxic to my self worth. She doesn't like closeness. I went many years without a relationship with her. Actually, now that she is in her eighties she is friendly! Funny how life can change. She often needed a parent more than a child. YET she wanted things done her way so it meant that any help extended tended to fail. I get that you have endured the same thing. I have done readings for you in the past and have mentioned feeling a very trapped energy around you....a heaviness. This is the first real clarity I sense about you. That must be Spirit's remark about a lesson at the end of this and the focus on responsibility. Things get clarity when we get down to the intention. There is nothing simple about liberating your self. Your intention is to be free to spread your wings and fly.......and be responsible for yourself. Maybe this crisis is just the thing to finally motivate you to take the leap. And I know this is long time coming....Your posts have gone back far and not much has changed.. You should not all be living together. You have all limited each other in breaking the mold of who you are in each other's eyes........your world is small. The past is too big in your lives.....bigger than dreams or future change. Yet...it's all you know. You blindly put yourself in a position to be dependent on your parents for securing housing. In their minds they most likely feel they helped you as you have a place to live but do not realize they clipped your wings. You all need liberation and the freedom to be responsible for yourselves FIRST. I am glad Spirit stirred up something in you because this is the most productive motivated energy I have ever felt off of you! Speak your truth! In my younger days I could not speak out to my mother for fear she would crush me . It was my challenge to not to put my self worth in the hands of others. or to get involved in decisions that went against my own good intuition. Also, it's very positive that you finally said it....you are sick of care taking! Good for you! That sure answers your career focus. There is a more rewarding side to care taking but when trapped as long as you have been you really need a long break in another direction. Only by distance from care taking can you truly discover if you have a real gift when you get to decide. I think your instincts about your parents and the medical suggestions are good ones. I think Spirit is really pushing hard right now to push you to escape your limitations and make that scary leap to liberate yourself.....one step at a time. Move away from all you've known and start practicing a peaceful indifference from the past. You are more than this constraining predicament your in. You can do this but you are going to have to be your own advocate, best friend and cheerleader all in one. But know that when you make bold brave positive changes with no road map the universe backs you up! BLESSINGS!
Blmoon has some very good advice and suggestions here. As I'd said in an earlier reading, if you choose to step aside, other help will be found.
If you'd like to pop back into the other thread where I gave you your first reading a few days ago, I do believe I picked up some things that were meant for you, rather than the one who I read for (crossed energies I'd say).
Those things that were meant for you, which didn't make sense to her, were:
You need to undertake physiotherapy for your self, along with massage. If you do this, and maintain the exercises the physio sets, you'll find you can manage your pain, and eventually move into that field and cope well with it. That's not to say that you won't experience periods of aches and pains, but you'll have the tools to fight them, and will manage. Try hydrotherapy also, because the blood temperature water has high therapeutic benefits and will also help you manage your own pain. I see you doing well in an area where you "lay your hands on", so to speak. I think you need this to further involve yourself in the outside world, as you've had to hold yourself back too much in caring for your parents. It's time for you to experience, feel, and revel in all the world has to offer.
Again, Blmoon has suggested a lot of helpful things in this area. In Australia it is possible to get financial counselling free, though I'm not sure how many consultations you can receive for no payment. Not being sure where you are, I don't know this might work. But even one or two consultations could help you and other members of your family to set your parents up financially without it being a drain on your own resources. I think your parents have taken enough from you and your siblings. The message I get here is NO MORE. They need to be led to water and drink it too really.
And again, I'll back up Blmoon in saying that you should never apologise for the relationship, or lack thereof, you have with your parents if you have done all you could for them. I suffered similar for years with my family, although I wasn't responsible for looking after them. I simply was their fall guy and blamed for the illness of my sister and other things that went on. They couldn't see where they were wrong, or that it was my sister who instigated it, and still don't. I held out the olive branch a couple of years ago, and we're on friendly speaking terms, though I know not to expect anything from them, let alone an apology. I apologised for my part in the whole mess I might mention, but I sure as heck wasn't taking the blame, the whole blame and nothing but the blame.
Sometimes biology isn't best. I say this to my foster son quite often, and came to believe it myself after this debacle blew up.
Take that leap. Say that resounding NO that you want to say. Enough is definitely enough here.
You are a kind, giving soul who has given more than enough. Don't let this situation run your well dry to the point where you don't feel you can give to anyone, or yourself.
Replenish your well, and live the life you're meant to. Good luck
Hope this helps!
Maybe it's the self-preservation instinct kicking in. I'm so physically drained and I feel like I'm dying in some sense. It's producing anger - and generating a lot of clarity in a hurry. But then I don't know what to do with it, because I'm still around family who want to perpetuate the status quo. It's driving me into emotional outbursts...just really disproportionate reactions. I don't like myself like that. Like a wounded animal who wants to bite everyone.
You brought up what i was thinking but didn't mention. That all of us deserve time away from each other, to live our own lives the way we want to, and be responsible for ourselves. I think my folks came from co-dependent, care-taking families and just carried it forward. And yes, I can so relate to what you said about your mum. Same deal with my folks. Push and pull and control issues. They actually throw tantrums sometimes. I never went to them much for anything past a certain age, because they just weren't a safe environment.
I have spoken up a lot in recent years. I voice out my disagreements, call people out on their nonsense and keep asking for what I need. But it just falls on deaf ears.
You are spot on about being blinded by the security of housing. I didn't realize at the time, just how big of a deal that decision (to pay off the mortgage, and lose the right to buy subsidized housing) would be. How much it would hurt me, and leave me feeling disempowered and trapped.
You brought up a salient point about taking a long break, before deciding if I still want to attempt a care profession. It's solid advice. I have a strong feeling I would fit in naturally in either nursing or social work. But I'm expressly giving it a wide berth now, because I realize I'm at least in part drawn by the familiarity of the care-taking aspect. I don't want to perpetuate that in my life anymore.
I want out. I am free-spirited - I need space. While I understand the necessity of the caregiving, and will continue doing so until its natural dissolution, it is going against my needs to maintain this. What gets me through is love for the one I'm taking care of -, but fatigue is winning out. It is killing me to be on a schedule, and to give up so much of the 'breathing space' I need. It would be nice to be only responsible for me and my own mess for a change.
I've always felt different, especially in my own family. Like I didn't fit. I struggle against the status quo and reluctantly acquiesce. It is just my nature. Even while I was enabling the co-dependency, I was fighting against it. I have ended up as the least liked child, silently carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am a loner, by nature, but also because I've felt unsupported in my family. Beyond a slight sentiment of wanting it to be what it isn't, it's dead weight. It just doesn't have the same significance that it ought to, and I feel as if I have to disappear for good once I am able to move out. I want to find my own tribe, who will accept me as I am.
I got lost in the thread and couldn't find the particular one you were referring to. It's interesting how you picked up about the physio and back injury for another person though:) I've been in physio for 1.5 years. Also tried acupuncture. Both are on hiatus now, because I simply have no energy to go anymore. I used to swim, but then after I settled into care-giving and all the related tasks it entails, I don't have time or energy for anything else. However, I am trying my best to still keep up with the physio execises/stretches I was taught. And trying additional things on Youtube etc. I am getting better, but some key aspect of the injury pattern has not healed and just won't budge. There are some congenital anomalies in the lumbar discs, that are considered normal variations - but seem to be contributing to the issues. And I don't know how to fix it. Taking it a day at a time. This developed over years, so it might take a while to heal. I am more hopeful now that it can.
I am a tactile person - I like to touch things. I do feel 'a thing' about working with my hands. But maybe that's because I'm trying to heal myself. I do self-myofascial release and stuff. Maybe that's what you picked up on? I am a bit sensitive to static electricity... occasionally i feel the current in wires or get little shocks. I'm sometimes sensitive to other peoples' energy too, but it's not significant enough to use it in any positive way. But if a mentor in any type of healing profession came along, I would definitely be interested to explore the path.
Many years ago, I had wondered about how we siblings could look into a regular investment for a financial planning scheme for my folks. But in many ways, I feel too depleted to care about this anymore. Notwithstanding my commitment to the current caregiving situation until it fulfills its natural course - I want to give to myself first. Moving out needs to be a priority. I have a feeling it will come to a choice between being able to afford rental and contributing towards my folks. And I cannot put my needs on the back burner again.
I want to step back and see if my siblings will pick up the baton. They have been spared a bulk of what I've gone through, and have no idea of the sacrifices I've made and am still making. The physical, mental and emotional strain is immense, and I'm tangling with the loss of my sanity all the time. I'm doing the proverbial 'robbing Peter to pay Paul' bit, and compensating in various ways to keep going. I feel completely invisible in my efforts. And I do worry everyday that I will lose my compassion for everything.
We do not have much of a social security structure in this country. There's very little that is free. Also, the framework for elder friendly services and support is still in its infancy. Children can be legally compelled to provide maintenance for their parents. I hope it doesn't come to that. I hope that even without my involvement, my siblings will initiate and sustain any efforts to take care of my folks financially.
this is the most clarity, energy and self love I have ever felt from you!!!! And I have been reading your posts for years! That wanting to bite energy is right on....that is how I know when I'm losing myself! It's a caged animal feeling and it is a self preservation warning....it indeed means you are dying! Do not feel guilty for needed boundaries. GOOD FOR YOU!
I'm getting back in touch with my inner dragon, i suppose.
I just thought about this: my folks actually distanced themselves from the maternal side of the family since I was a kid, because of continual drama and neediness from the relatives. It was an affirmative decision - so that they didn't have to feel responsible for solving others' issues. It's funny how these things run full circle, and I'm now having to make those same choices for similar reasons.
What you said earlier, is resonating more and more - it will take a long period of just being there for myself, and restoring the balance, before I can feel good about giving to others.
I'm also realizing it's rather useless to judge my thoughts and actions using the lens of someone who's had a healthy relationship with their folks and family - when I don't have one. The expectations are all skewed. Even though I know this, it's not easy to hold my ground, when the others also feel completely justified in said expectations. 'Morality' seems to be on their side, and not mine. But then, it's my sanity on the line, not theirs.
As much as I love the familiarity/security of my house, it's quite sad how it also has a subtext of being a prison and a bargaining chip. I really don't like that. I think I will enjoy having my own place someday. How - I do not know. But it's a good thought.
wow! Excellent AWARENESS!. Awareness is the foundation of all change. Putting it to action is not easy but it is very possible......it's the little choices that add up. Fear is the big obstacle and keeps many people trapped and unable to change. We do inherit our parents belief system even when we are not aware. We often feel it in our bodies. If things are looking too good we may have anxieties but don't know why or when we are stuck and our true inner power is stifled it often manifests in our muscles and joints. As if we have been rendered immobile and restrained . You are on a good path! Keep listening to your inner wisdom. Good for you! Keep praying for guidance. BLESSINGS!
My head is clearer when I detach from sentiments. In one of my first readings here, Captain said - and I'm paraphrasing - that I had one foot in and out of the plane of reality.
Maybe that's a by-product of not having a support structure all along. Perhaps I developed some kind of complex to cope (instead of an imaginary friend). I do wonder if it's a sign of mental illness too.
It seems so important - this growth and awareness - but I don't how to properly integrate this with being a person with wants, desires and feelings. I just fall off the wagon whenever I let go enough to care about a person or a situation. Or conversely, once I go into awareness, I lose empathy. I find it easier to be solitary - but ultimately that's not what I want, nor is it healthy to be isolated.
This situation with my folks - I feel like I'm shutting off from it. They went ahead to buy the expensive meds. Mum felt better for 2 seconds, and then she went back to her regular diet (when we had told her previously she would most likely have to overhaul her diet and lifestyle), and she re-triggered her condition all over again. Now, the expensive meds aren't working, and she's in a state where she can barely walk around nor eat. It's like if she doesn't have someone forcing her, she's not going to make the necessary sacrifices and do the right thing for her well-being. Theoretically, Dad can be that coach to help her through recovery. But he's also living in a bubble, and doesn't want to accept how serious her condition is or how much they both have got to change the way they live. Instead, he's being her enabler at times.
I find myself in an awkward space of feeling that this isn't my responsibility - and being turned off by seeing her suffering. I would rather she'd have remained in the hospital where she could be monitored. It's very mean, but I don't know how else to feel. I'm angry to be around such low disregard for self. But this is how they've lived their lives. They do stuff that's not in their highest good - and they hurt us in the process, or we are expected to rescue them when things go south.
Except - I don't accept being put in that position anymore. Nope. But I still have to live around this in the interim - which is trippy.
On another note, I'm trying to find a home-based position before my contract is up in a few months. Do you see a good opportunity - without too much of a pay cut? I used to go into the office twice a week, but I can't do this anymore, due to the caregiving. My employer understands the situation but business is business. It would be a good change for me to get another job too - and get a new start.
Hi Blmoon and Moon,
I've had a lot of insight in the last few days about my perceptions of what i value.
I've always felt alone and unsupported in this family. But there was a comfort in the 'idea' that I had a family; the security of having guaranteed housing via the family home is another layer to this. Well now I realize I really don't have a family - not in the way it matters, not in the ways I want. Not even my sis whom I had considered an ally in the caregiving at least. It's not that I didn't know this, but I didn't actually realize it. Having to now acknowledge that it wasn't in my head, and it is true that no one has my back - was very heartbreaking. I could drop off the face of the earth, and people would only mourn the idea of me, not really the value of who I was. What I had considered valuable only looks that way in the old context. It loses its meaning and veneer if I step into my truth.
But now that I understand this, I have to heal this wound. It's not about them or what they do or didn't do. Everyone has reasons, pain and issues. I realize the wound is in me. That means it can be healed - given time, nurturing, compassion, and enough space away from the source of the hurt.
I'm starting to understand that it is not about breaking family ties, and of abandoning them in their need (which was tripping me up) - but about moving towards my path and healing. There's a very fine line there - even though in my case, one action necessitates the other. I cannot do both, and I've got to choose me this time.
We grow up with a lot of family pathology that we unknowingly replicate in our lives and pass on to future generations. I've broken a lot of this in the last few years, but there's so much more to heal. Some of it is so difficult, so stubborn. I've often had to stand alone in my truth. And be looked upon as a 'troublemaker' in my family. Because I have unknowingly been rejecting the pathology of co-dependency, in favor of boundaries and accountability. Because it was in line with who I was and still am becoming. Even in terms of becoming vulnerable and of communicating that, I am trying to learn to do that. These forums are helping me greatly in this regard. It is vastly different from the 'suffer in silence and rage or ignore each other' instead pattern, that we practise in my family.
In care-giving, some people said it is transference (that I'm compensating for the love and nurturing I didn't get by providing it for another). I don't think it's that one-dimensional. I've realized just in the last few days, that this journey, for me, encompasses rejecting that pathology altogether (of having emotionally distant caretakers, of being damaged from not being supported and nurtured) and to move towards healing that wound. Because in spite of what I experienced, I got the chance to be for someone what nobody was for me. I bear witness to his struggles and I try my best to ease it. He can't tell me in words, but I see and I feel his unconditional love and appreciation. So it's not just anyone that I would have done this for. It is only for this one special soul - not only because of his vulnerability, but because we do have a reciprocal relationship. He has actually been there for me in the past, silently bearing witness to my struggles well - when it was completely invisible to others. I've seen the extent to which I will care for and protect someone whom I consider family, who truly cannot fend for himself. I'm made of much more than the generational pathology that I inherited.
Every personal crisis I've gone through alone, I did so under the holographic backdrop of a family and a home to go back to. Moving forward, that backdrop no longer exists. It's a bit like the Matrix. I shouldn't be afraid, but I am. Because it means acknowledging that even that bit of what I had thought I had was mostly an illusion. What's more, the path ahead is blank too. I feel displaced, like i don't belong anywhere. But I don't want my fear to make me afraid of moving towards what was meant for me. That is also one of the family's pathologies. My folks have many talents, and they had plenty of opportunities to lead successful careers and to grow their finances - but they sabotaged these somehow and continued to lead lives where they struggled with money and employment and were not valued for their services. Same deal with me. But I want to break that pattern in my life. I must.
I do feel resonance to a happier, more productive existence - and I want to keep stepping forward, even if I lose faith spectacularly on some days and go backwards. I had a meltdown recently, and I realized I felt abandoned (never really knew that) and I have been mourning the loss of the family i never really had. And I have also been grieving for the one I'm caring for, my only family, whom I will lose eventually.
Although there is a lot to work through, it feels like a weight has been lifted off and some of the anger has quelled. This next phase is about healing.