Love affair with Cancer Man

  • Hello everyone/anyone. My story is a bit different than most and I hope that all of you can be open minded about and provide me with some needed insight and guidance. I am married and have been having an affair with a Cancer man 12 yrs younger than me. We met at work. He came on pretty strong at first and we ended up having sex 3 weeks into the affair. We are now in month 11 of the affair and I think I have screwed it up and want to fix things.

    I will provide some background so that you can understand our dynamic better. We are from different cultural backgrounds. I am from Puerto Rico , raised in US, he is from Haiti and been in US since age 15. He is 35 yrs old. I am married, he is in committed relationship with his childs mother (as he refers to her). When we met he said we could be best friends qnd enjoy each other forever if i would like. He has not lied about his situation and neither have i. He made it clear this must be a secret if we wqnt it to last. I agreed and we started the affair. 2 months into the affair, i shared some info about my situatiion with a friend at work, and that person connected the dots and told a coworker of his and it got to him. Needless to say he became very upset with me and nearly ended our affair. I was able to do some damage control and he agreed to continue. This was my first error....things went on as normal for a while.

    4 months into the affair i decide to leave my husband because he was suspicious and i didnt want to let go of the affair. When i explained to my Cancer man he said i should go back home and work things out. I did just that after 3 weeks of being alone. After this my Cancer became distant we spoke but i had to initiate. When i asked when will i see you again...his response was always soon. He always hs responded however, that i can say. I left my husband 2 more times after this and even dated others. So the last time i left my husband i asked my Cancer when can i see you I am totally free...his response i stopped contacting him for about a month. He then reached out to me...even brome his own rule of no phone calls and left me a message asking how i was. When i asked him about ithe said "you cut me off" so i wanted to know how you are doing.

    By now its month 9 and i explain to him that i would never cut him off because i love him....yes i confessed that i want him and realized i wanted him more than he wants me so i pulled away from him to check my feelings. He understood nd we continued to see each other and i am home again working on my marriage. So as time has passed he also said he loves me. So all should be well but its not because of me. I want more and have been trying to get it from him any way possible. So i keep asking and he tells me we will work on seeing each other more but im not satisfied because he is not as forthcoming with his emotions as i am. Yes he tells me he loves me nd misses me once in blue. I initiate all contact now. He is always busy he says. He does make time to see me when im out and available and is always loving and i see he cares. However i want more emotions. You know love notes and sweet nothings. So i commit what i think is the deadly error. I get all emotional and write a ling letter expressing what i want for him to do. I asked for his heart and said we were in a relationship nd i needed/wanted more to be happy. Needless to say he got pissed off and said he wanted to end it cause he cant satisfy me and doesnt want to make me miserable. I was devistated and began dmage control again but im not sure that it worked. Im afraid he is gonna pull away again and i may lose him for good.

    I messaged him the day after he messaged me asking we end nd explained myself. He said i was pressuring him and he doesnt handle that well. He said i keep mentioning this relationship business. He said if he cannot make me happy then we may not be friends. I explained to him that i was just being emotional and that it waz my hormone. He said ok. I then told him he misunderstood that i didnt say he doesnt make me happy and that he does. That i believe he is the best and want him in my life. He said thanks. I asked him if he can still love me and he said yes. I asked idlf i could call, he said he was on the phone. I asked if i could see him...he said when. I said soon and he said he was gonna see his dailughter and he would let me know. Well 2 hrs later i sent him a text tellung him i was going home and just wanted to apologize in person. He responded 2 hrs later saying sorry, i took a nap. Wtf? We havent spoken since...this was 2 days ago. I have sent him an email....henever responds to my emails so i dont expect a response.

    So back to my original question...will he withdraw? Should i withdraw for a while? I believe all is not lost because he said he can love me but im afraid that it will not be the same. The ball is in his court...i know and he has total control...i know....i also know that he may be playing me...that we have no future....that i deserve better....i also know he is manipulative, controling, an a bit insecure....possibky chauvanistic....and lso deserve what i get for having an affair...i am an intelligent woman...hiwever..i enjoy what i have and dont want it to end just yet. I just want some real, sincere advice about my Cancer man whether you agree with what i am doing or not....please assist.

    Thank you in advance

  • I can't and won't judge you but when I read your post, it seems to me that expectations were the same on both your ends in the beginning and they changed over time on your end. I believe that you cannot have peace if you are in an affair. If you are looking for authenticity you cannot be at peace if you know that he is in another relationship and you are too. Someone always gets hurt, also your spouses (though they do not know this yet). For what I perceive in your writing, he doesn't seem to be inclined to leave the mother of his children. You have left your husband 3 times. That tells me that deep down you have the expectation that this relationship will bring you more over time. On a rational level you know that you should not be in this to begin with, yet you are (you say so at the end of your posting, that you know that you deserve better). He has a comfortable situation and I do not believe he's lied, he enjoys your company but he is not willing to let it grow in any direction, just take it for what it is. I believe that this is nagging at you though, you are not ok with your actions and you are starting to desire more and you can't have more with him...Maybe you can take some time to think things through? To really be honest with yourself before things get messier? Good luck and above all take sometime to have peace and think clearly before you and others get hurt (including your husband). If you do not love your husband anymore then do the right thing and part with him, do not stay with him in the name of convenience. Take the risk of being alone for a while. You may discover that you are even happy:)

  • Thank you so much for your response Mardepp. I truly appreciate you taking the time out to assist me. I realize i am in a stucky situation per say. I must say i am feeling much better as i had the long weekend to reflect on myself. I do indeed realize that i am the one to blame for this mishap as i am the one who wants more. As you noticed he has been honest with me all aling and i have appreciated that. However in my fantasy i keep hoping he chooses me. I know that is insane as i am too old for these fantasies however i think i have been bored in my life. I have chosen to stay in my marriage because i do live my husband and i know he loves me. This friend enhancescmy life in a way nothing else does. He gives me a certain joy that i have not felt in a long time. He is actually the cherry on top, and i was foolish to believe that he could be my sundae. I know realize he cannot be the sundae as he could not give me all that i need. He has his own life and is hapoy with it. I also realize he is happy with our situation the way it is. He does say i make him happy. However, my dilemma still remains as far as his current behavior after my emotional letter. I just feel that he will use this to his advantage as i have shown my cards and my flaws. He is speaking ti me however is now more withdrawn than ever, somethibg i was dreading. I want more from him not less. So i am just concerned as to how i would handle his distance and how i can get him to just be a little closer and show me more emotion. I dont want him to leave his girlfriend for me just to include me in his everyday life think of me as i think of express that he misses me. I know he is upset with me i am wondering should u create distance?

    Thanks again for your response and for not judging me.

  • I understand how you feel but your clarity will come from some time and looking within you. Right now you want to have some control over the outcome of things but you really can't because nobody can, not just you. You have been honest with him, believe that he knows what you feel and what you want. I think all this for you comes from a deeper dissatisfaction within yourself, something that has nothing to do with him actually...To get to the truth you have to be courageous, what does he represent to you that you need him in that place? You cannot entice him to leave the other person or even to be with you on a permanent basis. It is much better to know that when you share time it is genuine than to force anything. Ah, but lovers, we always want more from the one we love...

    So, you know that you want more from him, what if what he's giving you is all that he can give? Are you able to accept that? Also, you have mentioned that he is younger than you, so his maturity may not be where you are, men in general become more in touch with certain facts of life later than we do. You may be at a different curve in life than he is...I insist, I feel that once you pass the initial anxiety that some silence from him will give you, despite you missing him you will get much clarity from your own emotions if you give yourself some time. Trust that he will not forget you and he can also find you back when it is time. Deep down you know the answers to these questions and even if he answered each one of them for you you still would need to do that by yourself in the end. You cannot blame yourself for writing the letter, it is ok that you did that. Do not second guess yourself, you were who you were at that time. You also make decisions, not just him.

  • Thanks again four your insight. I really appreciate that you have taken the time to listen as i have no one ti share this secret with and it does hurt deeply. I agree with you and admit that i kniw the issue is deep within myself. I am disastisfied with my life right now and he has been merely a bandaid covering a great wound....a wound too deep for anyone to really cure but myself. I accept that and have taken the time to work on myself. However as you mentioned we always want more from those we love and how i love him. I know it may seem useless but i do love him and will always love him. I realize i must give him space and time to decide what he wants from this situation as i already know what i want and am willing to give. All i reallly wanted to know was what i mean to him...why does he keep me in his life. In 11 months we have only jad sex 3 times....he says its not about sex...then what???? He is not looking for a replacement girlfriend...he says he hasnt mentioned our affair to anyone...then why???? Why am in in his life???? I have asked and he tells me he cant answer that question. This is what upsets me. I have a curiousity to know what purpose i serve in his life....i know i may never get the answer. I also wonder will he make his way back since we dont really share anything...will he miss me enough to come back???

  • I am sorry that you are in pain, I really am. When was the last time you saw him? You mentioned work, do you see him every day? That must be hard if you have to keep appearances...I have to think about your response. I had a long day and feel depleted at the moment, but I do feel that you are in pain and I wish that you didn't feel that. The answers will come from him but I do not think they will happen right away. My question is why would you want to settle to being someone that has to share him with his girlfriend and settle for whatever time he can give you? Why would you allow yourself to be in that position? I know that you do feel peace when you are with him, but you do feel anxiety when you are not. You must figure out why this is happening and what the remedy for that would be, and the solution in not him. Even if he were available to you 24/7 you would still feel that, and that part needs healing first...I guess that is what I am trying to say. You deserve that love that comes from you towards yourself. He will not be able to give you that, your husband even couldn't give you that. I am not asking you for something easy, but something challenging that requires a change in your thinking so that you can be happy. I will write more soon.

    Even though my story is different something in your story resonated with what I have been through. This is why I feel empathy for your situation. I send you much peace, it is really more valuable than happiness.

  • Thank you so much for caring. It is good to know there is someone who is listening and can feel my pain. I have searched high and low within myself and i know there may be something missing. I also believe i may be going thru a mid life crisis. I am now 47 yrs old, my children are grown and i have lots of time to myself. Within the last 2.5 yrs i have completed my masters degree and switched careers 3 twice all in search of what makes me happy and still here i am searching. I have even seen a therapist. Ive gotten thru a gambling addiction as well. However, this man has provided the feelings i have been desiring. I understand what your saying about settling for the little he gives me. I dint see it as settling because i know he cannot give me more and i dont believe i want more. At least not physically. As i stated we dont have much physical contact. We work for the same company in the same building but i dont see him at work unless we meet as he is in a different department located on a different floor. The last time i saw him was 2 Fridays ago when we met for about an hour that evening. We just sat in his car, it felt so good. That is why this hurts because it was good enough and it was working and i have screwed it up. We have spoken via text but not much. He responds to most of my texts. Yesterday he did not redpond to my last text and i texted him this morning and no response yet. This was the last i will reach out to him. I have been staying positive because i know he loves me however, it stings. I did not seek this involvement with him and that is why i havent moved on. I dont want to seel anyone else. That would be wrong for me. However i have come to the conclusion that i need someone else besides my husband to make me happy and give me the love and feelings i need. My husband just doesnt cut it anymore. I love him and i know he lives me but he doesnt provide the feeling i am in need of. I will not leave him because i am invested in our marriage. I have assisted him in getting to where he is and he is successful now. I will not leave that...however i will get what i want and need from elsewhere. This cancer is perfect as he does not jeapordize my life and now i messed that up. So i am indeed hurting...i have so much love to give and feel like he no longer wants it. I am sure i will be fine in the long run as i am a very strong woman. I just have needs that arent met right now. I will patiently and positively wait for my lover and if he doesnt come back i will move on....heartbroken.

  • 😞 I am sorry. I do not think you've messed it up though. I have blamed myself for something going wrong with the one I love too, but in truth there is nothing I could have done differently. I am 48, so I understand. Peace is possible though. You are very clear in your thinking and what you what, that should bring out solutions.

  • I do indeed feel much better as time does help in healing. I will continue to thank you for reaching out to me. I do realize i didnt actually mess up as i had certain emotions i had to share. It just pains me that i changed the status quo for us and now i have to wait. One of my weaknesses is my impatience. I have howevet, learned from this as my impatience has caused me to have to wait even more. I long to be in his arms and smell his cologne. I realize he is still available just not as before and i feel like im walking on eggshells watching what i say as i dont want to make things worse. I know i will be fine however as the pain is subsiding. Thanks again.

  • I think you are indeed deceiving yourself in many ways

    • you are not working on your marriage at all, since your time and thoughts are preoccupied with this other man. You are not being fair to your husband to keep giving him hope of something that is not there.

    • this man doesn't love you and you do know that deep down. Look at the terrible off-hand way he treats you. Just because you want more from him doesn't mean he can or is prepared to give it. He likes having sex with you and is indeed playing you. He gets what he wants form you and doesn't want anything else - how do you know he doesn't have other women he is stringing along just like you?

    • this affair will never be anything more. It takes two people to make a relationship work and this guy's heart is just not in it.

    I think this whole business is more about you feeling less attractive and desirable as the years pass and wanting to prove your lovability (plus not wanting to be alone). Do you feel love from your husband at all? Do you love yourself - this affair must have made your self-esteem and self-respect plummet. Be good to yourself and give up this player.

  • Thanks for the response.....hiwever, i really was just asking for information regarding his sign. I am completely aware of the type of telationship we have and what will come of it.

    -i am indeed working on my marriag as i my husband is hapoy with me and my love for him. He is not lacking anything from me or our relationship. He is first and foremost as far as my time is concerned. I take care of him and our household very well.

    -this man loves me in his own way...just as i love him in my own way. He has not lied to me. I know where he is coming from and what he wants from this relationship. Yes i made some mistakes not becauae he misled me in any way simply because of who i am and how i deal with things. Now i have a grip on the situatuon. He gets whats he wants as i am able to get what i want...all within reason. Its a mutual exchange and agreement. I started asking for more because its who i am. Does he have other women? i concerned? does not matter because we are not in a conventional relationship. The i previously mentioned is really not a we dont have much of it. 3 times in 11 months is hardly anything a player would be proud of.

    • as far as the affair itself...i know it wont be more rhan what it is as it was never ment to be more. From the beginning it was understood...friends with benefits....nothing more...nothing less. If we play our cards right...this could last forever as is if we dont rock the boat...or expect more. The issue i explained...i wanted more....not a relarionship....just more of the affair itself....

    -do i love myself???? Of course....this is why i treat myself. This affair provides me with the excitement i am craving....not love necessarily...but excitement...just thinking...knowing that one day we will meet exciting to me...he may nit be mine all the time however he is mine when i need him to be...i dont want all of him ..just enough of him to make me smile and he does that well. I realize that most will not agree with me and will not understand my way of thinking however i am ok with i previously stated...i was looking for advice on cancer men...i was afraid that i disrupted our arrangement and thst he was done with me. I just wanted to know the best way to deal with their moodiness...and gow to get him to open up more...nit leave his girlfriend....just be more emotionally available to me.....

    Thanks for any advice on cancer men....

  • Hi Lolita, you say "I just wanted to know the best way to deal with their moodiness...and how to get him to open up more...not leave his girlfriend....just be more emotionally available to me....." Well, any person cannot be invested emotionally the same in two people, if it is a romantic relationship. So, while you say that you do not want him to leave his girlfriend that means exactly that, that he cannot be more emotionally available, because he is not really available, he really can't be. What you will get with him is just encounters every once in a while (whether through text or in person), and even though they are important to you and maybe to him too, that's all that they can be while you are both attach to other people. He will probably not be able to open up more, nor should you if you are giving a real chance to your relationship with your husband. I was married to a cancer for 10 years, together for 12. I had another relationship with a cancer man after my divorce. No amount of begging will make them talk when they do not want to talk, you'll just push him away. They do better with laughter and simple daily things than complicated analysis. While they might be doing it on their own (thinking, analyzing) that doesn't mean they necessarily want to share. They need to go into their shell pretty often and they get along with people who understand that. It is not personal, it is just how they are.

    I hope that you are feeling better about yourself and that you see things more clearly.

  • not interested...

  • james111, your sort of blatant trolling and scalping truly gets my dander up. If you want to get people interested in your "stuff" then may I suggest you post up a separate thread, rather than butting in on someone else's, or better still, don't post up on this forum AT ALL.

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