Cancer Man (continue or not???)
I know it's a little long... It's a long story. Please help!!!
I (leo) started seeing a cancer guy in sept 2016. We met on a dating app. He is 31 and I m 27. The first 3 dates went perfect, we dined out, he was very caring and lovely. I got attached to him. My feeling started to grow, same as his. As we see each other in oct 2016, he said he likes me and kissed. Then in nov 2016, he confirmed that he likes me a lot, and we became bf/gf. We both agreed that we are seeing each other exclusively as bf/gf and we don't want to see anyone else. He introduced me to one of his best buddy in-person and introduced me to one of his other best buddy in the phone. Then we hangout a few more times between nov 2016 and the first week of dec 2016. We had sex that last date. Then we haven't seen each other since that first week of dec 2016 till now first week of jan 2017.
I always believe action tells more than words... He came on very strong and very persistent. He text me everyday between sept - mid dec, asked how's my day. Even when he was busy he still text me good morning / good night. And would always text me kisses, hugs, and said miss me. Therefore, I believe he really likes me like he told me. And I really likes him too. I don't know if I get to the "love" phase yet, but I think I am moving towards that direction.
Btw... not sure if this is useful info... We rarely call each other because we kept calling each other at a bad timing... either I was doing presentation or he was in meeting (and believe it or not we work hard, we do work at nights). And text worked perfectly fine with us thus far. And we always exchange photos of places we go with each other via text.
He is a very gentle, nice, polite, caring (especially he is very family oriented), lovely, and sweet guy. Although our backgrounds are very different, but we have similar dream in career growth, similar dream house styling, and dream living style. So I am hoping we can have a future. He stated before that he think he will have lots fun, adventures, and lovely moments with me. And he always say that I am a sweet, cute, and smart person. And I always say he is a smart, polite, and amazing person. I do admire him a lot, and I always tell him how amazing he is.
The time we met was his most slowest time in life, he only has 1 job at that time. But started in Oct, he started his own company and his mom was sick a week or two later (she still sick now, doctor still can't figure out why)... so he became extreme busy with 1 job, 1 company, and his mom to take care of. Originally, he has a goal to meet by dec for the company, but somehow every things are not ready, so he didn't meet the goal. I am sure he got frustrated. And he is even more stress and frustrated now because he resigned from his job so he can focus on his company. He is a hard worker, workaholic, he work almost 7 days a week now. Plus his mom still sick for some unknown reason. I am very sure he is insecure, because he gets no paycheck every month now and still need to pay his employees. He is frustrated and stress as well because of the chaos from starting that company and his mom being sick. And like I said he is very family oriented. Even his super busy and having a crazy life now, he still goes home 1-2 nights per week to see his parents, and they live away about 1.5-2 hours drive.
I know everything sounds a little perfect right? BUT here comes the problems...
1. We didn't see over a month! I was hoping to see him during the holidays... but either he was working or he was at his parent's house, so we didn't get to meet. He said it is not polite and not respect to leave his parents along during holidays. I agreed, because I spent time with my family all the holidays as well. btw we are about 45 min drive in between plus a bridge.
Although I was little disappointed, but I do respect that because I do the same as well.
2. the week before christmas... I guess that was his most busiest week, but it was my most nothing-to-do day... I got a little frustrated and said that why I m the last resort of his agenda. He replied a very strong statement said "do you know how much stress to run two company? And how much insecure when there is no pay check waiting for me?" (he meant his management job and his own company) I replied "no I don't know about running a company. But I do know how stressful when I don't get a paycheck." And I said "I just feeling a little sad because I miss you." And "now I also want to support your dream... I guess I will take care of myself. keep me posted with all your accomplishments. I look forward to all your news." And he replied "thank you for understanding"
I think I got him mad for being needy. I agreed that I was a little insecure and missing him too much.... but he haven't text me much since mid-dec, it makes me worry!
the day after christmas he actually texted me and said he miss me and wish I can stay over night at his place.
which is impossible, I still living with my parents, and they won't let me stay over night at a guy's house before marriage.
3. So on dec 30th, because I missed him so much, I drove to his house/company (same building) one afternoon to surprise him... but unfortunately, his mom was there so he can't invite me into his house. that day was a little bitter... he was happy because he get to see me and he knew I meant good to surprise him, he hugged and kissed me before I turned around to go home. but he was also feeling a little disrespected (I asked about his feeling), because I shown up unexpectedly, he wants me to stay longer, but his mom was at his house (per he said), so he felt I stepped over the line. I think he wants to tell me that he want the control.
I do agreed that we are not ready to see the parents yet, since we only really being official for 1-2 months. But I just feel even more lonely that we only get to met for like a 5 mins... then I still don't know when to see him again.
4. started in mid-dec he have been slowing down with text messages, I have to initiate most of the time now.. then started in jan he sends me even less messages, sometime just 1 sentence or 1 word, he even didn't text me on jan 5th, but he text me immediately the next morning jan 6th to explain that he got caught up with xxx
After he asked me about whether I understand his stress starting a company, I research a bit online and learned a bit more about his frustration.
I told him that I decided to support him on jan 6th and said "thank you for understanding"
5. now today!!! I went back onto the dating app, trying to deactivate my account, because I didn't know I have to manually do that. So I figured his account still active!!! I thought to myself, maybe he didn't know he have to manually do the deactivation. But I guess I was wrong... originally, he only has 3 photos on his profile, but now there is the 4th photo!!! And that was a photo he took during christmas!!! I know because he texted that to me on the day of christmas!!!
I am blanking out now... not sure what happened!!! He was so trustworthy till the moment I saw the 4th photo... now I am not even sure if I can believe why he was being so busy!!! Now I m suspecting that it was not his mom in his house the other day --- but perhaps another girl!!! Because now I feel like he is not treating me exclusively!!!
I know I must cool down to think clear... my plan is to ask him out or to hangout with him sometime soon and discuss this face-to-face, because at the beginning before we became bf/gf, I told him that I am very straightforward and want to have a relationship that's high in transparency with no secret and he agreed. So I really think we must talk, discuss, and solve this together.
But before I m going to have this discussion with him, I would like to get as much advise from anyone everyone!!! Please help!!!
TheCaptain last edited by
Unfortunately, it is very typical 'Cancer man' behaviour to come on strong and then cool off and retreat when someone turns out not to be the perfect partner (who doesn't exist). Yes this man wants all the control over the relationship and I also feel there is something secretive or dishonest about him that he is hiding from you. You are not someone who can take having all the control taken away from you for long and, if this man cannot share more of himself and his life with you, you will become very sad and frustrated. He is keeping you at arm's length in order to control you and also to have the time to make up his mind whether you are enough like his mother (whom all Cancer men worship) to make him happy. Expect more of this erratic behaviour to go on, and if you have 'the talk', expect him to further withdraw into his shell. I would start looking for someone else if I were you. I definitely don't feel he loves you and you will just get your heart broken here with him pushing you away so much.
Hi TheCaptain. Thank you very much for your respond. I still cannot decide if I want to run-away without giving him a chance to explain. I really want to deal with this in a very mature way... that's why I wants to talk.
He was the one who helped me out to overcome my previous relationship. He was constantly caring and cheering for me when I was super upset, that's why I trusted him. But now... that trust seems breaking apart.
Please help!!! More suggestions please!!!
moonalisa last edited by
TheCaptain last edited by
Yes, Cancerians are very drawn to help people who need comfort and support because it is in their nurturing nature. But he may have lost interest now that you are back on your feet again.