It’s been a long time… How have you been? I happened to look at the forum a few weeks ago and saw that you are back. I have thought about you over the past years, hoping that everything is going well for you. I took a long break myself, too much spam here.
I reread some of the last posts and obviously much has happened since then, mostly good things. I’m still in my home country. I gave up the search for a job abroad as that was not going anywhere. So I got a job in one of the embassies here instead. The position I got was really significantly below my skillset, but this whole diplomatic world seemed really interesting to me and looked very glamorous on the outside at least. I stayed there for a year, it was a very interesting experience, very different from all the other places I have worked. I really wanted to belong there, but it just wasn’t the right fit. I tried to apply to other positions there, but I didn’t get them and eventually I decided that this was a dead-end after all. But just then my boss also decided to change jobs, she was hired as the general manager of a local branch of one international company and she offered me a job in the new company. A management job, with quite a lot of responsibility. I didn’t really have very high expectations for this positions as it seemed like just another finance job and not the kind of change I craved. But actually, to my big surprise I have actually enjoyed it. I have been there for almost a year now and it’s all going well, but maybe just a bit too comfortable and easy. I also found a nice new apartment that I love, I have really enjoyed redecorating it a lot. So all in all everything is kind of nice, all aspects of my life have been slowly improving. Nothing big and exiting but more like a slow and steady one step at a time kind of energy.
For quite some time I have kind of convinced myself and others that I’m not looking for any big changes anymore and that the slow quiet rhythm is the best. But lately I have been starting to question that again. I have been thinking a lot about the past 5 years and all the craziness and the strange journey you helped me with. And I wonder what it was all about and what the end result or goal was actually supposed to be and that maybe that stage is not yet completed as I had thought. I remember how you said at some point that you see that I’m past the half way mark and I was so disappointed because I thought I was close to the “finish line” If you have any thoughts on that, I’d love to hear them.
Finally, as Thanksgiving is approaching, I think it’s a good time to say again how grateful I am for all your help over the years. Hope you enjoy the holidays:)
I thought of you!!! The spam war has us bumping a lot or your post get's lost. Let me catch up with you soon......thank you for connecting. I took a long break as well and so nice to hear from you. The new moon this week should help reading for you. BLESSINGS!
Hi Blmoon! Thank you for getting back to me, hard to find the posts here with all the spamming going on. No hurry with the reading, if you are not feeling well. Just after I posted my little update a new potential job opportunity came pretty much out of the blue as I had not been looking or applying for any jobs. One headhunter contacted me and told me about this job and asked me ig I would like to apply. I'm not even sure what to think about this but as it's a long process with many interviews I thought I will give it a try and see how far I will get. Love, K.
You have always had good intuition about changes ahead. Going from comfortable to change can be unsettling. It's both personal and universal right now....many others have been revisiting the past but in reality it's not a bad thing but is meant to put up a mirror so you can see how you have changed! A pat on the back! Your vibe is less anxious and has matured. Your self confidence has improved and I sense that you do not compare yourself so harshly to others . You seem in a good place and you are on path. As for the finish line....I believe at that time you were very focused on the perfect job. I think what was harder to do was resolve issues about yourself first and the job would come. You seem to have improved in the patience department! I am proud of you.....You have overcome that need to make things happen when you were bored. Your worst choices came from boredom and impatience. The wisdom to see the power in slow and steady is a huge leap. Good for you! I do see a job change that fits the new you and all you need to do is be self confident. And include that intuition. I do not get any details about the job yet........I think for now you will be empowered by your progress....to acknowledge it and own it. Keep in touch! BLESSINGS!
It’s been a long time, I hope everything is going well for you. The forum seems to be a bit better now with less spam. I know I promised to keep in touch, so I just wanted to give a quick update. Last time I mentioned a potential new job opportunity that came pretty much out of nowhere. Well, that didn’t work out in the end and actually it’s fine, as during the various interviews I had for the position, I realized how stressed out everyone were at that company due to the big work load, so maybe it was for the best. Soon after that, a friend offered me another opportunity to work as a part time editor for one beauty/fashion magazine. I kept my old job and just did that from the side, I loved the creative part of writing and organizing some photo shoots, but I also realized that I wouldn’t want to do that full time and that job ended in March due to some cut backs they had to do in the magazine. I do like my current job, as I have a lot of freedom and flexibility there to organize my own work, I have great colleagues and I don’t have to stress about money, but some new challenges would be great. Hopefully I can find another side job soon to try some new things, but I don’t yet know what that would be.
Other than that, I decided that it’s time to start focusing more on socializing and dating again and so I’ve been out with quite many guys in the past 10 months. I’ve met a lot of different people, most were nice enough to go on a few dates, a few were just horrible and 3 were very attractive to me. But so far nothing has come from that. I’m getting a bit concerned that nothing much has changed after all and I’m not sure what else I can do to get a different result. From the ones I liked, guy number one was physically very attractive, he’s a professional basketball player who has lived in many different places and I guess I was drawn to him because he was so passionate about what he does. We went on 3 dates, he was very charming at first, but it turned out he was a total player and has a family back in his own country, so he was just looking for fun while he lives and works here. Guy number two was a French businessman, who just recently moved here. He was in his late forties, so about 12 years older than me. He has also lived in many different places and travels a lot for work, but claimed that he wants to settle down now in one place, start a family and stop working so much. We dated for a few months and I liked him, I thought it was going well, but then suddenly he told me that he will now have to travel for at least for 2-3 months for work and that he doesn’t want me to put my life on hold for him and that we can see how it goes when he comes back. I said in that case I’m done and we haven’t been in contact since then. Guy number three is a Portuguese guy, an engineer, who has lived here for about 3 years. He made a big life change 3 years ago when he moved here, he got divorced, came here to study for a new career and started a new job about 6 months ago. At first I thought he’s not my type at all, more quiet and maybe even shy. Definitely not the tall, dark and handsome I would prefer, but I grew to like him. He has a good sense of humour and I liked how openly and patiently he answer all the questions I was asking him, even about the more difficult things in his life. However, after seeing him on and off for about 4 months now, I’m getting a feeling that this will not go anywhere either. He seems to just want to keep things casual and I’m not interested in that.
So, I guess my question is then what do I need to do differently to attract a real keeper? I think I have been trying to keep an open mind and go out with different kinds of people. Throughout this process I have actually changed my mind about many thing and qualities I thought were important to me but turned out not to be (and vice versa). But still, this feels like an endless testing period…
This turned out longer than I planned:)
long time! How nice to connect again. You have had a busy life. First, let me answer your question about what you need to do to attract a winner in the mate department. Change your thinking about that as you need to expect your mate to be attracted to you as is! Trying to be a CATCH for someone is not a good way to attract a healthy relationship. As I picked up on your man shopping from here I can see the same pattern. Despite their very different personalities and situations the one common thing about them is they are all unavailable. If you were to ignore the attraction side of it and analysed them each from an intellectual assessment you would see how each presented a CHALLENGE as a permanent catch. I think we covered your taste in men way back when we first connected. Your complicated need to both connect yet a more hidden need for SPACE. At your age these kind of awareness discoveries are right on path. Part of you knows you DO have a hand in this pattern of attractions but it is more about awareness then trying to change who you are. You will always find unavailable men interesting and feel a pull toward that challenge and you will repeat many emotions and feelings that arise which you didn't talk about but part of this journey of mate searching includes the original wound from childhood that wants to be healed or at least acknowledged. I believe we covered that. Two issues play out for you....the wound and also your own nature that has a contradiction. You have a strong passion for movers and shakers.....dominating energies.....YET you have a very introverted side as well that has hidden fears. Likes a safety net. I think early on in a reading it was stressed to you to ALWAYS know who you are so you can make choices that over ride your compulsions. We ALL are presented with this challenge in our journeys! As we age we see our patterns more clearly. If you can see the pattern of your dating choices and attractions you will be more inclined to take a pass earlier. Relationships tend to be opportunities for growth. They often mirror our own hidden side. Unavailable people seem to mirror in you that conflict with your craving for intimacy yet you also fear that vulnerability that comes with it. You crave connections and the energy of things happening...new experiences....an adventure but you also get overwhelmed easily. You need solitude and quiet just as much and it's that balance you will be most happy with. At your age it is normal to be preoccupied with being a couple. But it's not something productive to put energy into making it happen. I know you've heard this before but it's a truth. The right man comes along when you are most busy NOT looking for him. If you are busy being happy first in your life you will be presenting the true version of yourself and that man will act on that. What you need to consider when a man shows interest is the FACT that you do attract unavailable men. Men who sense you will comply with their unspoken need for non-commitment. Often these men don't realize they are doing that. In their minds they just feel the initial compulsion attraction but as the reality of permanency gets closer, situations arise that allow them to justify a get away. This will get way to long to go into all this. Let's just say that worrying what you are doing wrong is not the way to see the dating situation. Also, lighten up and enjoy dating without the agenda of permanency. Once you start getting those old painful feelings then it's time to STOP. Be able to say to yourself....I'm doing that wound thing. It's starting to hurt. I'm feeling not enough. Anyway, Dear K, I need to stop here and hope I've given you enough to spark a DEEP thought! You are very bright. I do see that a good match for you would be a man with a very creative side. An artist who creates with GREAT VOCATION. Who, like you needs stimulation yet as well solitude! BLESSINGS!
Thank you for your quick reply. It did give me a lot to think about. I do remember the repeating themes and I have reread the old threads several times over the years. I remember that you said that that it’s almost impossible to change what attracts you, but as you become more aware, you should attract people who, like you, have done the work and are more aware of their own patterns. So I guess I’m a bit frustrated that I don’t see even that having changed. I also know that I need to be careful about not getting attached to men who are really not available, but that is not always so easy, as it’s not necessarily obvious WHY they are unavailable and sometimes contradicts what they say they want. I agree that the key would be to practice seeing the old patterns in play more clearly and just stop when the old painful feelings start to come up. Not easy to do, but I will keep working on that.
I think I’m also more at peace with the togetherness/solitude contradiction and I’m looking for different ways to make it work with all the relationships I have (friends, family, colleagues etc). I get what you say about not focusing too much in making it happen and that it should just come naturally. But I’m not sure I buy into that 100% any more. In my own experience, and form what I see around me, I think it is important to date many different people and be open to meeting someone new, not just believing that it will happen when it will happen. In fact, I think starting dating again has been very good to me in many ways. I didn’t go out on dates for several years, at first thinking that I’m not ready or not interested and later I didn’t even know why not. But when I finally did start dating again, I realized that there was actually a big fear related to that that I had to overcome. I was so anxious and nervous on the first few dates that I wanted to just leave, but I was committed to going at least on one date each month and I can say that by now I can meet someone new and enjoy a nice date even if I never plan to see that person again.
For sure part of the reason I’m thinking more about relationships and dating at this point is because all my friends are starting families, getting married and it seems that being a couple is the norm at my age. I also want all that, but I know I can’t force it. That is why I have put some much effort into building my life up again since I came back and I’m actually very pleased with the progress I have made in all other areas of my life. I guess I just need to trust that everything will work out for the best. Meanwhile, I’m getting a puppy next week, so I will have my hands full with that little bundle of joy.
Thank you again for your insight into all this!