Can anyone help me with my mom?

  • My mother has driven me nuts as early as I can remember, she has always been extremely over protective, embarrassing,intrusive,irrational,manipulative and always has the need to control "for your own good" she makes a mess of everything and leaves you to pick up the pieces while nagging you the whole way.I've said angrily time and time again that I hate her she needs to leave me alone but I keep letting her in.She shifts things around making others believe you are the problem.Just recently she has been taking my son to school while I work, instead of the nice clothes I put on him she changes his clothes and puts him in rags to make others believe I don't take care of him.

    Every phone conversation with her ends up with one of us hanging the phone up or screaming at each other.I know I need to walk away, but if I do I really want to know what her problem is? I feel it may be narcissism, or a mental illness.My nephew is her "pet" and he is extremely violent and I feel is kind of psychotic considering he tried to drown my son, hit my sister with a 2x4, hit my other nephew with a rock in his head. But them 2 kind of gang up on everybody are they the same? If I walk away from this I need closer that its not just me,and she is really sick.

  • KT,

    Read some books, such as toxic people,energy vampires, learning to handle a bully,, etc,,They teach you basic skills as well as how to detach yourself from people like your mother who have issues..They also teach you how to protect yourself and those you love from these types of people..

    People like your mother are not only wrapped up and having problems within themselves they are also struggling with their life lessons,, while they teach us about our life lessons if this makes sense.The negative crud that comes with these type of people is meant to teach us about ourselves.I am not saying it is nice nor are the lessons pleasant to learn especially when your tied to someone like this during this walk in the physical..But you will find a place in your life where you have more understanding and a form of compassion that will allow you to look at her and realize instead of anger and frustration she is more in need of being pitied because she is stuck and cannot find a way to grow and expand in a positive way in this world..However if there were not people like this walking the journey of life with us how would we learn and grow..We have to have a comparison for our minds to grasp the negatives and positives.Oddly enough there are also some people who do this and have no clue but thats also a part of their journey not ours..

    Try and think of her as a "special and unique" teacher..You can learn so much from her,walking away may also be a part of your lesson only you can find that with in yourself.I balance several of these "special"people in my life.It took me a while to not judge them and step back and realize their issues are not mine.. Detachment is hard to learn,,LOl especially with others who push your buttons..



  • I think my anger comes from, feeling that she had so many influences over my life and they kind of put in so many bad situations. I'm not one to blame others but sometimes I have felt I could have done some amazing things in my life and she always held me back because she was very jealous of anyone doing better then her, and sometimes she'd sabotage me. I understand she has a whole lot of learning to do and I did choose this life, here, now for whatever reason. But I hope in the next I will never run into her again LOL.

    I agree with the question, what do you learn when life was easy? because I believe life is about experiences to help us grow, but I feel she is a hopeless case and she will be back again to terrorize more people in the future and you could never get her to wake up.

  • Thanks again for your input MTW, I really appreciate some of positive and constructive ways to deal with it, calling her "special gives me a whole different perspective, it actually makes me feel like I'm ore in control, and she's more like the child.

  • KT,

    you got it,, LOL,, not many people do..Wording can help us find ways to turn around the thoughts and emotions these people can trigger from us..They feed on the energy that we put out for them, especially the negative,,,,, the calmer, more positive and self assured we come across when we speak to people like this the less energy they drain from us.I am sure you notice since you give off an empathic energy..How much dealing with your mother leaves you emotionally and physically feeling drained..

    I have the "special" people known as father of my children , his wife,mother and sister who have the same attitude as your mother, I have had to find my way to balance so they no longer use my time nor energy.I have learned the hard way that they all have their own set of issues that are not mine, never have been regardless of how many times they have tried to dump them in my lap as my problems.I now acknowledge them politely with a form of indifference answer their question point blank , I ignore the rest of the crap they toss around,, Wish them well and sign my signature line if it is in e-mail..or say good bye on the phone,,

    This becomes a skill you teach yourself by slowly putting it into practice in bits and pieces..You will master it in time,, right now your anger is understandable your young and searching your way,, anger can be useful to propel us forward just find a balance for it in your life so it does not hold to much power,,



  • Thanks MTW, I think I need to start changing my attitude toward her but I'm such a hot head LOL.

  • It must be tough dealing with a mother like that especially when you want your son to know his grandmother. My good friend actually just went through a rough period of time like this, she regained custody of her daughter from her grandmother and it was a similar situation. Very painful, very volatile, very manipulative. People like that must be dealt with in a certain way, but that way is so hard to try when they drive you crazy. You can't shout you hate her to her cause she is just going to get angry and not listen to a word you say. It sounds like you might have to flatter her to get what you want. Which can be a pain, but while your son is in her hands, I think it is best. On the same token, I wouldn't rule out mental illness. Many times people blame personality problems on just that individual but don't take into account they have a brain which may be struggling with an ailment. I am no psychologist, but it definitely sounds like she does have a personality or mood type disorder. Just keep that in mind while dealing with her. You can;t force her to get help but you know she probably needs some. The good thing is that people like that eventually show their true colors. It took my friend three years of conflict, dispute, pain, sorrow, and massive amounts of effort, but eventually the outside world saw this woman for the manipulative, controlling, mean-spirited, liar she was. And as mytwistedworld mentioned, you should pity her, not stay angry. It is a flaw that is hers, not yours. Try to remember that when dealing with her and to try and keep a level head. You don't want her feelings mixing with yours and you dont deserve that. I hope you can weather this storm but you sound determined and can make it happen. Her ways will come into the light,

  • Thanks UH, when I have disagreed with her before she makes a huge scene.She has even attempted to show up at my work to harass me on occasion, or call my work and bad mouthed me to my boss. She acts like a spoiled child when she doesn't get her way, and there is no reasoning with her.She reminds me exactly of Vorutka from willie wonka who through a fit when she couldn't get the goose that laid a golden egg thats her personality all the time.I guess treating her like she is special, gives me the "I'm the adult" advantage that I never had even as an adult, I hope everything is well with your friend because it isn't easy, and I wish her luck.

  • Sometimes you have to kill people with kindness. I hope you have someone who can support you through this time too, help you talk your feelings out. Plus, it seems like now you are the adult and she is stuck in this rut.That's funny about Willy Wonka cause that's all I can picture now lol. And thanks about my friend, she is doing pretty going and so her is daughter.

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