Right back to where I was three weeks ago

  • Hello? He is having sex with another woman. Do you want him back? He has dipped his thing in another woman. Yuck! Enjoy the damaged goods if he wants you back. Get realistic about things. Do you really want to marry this guy if he comes begging for mercy? For how long time has he been with his ex again now? Weeks? Months? And probably been doing it with his new and old girlfriend several times since he broke up with you. Several times a week, and then you hope he comes back to do it with you again. So he has given himself to another woman, whom he was married to, and now you hope he will come crawling back to you? What kind of man do you really want in your life? A man who shares himself with other women when he really is "in love" with you? Respect your self a bit more. Move on.

    Good we are in a forum, or else you would probably smack me. No, I am just in a mood for putting things in perspective. Perhaps this angle would shake things up in you. Remember to respect your self in this situation. Not everything is about "understanding" and respecting this man of yours - ex man. This is really about this: Know that you are worth much more than what this guy has done to you. Dont understand him to death. Do you think he will respect you if he comes back to you and you just wag your tale ready for being his woman again? Wow, you really must have high thoughts about him. A guy does what a guy wants to do. Remember he will not expect you to crawl for him or beg him to take you back. If you do that, then he knows he can just play with you. Like a toy.

    I feel he does care about you, that is not what I am saying. But his mistake is not a mistake that you must pay for. It is like you are punishing yourself for his mistake. At least you are suffering from his mistake.

    This guy is not sure what he wants. Respect your self a bit more, please.

  • May I ask why do you think she does not respect herself? She is in love with a guy, who decided that he does not want to pursue their relationship. Things are not that easy, you cannot just throw someone out of your heart. I have to laugh, because men have sex with other women before you got involved, unless of course they are virgins, and will have sex with women after your relationship, that is of course unless he dies while your with him, or you get married and he is faithful. That statement right there is beyond me.

    Just because she is hurt behind this, does not mean she has no respect for herself. I just thought your statement was a bit much, and things are not always black and white. She never said she would go back to him, she only is trying to find clarity.

    I have to agree with Dalia, about lessons to be learned. We go through things so that we can learn, and I always believe that the choices we make after going through something like this, is detrimental to our growth as humans. Every relationship, either platonic or love we can learn something from it. We as humans find it easy to judge others, but when the shoe is on the other foot, we seem to forget the judgments.

    She is not begging for him to come back to her, she is trying to find the meaning behind the madness.

  • Well, there is no meaning. The man is easy to get. Two women want the same man, and he are with both of them on turn. Because he does not know who he really wants. It is easy. He is just a man who is easy to become emotional with. He is soft for what women can give him. He likes the attention and is not sure from who he really likes to get it from the most. It just means that he is weak for women and those feelings in general. He does not make mistakes on purpose, he is just easily led by womens emotions for him. Like this:Oh, she really loves me, I an supposed to be with her. Then another one: Oh, she really loves me, I am supposed to be with her.

    He just has a lot of emotions and does not know who to share them with. He just loves those feelings. He thinks they are more important than they really are. But they are just feelings. It really is a bit more black and white than all that "understand the guy" theme you are on about.

  • Hi,

    Hangedwoman what you said was a little harsh. In my opinion what I feel does not make me weak. You describe me as if I am some spineless woman crawling on my hands and knees begging him to take me back. That is not the case. I LOVED HIM. Unfortunately unlike some people I cannot turn it off in just three weeks.

    What you say about him might be true but that doesnt take away from the pain I feel in my heart. If you can be in a relationship with someone and then in just a couple of weeks go on as if the relationship never existed I applaud you, but unfortunately I do not have that talent. Like I said it isn't a matter of whether or not he loved me because obviously if he went back to his ex he loved her more. I don't expect to ever be with him again. Nor would I want to because the trust is not there. As for him sending my things he did exactly what I asked. I asked for it and I was expecting them but it hurt anyway.

    As for him sleeping with her that really isn't the issue because I do not own him. He slept with her before as well as other women. I loved him with everything that I am and it will take me awhile to get over this and I am not ashamed to admit that. This relationship is a lesson learned and I am trying to make sense of the lesson. If I took this for what it looks like on the surface I would only learn men are crap and they suck. That is not what I want to learn here.

    I have do not doubt he loved me that isn't why I had readings. Some of the things he did for me a man would never do unless he loved you. Sometimes when you are in a situation you can have tunnel vision. The insight of someone else is very helpful.

  • I dont think he loves her more than you. I just think he wants to try her again since he kind of owes it to her. Since she was married to him and she wants to try again. I think it is more that he feels an obligation to try her again. Because she wanted to. I dont think he cares more about her than about you. And I dont think he is a bad man at all. But he should not be so unsure, because it is sabotaging the trust that any of you two women can have for him. I dont think that woman is so happy about his relationship with you. I think she might be afraid to lose him back to you again. And feeling that she can not trust him like before. So then it is as if he has sabotaged his relationships with both of you. That is what I think will happen.

    But I just want you to see the picture a bit without all the colours. It might be easier for you to let go of the suffering then. Although I understand it takes time. I am sure he truly cared about you.

    As I said, I think it is more because of feeling of responsability than anything else. I think that is the reason for his choice. And that he will regret when he sees that his wife no longer trusts him anyway. He made a big mistake getting back with her. And a big mistake choosing to leave you for her. But does it help you to hear that? No. Take the medicine. See it a bit more black and white. And let go.

    I meant to motivate you with a black and white perspective, instead of incouraging you to stay in the status quo. Good to see that you have feelings and are not cold as ice 😉 Nor am I.

  • Thank you. It actually doesnt make me feel any better I know getting back with her was a mistake just as I am sure he knows it to. I am sure I will be better in a couple of weeks and I don't know why I let this bother me so much because since we split there have been tons of men interested but who knows what will happen. I consider yesterday just a minor set back. I am taking a short vacation for some fun and sun in a couple of weeks hopefully I will be back to my old self my then.

  • Good girl.

    It is said that it takes only a short time to distroy an innocent soul, but years and lifetimes for the soul to completely heal. So naturally you are contemplating about the past, since it is still a part of your feelings, your body and your soul. So relax about the hard words I gave you. There is not anything that can be more natural than trying to figure things out and seeking to be healed from wounds of the past. Wish you the best in your future love life.

    Hanged Woman

  • junglebunny2,

    I have been EXACTLY where you are and I can tell you from experince that no amount of understanding will ever help you heal and get over this huge loss. It's been 16years since I have seen or spoken to this man and to this day he is still in my thoughts everyday. But, I have it in perspective now. We were so in "love" and MARRIED. As far as I knew we were still really good together, we were still having dinner at home every night and playing on the weekends together and then on Superbowl Sunday in 1993 he walked up to me out of the blue and said, "I am not happy", this was after 3 years of marriage. I replied, "Join the rest of the world no one is happy all the time". With that last remark I made I knew he was gone mentally and physically. Jungle we were still initimate with eachother almost every night. This came out of no where. The Wednesday after Superbowl Sunday I could not take it anymore he had stopped coming right home after work and just disconnected himself from me. Finally, that day I told him to pack up his things and get out (we had just moved into our new dream home 2 and 1/2 months earlier). I thought I would go to work and when I came home he would be there waiting to work things out. Much to my surprise I got home from work and he was gone. I was devastated, I could not beleive it. I immediately tried to call his cell phone but he had it turned off! I fell to my kitched floor in pieces. I could not get up, I was on the floor for at least 30 minutes before I called someone to help me get through the night. As each day passed I became more angry. However, I had decided to stick to my guns and not go chase after him.

    Then one night (about 4 or 5 after he left) I could not sleep and decided to call him and try to talk things through because I was still not sure what had happened and why he ever left. This man and I did absolutely everything together for the last 7 years, I could not figure out where the relationship went wrong. So I picked up the phone at 2:00 am and beleive it or not he answered. He asked me, "Where have you been I have been trying to call you all night?" I responded, "I have been home all night. You were calling my cell or the house phone?" and that's when it happened, I asked, "Who do you think you're talking to? Oh, my God you are seeing another woman." I was completely broken as he started yelling at me" (He had never raised his voice or made a negative comment to me in the whole 7 years we shared), he was saying, "Why are you calling me so late? I told you I needed space" he went on and on and on as I just sobbed into the phone. When he was finally done yelling at me I pulled myself together and said, "I am calling you so late because I am your wife and I miss and love you. I am the one wearing a one carot marque wedding band on my left hand. The question here is why are you up at 2:00 in the morning waiting for another woman to call you?" That was the end of the conversation and the marriage. He would not or could not tell me what went wrong, to this day my only undertanding of his leaving the marriage is that I was a very focused driven business woman and he was not money motivated and wanted to get back to the basics and stop living for nice houses and cars, etc. I now know that is a bunch of BS. He just did not want to have to do the work that it would take in our marriage to save it. It was easier for a coward like him to just leave and start over with someone else, (I am not comparing our split to your's), but I was left with the same feelings you are dealing with now. It's been 16 years and although I have moved on and am married to the most wondeful man in the world, that old split still plagues me. Everyday I think about him and how it all fell apart. After he left I retreated from life for a long time, it had to have been at least 5 years before I felt like I was finally getting past my despair.

    There is one thing I want everyone on this forum to know. When you have something as catasrophic as this waltz into your life and have the life pulled out of you for no apparent reason, it takes a very long time to be able to chalk it up to experience. I am a Gemini one of the most independent signs, and even I found it hard to accept that things were really over. One last thing, when I said earlier that we did absolutely everything together, I mean everything. If I had a nail appointment he came. If he had an appointment on the weekend I went with him. We even showered together every morning for 5 solid years. When we lose people that we are so sure we would spend the rest of our lives with and it happens overnight, even Gemini's fall apart for a little while. How did it end up for me? I cried for 5 solid years in a row, I dated and began living again, but, this man will never be completely gone from my heart. It's the unkown that he has left you with that hurts the most.

    Advise: There truly is none. Cope as best you can, and ask God to lift this pain from you as soon as you have learned all there is to learn from this devestating break-up. Sometimes pain is necessary in order to move on to learning to be a better person in the world. His leaving me taught me so much and although it took a long time, today I am better and happier than I have ever been.

    Hope this helps you...

  • Hi, Junglebunny, you loved from the heart. You know, you did the right thing. There are three ways to love as I see it. From the heart--the way God wants you to, from the soul--with your power, possessions, talents etc. (good but still not from the heart,) or from the mind. Actually, all three in combination are good. To love from the heart is a commitment and a covenant. God calls us to Love from the heart. You hate what he did. You probably don't hate him. Try and forgive what he did. I agree w/Hanged Woman in the sense that he may very well be on an unstable foundation. Meaning he may be loose with his emotions sexually and otherwise. I don't think he would have told you about that. I would let their drama be their drama. I think he is living one.

  • Thank you everyone . Its weird but I don'tt hink he was dishonest with me. He saw her saturday night and told me about it Sunday. I do think he wasn't honest about missing her. I don'tt hink he ever cheated on me. Forgiveness is something I am working on, I havent gotten to that point yet but I am working towards it. I miss him so much though.

  • Also, from reading the other posts and my own experiences I don't understand why a person can completely shut-off when they meet another woman. It's totally insane. I know one thing for sure--it's something that you want to stay far away from when you finally realize how far it is from Love. It's hard to explain but spiritually your being cautioned to stay away. Not by these posts. Your probably have a "vacated" feeling and a certain presence. I have felt that. It's too hard for me to explain.

  • Thank you everyone . Its weird but I don'tt hink he was dishonest with me. He saw her saturday night and told me about it Sunday. I do think he wasn't honest about missing her. I don'tt hink he ever cheated on me. Forgiveness is something I am working on, I havent gotten to that point yet but I am working towards it. I miss him so much though. Sometimes I just want the satisfaction of hearing him say the words an ex boyfriend saio to me last night "leaving you was the biggest mistake I ever made and I have to live with it and think about it everyday for the rest of my life" once I can have that I will be content

  • Hey Jungle Bunny, I'm back around go back to my daughter's topic ok.? thankx, beegee

  • Junglebunny, you really need to take a step back and realize what your waiting for, if you're waiting for him to tell you leaving you was the biggest mistake I ever made, it translates into leaving you was the biggest mistake I ever made, please take me back. Really, think about it, you are both single and there is nothing to stop you from giving it another chance, only, however, if you both want it. Jungle, please take my advise, stop waiting for anything from him. He's is telling you what you want to hear, either to not hurt you anymore or because he want's to keep you hanging just in case he decides not going back to you was a mistake. I know you think that that is what you want, but, beleive me, this man will keep you on a roller coaster ride that is out of control until he's all done using you up and has no use for you left. I know you beleive that he never cheated on you and that's fine, cheating does not always involve taking your clothes off with someone, cheating is also finding comfort with another women instead of with you, think about it, him alone with someone else crying the blues about you or your relationship when he should be with you working it out with you.

    I am only going to add one more comment and then I will stop. Do you really want to risk the fact that this man has behaved badly now and hurt you so much that your wound will take a very long time to heal. Would you really risk your own grace, pride, and dignity. I sure wouldn't I am worth more than that and there are too many other people in the world who want love the way you do. Let his baggage go and go find yourself someone who deserves you.

    I hope this helps

  • Everyone looks at things from a different perspective. I never said I would sit and wait for him. But I do love him and if one day we feel like working things out and that is what my heart tells me to do I will. That doesn't mean I think less of myself or I have low self esteem because I do not. I don't look at relationships in terms of someone being my soulmate and the man that I want to spend forever with. What I have said from the beginning is that my ex is where I want to be right now. I am not saying I will want that ten years down the road or even in two months.

    I have taken a step back and I have thought this through. Things happen and I am not making excuses for him he and his ex had a lot of history and I would rather him go back to her resolve it and come back than to be with me and always wonder and leave a piece of his heart in the past with her. He can go back figure it out and if and when he does come back he comes back without the ghost of her and if at that time I am of the mind to work it out then I will give it a try but my life is not on hold until he figures it out. I am 25 and an aries I dont think I will be sitting around waiting for anything

  • JB, love your answer. Too cute! You go girl!

  • I remember you saying in a previous post that he was still married. Just curious...does he have children?

  • Thank you 🙂

  • manifest dreams,

    he and his ex do not have any children

  • That's good. At least there are no kids to be disappointed if it doesn't work out for them again.

    I don't think that there has to be some deep spiritual lesson for you to learn from this experience. It is probably as simple as, in the future avoid getting involved with someone that's going through a divorce or recently divorced. It's probably more common than not that they end up giving it another shot. I think you figured it out by the sound of your previous post. You definitely don't want to go forward with a relationship with someone that might still have one foot in the past. If in the future he wants you back, and you are still available, you can then decide if he's worth the trouble. I suspect you will have moved on by then, and he'll be forever banished to the land of just friends.

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