Not Sure Anymore-real relathionships

  • I always seem to attract men whom want me in the beginning and then they get into this comfortable mode and slack off on what my needs are, but I still attend to theirs. I have alot of relationship experience @39. But I have had only met 1 man that know actully loved me, however he passed. But, I did manage to keep a part of him with me all these years a blessing.

    I often have dreams that he is still alive and it has been 5 years since his death. In the short time we were together, for the first time I experienced what a real relationship was all about, are there still guys out there that know what a real relationship requires? Let me know.

  • Sweetsage,

    I think what you are describing is just the nature of the beast. Men are designed to work for it. That's why they are larger, to battle for our affections. However, their only going to work as hard as necessary. If you're meeting all their needs without continued effort on their part why wouldn't they slack off? No, there are not guys out there that know what a real relationship requires. It's up to you to let them know what is required to be in a relationship with you. When they do something right praise them, let them know how much you appreciate it. That will make them feel good about themselves and they will want to do more. Unfortunately, they usually have a hard time understanding what we want so make it clear. They tend to get frustrated and give up when things are too ambiguous. Don't set unreasonable expectations. Trying to compete with a guy that has passed is all but impossible. People tend to romanticize the one they can't have, whatever the reason may be. I'm sorry for your loss but you need someone in the here and now. Use that feeling of love you felt from him as proof that you are worth the effort, but don't compare your new loves to him. Remember you don't owe a guy unconditional love, that's what their mothers are for. You're not their mother, you're the one they worked to get and will work to keep. Good luck to you. I hope your next relationship meets your needs.

  • I agree with Manifest. Except that I do think there are a very few guys out there, that know what is required but, very few. When I got married, my husband slacked off. I asked him why, he said "He did what he did to get me." My reply was "You need to keep doing what you did to keep me" He had quit his jobs for no reason and whined about everything I did, including my cooking, to his mom. She was on my side, bless her heart! We were young. The marriage only lasted 9 months.

    I'm 45 now and, I've just found a guy that gives, is thankful for what I do as well as I am for what he does. He did slack off there a bit but, it was mainly because of business. I did bring it up and he's corrected the issue. I had dated a lot too and asked that same question. I had to change the type of guys that I dated in order to change the behavior.

  • My fiance who is a Pisces's and I a cancer have been together 2 years and he all of the sudden out of the blue came home with a uhaul one day and said he was moving back home 70 miles away but still wanted to stay together and be engaged but even though this has been about a month now he has only called me 3 times and I have not seen him at all or even been with him at all. What I want to know is if you can see what the **** is going on and should I leave him. and yes I do love him and it is killing me and his excuse was he needed to be near his kids. Is this true?

  • I want to thank you, sorry it took so long. In each relationship I've ever had, with the one exception, I let them know up front what I am about what I will do while I'm in a relatioship w/someone and the things I won't tolerate, like lying,drugs,stealing,verbal abuse,physical abuse, or abusing my children. Some men get intimaded by this but remain in a relationship with me or not. I don't think I am asking to much, considering I don't believe anyone would tolerate these kind of behaviors. It is hard for any man to get into a step parenting role, and if they don't know what their doing, then don't even bother, some claim their strong enough, but then give up because they don't know what there doing. I was with my son's father, at first when we were courting he did not show any signs of smoking pot 24/7 and did not show his childish , spoiled ways, untill after I got pregneat. We were happy and things were going great, then all the sudden bam! I found out these things he was doing behind my back, into ponography, smoking pot all day long and then began his tantrums if he didn't get what he wanted. No he did not know what a relationshiop was about at all. He had a mother and father that gave him what ever he wanted. Myself being on my own since I was 13 yrs young had worked for everything I ever had and still do today. I left him, it took me leaving him to realize what he had actually lost. We fought over our son for a couple of years, but something changed all of the sudden. He began to realize what he was doing and why our relationship failed. Today we are the best of friends, we talk every night. and know it didn't work while we were together, but apart we have grown to know each other over a 20 year period time. He has asked me to come back on several occasions, but I can't and wont. I explained to him he had his chance and he lost it. We have a very strong friendly relationship today. I have come to the realization we are better off friends. I too told him in the beginning the same things I have told in all my relationsships, but it just did'nt work out. I have been alone with my kids and they are my pride and joy. I have made a decision, I take care of them first, if later down the road someone comes along after my kids are grown, then maybe I can find someone that has the same values as myself. But thank you for you kind words.

    Sweet Sag-

  • I just want you to know he has made a decision to take care of his kids first it seems like, you should commend him for this, he i stepping up to the plate of his responsibility. However, the way he went about it was totally wrong, he should have sat down and talked to you about this. He should have given you an explaination or something, but just showing up in a uhaul that was chicken ****. I say if he does not call or make any attempt to contact you he has already severed his ties. Sometimes you let something free and if it comes back to you it is your to keep. Sometimes we just need to let go and move on. I know you love him, but from what you say about him moving closer to his kids and if he's not contating you, just let go. Move forward and don't look back.

  • Thank you for you imput!!!!! I am a person that praises all persons for what they do. I never put anyone down. I try to mske sure I see what good in a person and focus on that, I don't consider or even bring up the things that are wrong. I do not like negativy at all. To me it's a waste of communication and just hurts a relationship even more. I am a very religious woman, if I see something that is unethical and turn it into a positive. The better off the relationship, but if the other does not even recoginize praise for good, what else can I do?

  • I can feel your frustration. You should probably take a long time, getting to know someone very well, before letting them get so close to you and your children. Maybe you should take some time getting to know yourself and trying to figure out why you seem to take on a martyr role. Try some affirmations...I attract mature, responsible people to my life - My life is in perfect balance - Relationships are fun and easy - I can instantly recognize the true person behind any facade -I open myself to healthy, well adjusted people.

    Wishing you all the best.

  • Thanks Manifest-

    I have come to the conclusion that God has put certain people in my life as though it was a test and I have decided right now to take care of my children first and me last. I really don't need a man, I would like a loving man in my life, but they are so hard to find. I need someone strong enough to be with me. Someone that shares the same values and morals as myself. But for now my children come first. I have some pretty great friends and they keep me going. I have always been a giver, non judgemental and fair. I'm sure sometime in the future there maybe someone for me. The last man I was with, I knew for 5 years and I never thought our relationship would turn out the way it did, it was like going through Hell. He was a pretender, and once he revealed his true colors it was a nightmare. How could I have known, 5 years!!!!!

    I can get to know someone, and take my time, but the cover on the book doesn't reveal what's inside untill you read it. I think I just have to look beyond the cover from now on.


    Sweet Sag-

  • I had a very stressful past year 1/2, however, I have made some big changes. I am not ready to take on a relationship w/anyone right now, with exception of my kids. I quit both of my jobs and have decided to stay w/healthy & important people that give me inspiration and the ones who are healthy individuals. I had some letting go problems w/some of the people I know that, I just had to let go, they were making me sick emotionally, spritually and mentally. These unhealthy individuals were holding me back, tying me down & supressing me. I have always in my entire life tried to help those that wanted to change for the better. Their words meant nothing, there true ill intentions soon manifested over a period of time with their actions. I will no longer allow pestilence to invade my, nor my children's lives any longer. I have worked very hard all my life giving 100% loyalty to my jobs that I had and my family life. It is clear to me know that I cannot help others that do not want to help themselves and have to ability to do so without my help. I have been treated like a door mat all my life and I have tired of those who wipe their feet on me.

    I have so many other companions and friends that lift me up and that's what's important to me now. Thank You everyone who helped me to realize my true potential.

  • I wanted to let you know, those that flee usually have something to hide or cruel intentions. If I were in your position I would just let it go and move on. When one door closes another one opens. It is not you, it is him...

Log in to reply