Are you in love with a fantasy?



  • Are you in love with a real person or just with the fantasy of the perfect lover? If someone is treating you badly yet you stay with them, you may be in love with a dream, deeply sunk in a childhood fantasy that your partner really is the most perfect match for you. You might be fooling yourself. This often happens when you jump into a relationship without first becoming friends, and taking the time to really get to know one another before deciding whether or not to take it to a more intimate level. You fall in love with the heady romance of it all rather than the actual person. And it might be some time before you wake up.

    If your partner treats you badly, uses and abuses you, that is not how someone who really loves you behaves - this is not your dream lover. That is the illusion of the perfect match that we all dream of. Take a good look at your partner and decide if he or she is the person you are in love with, or if they are only the image of a perfect mate. Are you in love with being in love? Time and time again, I read posts here that say "He's THE ONE!" or "She's my soulmate!" and then they go on to say that their partner abuses them or cheats on them. They remain with them in the hopes they will eventually turn into some sort of miraculously changed partner. But it doesn't happen and the abuse continues.

    Take a good long objective look at the person you are with. Make a note of all their faults so that you understand how very human they are, and not some god who is so much better than you. Of course, everyone has faults but some are really cruel epople who don't deserve your love. Is it really your partner you are really in love with or just the dream that we are sold in movies and romance books? I'm not saying the right person for you doesn't exist but you may be missing out on meeting them because you are blinded by fantasy to the wrong person. It takes courage to admit you made a mistake but oh, the relief at being free to find the real Mr. or Ms. Right!



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  • It's very hard to 'read' a new person because of course everyone is always on their best behaviour at first. I would advise everyone to wait and see how your prospective mate behaves in a stressful situation or crisis before making up your mind whether you want to be with them. People's true natures tend to come out in tense situations. You certainly can't know someone until you meet them in the flesh - on the internet, anyone can pretend to be someone totally different.



  • Captain, thank you for sharing some truths, a breath of fresh air! It is sad when someone clings to a fantasy for to long, or cannot let go and learn from the experiance, I wish their was a way that they could know that love is a great feeling, but if its not there,being free is pretty nice too!



  • Great topic! I have seen over and over the same thing myself. I have been guilty of holding on too long to a bad relationship. I have also been guilty of dwelling on the past and trying to figure out "what went wrong." Luckily due to another thread you had, I've realized that when a relationship ends, if I try to block myself from being hurt again, I block myself from love which is what I really want. So...this time around being single...I'm not clinging to the past, but opening my heart to any of possibility of love. I certainly has made me much happier to operate this way rather than the old way of holding on and wishing...hoping for a different outcome. :0)



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  • I think you are absolutely right. i myself have been in love with a fantasy... or as you put it an illusion of a perfect soul mate. most people have trouble letting go of their past loves because of too many memories of how their love life used to be. My views on this subject is that things that are to painful to remember we simply choose to forget.... We then replace them with happy thoughts and dreams and put our all into making them come true....



  • Doesn't pain coming from viewing something as a negative experience rather than seeing the positive? If something is still painful to you, the perspective of distance might allow you to go back and see it with new eyes for the positive learning experience it really was. You never really forget any pain and it can subtly affect your future relationships and life until you deal with it.



  • I found thru recent experience that letting go of the ego is the key to looking at the past with positive rather than negative. I'm learning that listening to my spirit and getting my ego out of it helps me view the past much easier than I used to. It's still a learning process as my ego is very strong and it has been very prominent in my life but getting it out of the way has been a real key to looking forward to the future and realizing that I had to go thru those lessons to get to where I am today. And...I wouldn't trade the pain if it meant that I wouldn't be where I am today.



  • Bump!

    I love what I read here!



  • "It's very hard to 'read' a new person because of course everyone is always on their best behaviour at first. I would advise everyone to wait and see how your prospective mate behaves in a stressful situation or crisis before making up your mind whether you want to be with them. People's true natures tend to come out in tense situations. You certainly can't know someone until you meet them in the flesh - on the internet, anyone can pretend to be someone totally different "

    And even when you meet them in the flesh take your time...better a slow dance and going totally head in first thenafter regretting you didn't take the time for you and for that other person.



  • As we are often told but rarely heed, be friends first, then lovers if you still want to be.



  • This is so true. Another thing that I would point out is that you usually don't just get the

    object of your desire in the package - you get their family and friends too. If their family and friends ignore the person's pitfalls, its all that much easier for them to "brainwash" you into thinking that you are crazy when they don't treat you right. A common scenario is where the

    "golden boy" of a family - maybe the one who has the most education, best job, etc. is a closet alcoholic and the family "knows" it but denies it. This closet alcoholic subtley abuses his spouse by ignoring her, making her do more than her share of housework, controlling her friends. Only taking her to functions involving his own family or close friends because he is afriad that his "secret" will get out. If they do go to a function with another group of people and his wife even hints that he has had too much to drink, implying that he drinks too much. He will never go to that groups functions again. He may do things to her psychologically which don't leave bruises. But if she points them out to him, or goes to the family for help, they don't "believe her" and call her crazy She may get to the point of screaming because he becomes passive/agressive and never does for her what he says he will. He ruins her chances of making friends in the community because he tells other people that SHE has problems and that SHE is crazy. The longer you are with someone as a friend and get to know their family and friends the greater chances are that you may find out some things that are not quite right. The key is, I guess, as happens in most cases, is that once you find out, you have to detach yourself from that person and realize that it is not YOU who is the problem but them.

    That can be almost impossible for someone with low self esteem to do in the first place, and difficult for many with intact egos. But once you get with a person like this, your self esteem can be worn away even more, making it more difficult to extract yourself from the situation.

    Wow - I think I just talked myself out of wanting to go out with anyone without my own personal detective in tow. 🙂



  • Captain

    Thanx for sharing this, This information is so true!

    being in love with love

    Im just now able to come to terms with my relationship

    past hurts, I never become effected on the exterior

    i would say thats when things seem better for me,

    I shop more, i seem more happy and just act as if it never

    happend by putting it in the back of my mind, notice ive

    nevere asked for any love advice, because i know i cant

    face the truth of a past hurt & none will ever understand it I Live and Learn

    now i learned you have to face these things or they will just build up.

    and continue to affect your future choices and outlook on life.



  • Amen Turtledust! I've lived with that personality and family situation you describe and it's very tricky. Over the course of time it pervades you and you don't even realize how altered you've become because it's so subtle, and all the while your perspective is colored by the fact that you love your partner (or at least the good part). Takes some time to figure out they really don't love you, or anyone else for that matter. But the damage it can do to your self-esteem is incredible. I sought counseling trying to figure out what to do and in the first session the psychologist said, "is there NO way you can leave him right away?" She saw that I didn't even recognize how affected my self-esteem had become. I've always had a lot of confidence in myself; very open, honest, self-sufficient, confident - here I was thinking I was going to try to help fix the relationship. But in 16 years I couldnt' see what she saw in an hour - I wasn't the one who really needed fixing. I just needed to wake up. Mind you none of this is any easier when you're married with children. You try, try, try to save the dream. It's great to keep the dream, but like the Captain says, some things are simply illusions. I couldn't live the lie any more and we divorced. And, no surprise Turtledust, his family did and still does, think I'm crazy. Lol.



  • Flowsco

    Its so true! you may never really know a person

    till you see them in a tense situation and they PANIC

    thats the key to relationship i believe a person that panics

    obviously has something to fear or hide lol, its hard to be

    humble in those kind of situations at times but its a good

    quality to have.