Can anyone HELP me please?

  • I would love a relationship reading. I am not sure what to do. My relationship has been seeing some rough waves lately. I had one done and we are suppose to be near perfect for one another. Lately he has been on this tantrum about some things that he feels I supposedly have done. When I think of telling him what he wants to hear, my virgoian gut ties up in knots. I dont want to loose him, of course, but I am a littl tired. I want what we had back! My question is once I tell him the truth is he going to run? Or is this just his way out anyway? My bday is 9/7/72 his is 10/17/62.. Can someone please tell me what they see?

  • I see that every relationship has changes, ups and downs. Mercury is in retrograde so communicationis going to be crossed. Look it up on the net about what it does to communication, personal and techinical.

  • Dear nciteful,

    I can certainly understand where you are coming from with this question. Do not allow him to put his pebbles into your shoes.

    Tell him whatever truths you believe he should know and then drop the subject. Your personal life is yours. Since he is not your husband, he has no right to know your every move. Besides, when did he make a commitment to you, pray tell? And when does your life become YOUR life?

    Demand that he respect your privacy and allow him to realize you are not answerable to him.

  • If you dont want to tell him, dont tell him. It is your choice solely.

    Ask him these questions:

    Dont you trust me?

    Dont you respect me?

    This is actually what men all the time go on and on about themselves.

    If you dont want to ask him these questions as if you are in an arguement, rather say:

    Do you trust me? If he says no, then tell him that it hurts your feelings. If he says yes, then say that then he should stop questioning who you are or your motives. Confirm to him that you are trustworthy. Like this: "I want you to trust me, because you can trust me."

    Do you respect me? If he says yes, then tell him that he then should stop talking about mistakes that he thinks you have made. If he says no, because of this conflict, then say that he really should respect you.

    But what you are really asking for, is for a clairvoiant to tell you what she sees. You want to know if the relationship will end if you tell the truth. I am sorry that I can not do that.

    What have you done? Have you been unfaithful to him? Have you violated his trust in some way?

    If you have been with another man, then most men would not accept to continue the relationship. That is just my general view. But if you have been with another man, then you should really perhaps even not be in a relationship with your boyfriend anylonger.

    So I guess that there must be something less bad that you have done to him?

  • Thanks a lot for the heads-up sealaskalady. I looked it up, and all I can gather is that things are going to continue to be strained. I was hoping that once what I am going through as a Virgo cleared up, that maybe things would be better, but things are going to get bad as well for him, being a Libra, just as mine ends. I don’t think our relationship is strong enough to get through all of these times.

  • Firefly01, that is a conflict as well. The subject came up about when our relationship started, and I did not know. I said July, and he says May. Well, because he felt like I did not know he accused me of not thinking of him as much because I can remember things about other guys, and past relationships, but not about us. It is all a long story. He knew me when I was dating someone else, and he witnessed my interactions with them, and he feels that I am treating him worse.

    Anyway, I did speak to him about the question and I answered it. As I suspected he came up with more to throw back up in my face. I am not sure if all of this really bothers him, or if he is looking for a way out.

  • Hello TheHangedWoman,

    Thank you for taking time out to spread your insight on my situation. As I read your post, I thought to myself, he and I are just done deal…. I need to just let go. If it is meant for us to be together then he may come back around, but I know my personality and I might not accept him. So, I am fighting with all I have to save it now, to see if we can work it out and move on. I know that he does not trust me, but I do feel that I had the opportunity to show him that he could, and I did not do it. I took it for granted, because everything felt so good at the time, and I did not nurture that relationship properly. To add a little more to it, I did meet him online, so he had a few hang ups about me continuing to be online, because that is where I met him, while I was dating someone else. At the time, I was dating a guy in the military, and I promised to support him while he was in Iraq. He and I were growing apart, but I wanted to still be faithful and support him. When I met my current boyfriend (which was a year and half ago), I told him about my ex in the military and I DID NOT have a physical relationship with my current boyfriend at all, until I gained closure with my ex in the military. Actually my ex and I broke it off while he was away. I told my current boyfriend that I was ready for the two of us to see where we could go and he disappeared and I heard nothing from him for a few weeks. Well during that time, my ex in the military called to say that he was going to be coming home, and wanted to see me, and I agreed. My current boyfriend called just before I left, and I was honest with him about where I was going because I had not heard from him. Once my current boyfriend and I began to date I had nothing else to do with my ex form the military. Just the thought of how things transpired is what is causing us grief. The fact that my current boyfriend is 10 years older and I appear 20 years younger than him does not help either. He feels that he has to isolate me, because I don’t know how to act around other males. Which is not true at all. I have not been with another man. I deleted most of my online profiles, but one and that one caused us the issues. My birthday just recently passed and a few of my male acquaintances told me happy birthday on my page, and I responded. Well he saw it, and the response that I wrote, and then all of this started again. He is not taking any time to think of whom I have been in the few months that we have been together. All he can think of is me doing him, how he felt I did the other guy. He also states, that once I was done with my ex, that I should have been just that, “done”. He feels that I placed him on hold. He has a huge ego, and I think he is use to being in control, and having women whenever and however. He keeps reminding me that he does not get done like that.

    I am not a cheating woman. Dealing with two men at once physically is disgusting to me. I was trying to do the right thing, and not leave once person for the other, because we all know about the grass being greener. I strongly believe in reaping what you sow. It all still seems to have back fired on me. I felt I was doing the right thing by honoring my word to my ex in the military, and not dragging old feelings into my new relationship, but he can’t seem to appreciate that. While I can understand how he feels, I guess I want him to move away from it. He has done things, but I can’t prove them. So, I don’t allow them to affect me. I would like for us to move on from this, but I don’t think we will. I am trying to stay as positive as I can, and speak positive words because I know that our word are powerful, but I may just have to face the music. Simply because none of it may have to do with me. And yes, I did want a clairvoyant to tell me what they saw. I am so tired of failed relationships, and I explained that to him. I don’t get in them for them not to last or just for something to do. I am very picky in my choosing, and once I make my mind up, then I want it to last.

    Thanks again for your post. I feel a little better, just being able to express myself.

  • Hello Nciteful: What you need to look at is your Requirements for the relationship, for yourself and for your partner. What are the "shoulds, got tos, have tos, musts" you are requiring of yourself, your partner and the relationship. It is NOT what that other person is doing or not doing, it is the fact that he/she is NOT meeting your requirement of what YOU perceive as the "perfect" relationship as you have been told in a reading. Readings are not written in concrete, they are only LOOSE guidelines--tendencies, choices-- Why, because as many people there as are on this planet--there are choices and each individual is so very different and makes different choices. Despite a reading that states you are perfect for each other, there is something missing because people change their perceptions and minds in a quantum second and as the individual changes his/her mind, so the quantum changes. Lets use common sense, here--in fact use your own senses. Look at what you require of this relationship, yourself and your partner, Draw it out by placing his name in a circle on a piece of paper--then put your thoughts randomly around his name--like "John should respect me, I want John to pay attention to me, John is accusing me unjustly" etc. Then take note of how your body feels--(as you said your stomach gets tied up in knots)--with each thought you write down. When you get that emotional charge--that is a Requirement. Then listen to a background sound, concentrating on it until you feel in the present moment. Now go back and look at your thoughts--your requirements and ask yourself this one question--What is the likelihood that this will really happen? If the answer is that only a few will actually happen or none will happen--then it's time to give up those requirements that have made you miserable in the relationship. What you are thinking about the relationship, yourself and your partner is what it becomes. Change the way you think about the relationship, yourself and your partner and the relationship will also change.

  • Hi Nciteful:

    Im glad you liked my post.

    He will never stop having this problem about your past or relation with other men. He is trapped in fear to be a victim of having an unfaithful girlfriend. He then accuses you for something that you feel that you have not done. You are being punished for something that you have not done. He really fears that you will have sex or flirtations with a guy while he is your boyfriend.

    Let him go. If you continue this relationship, you might end up as the "guilty" one even when you are not. That is my opinion after myself having been with a notorious accusor. He had bad experiences before he met me, and therefore "flogged" me for no reason as long as the manic relationship lasted. In the end, he still believed I had done the things that I had been explaining all the time I had not done. He was telling stories about me that were really just from his imagination. It was like I was being punished for all the nasty things that other women had done to him in the past. He had a strong anxiety about experiencing that the history would repeat itself on him. But I just became like this: "Stop saying bad stuff about me that are not true!!" This statement almost became my whole personality the whole time I was with him! Then I realised that the reason I was because I intensively hated myself. I really did not love myself and that was why I was with this kind of twisted but oh so hot guy.

    I dont know if this is the case for you, but really, you should really respect yourself and love yourself and not be with a man who think that you are no good because of his own fear to be deceived.

  • EarthSea, thank you for posting. I actually was going to sit down and do what you suggested I do and I stuck my foot in my mouth before I could. You made some very valid points. He is requiring a lot of me, and nothing for himself. I think he is looking for someone that he can do as he pleases while he sits and watched. I think he knows that I am strong, but he needs me to follow a certain beat. Thus, him telling me all of these stories about all of his obedient ex girlfriends and some of the new classy women that he has met. So, all of your good thinking would go to waste trying to apply it to him, and his behavior. I will make sure that I keep it all handy for my next relationship.

  • Hello again TheHangedWoman,

    You are so right. Yes, he is twisted and hot! Last night I thought that things were finally getting clear and out in the open, and wham! He came at me from all kinds of angles. I could not believe some of the things he was saying. He referred to me as loose, easy, and almost anything else that he could muster up. I listened nicely to him from 9:30pm until about 3am in the morning. He had stories to tell about all of the other females that he dated and all of the things that they would drop to be with him, and still would. I listened to him tell me about women he met. He complained and complained. Said that he felt like he had been cheated. He went on to add how his feelings had changed for me, and how he could not continue to brag on me anymore, because I had done the worst thing that a woman could do to a man. He attacked every part of my personality that he could. I asked why, and he replied, “That I hurt him!”

    While I have explained to him many times before, that I love myself and that he cannot take anything away from me he appeared to get more and harsher with his words. I am not sure, but I feel that the women that he can get to do what he wants have low self esteem. I don’t, and I feel that he wants to get me in the same place as he has them. What he explains that he is use to in his relationships, is nothing like what we had.

    Now I am trying to figure out why I feel bad. I understand my worth, and as I said before my self esteem is not low at all. I never cheated on this guy. I did have other male friends, but I did not go anywhere with them. I just don’t understand this cycle with men that I seem to be in. I can say that I have learned so much from him. I know that he is so bad for me, so I am trying to refrain from calling him. Why when we know these things is it so hard to just do it?

  • I was with him to get for free what I was doing to myself all the time: To be punished. I punished myself all the time, and no one seemed to understand it. Finally there was a guy who gave me what I have hoped to get from a guy: hatred against me.

    This made me become so ruined by my own feeling of "guilt for no reason". It came through heritage and problems that came from my upbringing. I had chosen the road myself. I always thought they were simply dishonest, the nice guys. I thought they were not honest. I did not believe that I could be loved.

    I just got wat I was waiting for. What I had expected.

    The guy I was with, threatened me all the time about the punishment he would give to me if I did any of those imaginary things to him. I was innocent, therefore I did not leave him. I thought: I will not let anyone in the world believe this about me. I will not leave him before he understands that it is not true. It became an addiction. I was addicted to the violence because it reflected how I felt about myself and my life. I hated everything about myself. He was a perfect reflection of my hate towards myself. He helped me.

    Yes, he helped me. He opened my eyes. He distroyed me so that I would find myself. I let myself become completely distroyed by this person. So that I finally would end my life as I was leading it and start taking responsibility for my own self. It was a part of my healing and growth as human being. He confronted me with questions about who I really am.

    Am I good? Am I like this? Am I like that? Who am I? The way he treated me helped me understand, eventually, that I was a normal person.

    But he knew I was normal. Once he looked at me and said: "You are normal! You have been normal the whole time! You just believe that you are not! It is in your head!"

    He knew. He also said to me: "The problems that I am having, is because I have anxiety to be cheated. It is because of the past relationships that I have had. It is not about you."

    Through the whole relationship he broke up with me about 20 times - even though we were only together for 4 years. Every second month at the very least, he broke up with me. Sometimes it was three times the same month. Or several times the same day even.

    He often said do me: " I think we should not be together, because I am not good for you." Then I always said with hugs and kisses: "No, please, you are really perfect to me. I love being your girlfriend." That was because he gave me what I really wanted. I loved his violence. Perhaps I even smiled sometimes. So I could not help him. I was as bad as he was, but on the other end.

    So I suggest perhaps it is the guilt that makes you feel attracted to this guy. Even if you deny it. You perhaps like defending yourself against accusations? You like to improve yourself? You want to be better. You think you are not good enough?

    Probably you have a different answer than I have. I was fanatic about hating myself. You are probably not.

    I still stribe to be better. But I dont stribe to be good enough anynmore, or even normal. I am now at rest that I am good enough and normal. But I want to be perfect. So that noone can ever say anything bad about me. Not even a single small detail. I want to be perfect.

    When I die, I want to be perfect in my soul. Pure, clean, innocent. Perfect as God intended to when I was created.

    Now I am above normal. One day I will understand who I truly am. Then I will feel at bliss, relaxed and in peace with myself and with the world. And at peace with my highest self, that I might call God.

    It sounds crazy, I know. But it really is not.

    But I am not saying you have any of these feelings in you. I just explain my own reasons for being with this guy. It was a part of my road to understand who I am.

  • I have been sitting here reading your post over and over, and it sounds too familiar. I am trying to figure out my guilt. Almost everything that he said to you has been said to me. I do like proving all of his accusation to be wrong, and I have just sucked myself in more and more. I know that I can’t change him, but I can change myself. I listen to what he has to say, when I shouldn’t, because he has his own issues. I do like knowing how people view me, so I can make those things better about myself. I don’t hate myself. But I am a little disappointed in some of the choices that I have made.

    In his case, I do understand that no matter what I do at this point, will not matter. I feel it is a lost cause. Not because I can’t give him the things that he wants, but because he really does not want them in the first place. He has told me about all of these great relationships that he has had, but he is no longer in them. Go figure. He must be afraid of committing. Or his own insecurities are winning the battle within himself. He tells me all of the time that I do not take ownership of the things that I do. Due to my raising, I have not really had to. Not to use it as an excuse, but I am an only child and I was conditioned to certain things. I am just so confused by all of this. Happy that I have a place to express my thoughts and not feel judged. When you are going through things you feel that you are in it all alone. It helps to have someone to identify with. I know that he and I will not make it together. No matter how much faith I have. I really should be ashamed to even want to work it out. I can be by myself, but I am not ready to give up at the moment. Crazy huh?

  • Good that you understood my text.

    I did a testing about this when I finally had decided never to go back to him again. By testing I mean we asked some questions to God and received answers - everyone a different aspect of the same answer.

    We asked:

    Question: What is it that has made me choose to be with this guy?

    Answer, person 1: I feel a strong sorrow, and the sorrow is that I hate myself.

    Answer, person 2: I have a strong wish to give away the responsibility over my own life.

    What the others received I do not rememer. We were four or five doing the test (this is several years ago).

  • Hi there Nciteful

    I haven't read all the answers to your question here, but I have this to say to you:

    This relationship IS strong enough to withstand what you are going through. He's a Libra and you're a Virgo, is that right? Look, both signs are known for insecurity and needing reassurance, Virgo's more so I think. This fellow is throwing his own insecurity at you by "accusing" you of doing things you haven't. And you know what they say: a person does not suspect another of something unless they are thinking of, or have done, that same thing themselves.

    I feel your relationship is being tested by temptation BIG TIME. This is a mountain you must both traverse, but as I saw Firefly say to you (a very wise soul is she) this is YOUR life as it is his. You must be separate people on the same path. Remember that other old saying: share the wine but drink not from the same cup. You are the teacher and leader in this relationship, regardless of what he may think.

    TheHangedWoman is also correct in my view: does this fellow respect you for who you are AS AN INDIVIDUAL or for who you are WITH HIM? That is the big question.

    Once you are over this hump, your relationship will be all the stronger. You have both gone through quite a bit already, and this just seems like the straw that could break the camel's back.

    Irrespective of how rough it seems to be for you, I sense that both of you have a deep love of the other, but his insecurities outnumber yours at the moment. He will sort this, out of love for you and eventually, out of love for himself. This is what he needs to come to: self reliance. And he will.

    He is lucky to have you and he knows it.

    Good luck; I sure hope this helps you some 🙂

  • You dont need to feel ahamed for wanting it to work,hell he's a hotty. Why not? But as you stated earlier(I believe when you first posted),you wont be able to change him.And you wont. He may find himself,but you dont need to wait for him to do it.He will continue to belitttle you.It makes him feel 'big'. It makes him feel in control and important.The worst he can throw at you, the better he will feel.HangedWoman and cris have good insight, but I say " It aint worth it baby!" Go out and meet new people. Start believing in yourself again. This man drains too much of you.You shouldnt have to work at keeeping this 'together'.you're the one doing all the work,thats why you feel guilty. Because you'ved tried so hard and he still does nothing.YTou feel he should at least show some type of improvement and he hasnt. Frankly, I dont think he's capable. Get off this horse and walk around for awhile:)!

  • Hello TheHangedWoman,

    Was this in a group or something? I know that I need to do some serious soul searching. While I do feel that he is another learning stepping stone, I kind of want to stay, just because we have learned from each other. You have all of these relationships, and you give them something and they give you something, and then it is time for them to part. I didn’t want to have to part from him. But if it is what I must do, then it is what I must do.

    He is shutting me out of different parts of his life little by little. With him, I should have just stuck to completely who I am. I am a very casual to dressy dressing person, and he would ask me if I had other things to wear. I did not change my clothing, but I did began to incorporate some jeans in my wardrobe here and there. There are some other things that I did not compromise on, but some I did, and I feel that is where I made my mistake. Because if I said I did not do it, then I should just not do it. By giving in to him, I think in his mind he felt he could get in my head in other areas.

  • Hello cris1962,

    Thank you so much for all of your positive energy that you shared with me. I don’t want to be a pessimist (which Virgos are known to be), but it is kind of hard to be positive at the moment. Just as I feel we are getting somewhere, things go sour again. You are correct, he is a Libra and I am a Virgo and we look great together on paper, but we are not making it. We normally workout together and he does not want to do that anymore. With his birthday coming up soon, we should be planning a tri somewhere, and he has no interest. I just don’t see us getting better. I am tired of his sour attitude, but I have been giving him the benefit of the doubt because he “claimed” to be bothered by my actions so badly. He has confessed to at least meeting other women, and I think entertaining them at his home. He still insists that I am hiding things, and in a way I am. My ex did recently contact me, but I did not mention it to him. He has no problem telling me about his female encounters. I kind of feel that is tacky. Anyway, since he feels that he cannot trust me to deal with males, I made a few changes with my email, online profiles, and phone service, but I did not make permanent changes. I will give him just enough to feel that he has control of a situation, but I know that he doesn’t. I didn’t feel like I should have had to give p anything, which is mainly part of the problem. I have a very strong spirit, and I feel that he wants to break me. Now as a man, I do respect his position and if things were different I would never have a issue with submitting to him, because he has shown me that he can handle business. Like I stated before, he tells me stories about women that basically drop everything for him, and that is not me. I feel that we should be able to co-exist with a certain level of respect, and at the moment I am not getting it from him.

    The only love that I feel is mine. And it is crazy love. I have been going over all of this in my mind, and being an analytical person, I will make a decision with my mind instead of my heart , because that is what will make sense to me.

    I can be insecure, but at the moment I am not. I kind of feel like I just don’t give a ****. He does feel like I am too much like him. And that is what he feels. I can’t change it, although I don’t see it the way that he does, because although I do have male friends around me, I have no interest in entertaining them. Now do I enjoy all of the attention I get, well yes I do. I am only human, but he makes it sound like it is something bad. He says that I get attention because men want to *** me, and he gets attention because women see him as a future lifetime mate.

    Lucky to have me, I am not sure that he can tell. He has so many women flocking behind him, that he can’t see it at the moment. I do know one thing, and I feel that it will come to this and I don’t want it to. But, I really feel that once he finishes whatever he is doing, that I will no longer have an interest in him, and I will not be able to get it back. I fight so hard to maintain, because once I am gone. I am gone! I can’t turn back. It like there is a higher power stopping me.

    Thanks again for taking time out to respond. Believe me, talking about it has made things a lot easier.

  • Mafassa, you make a lot of sense. I am just having this fight inside with myself. I have always been told that I am too picky, and that I am going to want someone to grow old with, and that everyone has faults and that I should not run so easily. Yes, parents! So, I try to give a relationship a little more study time now I guess. I do want to marry, but I want to happy as well. I really enjoyed your post too. I am walking around, but I keep looking back at that horse. 🙂

  • Hi Nciteful.

    Yes you are right. I do a spiritual excercise in an organisation that is called subud. is their international home page. The excercise works for me, so to speaks. I have been doing it for about ten years. Although as an isolated member almost the whole time. Wich means I have been doing the excercise alone 😞 But still, it has been helpful for me.

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