I'm feeling like the axe is gonna fall :)
I am about to embark on something which I've wanted for a long time, yet I feel that the axe may fall as a result. In other words, whatever transpires out of this longed-for situation could make or break it and other things. I don't want to give too many details on this, but those who know my story so far, will know what I'm talking about. I would appreciate insights from any and all (both friend and stranger), as I'm swinging between excitement and despair here And don't worry about what you say: nothing will shock me!
Just go with what you think is right for YOU. Perhaps now is time for other things to break, I don't know, only you can know that, but go with what your gut tells you. Maybe now is the time for you to break free.
Make the decision that is right for YOU, not what your guilt for other people tells you that you should do. Make yourself happy and then everything else will fall into place.
Good luck, I'll be thinking of you and sending positive energy your way.
Keep in mind that we all know when a situation has come to end and it doesn't serve us to stay in a situation that has served it's purpose. Obviously only you can know this.
Yep, agreed. It's just so hard emotionally, not to mention the practicalities surrounding this decision which weighs so heavily on me. Nor am I prepared to go from one "situation" to another if you know what I mean I believe everyone should take a break in between things to regenerate and learn what they truly want. Ah dear, why now? If anyone'd asked me this time last year this was gonna happen, I'da laughed in their faces and asked them what they were talking about!! While I was told in a reading I had a big decision facing me, I still didn't think it was in the area it has turned out to be now. I feel seriously sometimes - and shoot me down if you will - that this society has placed much to much emphasis on ownership of another; of the total importance of a band of gold which to me, only serves to keep people feeling trapped in the long run. At what price loyalty? The way I feel now, I'd say consequences and right and wrong be damned, and that can't be all good! Thanks again Wenchie, for your lovely, "obscure" and thoughtful piece of wisdom. My post was pretty obscure, eh?? Well said.
I absolutely agree that it's healthy to have time out to yourself to heal and regenerate and work through your own "stuff" after a relationship ends, especially after a long relationship (yours 23 years, mine was 18.5 years). I think it saves you from going from the frying pan into the fire!
It is true that sometimes relationships complete their purpose and there is no longer any need for the partners to stay together. Unfortunately, this is not something our society allows for. You know, once upon a time I had the idealistic notion of forever until death do us part. But my thinking is different now....I accept now that we come together for our learnings/lessons and that often means that it's for a time period - not happily ever after. Feeling trapped and stuck in a relationship cannot be good for us on a mental, physical or spiritual level. So maybe I'll be joining you in the firing line for my thinking!!!!
I still believe that I will have another long term major relationship, but I am starting to think that perhaps our first marriages are a trial run, sort through all our stuff, figure out who we are and where we are going and what we want and then we have a better idea of who we will be more compatible with as older, more experienced people.
The practicalities can be painful to deal with and that takes time to sort out........but oh my.......the relief and the FREEDOM to be yourself and who you truly are and not feel repressed is amazing. NOW I feel like I can achieve what I was born into this life for. My destiny still awaits me.......
I feel like you are now at where I was just over 2 years ago, I wish you all the best, no matter which way it goes.
Sounds like you definitely WERE where I'm at now. This bug bit me about eight years ago, but I stayed as I didn't want to put my seven year old daughter through the trials of custody battles (which I'da lost as he could get legal help for free and I couldn't). I am tired of this repressed feeling, although I didn't recognise it for what it was until I began dreaming about my little soulmate And I'm worried I'll do somethign stupid to stuff up a chance of ANYTHING with mls, even friendship, through being repressed for too long. I live in hope that hubby will see how repressed HE's been as well; this isn't all about me. Just want the best for all of us, with me top of the list for once. Just hope I have the guts to follow through when the crunch finally comes, as I am near sure it will. 2010 is looking pretty like a timeline. Don't know when exactly, but ...
Thanks again. It must have been so hard for you after 18.5 years. Tell me, were you in a financially stable position of your own when you split? That's one of my biggest stumbling blocks and I don't think I've got the time to set myself up really; I feel like I've stayed out of habit and convenience for long enough. I've been the part time worker/stay at home for the rest of the time mum, so I've really put myself in a grand position ... NOT. How did you cope? Don't give details if you dont' want to mind! But I am so sick of worrying about all this and just wish I could simply LEAVE. Don't have anywhere to go either ... oh, it gets sadder 'n' sadder ... me own fault really; or maybe it just seems impossible. Talk to you again!
I don't have any problem telling you. Hang in there with me, I'm at work.....so I may take some time to answer in between!!!!
No probs!! I'm a farm girl so I've more freedom with stuff in between being out in the paddock! Take your time my friend
Which state are you in? I'm in Melbourne but was born in Bendigo and lived there until I was 16 (in between moving around).
Well I'll be! I'm in New South Wales!!!! I was born in Sydney (in Canterbury, but lived around Coogee/Randwick and Manly/Seaforth then the Eastwood/Ryde area). EVen lived in your fair state for about three years (in Crib Point/Hastings) which is where my daughter was born. We call her a Mexican ... south of the border 'n' all that Ain't it a small world???
If you think it will (make or brake) be very carefull about this. Think before you act on this or anything in life. I have been there and now I'am very carefull about anything that is worth while in my life.
Very small world!!!! I remember we lived in Sydney for a few months when I was in grade 3, I can't quite remember the name of the suburb, I think it started with B but it will come to me.
Ok, NSW......let me mull over that, in terms of what I am thinking of what help is available.
Ok, firstly I was not financially stable and I have two children who at the time were 7 and 12, but I knew that I couldn't stay even for their sakes of having their parents together. I felt too stifled and caged. My ex wouldn't let me take the kids and we have a shared care arrangement now, but thank goodness your daughter is older and can decide that she wants to go with you.
The thing that helped me was that I worked full time, but don't let that be your stumbling block. I will look into services that can help and also I think that when you make your decision to leave and put it out to the universe to help you financially.......it will come.
I applied for a $5,000 credit card and my brother lent me $5,000. My ex still hasn't forgiven my brother for loaning me the money but as all good brother's should, he didn't judge me, he just supported me in my decision keeping his personal opinion out of it.
I left because the house was in my ex husband's name and I knew he wouldn't leave. The 3 weeks after I told him it was over until I was able to move into a unit were pretty tough. I walked out with my car, my clothes, a lamp table, some bits and pieces from the kitchen (much of which I bought replacements for the ex), some photos of the kids, a couple of pictures from the walls, the old rusted beer fridge from the garage, my doona cover and pillow and a couple of blankets, the spare crappy tv and dvd player, old microwave from the caravan and the second hand stereo. I started from scratch and bought everything I needed to furnish my place, buying cheap furniture (good old Fantastic Furniture!) not the greatest quality but its usable, looks fine, was affordable and serves it's purpose! So I started from scratch. The card and money loaned to me paid for bond and first month rent, stocking pantry from scratch and bought everything I needed (including kitchen items, cleaning items, beds, mattresses, linen, furniture etc etc etc). Needed to furnish the whole place, including the kids' bedrooms. After sticking it out with no washing machine for a few months I borrowed money from my mum to buy a washing machine.
To be continued.............
Ok, hope you don't mind, I asked my Mum for some advice....my mum is absolutely awesome! In her 3rd marriage now (and I think final marriage, they are really happy and compatible) and the person I turn to. She had me young, so my mum has only just turned 56 and she's a fountain of information.
My email to her ........
Ok, well when you have time, could you please tell me........
"If you were a 47 year old woman living in a small country town in NSW on a farm and you were desperately unhappy in your marriage and wanted to leave but had no where to go and no money (having only worked part time in the past and been a stay at home mum and no job currently and job prospects don't look great), what services are available and who could you turn to, to help you leave and get set up????
Ha ha......and you thought it was going to be a simple and quick question!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As i said, when you have time!
"Well, there are a few questions before I am even able to think of the answers!!
Where does she want to go?
how far is she from the next capital city?
does she have her own transport?
does she have children? if so how old?
Is it likely to get nasty or violent if she leaves?"
Now in the meantime I have found a couple of websites that might be very helpful
http://www.womenssurvivalskills.com.au/index.php - this website looks like it could be very informative, it says ........
When we go through a divorce, we all come out of it a lot wiser about the system and its pitfalls.
"Find out about:
Family Law & Mediation plus how to prepare to see a Solicitor ( and save money )
Children's reactions / behaviours & how to minimise short & long term affects
Emotional & Health issues to be aware of
Forensic Accounting - looking for the money
Loan Requirement Details
Plus More ...
We give you INSTANT ACCESS to expert and up to date information AND INSIDER KNOWLEDGE of the system, when you need it most - at the beginning."
Now that website does require a one off payment of $35 to use it and get all your info but I think it will be well worth it. Run by women who have been there and done the hard yards and will tell you who to see and how to go about it all. I am happy to pay the fee for you if you don't have the money.
Some other sites that may help
My questions to you would be, do you have someone you could stay with until you get on your feet? Would you be willing to move to a bigger town? I am just thinking that perhaps if you and your daughter were able to board with someone in the beginning until you get on your feet, that may be the easiest way when you need to start from scratch. Keep in mind you will settle with your husband and he will need to give you money from the house etc, so you will also have that money coming in the future, no matter how small or large that may be.
To be continued..........
This post is deleted!
Have sent a test email to your live one; thanks for that. Had typed up a looooong reply to your last post, but somethin happened and it disappeared on me!
But in a nutshell, I am very grateful for all the help and suggestions you've given here, and your mother. You both made me cry and still am. I don't want to sound like a "poor me" but I really am alone in this situation here. No-one I can stay with, my family dumped on me five years ago and I've washed them out of my life as there was little other choice (they weren't happy about us taking in a foster boy or moving to the country and couldn't get past either). There's no-one here to stay with except for a night or two either. Except my little soulmate. But that would achieve nothing but getting tongues wagging and I don't think either of us'd survive the resultant gossip or possible ostracisation that'd come out of it. BUT if the situation presented itself and he knew I was stuck, I reckon he'd offer as he'd love the company and I'd work to earn my keep out there. And there'd be plenty to keep me occupied for the duration on a farm HIS size. It makes ours look like a townhouse But it's impossible, so no point in mentioning that really.
I'd move to a bigger town, sure, if I had to. And I have sent out a message to the universe for enough money to set myself up without asking for anything from hubby and enough to pay the mortage off on this place so he doesn't have to sell. He deserves that much. And I still care enough about him to want that for him. Just wish there was more there, but it's gone and has been for years. If only I'd seen it for what it was before there were children and I became financially dependent on him. Yep, me blames the band of gold. I can't see myself EVER wanting to put another one on in my whole life again. All those bands do is rein you in.
Anyway, enough rambling. I really feel like I'm against the eight-ball this week. Just want to cry at the drop of a hat, want to text mls and go running to him, but our friendship in the real world is only in its beginning stages, regardless of how it's progressed in dreams, so that's a dumb idea. Besides, I don't want to join the ranks of women who've cried on his shoulder, used him up, spat him up and left him alone with nothing. Yes, he's let them do that, but I won't be one of 'em.
Gah. Enough. Gotta find the courage and the way to do this and hope all those things come soon. And must buy a lottery ticket ...
Again, thank you very much indeed for all of this. As said, you made me cry (but in a good way) and I still feel very overwhelmed and like there may be hope out there for littleoleme after all ...
Bless you and your mum
Oh and redbubb: thank you for your input here. I have thought long and hard about this, and while I'm not one to give up on something easily - and taking into consideration all we've been through together or individually in this marriage - I still come back to this basic nugget: I don't want to die without knowing what it's like to really be IN LOVE with someone. I gave up on my ideals of that years ago thinking it was all a stupid dream and accepted second best. No-one deserves this, me or hubby. That is one gift the dreams I started having of my soulmate gave me. That true love IS possible and it IS and has always been the single most important thing in my own life, but I put it down the bottom of the list because it all seemed so pie in the sky compared to making money, being friends with your partner (that's all my parents ever were) and all that stuff.
Call me idealistic if you will. That's okay. Cancerians are known for it anyway. But I have to be true to me for once. Am just praying for the courage and guidance to do so, for all our sakes. And am prepared to be alone for a while so I don't go into the next one with baggage and the resultant exhaustion from luggin it round
Thank you again for your answer. A very true answer it is and one I've certainly given great thought to.
I just want to be on my deathbed when that day comes, knowing I lived my life with my own truth and integrity intact and didn't live a lie because other people demanded it of me. Done that for long enough methinks May God help me ... us.
Am goin off now to hose off mower and water trees. Shite me feet are sore today, but if I stop, I'll just sit and cry so back to the hot, almost brown yonder I go ... Catch up later, no doubt!
Ok Chris, get back out there!!!!!!!!!
I want you to know you are not alone, and together we'll figure something out.
Thankyou. Just wanna cry again t'day ... gonna be hard ta get movin, but I will ...
In answer to these questions:
Where does she want to go?
I'd like to stay here, but would go if I had to.
how far is she from the next capital city?
five hours' drive
does she have her own transport?
does she have children? if so how old?
one foster son (18) living 50ks away and daughter 15 living with us
Is it likely to get nasty or violent if she leaves?"
Could get nasty, but things often do in this situation. As to violent, pretty sure not, but I can tell ya if it did, that'd be the confirmation I'd need that this definitely IS the right thing to be doing
'Course, I sometimes feel that if I stayed here, I could end up being ostracised for leaving as people think we have the perfect relationship, and they'd be telling me I was all the stupid b*tches under the sun. His mother lives across the road - don't know how she'd react to this either. Maybe she just might say "it's about time you were honest". Who knows? She's not a narrow minded mother in law from hell, but it boils down to the fact that this is her son I'm screwing around.
Look, just out of interest, I've asked this one a few times already in other posts, but a psychic friend of mind gave me a reading a few months ago which said "make the most of the time with your husband as I see it ending. You will receive information and you may not have to do or say anything". She predicted about 12-18 months from that reading which was back in May/June. She also said that my little soulmate "wants someone in his life and it could very well be you".
So in a psychic sense, do you get anything from these comments? I just wonder, especially about this "information" which so far has not been forthcoming. Ah, clutchin at straws I know ... but in times like this, straws're better than nuthin ...
Thanks yet again. Even though you and a couple of others on here are so far away, I don't feel like I'm in this completely alone and that's valuable; highly valuable. And take your time; I know yer working.
Bless ya xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo
I too was where you were at in 2004, I decided, to go for what my heart felt, and although it has been very difficult, financially, the peace of mind, has been the most rewarding. I have not dated since, and that has been also very rewarding. I met someone who I really get on with, and know he is my "soulmate" but he is married so we don't go there. Read my other post on the soulmate chesnut. But, moving on after 14 years of marriage, I can honestly say, is the best thing I have done for my life. Living with the pain of not truly being you, took its toll, and now I am free. My intellect and spirituality has changed in many ways, and I am more open in how I think. The possession issue, is something I never understood, but yet lived trapped in it for so long. You can only love another as much as you love yourself. If you want freedom in your life, then you must be free enough to allow someone else the freedom to explore their being. I firmly believe that I too will be in a meaningful relationship in the future, but right now, I am truly loving the fact that I am growing spiritually, psychologically, and mentally with every passing day. It has been a true cleansing of my soul....So, like someone else has told you, do what your heart, spirit, soul tells you.