How do you know when a cancer is 'testing' you?
Hermit you sound really sweet. Your girlfriend may tell you what you want to hear because she doesnt want to send you back into your shell. Im willing to bet she loves you alot. Make sure you let her know that you love her too.
So ladies, I caved earlier and called my old cancer flame. I know just slap me. He sounded happy to hear from me though. Talked for only a couple minutes. Just kept it casual. Now is the tricky part cuz if he calls me back later I still think I should ignore him a little. Thats gonna be hard. Why cant I just freakin give up already? I need to meet someone else this is getting stupid. Hope your all doing well. Maria you are really funny. You could right a book about cancer men antics, I think you should. Have agreat weekend everyone. Love to you all. xoxoxo
It's not about you and what you've said, it's about him and what he said. He told you to move on, what are you gonna do? Move on. That's HIS choice, his words, not yours. You don't owe him anything, he has promised you nothing, remember that. ANYBODY but the boss, that is not classy or cute.
Stay focused on making him see things your way instead of the reverse. Let him know that you heard and respect his discision to not pursue a relationship with you at this time, possibly ever. This is what he has said, if he expects you to sit around licking your wounds or asking him anything elese then he is INSANE.
If you think waiting around feeling sorry for him or yorself is going to change how he feels, or where you stand with him, no offense (you're an aries,so I hope you can handlemy bluntness) you're INSANE!!
Take back your power. I did, and even if I would've lost him I found myself, my strenght, my voice. This is your life girl... Didn't you say you were in your 20s? Don't waste the best years of your youth/adulthood on this or any guy who isn't talking about a future with you. It gets harder to find available men when you hit your 30s and 40s they're married already. If he can't step up he needs to step off. Life is for the living.
Nothing to fear but fear itself.
Oh back to not touching the boss, that's nevr good for a ladies reputation, when looking proper competition for your cancer, look for the quiet shy guy that looks away evry time your eyes meet (may be another cancer), or the sweet guy who is always offering to help you when you really don't need it, or the the guy you really don't know well who always says hi even thouhg you've never been introduced.
There's where you start.
Oh my god I would never put an eyelash on my boss, UGH, BLUUUGHH.
I'm not going to flirt with someone I know likes me, especially if I don't like him back. If I did that, I would be leading him on just to cut him down, and that would make me 10 X worse then anything my cancer ever did to me. It's one of my strong principles to never lead anyone on if I can help it. Unfortunately the universe has a sense of humor, and every guy i've liked has done that to me, despite the fact that i've sworn never to do it to anyone else. Go figure.
I'll try really hard to keep my resolve and be distant with him. I am moving on mentally, as best as I can, but It's hard to physically and verbally distance myself from him. I love talking to him and hanging out with him.....but it's for the best ;.; And i've got a lot going on in my life to keep my mind occupied! Trips, galas, volunteering, work....weee! How long did it take your cancer to shape up?
my son and sister are cancarians and are very loving and get hurt easily when left out or ignored they look for someone to fill that gap. they love deeplyand can be devestated by love not honest or there for them. yes they can love many but if in serious relationship wont fool around they may flirt to get attention but not a strayer.spen time with them show them thier your number one and they will love and care for ever. they can be controling if this is the case sit wait for them to settle down and let them know what you see careingly and things will get really good understand most posesiveness or controliing comes from past hurts or heartbreaks, in time they will feel trust in you and you will have a very loving partner
oh dear aries with non comitting cancer fire and water do not mix ever except as friends he will steam off your dreams and make you miserable if you want go and he wants to stay home. most cancarians are home bodies not out for adventure unless you are different than me i am 53 year old aries and still dont want to stay put Ilove being out enjoying as much as I can,you will need some one who trusts you and give you freedom but you must not betray that trust and you will be happy you need to care about thier needs like calls home or where you are but only because of need to know your ok,not out of need to tell you what you can do. If you are not ready to settle down dont you will regret it and hurt both of you
yes we all need reassurances of being loved accepted needed for who we are not what we do or do not have,just honest real caring not stiffeling un comfortable held down control and some of it can be very well hidden be honest fair if you genuinly love this person then you are more than capable to work together on your relationship nothing cant be fixed if you want it bad enough.,being an aries is not easy we are very bull headed but at 53 years of age no one needs to take control you are partners not owners.lovehonestly and be honest and it will work,listen openly and hear them.
“I'm not going to flirt with someone I know likes me, especially if I don't like him back. If I did that, I would be leading him on just to cut him down, and that would make me 10 X worse then anything my cancer ever did to me. It's one of my strong principles to never lead anyone on if I can help it.”
I couldn’t agree with you more maria.
Aqua! You're back! I was actually just thinking of you. That's weird o.O I'd really like your input, too. Although I don't know if there's much input to give at this stage....'move on' is a pretty simple term to define.
Aqua, I've always been so curious as to the story between you and your cancer. How did you manage to get through all the trials? If you don't mind me asking.
Hi honey!! Just popped in, but I'll come back. I'm just heading out for brunch now.
Hold on I think I've been mis understood. I don't mean pick some looser who you would never even consider being involved with.
I meant that you should seriously look around, you may be overlooking someone awsome, who is right in your face because of your attatchment to the cancer.
When a man ask a woman out on a date, he does not neccesarily expect things to progress into love, marrige, and family, he just wants a chance to get to know her better and who knows what may happen. Going out with and getting to know someone is NOT leading someone on, it's giving them a chance, not making a promise. If you don't like or want them, don't go out with them a again, if you do have fun, go out with them again, that still is not making a promise, or leading someone on. If your cancer doesn't want you to move on, then he'll step up.
I really don't understand how going out with someone and giving someone new a chance is a 100xs worse then anything, or why some think it is wrong to get to know someone unless you already like him. How do you know if you like someone or not when you haven't given anyone else a chance?
I don't understand why women feel like we can only be interested in one guy at a time, you are not in a relationship until 2 people agree that you are exclusive and no longer dating other people. Until then it's just a friendship with potential.
And maria, what did the cancer do so wrong to you anyway? Did he lie? Cheat? Steal? Make empty promisises? Sounds like he really was attracted, maybe not to the level you were so he backed off instead of taking advantage. He seems like a pretty decent guy. Sometimes things don't work out and it is nobdodys fault. Unless he purposely hurt you, or lead you on, he was just getting to know you, what's wrong with that?
LOL yes, I think I did misunderstand you. But if there was someone at work who I'd be interested in, trust me, I would have tried already. It's a no go zone, lol. And I don't think I can only go after one guy at a time, I understand the whole concept of dating, don't worry. It's just I never really get lucky enough to find more then one guy at a time, this is always the way it is. I've never stopped looking for other potentials, they just haven't come up. And he hasn't done anything like....deviously bad, but he did know how much I liked him and exactly what I wanted, and that it wasnt what he wanted, and yet every time I tried to move on or pull away he'd say and do things purposefully to keep me hooked....for what? Maybe he didn't even realize he was doing it. But I would have moved on a long time ago. So I guess I'm a little bitter about that.
So what was he suppose to do? He didn't want all or nothing, he wanted a little at a time, he really likes you and your company, just because he didn't want an exclusive relationship he should've done what? Not speak? Keep reminding you?
That's like saying you shouldn't even be friends with a girl who likes you, unless you want to be with her. Do you believe that? What is the right thing to do when you like someone and want them in your life but don't want to commit to an exclusive relationship? BE Honest and he was. He did not try to take your virginity, or lie to you, or misrepresent himself. Why are you bitter? Would it have been better if he just let you walk away as if he didn't care at all? That would have been hurtful too.
Sometimes, nobody did anything wrong. This seems to be one of those times
Your Cancer friend was honest up front. And as you said you ended up falling for him. Maybe you thought you could turn things in your favor after awhile (get him to fall for you) Mind you there is nothing wrong with that. "Can't blame a girl for trying!" Still after all this time he hasn't changed his mind about things. Now I'm going to be really cliche when I say... Sometimes there's beauty in knowing when to walk away? It's true though. Yes it's going to sting. You will no doubt suffer some hurt, but try to learn from it in whatever way you can. (make it count) By doing this you are also setting that relationship-bar for yourself (a standard) and in a sense giving testimony to your own strength and character. He'll only respect you for it. Respect is always a good note to close things on, because it sticks. Even years down the road (you never know...your paths may cross again) it is always a quality in one that is well remembered, and honored.
I like the way you put that vanillaskies. @ aqua I'm glad you've returned also, value your perspective and would love to know about you and your cancer love.
Thank you sexygem, that means a lot to me.
I am fairly private maria, but I will tell you my story briefly. It’s pretty long and a lot of it is forgotten history. I can tell you that I recognize a lot of what other women have described and it’s not only because I have been through them, but because it was a long and painful process for me to come out of them. Although we’ve known each other for over 20 years, we haven’t been together that whole time because we were also catalysts to each others’ individual growth. In reality I never experienced him fully disappearing on me because with the 1st sign of him withdrawing, my fiery moon/venus would call him on it, have it out then I would be the one to disappear. That is something I have matured from though.
Understand that both of us are heavy in cardinal and fixed planets, we have mutual soft and hard Saturn and Pluto contacts to each others’ personal planets, among other aspects. For some people this would feel very uncomfortable because although it can be considered as binding it can create power struggles, heaviness and intensity in a relationship. We both have certain rebellious traits and don’t like being told what to do or how to act; we need personal freedom, are loyal, home loving and adventurous but in slightly different ways.
When we met and started dating we had both come out of disastrous relationships. Each of us had no clue about the other at the time because we were both protecting our inner selves and we were not communicating effectively. So here we are, the 1st time he started to withdraw and I no longer possessed that ability to trust and he misunderstood the irrationality of my actions. We poured salt on each others’ wounds. I forced him to say goodbye but then he did some things in anger and we parted ways for almost 9 yrs. It was not amicable.
He married his 2nd wife about 3 yrs later and my then bf took me in hand to get married without even asking me. This was at about the same time; he went through with it, but I couldn’t. Two yrs into his marriage he called to tell me he had remarried and wanted to be friends. Which is fine in most cases, but I still had feelings for him and I don’t mess with married men or any man in a relationship. In a city with a core population of over 2.5 million where we had no mutual friends or hang outs, he would spot me in a crowd. So I was haunting him in real life and he was haunting me in my dreams. Less than a year later he moved to a different country and filed for a divorce. Two yrs after his divorce he flew back and we met for coffee and 3 weeks later he decided to move back. We started seeing each other but he was angry at life and taking it out on me (not physically). Again, he wasn’t communicating this verbally to me, I knew just by his actions towards me. I walked away, but only after I nailed his hide to the wall because not only was my anger at a crescendo but I was also absorbing his.
Another 2 years and he contacted me again. By then I had achieved a certain peace in my heart, so if his head wasn’t in the right place then he had no part in my life. A year later he came back and we resolved a lot of our earlier history, but he hadn't completely resolved everything in his life. I could feel his wariness and suspicions and it felt like he was putting me through all these tests and I was failing all of them. Then he pushed for me to leave and I couldn’t take all the pressure he was inflicting so I walked. Over the course of the next 2 years, I learned to let go, because a lot of the relationship expectations, inhibitions, pressures and conventions that we placed on each other were those that society placed on us as a whole. I just let it go. I went back and he did do one final push and I refused to leave. Here we are and now 3 years later we talk about everything and I mean everything. There are no more tests, no need for reassurances, no more confusing behaviour, total acceptance of each other’s needs and goals and there are no more doubts or fears that one will leave the other. But if that happens, we will both survive.
I feel naked now. Lol
Wow Aqua, that's intense. I've only ever heard about a person coming in and out of your life over such a long period of time. Things really do happen for a reason, don't they? Thanks so much for sharing! Wow that would probably make a pretty good movie, actually....though I guess that would be even more revealing then letting loose on this forum.
So....man, remembering all of that, how would you act in my situation? Where you realize you have to let go, but you don't know like....how to proceed? I have no intentions of cutting him out of my life just because he doesn't want to date me. But he's been soooo guarded, I really want him to put some effort into our friendship. I remember when he used to ask me how my day was, ask me out along for drinks, ask what was going on in my life.....but now we don't talk about those things unless I ask. Or unless I'm ignoring him. And so, sexygems advice seems pretty solid. Show him very plainly that im moving on, and if he cares he'll step up. But, I'm worried that he'll get upset that I only make an effort with him if I think it'll lead to us dating, and not if we're only friends. Is that possible? I don't want that to happen, because it's not true. But I do want him to make an effort.
Be natural, be genuine, that’s all you can do maria. Stop worrying about whether he’ll be upset or not, how about you? If anything, he doesn’t know if you’re too upset with him to continue on with a friendship or how to act, hence the reason why he’s so guarded. Remember he turned you down, so it’s you that has to set the stage on how you want to be treated by him. If it was the other way around then he would have to set the stage. If you want to be treated as a friend, then act like a friend. Don’t pretend to like someone if you really don’t like him. He can spot that a mile away; I can spot that a mile away. If it’s not real then it’s blatantly obvious. Show him that there is no shame in the fact that you put yourself out there, and even though you may be upset you are confident enough to move passed it. However as seygem says, open up to the possibilities that are out there because at this stage in your life it will help you to determine who the right one is for you when you’re ready.
I went through the trouble and time to register here just to rely to what you said about your cancer guy.
I am a cancer and I understand him completely.
He really is a nice guy and he is trying to be honest with you. He really doesn't want t take advantage of you but you are making it too easy.
As far as the jealousy thing .... When you make yourself available in any kind of way, to a cancer, you eventually become sort of like a possession of theirs. So, even if he doesn't want to be with you, he really doesn't want anyone else taking the attention away from him.
Sorry, to tell you this, but no one else, is telling you.
When he won't make a date ... he is waiting to see if a better offer comes along, and when one doesn't he goes with you . He's not a bad guy. He is trying to tell you in any ways.
Take it from a cancer,
I wish you well.